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Onyx_TKD

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #15 on: April 26, 2017, 08:35:16 PM »
As someone who has watched and assisted with a friend's cake-decorating side-business, I think the core problem here is that your expectations and specificity were waaaay too high for a hobby baker, especially one who you're not paying (I'm assuming you would have mentioned if this were a business deal). You definitely need a professional baker for the main cake--someone who you can expect to produce a cake to your specifications (or tell you frankly why they can't and/or why it costs $xxx). IMO, you're much more likely to burn bridges by getting stressed out and aggravated at someone intending to do you a favor than by letting her off the hook and hiring a professional. I would suggest first offering her a complete "out." Then, if she seems to genuinely want to provide a cake, ask her to do a grooms' cake as PPs suggested. I would suggest something along the lines of:
"WOBM, I need to talk to you about the cake. I realized I'm not being fair to you. Your offer to bake our cake was so sweet and generous that I didn't think about what a huge task that can be. I realized that I have a really specific image in my head that I'm really attached to, and it's too big an expectation to put on a friend--I want you to enjoy yourself as a guest, not worry about making a cake just right."

At that point, if WOBM seems relieved or content to step back from being the baker, just thank her again, sincerely, for her offer to make it. If she protests that she wants to make the cake, then suggest the groom's cake: "If you're sure it's not too much trouble, what would be a real treat is if you could make the groom's cake for Fiance. Knowing him so well, I know you and BM would come up with something perfect!"

The wife of the best man, (given our age and the type of ceremony, he is in fact a witness and support mainly as opposed to the traditional best man with extra responsibilities) during all of this, spontaneously offered to make the cake. She does do cake baking as a side hobby - mainly the occasional children's birthday cake. I took her up on the offer.

Now, Houston, we have a problem. WOBM has been nothing but a nuisance ever since. To be clear, she is not a close friend. I would say she is a social acquaintance by way of DF. Nonetheless, I must tread carefully so as not to offend her and possibly cause a rift with my DF's best friend.

Example:

I provided her with the exact type of cake I would like, with some example recipes that I put much time and effort into sourcing. I gave her exact exterior design icing instructions. I provided her with the topping detail - fresh flowers that I would source and provide.

What I have to deal with:

Unending Combobulations, off-tangent questions, not reading clearly nor looking at what I sent, going "off-script" to "what about this's", not to mention completely irrelevant and nosy questions about the rest of the wedding including, "What caterer did you hire?" and "What's for dinner?"  ::)

These communications, and I use that term loosely, have all been via her Facebook messaging me,  which is not my preferred method, while she is at work and quite obviously distracted.

The situation is as of this past Monday, at a stalemate when WOBM wrote, "Well, let me know what you decide!" after I had made it abundantly clear exactly what I wanted. How does one proceed with this level of incompetence? I do realize I got myself into this mess. If this were a professional, I could and would simply walk out of their door and go elsewhere.


My situation:

I am stuck now. I am fed up and annoyed at having to deal with her. I also do not want to cause hurt feelings. On the other hand, I do care about having a quality cake present and accounted for at our wedding ceremony. Is there a way to salvage this fiasco?

My one option that I have come up with so far is to print out the cake recipe, the icing, and the full instructions as well as one single picture of the end result and clear instructions that I will provide the topper. I have already done this. My DF can go have a friend visit with best man and pass them on with a friendly "From the bride-to-be for your kind wife".

Would this be okay or seem passive-aggressive and cause more problems? At this point, I cannot bring myself to talk to her, as I am too annoyed.

Any other win-win solutions in keeping with etiquette would be gratefully appreciated.

