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  • November 23, 2017, 09:16:39 AM

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Author Topic: Cake maker stress  (Read 8872 times)

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gellchom

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #60 on: May 01, 2017, 10:10:49 PM »
Gellchom, I think you missed the update where the OP said she only provided the specifics after the baker started going off piste per se.

I'm not sure what "going off piste per se" means, but I went back and read the OP's later posts.  If anything, it seems even clearer.  She stated that when she first accepted the offer, there were no specifics.  It was only later that she started telling this woman very specifically exactly what she wanted:

Quote
I sent her detailed information in writing. Combined with an exact type of cake with links ... My information was exhaustive as well as clear. It is just the way I do things.

It sounds to me like the offer was to make "a wedding cake," not to make "exactly the wedding cake you envision down to the last detail."  I agree with Toots, Onyx, and the others that you just can't operate that way with a friend who is doing a favor, as opposed to a vendor you're paying.  (I think even a professional baker would be surprised by this level of specificity.)

There is nothing wrong with the OP wanting her cake exactly the way she wants it!  It just doesn't go with accepting a favor. 

Anyway, it sounds like she got what she wanted, which she should.  I hope that the relationships aren't harmed -- I'm betting that this woman is actually relieved, so, happy ending all around.

[Onyx posted while I was writing this, and she put it better than I did!]

forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #61 on: May 01, 2017, 10:42:21 PM »


As usual, Toots has nailed it. 

When someone offers to do you a favor, you take it or leave it, like a gift -- you don't start giving specifications as you would to a vendor you are hiring, even if they don't seem difficult.  You wrote:

Quote
I provided her with the exact type of cake I would like, with some example recipes that I put much time and effort into sourcing. I gave her exact exterior design icing instructions. I provided her with the topping detail - fresh flowers that I would source and provide.


gellchom,

I made it clear in this thread, after the first post, that the specifics were given only after multiple attempts to communicate with the WOBM which went nowhere. I was trying to help her focus.

I also stated there were issues with her deficient communication, lack of caring to get back to me in what any reasonable person would consider decent amount of time, lack of anything really, except extraneous things that had absolutely nothing to do with making a wedding cake. I did not granted spell it out on here as A,B,C. except in later posts. However, it is in this thread. I understand that you are making a point about favours. That point about favours  has already been covered in this thread, by the way. 

That has been dealt with and I do not see what else you hope to accomplish by going over it again.



Honestly, if I were in her position, I'd be pretty astonished.


The fact is that you are not in WOBM's position, gellchom. You can't possibly know all that went on that has not been said. At best, an outsider can guess and presume or on the other hand leave room for WOBM is not gellchom and may behave completely differently.

For that matter, one could also leave room for not presuming the worst of me.



 I mean, when you offer to do something like this, of course you take your friend's preferences into account and probably ask questions about flavors, style, etc.  But what seems simple to you may not mesh with the types of pans she has or the type of icing she's good at.  And I agree that her questions about the caterer and menu don't seem out of line.  If I am making dessert, of course I want to know about the meal it is to follow.  And I agree that if she is inner circle enough to be making the cake, she is inner circle enough to be discussing details.

Right now I am part of a group planning a bridal shower for a friend's daughter.  We asked her what kind of brunch food she likes; she said she loves Turkish breakfast.  That's just fine; we are planning a menu we think will please her, and we are happy to do it, just as other times we've asked the bride's favorite colors and decorated with them.  But I would be awfully surprised -- and consider her awfully nervy -- if she presented us with specific recipes and garnishes and pictures of the specific decorations and table settings she wanted.  To be honest, that's kind of what your first post sounded like to me.  I get it about wanting your wedding cake just the way you want it, but I agree with Toots and the others that you just can't be that demanding and specific with someone doing you a favor.

All that said, I think it all ended up great for you, and I hope you have a marvelous wedding!

The full time line was not presented in the first post. One would have had to pick up further things to see this wasn't a case of how you are presenting it. It is too bad that you have adopted a single impression and stuck with it.

Thank you for the well wishes.


forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #62 on: May 01, 2017, 11:20:39 PM »
Gellchom, I think you missed the update where the OP said she only provided the specifics after the baker started going off piste per se.

