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Author Topic: What do I say to this?  (Read 8897 times)

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Mayadoz

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2017, 04:37:35 AM »
To answer some questions, yes Jane was invited and she already knew that.  She just didn't know if Jane was attending.  She has her own transportation and does not depend on Jane; although sometimes they ride together just for convenience.

I ended up just saying "ok.  I don't know if Jane is coming because she hasn't RSVP'd yet".  I said nothing else.

I just was taken aback by the blatant statement that my invitation/event was not good enough unless Jane was going (I mean, don't get me wrong.  I do not actually think or believe that everyone should always want to go to my events.  If she doesn't want to go, fine.  Just call Jane and ask if she is going or not and leave me out of it).

I sometimes do the follow up thing where I ask some people who haven't RSVP'd yet if they can give me an answer, but I won't be doing that here.  No reminders.  If she misses the date, oh well.

My only fear for you now, OP, is that she might take 'OK' to mean 'OK. If you find out that Jane is coming, even if it's just before the event, you are fine to come along.'
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Runningstar

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #16 on: March 06, 2017, 04:56:56 AM »
Oh I have had this type of thing happen - and the "I'll go if Jane goes" doesn't even always hold up.  The Jane in my example didn't go and the other woman decided to come along anyways.  I had crossed her off the list since "Jane" wasn't coming, I didn't feel that it was necessary to double check if this really meant no for both - silly me.  It wasn't a big problem as we were just meeting up for dinner, but I found it to be a bit hurtful and rude. 


miranova

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #17 on: March 06, 2017, 06:17:27 AM »
The event requires a ticket, so she can't just show up.  So at least I don't have to worry about that part.

baglady

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #18 on: March 06, 2017, 08:54:29 PM »
If I really liked this woman (let's call her Rudi), I'd call her on it. "Well, Jane is invited but she hasn't RSVP'd yet. Why don't you ask her if she's going? But why will you only come if Jane does? Don't you like Jean, Jennifer and me anymore?" Then see how she answers.

Chances are her answer will begin with, "Of course I do, silly! It's just that ...."

Whether what comes after is a deal breaker for future invitations would depend on whether it's a legit reason (she needs Jane to drive because her car is laid up/her DH needs it that night) or a weak or non-excuse (the other ladies just aren't as important to her as Jane is).

What Rudi should have done is explained herself when she was asking about Jane's plans ("I'll come if Jane does, because I won't have wheels and will need to ride with her"). That would have saved OP a lot of heartburn and second-guessing. But sometimes people just don't think of those things. OP will have to decide whether Rudi's thoughtlessness is a one-time thing or a chronic issue that she doesn't want to deal with anymore.

And of course, OP should remind Rudi that she and Jane both need to RSVP by X date.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2017, 08:57:01 PM by baglady »
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lowspark

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2017, 07:42:59 AM »
I've had a somewhat similar experience where I was inviting someone to something and the response, although not exactly the same as here, indicated that coming to my party wasn't her top priority and that she had no problem letting me know that.

I don't remember anymore if she ended up coming or not, but I do remember her words and I completely scratched her off my list for any further invitations. I lost touch with her shortly thereafter.

It just seemed clear to me that she didn't consider our friendship anything to go out of her way for, which was fine. I have other friends. It was a rude way of communicating that, but anyway, I got the message and didn't waste anymore effort on her, so in a way, that's a good thing.

Whatever happens this time, in your place, I would just consider that this woman isn't your friend and proceed with that in mind.
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Lynda_34

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2017, 06:49:09 PM »
Please keep us posted.

miranova

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #21 on: March 30, 2017, 06:55:07 PM »
Please keep us posted.

Neither Jane nor Rudi attended.  Instead, they attended the same event (there were different days that you could purchase tickets for) on a different day, on their own.  It was bizarre, quite frankly.  I guess there is someone in our group that they didn't want to attend with.  Maybe me, lol.  I'm ok with it, but the whole thing was strange. 

Edited to add:  a great time was had by my group.   8)

crazycatlady331

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2017, 07:42:39 PM »
I wouldn't take it maliciously.  Some people do better with others around.

Example--- I was friends with someone who worked in the health care industry (which I do not).  All but two (D and me) of her group of friends were in the same industry (not uncommon) and when I would go out, they'd do things like talking in jargon and I really felt like I didn't belong.  But if D was there, then we'd be fine just chatting with each other and chiming in when group conversation didn't involve industry jargon.

miranova

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2017, 07:46:13 PM »
Oh, I don't think it was malicious.  If they wanted to go with just the two of them, great, that would never have bothered me.  Just the way Rudi went about it was clueless.

gramma dishes

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Re: What do I say to this?
« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2017, 07:48:05 PM »

Neither Jane nor Rudi attended.  Instead, they attended the same event (there were different days that you could purchase tickets for) on a different day, on their own.  It was bizarre, quite frankly.  I guess there is someone in our group that they didn't want to attend with.  Maybe me, lol.  I'm ok with it, but the whole thing was strange. 

Edited to add:  a great time was had by my group.   8)

Will you be inviting Jane and/or Rudi to future events?