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  • December 17, 2017, 12:19:50 PM

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Author Topic: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor" update #57  (Read 17628 times)

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JadeGirl

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #45 on: February 16, 2017, 08:43:18 PM »
My hubs is Italian, and as we've been together for 16 years, we have received a _lot_ of bomboniere!  Thankfully, his family generally sticks to nice, useful things.  I treasure the engraved Riedel crystal shiraz glasses we got at his uncle's 80th birthday, and his uncle would be sad if they gathered dust, so we use them to drink the family wine on a regular basis. 

Other bomboniere have included cute tea light holders (great for when the electricity goes down), engraved teaspoons (still work nicely in a sugar bowl), coffee mugs, and wine bottle stoppers.  I am glad that they don't seem to go for picture frames, and if we ever do get properly married (we are common law), I have my eye on little hurricane lantern-style tea light holders with cut-outs in the shape of dragons.

The only ones that have pride of place, and are displayed in a cabinet, are the momento cards from funerals. It feels nice to see pictures of our departed loved ones in amongst the curios and sporting trophies.

I would be hurt and sad in the OP's shoes, but there's really not a lot she can do except disengage  :(

metallicafan

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #46 on: February 16, 2017, 10:16:15 PM »
We've gotten some nice stuff over the years,  crystal bowls,  wine glasses, crystal vase,  figurines.  Really pretty things to be displayed.

BlendedFamily

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #47 on: February 17, 2017, 11:19:33 AM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

Mom is not the host. This is not her decision of who gets favours vs who gets confetti. Mom needs to let the host make those decisions and host her own way.
Strive to be the best possible person you can be, not what others have dictated are their expectations of you!

BlendedFamily

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #48 on: February 17, 2017, 11:41:16 AM »
...  The only people I know who didn't have them when they got married are my in-laws, but they had a very small civil ceremony  ...

Well, I've never heard of them before, so if you'd been guest at my wedding (or my children's christenings) you would have walked away empty handed!    Is this something specific to a particular nationality or a specific religion?  Would people be badmouthing me behind my back after the event for not providing one?

I am Canadian and not catholic; but favours are a big part of any rite of sacrament occasion.
Strive to be the best possible person you can be, not what others have dictated are their expectations of you!

turnip

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #49 on: February 17, 2017, 11:59:11 AM »
I wouldn't be offended at all. She is saying that since that person is giving a gift she feels obligated to make sure she should get a favor and since you don't have an extra one she will sacrifice and get her hers. Unless this is something more then just some candy I don't see where the insult is.

I complete agree and I think the OP is overreacting.  If she doesn't have a good relationship with her mother outside of this incident then that's going to be coloring her view, but in a vacuum this seems like a kind gesture on her mothers behalf to make sure a gift-giver feels appreciated.

I'm also not particularly sympathetic to the idea that favors are something to be preserved and cherished.  If someone is going to give me something with the confidence that it's going to go to my ( non-existent ) display case, then I'd rather they just not give me something at all.  It seems like a pretty interesting assumption to me.

rose red

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #50 on: February 17, 2017, 12:09:59 PM »
I'm also not particularly sympathetic to the idea that favors are something to be preserved and cherished.  If someone is going to give me something with the confidence that it's going to go to my ( non-existent ) display case, then I'd rather they just not give me something at all.  It seems like a pretty interesting assumption to me.

Except the OP's mother does seem to display favors from others (her brother's ugly favor, for one). This also seem like a cultural thing.

Also, I think this is a relationship issue and not really about the favor. Mom could have discreetly given it away, or given it away and ask the OP to order her another one. But she pretty much told the OP to her face that her feelings weren't important.

Two Ravens

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #51 on: February 17, 2017, 12:25:54 PM »
...  The only people I know who didn't have them when they got married are my in-laws, but they had a very small civil ceremony  ...

Well, I've never heard of them before, so if you'd been guest at my wedding (or my children's christenings) you would have walked away empty handed!    Is this something specific to a particular nationality or a specific religion?  Would people be badmouthing me behind my back after the event for not providing one?

I am Canadian and not catholic; but favours are a big part of any rite of sacrament occasion.

Well, I grew up Catholic in the US and never had any favors at any of my sacraments, nor ever saw any at relatives'. So I guess we can say YMMV.

I am assuming this is part of Italian-American culture. Maybe my poor Irish family just never could afford them.

turnip

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #52 on: February 17, 2017, 12:27:33 PM »
I'm also not particularly sympathetic to the idea that favors are something to be preserved and cherished.  If someone is going to give me something with the confidence that it's going to go to my ( non-existent ) display case, then I'd rather they just not give me something at all.  It seems like a pretty interesting assumption to me.