I'm not sure what "going off piste per se" means, but I went back and read the OP's later posts.  If anything, it seems even clearer.  She stated that when she first accepted the offer, there were no specifics.



I do realize that when someone posts a situation, that the situation then becomes a broader topic of discussion over etiquette.

However, when it comes to quoting someone who is present, whilst speaking about them on top of it, it would be polite to ask that person and clarify with them before speaking for them. At the very least, it would be best to not speak as if they were not present.

Solely being able to extract quotes to suit an argument, does not mean that you have caught everything. Kindly do consider extending me the decency of clarifying anything that you may be confused on or may have missed before doing the "she said" thing.












 

cass2591

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #63 on: May 02, 2017, 12:10:45 AM »
OP, your tone is needlessly combative and snippy. You also don't need to always have the last word.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

forsythia

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #64 on: May 02, 2017, 03:05:53 AM »

OP, your tone is needlessly combative and snippy.



Correction. You cannot read my tone.

My response to gellchom was not "snippy", nor was it "needlessly" combative.

When someone comes at you with uncalled-for hostility, there is only one single thing to do in order for it to never happen again and that is to combat it - head on. That is exactly what I did. Gellchom was out of line in numerous ways. I addressed each one in an assertive and civil manner. Contrary to being needless, it most definitely is necessary to speak up when someone immediately goes into dumping on you territory.

If you can't see this, then the failing as a moderator is on you. Choosing to handle the situation this way and further treat me rudely, is the nail in the coffin.


 
You also don't need to always have the last word.








cass2591

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #65 on: May 02, 2017, 12:26:18 PM »
This is an etiquette forum, not facebook, not a cable news show, not a radio talk show where combativeness, if not encouraged, is certainly not frowned upon in many instances. The offense was not political, racial, sexist, religious, etc etc. You were offended by Gellchom's comments. Life happens and if you addressed them with a modicum of politeness this discussion would not be taking place.


If you can't see this, then the failing as a moderator is on you. Choosing to handle the situation this way and further treat me rudely, is the nail in the coffin.

I don't know what you mean by this, but I assume you're flouncing?

And yes, sometimes I need to get the last word. Good luck on that cake.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #66 on: May 02, 2017, 02:59:38 PM »
I know the OP has resolved her situation (and probably left the discussion) but I'd like to address the idea that if you accept a favor you can not give specifics. I agree with this premise on the most part. But I think there are exceptions. And it would seem to me, offering to make a wedding cake would be one. If I were to offer I would assume the wedding couple had a very specific idea in mind about what they wanted and I would only make the offer if I was comfortable executing the favor based on their directions.

There's others, like babysitting. Just because I'm doing you a favor doesn't mean I can feed the child what I want or let them do things you wouldn't allow. Or painting a room. Just because I offer to paint the room, doesn't mean I get to pick the color and type of paint. The favor giver can specify convenient time to do the favor, the types of tools they prefer to use, but I think when aesthetics is involved the favor receiver has much more input.

TracyXJ

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Re: Cake maker stress
« Reply #67 on: May 02, 2017, 03:25:20 PM »
I know the OP has resolved her situation (and probably left the discussion) but I'd like to address the idea that if you accept a favor you can not give specifics. I agree with this premise on the most part. But I think there are exceptions. And it would seem to me, offering to make a wedding cake would be one. If I were to offer I would assume the wedding couple had a very specific idea in mind about what they wanted and I would only make the offer if I was comfortable executing the favor based on their directions.

There's others, like babysitting. Just because I'm doing you a favor doesn't mean I can feed the child what I want or let them do things you wouldn't allow. Or painting a room. Just because I offer to paint the room, doesn't mean I get to pick the color and type of paint. The favor giver can specify convenient time to do the favor, the types of tools they prefer to use, but I think when aesthetics is involved the favor receiver has much more input.

I agree that there are some favors where the favoree should have an input into the outcome.  I think that the favor offerer should be able to then back out of the offering if it becomes more than they can handle.  If they're close enough to offer a favor and accept it, then they should also be close enough to be able to talk it out and come to a happy conclusion.

This of course means that there is open communication between the 2 and that neither waits until last minute to realize that the favor isn't working out. 


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