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  • November 21, 2017, 11:53:01 PM

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Author Topic: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby  (Read 3569 times)

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SamiHami

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04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« on: April 20, 2017, 08:55:09 AM »
In the third letter, the writer states that her niece was married by a JOP back in October, but is having a church "wedding" at a later date. The writer wants to know what date should be on the wedding gifts.

I think it's obvious; their wedding date is the day the were wed-which means October. The church service can only be a blessing of the marriage, since they are already married. So I would say anything that happens to be engraved should have their actual wedding date on it. I also wonder if the guests know that the church service is not actually a wedding.

Opinions?

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gramma dishes

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2017, 09:00:42 AM »
This might be one of those times when a gift should be chosen that doesn't need to be engraved. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2017, 09:03:09 AM »
This might be one of those times when a gift should be chosen that doesn't need to be engraved.

Agreed... or if it's something that the aunt does for all family weddings, just ask the couple what date they'd like.

TurtleDove

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2017, 09:24:26 AM »
This might be one of those times when a gift should be chosen that doesn't need to be engraved.

Agreed... or if it's something that the aunt does for all family weddings, just ask the couple what date they'd like.

This. I get the sense the aunt wants to make her negative view of how the couple went about this known. Sure, she can do this. But why would she want to? Either don't engrave a date or ask the couple which date they prefer.

lorelai

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2017, 09:53:01 AM »
The church service is also a wedding. The couple should have input on the date of an engraved item, if it must be engraved.

mime

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2017, 10:49:28 AM »
This might be one of those times when a gift should be chosen that doesn't need to be engraved.

Agreed... or if it's something that the aunt does for all family weddings, just ask the couple what date they'd like.

This. I get the sense the aunt wants to make her negative view of how the couple went about this known. Sure, she can do this. But why would she want to? Either don't engrave a date or ask the couple which date they prefer.

This.

NFPwife

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2017, 10:55:06 AM »
The church service is also a wedding. The couple should have input on the date of an engraved item, if it must be engraved.

This. In some denominations the couple isn't married in the eyes of the church until the church wedding. The couple should determine which date they'd prefer, if the aunt would not want to abide by their wishes if they selected the date of the legal marriage over the church marriage, then she shouldn't select a gift that needs engraved.

GardenGal

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2017, 09:12:51 PM »
I agree with asking the couple.  My DS and DIL got married in February (so one of them could be on the other's medical insurance, I forget if it was him or her).  But they had a "real wedding" in May, and that's the date they always celebrate.  For legal purposes, however, I'm guessing they'd need to use the February date on documents requesting it.
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MariaE

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2017, 12:10:36 AM »
Agree with asking the couple. Some friends of mine got married by a JoP for practical reasons (he was a soldier and about to be deployed to Afghanistan) about 6 months before their church wedding (which was already arranged at this time). They consider the church blessing their "wedding day". The stuff in front of the JoP? Just paperwork. Anything ingraved with that date would be met with looks of confusion ("What happened that day? Oh wait... that's right") and polite but puzzled thanks.
 
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Erich L-ster

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2017, 01:52:36 AM »
A lot of people have financial or practical (insurance etc) reasons to get legally married before they can afford the wedding they want. Nobody should be offended unless they're trying to go for 2 rounds of gifts. I assume Aunt didn't gift them anything for the civil ceremony.

#borecore

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2017, 07:53:30 AM »
Link?

I would unquestionably use the wedding date, not the JOP date. The JOP date was almost certainly a matter of convenience.

But I would also not use anything engraved with my wedding date on the regular. I'm so glad none of my guests gave us an engraved whatchamacallit. So my real advice is to get them something else or not engrave the item.

Or actually ask the couple? Seems way too logical!

I'm currently in this situation. I found out at a wedding shower for a dear friend a couple of weeks ago that she got married in October. Her 'real' wedding is in May. It would take some digging/additional questioning to even figure out her official date (or why she bothered getting married 8 months in advance -- she certainly didn't seem to think it was a big deal and knowing her situation, I imagine it was insurance-related). I did not ask. If I got her a gift with that date, I'm betting she'd be dumbfounded! (I got her something for the kitchen, though, so no worries!)

SamiHami

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2017, 08:07:19 AM »
Link?

I would unquestionably use the wedding date, not the JOP date. The JOP date was almost certainly a matter of convenience.

But I would also not use anything engraved with my wedding date on the regular. I'm so glad none of my guests gave us an engraved whatchamacallit. So my real advice is to get them something else or not engrave the item.

Or actually ask the couple? Seems way too logical!

I'm currently in this situation. I found out at a wedding shower for a dear friend a couple of weeks ago that she got married in October. Her 'real' wedding is in May. It would take some digging/additional questioning to even figure out her official date (or why she bothered getting married 8 months in advance -- she certainly didn't seem to think it was a big deal and knowing her situation, I imagine it was insurance-related). I did not ask. If I got her a gift with that date, I'm betting she'd be dumbfounded! (I got her something for the kitchen, though, so no worries!)

But the JOP date is the wedding date.

I

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

mime

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2017, 10:24:50 AM »
Link?

I would unquestionably use the wedding date, not the JOP date. The JOP date was almost certainly a matter of convenience.

But I would also not use anything engraved with my wedding date on the regular. I'm so glad none of my guests gave us an engraved whatchamacallit. So my real advice is to get them something else or not engrave the item.

Or actually ask the couple? Seems way too logical!

I'm currently in this situation. I found out at a wedding shower for a dear friend a couple of weeks ago that she got married in October. Her 'real' wedding is in May. It would take some digging/additional questioning to even figure out her official date (or why she bothered getting married 8 months in advance -- she certainly didn't seem to think it was a big deal and knowing her situation, I imagine it was insurance-related). I did not ask. If I got her a gift with that date, I'm betting she'd be dumbfounded! (I got her something for the kitchen, though, so no worries!)

But the JOP date is the wedding date.

I

And the church date is the wedding date, too. They each serve a purpose of their own.

Which one will the couple celebrate? That will indicate which one they value and see as more 'real'. It may not be the same opinion that aunt would hold, but she doesn't get to tell them what their values should be.

MariaE

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2017, 11:07:19 AM »
Link?

I would unquestionably use the wedding date, not the JOP date. The JOP date was almost certainly a matter of convenience.

But I would also not use anything engraved with my wedding date on the regular. I'm so glad none of my guests gave us an engraved whatchamacallit. So my real advice is to get them something else or not engrave the item.

Or actually ask the couple? Seems way too logical!

I'm currently in this situation. I found out at a wedding shower for a dear friend a couple of weeks ago that she got married in October. Her 'real' wedding is in May. It would take some digging/additional questioning to even figure out her official date (or why she bothered getting married 8 months in advance -- she certainly didn't seem to think it was a big deal and knowing her situation, I imagine it was insurance-related). I did not ask. If I got her a gift with that date, I'm betting she'd be dumbfounded! (I got her something for the kitchen, though, so no worries!)

But the JOP date is the wedding date.

I

And the church date is the wedding date, too. They each serve a purpose of their own.

Which one will the couple celebrate? That will indicate which one they value and see as more 'real'. It may not be the same opinion that aunt would hold, but she doesn't get to tell them what their values should be.

Exactly.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Harriet Jones

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2017, 12:08:49 PM »
If it's important for the aunt to give something engraved with the date, why doesn't she just ask what they'd prefer?  I suspect she just wants something to grumble about.  There *are* non-gift-grabby reasons to have a JoP wedding and a church wedding.