Between planning a wedding and having a parent in poor health, it's easy to see why you might be stressed out by dealing with this. However, as an outsider, what I see is this:
  • WOBM volunteered to take on a big and expensive task for your wedding--that would be pretty generous undertaking even for a close friend, let alone someone who's closer to an acquaintance.
  • You provided a list of very specific requests, which she may or may not be prepared to fulfill as a hobby baker. It doesn't sound like you guys ever had a clear discussion of whether it was a design she could handle (which is a conversation you'd need to have even with a professional before signing a contract).
  • She has offered some of her own suggestions for possible cake designs. This may be suggestions of what she can do if your requests are too ambitious for her skills or simply things she thinks you might like. Granted, if your requests are outside her skillset, it would be better to tell you that straight out and then discuss alternatives, but some people have a hard time saying "no."
  • She is taking an interest in the details of your wedding planning. Persistent "nosy" questions would be inappropriate from a professional hired just to bake your cake...but WOBM is a friend (or at worst a friendly acquaintance) showing an interest in your life and an event that is presumably very important to you. The questions you quoted don't strike me as being very nosy for a friend, and certainly not for a friend who's actually involved in your wedding plans (currently as both the cake baker and the best man's wife).

Trust me, I understand how even objectively nice and well-meant gestures can manage to be incredibly annoying when you're feeling harried and stressed! Especially if they aren't your "style." But this woman sounds to me like she's enthusiastic about your wedding and trying to do something very nice to contribute to it. And yet you're already to the point of calling her a "nuisance" and "incompetent."  :'( So, for both your sakes, put your dream cake in the hands of a professional so you're no longer associating your stress with her and you can start seeing her as a positive in your life rather than an aggravation.

BTW, even for a professional, I would consider specifying the recipe to be micro-managing. My friend's clients chose from a range of cake flavors she made, or they requested a flavor and she selected a suitable recipe in that flavor. My impression was that a professional bakery would be similar--they would show you (and provide samples of) what they offer and you pick from that. I would be astonished to hear someone ask a baker to use the customer's recipe, except possibly as a special request for some family recipe with sentimental value, and in that case I would expect that it might increase the cost. E.g., if my friend were asked to use a specific, unfamiliar recipe for a client's wedding cake, she would likely need to do at least a basic test run (at the client's expense) to make sure that the cake the recipe produced was suitable for the design the client was asking for.

LemonZen

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #16 on: April 26, 2017, 09:28:53 PM »
As someone who has watched and assisted with a friend's cake-decorating side-business, I think the core problem here is that your expectations and specificity were waaaay too high for a hobby baker, especially one who you're not paying (I'm assuming you would have mentioned if this were a business deal). You definitely need a professional baker for the main cake--someone who you can expect to produce a cake to your specifications (or tell you frankly why they can't and/or why it costs $xxx). IMO, you're much more likely to burn bridges by getting stressed out and aggravated at someone intending to do you a favor than by letting her off the hook and hiring a professional. I would suggest first offering her a complete "out." Then, if she seems to genuinely want to provide a cake, ask her to do a grooms' cake as PPs suggested.

(snipped quote for brevity)

My mom bakes and decorates cakes as a hobby, and I have to say I agree with the above. She has offered to make wedding cakes for close friends and family before, and if someone had given her a specific recipe and that level of detail of decorating instructions, she would have been very surprised. She's pretty upfront about what she can offer (flavours, styles, etc.) She does not like to experiment with recipes she's never used for something as big as a wedding cake, there's just way too much that can go wrong. My mom, however, would have had no problem in letting you know that she was not comfortable with your level of expectation and would have bowed out of doing the cake. If this lady is feeling overwhelmed, she may not know how to say no. Give her an out, or ask if she'll do a groom's cake. (Although if you do ask her to do a groom's cake, I'd only do that if you can be comfortable giving her some leeway in the details of the cake. As in you could specify chocolate cake, but not the recipe, for example.)

I also agree with Onyx that even at a professional bakery, I would be surprised if most of them would be willing to use your recipe rather than one of their tried and true recipes. They would be staking their professional reputation on a recipe they haven't perfected. And they'd probably have to test it, perhaps several times, which would be costly and time consuming.

