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  • January 20, 2018, 01:44:29 AM

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Author Topic: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor" update #57  (Read 18354 times)

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Two Ravens

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #30 on: February 15, 2017, 10:22:06 AM »
One person's favor is the recipient's clutter/junk. I do not think it is a good idea for mom to send the favor to someone who was not invited and has no need for a an item commemorating the day. However, I wouldn't take offense, just consider it a bad idea.

It's possible the mom considers it clutter/junk as well.

Harriet Jones

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #31 on: February 15, 2017, 11:18:47 AM »
One person's favor is the recipient's clutter/junk. I do not think it is a good idea for mom to send the favor to someone who was not invited and has no need for a an item commemorating the day. However, I wouldn't take offense, just consider it a bad idea.

It's possible the mom considers it clutter/junk as well.

It sounds like she's expecting it anyway, whether or not she thinks it's crap.  She's also insisting that OP give a piece of clutter to someone else.

Semperviren

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #32 on: February 15, 2017, 02:31:55 PM »
I would be irritated that my mother was acting like I wasn't giving the person a good enough thank you.  I would be more irritated by that than the regifting.  It's judgmental and pushy, not to mention playing the martyr for mom to be all like "well I'll have to give up MY gift then, since you aren't willing to properly thank this person".  I can totally see the irritation.  It isn't mom's place to decide the confetti isn't good enough.

I agree, that's what would annoy me too.

Marga

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #33 on: February 15, 2017, 03:14:32 PM »
This stinks and I don't wonder why you feel hurt by this.

This is all on your mother, her not caring about your feelings and her not respecting your choices. She is, once again, telling you you're not good enough, she is basically calling you rude when you aren't and she is saying she doesn't value your gift to her, a memento of her granddaughter baptism. This is her, not you, you are doing it right and she is wrong, but she will never be able to admit it, not even to herself.

Drop the rope, please drop the rope and walk away from this situation. You know how she is, you know she won't ever change, you know she doesn't want to change because, in her head, she is right and you are wrong: always.
Do not get another gift, do not argue with your mother, just do what you know is right and expected. Send the confetti with a nice, heartfelt thank you and stop there.

And hugs, many hugs.

zyrs

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #34 on: February 15, 2017, 05:59:00 PM »
This stinks and I don't wonder why you feel hurt by this.

This is all on your mother, her not caring about your feelings and her not respecting your choices. She is, once again, telling you you're not good enough, she is basically calling you rude when you aren't and she is saying she doesn't value your gift to her, a memento of her granddaughter baptism. This is her, not you, you are doing it right and she is wrong, but she will never be able to admit it, not even to herself.

Drop the rope, please drop the rope and walk away from this situation. You know how she is, you know she won't ever change, you know she doesn't want to change because, in her head, she is right and you are wrong: always.
Do not get another gift, do not argue with your mother, just do what you know is right and expected. Send the confetti with a nice, heartfelt thank you and stop there.

And hugs, many hugs.

In this case I would be tempted to give my mother the confetti and send the bomboniere to the family friend and say; "Oh, I decided you were right and she should get yours.".  But I don't have a great relationship with my family, so don't follow my advice.

Maria16

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #35 on: February 15, 2017, 08:21:31 PM »
One person's favor is the recipient's clutter/junk. I do not think it is a good idea for mom to send the favor to someone who was not invited and has no need for a an item commemorating the day. However, I wouldn't take offense, just consider it a bad idea.

It's possible the mom considers it clutter/junk as well.

I agree.  I understand that hurts OP's feelings but it is reality, unless the mom seems unsentimental/ungrateful/unappreciative in other ways, then I would not take the comment personally.

Last_Dance

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #36 on: February 16, 2017, 02:45:47 AM »
One person's favor is the recipient's clutter/junk. I do not think it is a good idea for mom to send the favor to someone who was not invited and has no need for a an item commemorating the day. However, I wouldn't take offense, just consider it a bad idea.

It's possible the mom considers it clutter/junk as well.

