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  • October 18, 2017, 04:39:07 AM

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Author Topic: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior  (Read 9942 times)

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Dragonflymom

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #45 on: March 15, 2017, 02:24:59 PM »
It's one thing, at least for me anyway, to show up for work, do the bare minimum of what I need to do - pay bills that need to be paid basically and then go home, and tough that out through extreme pain, and another to have a very uncomfortable conversation with a volatile person who's likely to be angry with me when I'm in a lot of pain and my filters are pretty low.
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

Saucy Minx

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #46 on: March 15, 2017, 02:55:31 PM »
If someone curses me, that person has immediately qualified for the cut direct. 

I would certainly not have done such a person any more favors.  Her cursing would have instantly triggered a no-contact reaction from me.

It would take some serious & believable apologizing to be reinstated, & I would not be willing to hear any apology in the circumstances described here, where the swearer is not a friend & has no previous claim on my affection & forbearance.


Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #47 on: March 15, 2017, 06:36:33 PM »
It's one thing, at least for me anyway, to show up for work, do the bare minimum of what I need to do - pay bills that need to be paid basically and then go home, and tough that out through extreme pain, and another to have a very uncomfortable conversation with a volatile person who's likely to be angry with me when I'm in a lot of pain and my filters are pretty low.

Same here. Today I'm running on low spoons due to a migraine, and the essential stuff (work, dentist appointment) will get done but other higher-stress things will be set aside until I no longer want to cry with pain.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

LifeOnPluto

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #48 on: March 16, 2017, 05:15:16 AM »
Given the update, I don't blame you one bit for getting your DH to call her.

She sounds extremely unpleasant, to say the least. Definitely don't lend her your harp (or anything else!).

Chez Miriam

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #49 on: March 16, 2017, 01:52:45 PM »
I would continue radio-silence, but if she contacted me again, I would reply to her (original or latest) curse-laden message with: "I'm sensing that me mentoring you is no longer working for you.  It is no longer working for me, so I am now bowing out as your mentor.  Please do not contact me again."  You could add, if you wanted to: "I wish you all the best with your belly dancing in future."

Then block on all fronts.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

Dragonflymom

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #50 on: March 19, 2017, 11:06:13 AM »
Thanks everyone for the advice, I'm feeling better about the situation :)

I mentioned the issue to one friend who is laureled for performing arts and doing crafty stuff, she thinks the whole situation is nuts and it should be a no brainer that I needed to put taking care of my back and healing first, she didn't really have an opinion one way or the other on if it's best to formally end the mentorship thing or not, since it's not really an official acknowledged relationship the way that an apprenticeship would be, she's more of the opinion that I should do whatever makes me happy and brings me the least amount of drama.

I was at an event in Beverly's area yesterday because another friend asked me to teach a class down there.  And Beverly and I just sort of did the polite smile and wave thing and otherwise avoided each other, she even ignored me when I walked over to say hi.  So I think ending the mentorship thing has taken care of itself and I don't need to do anything further.

We had actually been friends, not terribly close because we live far away and don't see each other much, or at least friendly acquiantances, for about nine years since I started being really active in the SCA.  But it seems like the last two years doing big competitions has brought out a completely different and unkind side to her.  I feel kind of bad for her in some ways, she really didn't look happy at all at the event yesterday, but also think the friendship is sadly probably not salvageable because I can't ever really feel comfortable committing to doing anything with her again in case I get sick or injured and end up unable to do it and she gets mad at me.
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

gramma dishes

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #51 on: March 19, 2017, 01:15:15 PM »
She sounds like one of those people whose thinking goes like this:  "I didn't win my competition and it's all your fault!"

I think you're probably better off to let the friendship fade out just like the mentoring.

TabathasGran

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #52 on: March 20, 2017, 09:39:27 PM »
I have a feeling she will be friendly again and act as if nothing happened when she next decides she wants something from you.

Dragonflymom

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #53 on: March 20, 2017, 10:06:28 PM »
It wouldn't surprise me, she seems to only be interested in being friendly if I'm useful I guess.

And when it happens, I'll be polite, friendly, and "busy".  Very busy.  :)  I've already got my own entry planned for next year's competition and am booked to help another friend with hers, so I will be just too busy to do anything for her for next year's competition.  :)
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

TabathasGran

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Re: friend, mentorship, and hurtful behavior
« Reply #54 on: March 21, 2017, 08:06:55 PM »
A perfect plan!