I get why you'd want to be specific about these things, I'm a planner too and I like making sure things are the way I want them, especially for a big occasion. I think you just have to decide if the specifics of the cake are important enough to want to pay what they're worth. Which is a totally legit decision, but in that case it's better to let the WOBM off the hook for something she may not be comfortable (or able) to make.

forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #17 on: April 26, 2017, 11:08:53 PM »

As someone who has watched and assisted with a friend's cake-decorating side-business, I think the core problem here is that your expectations and specificity were waaaay too high for a hobby baker, especially one who you're not paying (I'm assuming you would have mentioned if this were a business deal). You definitely need a professional baker for the main cake--someone who you can expect to produce a cake to your specifications (or tell you frankly why they can't and/or why it costs $xxx).


I had not specified the type of cake I wanted for the wedding when WOBM made the offer.

However, the cake is actually simpler than the baptism cake she made 25 years ago. It is a single tier 8" layer cake with buttercream icing. I could make this myself, except that I have many other things on my plate at the moment as well as self catering other aspects of the reception which are not covered by the sit-down dinner, which is why I took her up on the offer.

She offered as a favour/gift or at least this is the way I took the offer. No payment was mentioned as per how she offered and this is going by our social convention as per an offer like this among a circle. If she had an expectation of remuneration, as in if it was a side business and she had said so, I surely would pay her. This is more of a gift or favour as I understand it, which I would of course thank in kind.

I do regret not going the route of simply hiring a vendor as opposed to let Aunt Mary with her Canon take the pictures route. There is a lesson in being wary of getting services for free in some cases.



 IMO, you're much more likely to burn bridges by getting stressed out and aggravated at someone intending to do you a favor than by letting her off the hook and hiring a professional.


Yes. This is why I was looking for a salvage.



 I would suggest first offering her a complete "out." Then, if she seems to genuinely want to provide a cake, ask her to do a grooms' cake as PPs suggested. I would suggest something along the lines of:
"WOBM, I need to talk to you about the cake. I realized I'm not being fair to you. Your offer to bake our cake was so sweet and generous that I didn't think about what a huge task that can be. I realized that I have a really specific image in my head that I'm really attached to, and it's too big an expectation to put on a friend--I want you to enjoy yourself as a guest, not worry about making a cake just right."

At that point, if WOBM seems relieved or content to step back from being the baker, just thank her again, sincerely, for her offer to make it. If she protests that she wants to make the cake, then suggest the groom's cake: "If you're sure it's not too much trouble, what would be a real treat is if you could make the groom's cake for Fiance. Knowing him so well, I know you and BM would come up with something perfect!"


Yes. The groom cake will be saving grace option.




Between planning a wedding and having a parent in poor health, it's easy to see why you might be stressed out by dealing with this. However, as an outsider, what I see is this:
  • WOBM volunteered to take on a big and expensive task for your wedding--that would be pretty generous undertaking even for a close friend, let alone someone who's closer to an acquaintance.
  • You provided a list of very specific requests, which she may or may not be prepared to fulfill as a hobby baker. It doesn't sound like you guys ever had a clear discussion of whether it was a design she could handle (which is a conversation you'd need to have even with a professional before signing a contract).
  • She has offered some of her own suggestions for possible cake designs. This may be suggestions of what she can do if your requests are too ambitious for her skills or simply things she thinks you might like. Granted, if your requests are outside her skillset, it would be better to tell you that straight out and then discuss alternatives, but some people have a hard time saying "no."


Yes. It was a generous offering for her to do the cake.

Just to be clear though, as I have not including every single step of the way in this, and thus it may be unclear. I gave her pretty open and simple instructions at the outset as to general design and flavour. I do not wish to get too personal and specific in a public forum. But, suffice it to say, this cake is and should be a cake-walk. It is not elaborate or fancy. It has a flavour and basic icing. It can't get much easier.

The problem arose when she kept trying to change my simple request with "How about this kind of cake?" This is far and beyond whether she can make a basic layer cake. She can. She can't listen to direction and tries to insert her own ideas.