I agree.  I understand that hurts OP's feelings but it is reality, unless the mom seems unsentimental/ungrateful/unappreciative in other ways, then I would not take the comment personally.

Believe me, I'm not a fan of some of the favora I've received over the years, but I still have them.
But this is my mother. The woman who taught me to accept any gift graciosly, even if it was hideous or inappropriate. This is coming from the woman who, 20 odd years ago, complained about her brother's choice of favor for his son's Christening, but definitely not to his face and still displays it in her own home.

I guess I just can't take the double standard.

Wait, so you offered to order another for her friend? What did your mom say to that?

That she would give Family Friend her own favor. I think she also said that it wouldn't arrive in time, but since Family Friend is not coming on Sunday, I thought there would be plenty of time.

This stinks and I don't wonder why you feel hurt by this.

This is all on your mother, her not caring about your feelings and her not respecting your choices. She is, once again, telling you you're not good enough, she is basically calling you rude when you aren't and she is saying she doesn't value your gift to her, a memento of her granddaughter baptism. This is her, not you, you are doing it right and she is wrong, but she will never be able to admit it, not even to herself.

Drop the rope, please drop the rope and walk away from this situation. You know how she is, you know she won't ever change, you know she doesn't want to change because, in her head, she is right and you are wrong: always.
Do not get another gift, do not argue with your mother, just do what you know is right and expected. Send the confetti with a nice, heartfelt thank you and stop there.

And hugs, many hugs.

Thanks, Marga. Believe me, I have no intention of arguing with her. In fact, going forward I have no intention of talking to her much at all, not over the favors but over the argument we had afterwards about something else (I've been debating whether to update my old post in the "I need a hug" section, but explaining the whole disaster involves explaining our financial situation, too, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that)
Even my DH, who is much slower to anger than me, is furious.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

Two Ravens

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #37 on: February 16, 2017, 07:07:12 AM »
Well, maybe she intends to give the FF her favor promptly, and then take then extra one you ordered as her own?

I am curious why you keep favors you don't care for... Is there some kind of cultural obligation at play here?

Semperviren

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #38 on: February 16, 2017, 08:53:37 AM »
Well, maybe she intends to give the FF her favor promptly, and then take then extra one you ordered as her own?

I am curious why you keep favors you don't care for... Is there some kind of cultural obligation at play here?

I'm wondering that myself. Sounds like the bomboniere is an Absolute Must- much expected and people would be horrified and talk about you if you didn't do it- but you are then stuck with souvenirs from every occasion which must be displayed when they come over? That's a lot of pressure.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #39 on: February 16, 2017, 09:55:55 AM »
This stinks and I don't wonder why you feel hurt by this.

This is all on your mother, her not caring about your feelings and her not respecting your choices. She is, once again, telling you you're not good enough, she is basically calling you rude when you aren't and she is saying she doesn't value your gift to her, a memento of her granddaughter baptism. This is her, not you, you are doing it right and she is wrong, but she will never be able to admit it, not even to herself.

Drop the rope, please drop the rope and walk away from this situation. You know how she is, you know she won't ever change, you know she doesn't want to change because, in her head, she is right and you are wrong: always.
Do not get another gift, do not argue with your mother, just do what you know is right and expected. Send the confetti with a nice, heartfelt thank you and stop there.

And hugs, many hugs.

These are my exact thoughts today.  Drop the rope.   

Last_Dance

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #40 on: February 16, 2017, 11:59:16 AM »
Well, maybe she intends to give the FF her favor promptly, and then take then extra one you ordered as her own?

I am curious why you keep favors you don't care for... Is there some kind of cultural obligation at play here?

I'm wondering that myself. Sounds like the bomboniere is an Absolute Must- much expected and people would be horrified and talk about you if you didn't do it- but you are then stuck with souvenirs from every occasion which must be displayed when they come over? That's a lot of pressure.