Except the OP's mother does seem to display favors from others (her brother's ugly favor, for one). This also seem like a cultural thing.

Also, I think this is a relationship issue and not really about the favor. Mom could have discreetly given it away, or given it away and ask the OP to order her another one. But she pretty much told the OP to her face that her feelings weren't important.

Displaying one favor doesn't mean one has to display them all.

And she didn't say "Your feelings don't matter". If the relationship was good she'd be saying "I'll give 'family friend' my favor so you don't need to worry about making another one" .  In a vacuum I don't see a problem with that.  A mother doesn't need a favor to remember the birth of her grandchild and the appreciation of her daughter.  In a healthy family these things go without saying.

lorelai

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #53 on: February 17, 2017, 01:09:34 PM »
I am assuming this is part of Italian-American culture. Maybe my poor Irish family just never could afford them.

That would be a correct assumption, since the OP said it in her initial post, and only you know about your own family's resources.

I sympathize with the OP. I can see how her mom's reaction was hurtful and unkind. If she wants to regift her favor it's perfectly within her right, whether or not we, strangers on e-hell, come from backgrounds where this favor gifting is typical. It's typical in my culture as well, but that's not relevant to the thread.

What's bothersome about the mother's actions is that she's insulting OP's gifts and broadcasting her intent to regift. Couldn't she have just regifted without alerting the OP to it? She doesn't seem to care about OP's feelings, in this regard. I don't think OP is being too sensitive about this. How would any of us feel if someone else regifted something either in our presence or told us about it?

My advice for the OP is this: you can't change your mom, but you can accept the reality that she is who she is, and gift accordingly. Whether that means you give her the same thing, something customized with her name on it  >:D, or nothing at all, you do you. Work through your feelings here and with your loved ones and accept your mother for who she is, and limit her ability to hurt you, if you can. That may mean limiting discussions like this in the future. Less to criticize.

edgypeanuts

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #54 on: February 17, 2017, 09:28:48 PM »
My first thought was to tell your mom that you only had favors for invited guests and candy favors for others.  If she feels the friend is more important would she like to pass on her invitation as well?

Tigger

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #55 on: February 18, 2017, 12:12:20 PM »
I am Canadian (Irish and English heritage), hubby is Canadian (Italian heritage) and we're both Catholic.  In Ontario most people have a favour at weddings and christenings. Italians call it a bomboniere.  Our bomboniere was a 375 ml bottle of Orange Chocolate Port that we made, bottled and labelled ourselves.  We have received bottle stoppers, plates, glass dishes, small vase, small sapling, etc. 

While I understand your Mother wants to make sure the gift giver has a bomboniere, her delivery was snarky to say the least.

If possible could you go and purchase something similar to give to the person who gave you the christening gift? It's not like people compare bomboniere with each other so she will probably not know it's not the exact same thing.




Ontario

mrs_deb

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #56 on: February 20, 2017, 09:55:23 PM »
Our bomboniere was a 375 ml bottle of Orange Chocolate Port that we made, bottled and labelled ourselves. 

Um...<drool> recipe?   :D

Last_Dance

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor"
« Reply #57 on: February 22, 2017, 12:45:52 AM »
So, the Christening is done - the ceremony itself was very nice, the reception (is that the right word?) food was awesome. I even have a voicemail from my mother saying how beautiful everything was. Of course, by monday she had more things to complain about, but I was not surprised.

The bomboniera saga had a sort of happy ending: turns out I miscounted and we did have an extra one. (I think our final count was 9 bomboniere needed and it was cheaper to order 10).
My parents wanted to pick it up another day, but I did not want to prolong the drama any longer and managed to send it home with them under the guise of us having one less thing to carry.

My father told me they liked the bomboniera we picked. I'm taking it to mean that he likes it. I neither know nor care what my mother thinks of it.
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

ladyknight1

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor" update #57
« Reply #58 on: February 22, 2017, 07:59:00 AM »
Sigh. I'm glad the christening went well and hope that your mom is less dramatic now.
ďAll that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

rigs32

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Re: "If you haven't got extra, I'll regift her my christening favor" update #57
« Reply #59 on: February 22, 2017, 08:43:05 AM »
You mentioned that no one would want these items, but why can't they just be tossed or recycled?  I have limited storage space in my condo.  I've culled through my own personal momentos at times.  There's no way I'd hang onto boxes of unwanted items just because.  But I wasn't raised in an Italian family, either.