  • She is taking an interest in the details of your wedding planning. Persistent "nosy" questions would be inappropriate from a professional hired just to bake your cake...but WOBM is a friend (or at worst a friendly acquaintance) showing an interest in your life and an event that is presumably very important to you. The questions you quoted don't strike me as being very nosy for a friend, and certainly not for a friend who's actually involved in your wedding plans (currently as both the cake baker and the best man's wife).


Trust me, I understand how even objectively nice and well-meant gestures can manage to be incredibly annoying when you're feeling harried and stressed! Especially if they aren't your "style." But this woman sounds to me like she's enthusiastic about your wedding and trying to do something very nice to contribute to it. And yet you're already to the point of calling her a "nuisance" and "incompetent."  :'( So, for both your sakes, put your dream cake in the hands of a professional so you're no longer associating your stress with her and you can start seeing her as a positive in your life rather than an aggravation.


It may be partially a style friction. Yes.



BTW, even for a professional, I would consider specifying the recipe to be micro-managing. My friend's clients chose from a range of cake flavors she made, or they requested a flavor and she selected a suitable recipe in that flavor. My impression was that a professional bakery would be similar--they would show you (and provide samples of) what they offer and you pick from that. I would be astonished to hear someone ask a baker to use the customer's recipe, except possibly as a special request for some family recipe with sentimental value, and in that case I would expect that it might increase the cost. E.g., if my friend were asked to use a specific, unfamiliar recipe for a client's wedding cake, she would likely need to do at least a basic test run (at the client's expense) to make sure that the cake the recipe produced was suitable for the design the client was asking for.

The exact recipe was from a well known patisserie expert, easy as pie to follow and  was sent as an exasperated last resort, after months of run-around and helplessness from her.

forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #18 on: April 26, 2017, 11:34:00 PM »
My mom bakes and decorates cakes as a hobby, and I have to say I agree with the above. She has offered to make wedding cakes for close friends and family before, and if someone had given her a specific recipe and that level of detail of decorating instructions, she would have been very surprised. She's pretty upfront about what she can offer (flavours, styles, etc.) She does not like to experiment with recipes she's never used for something as big as a wedding cake, there's just way too much that can go wrong. My mom, however, would have had no problem in letting you know that she was not comfortable with your level of expectation and would have bowed out of doing the cake. If this lady is feeling overwhelmed, she may not know how to say no. Give her an out, or ask if she'll do a groom's cake. (Although if you do ask her to do a groom's cake, I'd only do that if you can be comfortable giving her some leeway in the details of the cake. As in you could specify chocolate cake, but not the recipe, for example.)

I also agree with Onyx that even at a professional bakery, I would be surprised if most of them would be willing to use your recipe rather than one of their tried and true recipes. They would be staking their professional reputation on a recipe they haven't perfected. And they'd probably have to test it, perhaps several times, which would be costly and time consuming.

I get why you'd want to be specific about these things, I'm a planner too and I like making sure things are the way I want them, especially for a big occasion. I think you just have to decide if the specifics of the cake are important enough to want to pay what they're worth. Which is a totally legit decision, but in that case it's better to let the WOBM off the hook for something she may not be comfortable (or able) to make.

Thank you for weighing in also as another person with a connection in this vendor category. I do very much appreciate and am listening to the from-the-vendor-side of this, as I was always taking this into account.

I just want to say that I have been trying valiantly for weeks and weeks to make this as easy and simple and straight forward as possible for this lady. Like I wrote above to Onyx, the recipe was a last resort, a last ditch which actually gave me the heeby-jeebies that this was getting out of hand.

I don't micro manage. I take a loose "this is the style and substance, if you get it go for it!" approach. In almost all cases when I see the person and know they are on the same page with me, the outcome is great. Unfortunately, I think there is a chasm or something got lost in translation with this cake offer.

Now, I will admit I am particular.

So, we will have a professional cake and I will suck up whatever happens. If we have a groom cake too, well gosh darn it, my hubby will be smiling and I will have gotten through another one.

« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 11:37:58 PM by forsythia »

FauxFoodist

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #19 on: April 27, 2017, 01:20:45 AM »
8-inch single layer with buttercream, and she's unable to simply do this?  Yeah, I don't get it.  It sounds like she's making this way more complicated than it need be.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #20 on: April 27, 2017, 08:16:10 AM »
8-inch single layer with buttercream, and she's unable to simply do this?  Yeah, I don't get it.  It sounds like she's making this way more complicated than it need be.

I think the issue is she wants to do something more elaborate. She might have had grand ideas of a multi-tier wedding cake with elaborate flavorings and fillings which is why she keeps floating more ideas.

I like the idea of offering the grooms cake. And since she seems to be creative the OP can say "I've been thinking that I'd like to also have a grooms cake. Would you mind coming up with an idea and plan for that instead of the simple wedding cake I'd planned? I'll just order it from a bakery since." Then let her get creative and then "hide it in the garage" if it's a flop.

LemonZen

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #21 on: April 27, 2017, 08:52:53 AM »
My mom bakes and decorates cakes as a hobby, and I have to say I agree with the above. She has offered to make wedding cakes for close friends and family before, and if someone had given her a specific recipe and that level of detail of decorating instructions, she would have been very surprised. She's pretty upfront about what she can offer (flavours, styles, etc.) She does not like to experiment with recipes she's never used for something as big as a wedding cake, there's just way too much that can go wrong. My mom, however, would have had no problem in letting you know that she was not comfortable with your level of expectation and would have bowed out of doing the cake. If this lady is feeling overwhelmed, she may not know how to say no. Give her an out, or ask if she'll do a groom's cake. (Although if you do ask her to do a groom's cake, I'd only do that if you can be comfortable giving her some leeway in the details of the cake. As in you could specify chocolate cake, but not the recipe, for example.)

I also agree with Onyx that even at a professional bakery, I would be surprised if most of them would be willing to use your recipe rather than one of their tried and true recipes. They would be staking their professional reputation on a recipe they haven't perfected. And they'd probably have to test it, perhaps several times, which would be costly and time consuming.

I get why you'd want to be specific about these things, I'm a planner too and I like making sure things are the way I want them, especially for a big occasion. I think you just have to decide if the specifics of the cake are important enough to want to pay what they're worth. Which is a totally legit decision, but in that case it's better to let the WOBM off the hook for something she may not be comfortable (or able) to make.

Thank you for weighing in also as another person with a connection in this vendor category. I do very much appreciate and am listening to the from-the-vendor-side of this, as I was always taking this into account.

I just want to say that I have been trying valiantly for weeks and weeks to make this as easy and simple and straight forward as possible for this lady. Like I wrote above to Onyx, the recipe was a last resort, a last ditch which actually gave me the heeby-jeebies that this was getting out of hand.

I don't micro manage. I take a loose "this is the style and substance, if you get it go for it!" approach. In almost all cases when I see the person and know they are on the same page with me, the outcome is great. Unfortunately, I think there is a chasm or something got lost in translation with this cake offer.

Now, I will admit I am particular.

So, we will have a professional cake and I will suck up whatever happens. If we have a groom cake too, well gosh darn it, my hubby will be smiling and I will have gotten through another one.

It does sound as if this lady is a flake, and I can sympathise with your frustrations! I've had people who have wonderful generous ideas and then can't figure out how to follow through. I really dislike trying to "cash in" a freely offered favour when the person offering makes it almost impossible to do so. I recently had a reliable relative offer to pay for a vacation we were planning, which was extremely generous and unexpected. This offer was repeated multiple times, was in lieu of a regular Christmas gift, and I was the only one not opening presents on Christmas morning because this was my gift. So I took it as a serious offer. I was asked to check in when I was ready to book. We did, and there was endless back and forth about it. We ended up paying for it with the understanding that they would pay us back later. Eventually it came out that the relative had an expense come up and wasn't able to pay for it after all. Which was fine, but frustrating as I'd rather not have been promised anything at all. Sometimes "favours" end up being more stress than they're worth.

