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  • November 19, 2017, 06:50:13 AM

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Author Topic: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby  (Read 3557 times)

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JeanFromBNA

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2017, 12:22:42 PM »
I don't read DA, but why doesn't she get them a toaster and be done with it?  I suspect an agenda.

miranova

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2017, 12:44:49 PM »
  I suspect an agenda.

Yep.  There is literally no other reason for the LW to be wringing her hands over this.  If she's close enough to be invited, then she is close enough to ask the couple what they prefer.  Isn't the whole point of a gift to get something the couple wants?  Why give them a gift engraved with a date THEY don't value?  It makes no sense unless you are trying to make a point.

rose red

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #17 on: April 21, 2017, 12:57:39 PM »
Perhaps she gives the same engraved gift to all her relatives. I don't see any judgement or agenda in the letter. I have seen similar questions right here on Ehell where we tell the OP to just ask the other person; what's the big deal?

My impression of the letter was a simple question due to puzzlement. The LW doesn't say why the HC is having two ceremonies (culture, financial, a sick grandparent who want to see them married and fear the planned church wedding may be too late, etc.) The LW may very well approve or understand. Like emails, we don't know the tone.

We can say you only get one wedding and it's just a show after that. But I don't believe that etiquette is so rigid that the rules can't bend depending on individual circumstances.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2017, 01:06:05 PM by rose red »

Kiwipinball

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #18 on: April 21, 2017, 04:40:15 PM »
Perhaps she gives the same engraved gift to all her relatives. I don't see any judgement or agenda in the letter. I have seen similar questions right here on Ehell where we tell the OP to just ask the other person; what's the big deal?

My impression of the letter was a simple question due to puzzlement. The LW doesn't say why the HC is having two ceremonies (culture, financial, a sick grandparent who want to see them married and fear the planned church wedding may be too late, etc.) The LW may very well approve or understand. Like emails, we don't know the tone.

We can say you only get one wedding and it's just a show after that. But I don't believe that etiquette is so rigid that the rules can't bend depending on individual circumstances.

Yeah, I agree. I didn't sense any judgment. I think she was just wondering if there's a clear "rule" about which date to use. There's not, so asking the couple is the best bet. But it does slightly spoil the surprise, so I can see wanting to determine if there's a standard answer first.

Mad Goat Woman

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2017, 04:50:31 AM »
A friend of mine married her husband in a JP wedding, but there were extenuating circumstances surrounding it. She needed to be on her husband's insurance because she needed spinal surgery due to a car accident they'd been involved in. They then got married officially (in their eyes) the following January, and that's the wedding date they celebrate. Those who were invited to the wedding were aware of those circumstances, and didn't begrudge the HC the second ceremony.

In my mind, etiquette may dictate one thing, but I do not believe that it would be fair, or even practical, to the HC if they were penalised for extenuating circumstances just because etiquette dictates that someone must only have one wedding.

Captains Flat, Australia

Harriet Jones

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2017, 08:12:57 AM »
Perhaps she gives the same engraved gift to all her relatives. I don't see any judgement or agenda in the letter. I have seen similar questions right here on Ehell where we tell the OP to just ask the other person; what's the big deal?

My impression of the letter was a simple question due to puzzlement. The LW doesn't say why the HC is having two ceremonies (culture, financial, a sick grandparent who want to see them married and fear the planned church wedding may be too late, etc.) The LW may very well approve or understand. Like emails, we don't know the tone.

We can say you only get one wedding and it's just a show after that. But I don't believe that etiquette is so rigid that the rules can't bend depending on individual circumstances.

Yeah, I agree. I didn't sense any judgment. I think she was just wondering if there's a clear "rule" about which date to use. There's not, so asking the couple is the best bet. But it does slightly spoil the surprise, so I can see wanting to determine if there's a standard answer first.

It's not a surprise if she gives the same engraved wedding gift to everyone.

If she doesn't have an agenda, why is she writing to an advice columnist instead of just *asking* someone?  If she's not close enough to ask her sibling about the HC's preference, maybe she's not close enough to give them a personalized gift.

rose red

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #21 on: April 22, 2017, 09:10:26 AM »
Perhaps she gives the same engraved gift to all her relatives. I don't see any judgement or agenda in the letter. I have seen similar questions right here on Ehell where we tell the OP to just ask the other person; what's the big deal?

My impression of the letter was a simple question due to puzzlement. The LW doesn't say why the HC is having two ceremonies (culture, financial, a sick grandparent who want to see them married and fear the planned church wedding may be too late, etc.) The LW may very well approve or understand. Like emails, we don't know the tone.

We can say you only get one wedding and it's just a show after that. But I don't believe that etiquette is so rigid that the rules can't bend depending on individual circumstances.

Yeah, I agree. I didn't sense any judgment. I think she was just wondering if there's a clear "rule" about which date to use. There's not, so asking the couple is the best bet. But it does slightly spoil the surprise, so I can see wanting to determine if there's a standard answer first.

It's not a surprise if she gives the same engraved wedding gift to everyone.

If she doesn't have an agenda, why is she writing to an advice columnist instead of just *asking* someone?  If she's not close enough to ask her sibling about the HC's preference, maybe she's not close enough to give them a personalized gift.

Giving the same gift is just a theory. Just like every "what if's" here. We don't know how the LW feels. You think there's an agenda. Some posters don't. Since we don't know anything, none of us are right or wrong, including thinking there's an agenda.

Another "what if" is what if the LW can't ask her sibling because they have passed away?

I've said this before, but I'm not sure why an etiquette site often jumps to the worst conclusion.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2017, 09:14:46 AM by rose red »

Harriet Jones

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2017, 09:38:39 AM »
The sibling being deceased is also a 'worst case scenario'.    I still don't know why she just can't ask *someone*.  If the HC has actually sent her an invitation, she has contact information.  "I'd like to get you an engraved gift, would you prefer X date on it or Y?"  The gift is still a surprise that way.

rose red

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Re: 04/20/2017 Dear Abby
« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2017, 10:43:57 AM »
The sibling being deceased is also a 'worst case scenario'.    I still don't know why she just can't ask *someone*.  If the HC has actually sent her an invitation, she has contact information.  "I'd like to get you an engraved gift, would you prefer X date on it or Y?"  The gift is still a surprise that way.

Yes, exactly. That's my point. We don't know anything about the LW or why she asked DA instead of the HC. All we can do is play the "what if" game. It's fine if posters think there's an agenda, but it's also fine for those who think there's an innocent reason (I doubt either side will change their minds). Like a PP said, perhaps she's just asking an "expert" what the correct thing is. Now she knows straight from DA that there's no "correct" rule, but to ask what the HC prefers.

And like I said, even here on Ehell, there have been many questions that can be answered by "the other person" yet posters still ask us (strangers) for their own reasons.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2017, 11:07:52 AM by rose red »