I'll have to ask Metallicafan and RainyDays to chime in, too, because this is difficult to explain: nobody ever sat me down and told me, "By the way, you must have bomboniere for every major life event or else God will smite you where you stand." It's one of those things you just absorb by seeing how others act around you.
I can definitely confirm that when a couple announced their wedding, they will be asked what they'll pick as bomboniere. It's an expected quetion, like those about the dress, the flowers, etc...
The only people I know who didn't have them when they got married are my in-laws, but they had a very small civil ceremony  - and when DH graduated from university, they did have them while I didn't. (Though graduation bomboniere are less universally expected then wedding and christening ones)

As for keeping ugly bomboniere forever and ever,  again I've never seen anyone give away bomboniere. Moreover, if they are like the cornucopia  ornament, who'd want it? I suppose I could donate it to next church lottery, but it's going to be pretty clear it was either a bomboniera or a gift somebody got for their wedding/anniversary.
Of course, the people who gave it will hopefully never notice it's not on dispaly in our house, but you never know...
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

gramma dishes

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #41 on: February 16, 2017, 12:54:27 PM »
...  The only people I know who didn't have them when they got married are my in-laws, but they had a very small civil ceremony  ...

Well, I've never heard of them before, so if you'd been guest at my wedding (or my children's christenings) you would have walked away empty handed!    Is this something specific to a particular nationality or a specific religion?  Would people be badmouthing me behind my back after the event for not providing one?

Addy

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #42 on: February 16, 2017, 01:33:21 PM »
...  The only people I know who didn't have them when they got married are my in-laws, but they had a very small civil ceremony  ...

Well, I've never heard of them before, so if you'd been guest at my wedding (or my children's christenings) you would have walked away empty handed!    Is this something specific to a particular nationality or a specific religion?  Would people be badmouthing me behind my back after the event for not providing one?

"BG: Bomboniere (wedding/christening favors) are a pretty big deal in Italian culture." from the first post.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #43 on: February 16, 2017, 01:40:08 PM »
. . . As for keeping ugly bomboniere forever and ever,  again I've never seen anyone give away bomboniere. Moreover, if they are like the cornucopia  ornament, who'd want it? I suppose I could donate it to next church lottery, but it's going to be pretty clear it was either a bomboniera or a gift somebody got for their wedding/anniversary.
Of course, the people who gave it will hopefully never notice it's not on display in our house, but you never know...

This is where having a pet comes in handy.  It's astounding how much ugly carp a pet can knock off a shelf and break ;) .
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

metallicafan

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #44 on: February 16, 2017, 04:13:14 PM »
Well, maybe she intends to give the FF her favor promptly, and then take then extra one you ordered as her own?

I am curious why you keep favors you don't care for... Is there some kind of cultural obligation at play here?

I'm wondering that myself. Sounds like the bomboniere is an Absolute Must- much expected and people would be horrified and talk about you if you didn't do it- but you are then stuck with souvenirs from every occasion which must be displayed when they come over? That's a lot of pressure.

I'll have to ask Metallicafan and RainyDays to chime in, too, because this is difficult to explain: nobody ever sat me down and told me, "By the way, you must have bomboniere for every major life event or else God will smite you where you stand." It's one of those things you just absorb by seeing how others act around you.
I can definitely confirm that when a couple announced their wedding, they will be asked what they'll pick as bomboniere. It's an expected quetion, like those about the dress, the flowers, etc...
The only people I know who didn't have them when they got married are my in-laws, but they had a very small civil ceremony  - and when DH graduated from university, they did have them while I didn't. (Though graduation bomboniere are less universally expected then wedding and christening ones)

As for keeping ugly bomboniere forever and ever,  again I've never seen anyone give away bomboniere. Moreover, if they are like the cornucopia  ornament, who'd want it? I suppose I could donate it to next church lottery, but it's going to be pretty clear it was either a bomboniera or a gift somebody got for their wedding/anniversary.
Of course, the people who gave it will hopefully never notice it's not on dispaly in our house, but you never know...


Chiming in,  I have all the Bomboniere that I have received over the years displayed in a large Curio cabinet. Along with  momentos  from our wedding, and quite a few Prescious Moments figurines.