Sophia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #22 on: April 27, 2017, 09:37:22 AM »
I'm thinking she bit off more than she could handle with a wedding cake. They are much more complicated than your everyday occasion cake. A suggestion I have, why don't you ask her if she could make a groom's cake instead??? It might help her save face a bit if she's the sensitive sort. Plus, a groom's cake much easier to deal with. Then just order your Wedding cake from a professional.

Ah, this sounds like a wonderful saving solution. It is one more thing in the mix, which I hadn't really needed, but then I can just leave it to her druthers and it might actually be a sweet way for her to do her thing without causing me extra stress. Added bonus: DF would call shotgun on that cake!

Thank you @Dazi.

I am going to propose this. It makes so much sense too. She is much closer to DF than she is to me. In that way, I think she might feel more comfortable with a groom cake.

When I read the OP my first thought was that a Birthday cake isn't a wedding cake.  With a kid's birthday cake the order is something like, "Could you do a Power Ranger theme?" Red velvet with cream cheese frosting.  With a wedding cake, it is like described in the OP.   I think she is uncomfortable with that level of direction.    But, a grooms cake is much like a birthday cake.   So, I think that would work.   


FauxFoodist

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #23 on: April 27, 2017, 12:05:49 PM »
8-inch single layer with buttercream, and she's unable to simply do this?  Yeah, I don't get it.  It sounds like she's making this way more complicated than it need be.

I think the issue is she wants to do something more elaborate. She might have had grand ideas of a multi-tier wedding cake with elaborate flavorings and fillings which is why she keeps floating more ideas.

I like the idea of offering the grooms cake. And since she seems to be creative the OP can say "I've been thinking that I'd like to also have a grooms cake. Would you mind coming up with an idea and plan for that instead of the simple wedding cake I'd planned? I'll just order it from a bakery since." Then let her get creative and then "hide it in the garage" if it's a flop.

She can always do a practice wedding cake on foam for her portfolio if she's so eager to do a fancy one.

I think the idea of having her do a groom's cake instead is brilliant.  I'd never heard of one until I saw "Steel Magnolias," and I've never been to a wedding where someone has had one.

forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #24 on: April 27, 2017, 01:45:25 PM »
8-inch single layer with buttercream, and she's unable to simply do this?  Yeah, I don't get it.  It sounds like she's making this way more complicated than it need be.

I think the issue is she wants to do something more elaborate. She might have had grand ideas of a multi-tier wedding cake with elaborate flavorings and fillings which is why she keeps floating more ideas.

I like the idea of offering the grooms cake. And since she seems to be creative the OP can say "I've been thinking that I'd like to also have a grooms cake. Would you mind coming up with an idea and plan for that instead of the simple wedding cake I'd planned? I'll just order it from a bakery since." Then let her get creative and then "hide it in the garage" if it's a flop.

@FauxFoodist,

I agree. I have not been able to get it, either. It is perplexing. Up until now, perhaps.

@Hmmmmm,

I think you may be onto something. Although, it may not be a case of "more elaborate" as something kind of similar, as in "more decorated". Her forte is colours, theme pictures, piping and flowers and such. She does primarily rectangular sheet or theme-shaped pan cakes for Birthdays, christenings, super bowl parties and such. These are a particular niche style of cake making. I think she enjoys and she is very good at this sort of fun cake.

The wedding cake I have asked for while easy from a production point of view, is not her thing. I think this may why she has been been going round and round on it with not listening to my simple request and proposing other styles (for example flowery icing).

I like simplicity. This is what I am after, but with only the single tier.



A lemon layer cake with very basic icing and a peony for decor. Lemon is my favourite flavour and my DF and family all love lemon as well. It being early spring, I thought this would be a lovely classic and fresh choice. We are not fussy or elaborate people. But, I am a stickler for reliability.

