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  • November 21, 2017, 08:14:28 PM

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Author Topic: No invitation  (Read 1358 times)

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bo

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No invitation
« on: May 25, 2017, 03:41:01 PM »
A good friend of mine called me a few months ago to tell me she got engaged. She stressed she was calling all her good friends to let them know.

A few weeks ago I received an invitation to her shower with a link to her wedding site. I went to it and saw the date for her wedding is in a little over two months. But I have never received an invitation to the wedding. If I wasn't invited to the wedding I would be disappointed but dealt with it, but to be invited to the shower.

What should I do? Contact her? Never mention it? What I thought about doing if by the shower date I receive no invitation RSVP and say since I  wasn't invited to the wedding I don't feel comfortable attending the shower. Too passive aggressive?

I will be seeing friend in two weeks. Should I wait until then to mention it? If so how?

Thank you in advance for any help.

Harriet Jones

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2017, 03:45:43 PM »
It's entirely possible they haven't mailed the wedding invitations yet. It would be cutting it close, but the traditional recommendation is 6-8 weeks beforehand.

I wouldn't say anything unless there's some way to work it into the conversation that doesn't sound like you're fishing for an invitation.

bo

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2017, 03:51:24 PM »
See if I wasn't invited to the shower I would be disappointed but never said anything. The shower is being thrown by someone I know only socially and her sister. Both people would have had to ask my friend for my address. I know friend very well, I just couldn't picture her just inviting me to the shower.

Harriet Jones

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2017, 04:03:48 PM »
It sounds like an awkward situation, but there's really not a good way to fish for an invitation, unless you're *absolutely* sure the bride isn't going to be offended.   Maybe they had to keep the guest list smaller than they originally wanted or it's just that they're waiting on the invitations to come back from the calligraphers so they haven't mailed anything yet.

gellchom

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2017, 04:16:28 PM »
I agree with the others.  First, they may not have sent out the invitations yet.  Come to think of it, the last few showers I've given or attended, the showers (let alone the invitations to the showers) were all before the wedding invitations went out.  So you are more like in the position of someone who got a save the date notice and then was invited to a shower -- in other words, typical.

I do agree that in most circumstances it is not okay to invite people to a shower who are not to be invited to the wedding -- there are several exceptions (tiny tiny wedding, shower given by a group like work or school or book club friends who wouldn't expect to be invited, non-gifting "shower" such as a recipe shower, etc.), although it doesn't sound like any applies here.  So if that is the case, and the bride gave the invitation list to the host(s), including people not to be invited to the wedding, with no applicable exception, you are right, she shouldn't have done that.

But. 

Be wise and don't say anything about it.  It will just make you look petty.  She may not even know that rule, and even if she does, breaking it is not the most vicious, awful thing anyone can do.  It's not up to you to school her or reproach her.  Attend or don't attend the shower as you please, but don't say a word to anyone about her (and it may not even be her; it could be the hosts') etiquette lapse, and definitely if you are declining, don't say you are declining because you don't feel comfortable attending because you aren't invited to the wedding.  Just decline because "unfortunately you cannot attend" - no other reason -- or accept, without comment about the wedding.

I wouldn't say anything about the invitation, even if you have reason to believe she meant for you to hold the date and to invite you and that the invitations have gone out.  If she did invite you and the invitation got lost, she will call you when she doesn't get a response from you. 

So now you need to decide whether to accept the shower invitation before you know whether or not you will be invited to the wedding.  It sounds like you probably will be anyway.  If you want to go even if there's a chance you won't be invited to the wedding, go ahead and have a good time.  Sure, she'd be wrong, but no need to miss out on something you think you'd enjoy just to punish her.

EllenS

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #5 on: May 25, 2017, 05:35:47 PM »
Six to eight weeks is standard advice, but a lot depends on geography. If guests would need airfare & hotel arrangements, more than 8 weeks would be better. If all the guests are local, 4 weeks is plenty.

Is your friend a generally thoughtful person, or is there a dynamic where you often feel used or that the friendship is one-sided?

Does she practice formal manners regularly, or is she a more casual person who is getting bits of wedding advice here and there, so that some of the guidance may be off the mark?

Is she extremely organized, or is she likely struggling to pull a big event together on time?

There are many possible explanations why your invitation may not have arrived yet, and your friend's personality is the best clue. If the RSVP date for the shower comes and goes with no wedding invitation, just know that it's not that unusual in terms of timing, and decide whether to go based on your knowledge of your friend and your friendship.

If you suspect that she's being gift-grabby and really don't want to attend the shower, don't say so. Just be "busy" that day. Then if you do get a wedding invite, you can still go with no awkwardness.

bo

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2017, 05:44:11 PM »
She is very organized and very responsible. She really isn't gift grabby that is why it confuses me. I will wait until I see her next week to make my decision

Hmmmmm

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2017, 06:36:07 PM »
She is very organized and very responsible. She really isn't gift grabby that is why it confuses me. I will wait until I see her next week to make my decision

Most of the invitations we receive for a wedding are mailed between 6 to 8 weeks. Two months before the wedding is way to early to expect to have received the invitation.

She took the time to personaly call you just a few months ago. And now you've received an invitation to the shower. I would use those as  better barmoters of whether I was going to be invited to the wedding.

Go to the shower and enjoy your time celebrating your friend. You'll probably hear lots of details about the wedding and your invitation will probably arrive in a few weeks.

DavidH

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2017, 06:51:03 PM »
Since she called to tell you about her engagement, and invited you to the shower, and sent you the link to her wedding site, it doesn't seem unreasonable to ask about the wedding.  If you know someone else invited to the shower, you could ask them if they have gotten an invitation and then decide what to do.  For someone who I considered a close friend, I'd just ask them if they've sent out invitations yet.  It's a bit forward, but for a close friend it would seem more likely it was lost in the mail than they essential did everything to suggest you were invited and then didn't invite you.

HannahGrace

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #9 on: May 25, 2017, 07:15:11 PM »
Don't borrow trouble. I haven't gotten an invitation yet for a wedding that is in 8 weeks and I'm officiating that wedding (I've seen the mock ups of the invitation so I know they are sending formal ones).

TootsNYC

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Re: No invitation
« Reply #10 on: May 25, 2017, 09:15:27 PM »
Since this is a good friend, I'd go to the shower cheerfully. And I'd ask someone like her mom or sister or maid of honor if the invitations have been mailed yet, and mention that I hadn't gotten one and was mentioning it in case it got lost in the mail.

Because it might have.

And even if it hadn't, I'd have no qualms about letting some sort of "you should invite me to the wedding" hint make its way up the telegraph. Because she deserves to hear that.

And then I'd see what happened.

But I'd go to the shower anyway, even if it was a big etiquette faux pas (and it is).