Unfortunately, this may not be fun for her or showcase her flare in what she normally does. Also a layer cake is a different construction than a sheet cake, and who knows maybe she is uncomfortable with that? But, then I don't understand why she would offer to do a wedding cake. The offer, although generous in initial intent may have been a bit too enthusiastic until she realized she was out of her comfort zone.


I have asked to speak to her in person this evening and will propose she do a fun groom's cake. I really hope and am crossing my fingers this will be the magic turn-around and she will grab this with gusto and run with it. I probably bore her with my plain jane lemon cake.





forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #25 on: April 27, 2017, 01:56:18 PM »
@LemonZen,

The trip gift that never materialized must have been disappointing. I think this may be partly a case something like it although not quite as grandiose - rushing in with a promise before one is sure it can be delivered.

Mustard

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #26 on: April 27, 2017, 04:15:03 PM »
Ah, with your update and picture it seems that your choice may not be fancy enough for her to showcase her skills; the groom's cake should give her the opportunity to do that. Good luck!

forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #27 on: April 27, 2017, 05:54:10 PM »
Thank you so much to everyone who has replied and offered her -- and maybe his? As I am new to E-Hell, I don't know you all yet :) --  perspective and possible solutions.

Update:

Just to recap:

My wedding is in eight days.

I have made repeated attempts over the span of 2 months to talk to the WOBM who volunteered as cake maker. Each time I have received an excuse and have been rebuffed that the timing as not good for her, when asked when would be good have had no response aside from distracted,  and unproductive messaging via Facebook while she is at work.

I contacted her once again on Monday of this week, reminding her of how close the wedding date is and attempting to confirm that she is on board with doing the kind of cake I would like, which ended fruitlessly. The rest has been detailed in my other posts.
   
I sent WOBM a text message a little while ago around the time she would normally be home from work kindly asking if she can fit in a phone call this evening with me after her dinner as I would like sort out loose ends for my wedding.

Her response was, "Not tonight. I'm brain dead from looking at model homes all day!!!"

No apology. No recognition of how close the wedding is. No attempt at re-scheduling.

To me at this point the writing is on the wall. She has left me with no other option but to make other arrangements. I have decided to make the cake myself. My DF is going to his BM's house tonight for a usual buddy get-together they have. I have asked him to convey to BM that I am making the cake with my daughter and to tell his wife, "Thanks for the offer, but as you have so much going on now looking for a new house, forsythia really does not want to burden your wife any more. Also, it will be a nice mother-daughter wedding prep to do."


I have decided against a groom cake. I was wavering on this a bit to be honest. Although it seemed like a great solution, and I had thought it might be a way to let WOBM shine, after talking to my daughter there would have been more problems and speculation if I did this. A groom cake is unheard of where I live. Thus, it would have raised some eyebrows. But, it also might have come across as transparently disingenuous. Since, I would not have even considered a groom cake under normal circumstance and was frankly clutching at straws to hopefully not offend. I think we are passed this.

I do think I have done everything possible to make this work from my end and am not breaching etiquette to make alternate arrangements.


Harriet Jones

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #28 on: April 27, 2017, 06:24:14 PM »
Hopefully, there won't be much social fallout from this. It sounds like maybe her offer wasn't as sincere as it could have been.


I'm kinda curious as to why a groom's cake would raise eyebrows!  In my experience, it's just a fun way to have another cake.

forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #29 on: April 27, 2017, 06:44:04 PM »

Hopefully, there won't be much social fallout from this. It sounds like maybe her offer wasn't as sincere as it could have been.


That has been part of my stress in concern for possible social fallout. Whether her offer was sincere or not only she knows. The only part I know is there was no follow through and have been working at dealing with it in the best way.


I'm kinda curious as to why a groom's cake would raise eyebrows!  In my experience, it's just a fun way to have another cake.

Yes, it would be.  :) One day I hope to be at a wedding where this is done. I like finding out about other traditions.

It would raise eyebrows only insofar as no one we know has ever heard of such a thing at a wedding and doing the "who ever heard of this?" is out of character for me, and would therefore come across as off and rightly so.



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