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  • November 24, 2017, 03:45:26 AM

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Author Topic: Love you for one party, but not THE party!  (Read 3714 times)

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JacklynHyde

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Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« on: June 11, 2017, 04:05:49 PM »
Long story short, is it rude to invite someone to the bachelorette party but not the actual wedding?  I was on the receiving end of this several years ago and it still has me scratching my head.  The bride and I had known each other for a couple of years and been good friends for several months at the time of the bachelorette party.

gramma dishes

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2017, 04:14:25 PM »
Yes, it is.

It may have just been a mix-up.  She may have either thought you were on the list to invite to the wedding, or did not know her bridesmaids had invited you to the bachelorette party.

Just out of curiosity, are you still friends?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2017, 05:14:43 PM »
Traditional etiquette is anyone who is invited to a pre-wedding event like an engagement party, shower, bachelor/ette party should be invited to the wedding. I do know many people who'll make allowances on this rule when it is a destination wedding or sometimes there might be a work shower and not all co-workers are invited to the wedding. But in your instance it does sound like an error.

Any chance the invite was lost?

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2017, 11:00:13 PM »
Traditional etiquette is anyone who is invited to a pre-wedding event like an engagement party, shower, bachelor/ette party should be invited to the wedding. I do know many people who'll make allowances on this rule when it is a destination wedding or sometimes there might be a work shower and not all co-workers are invited to the wedding. But in your instance it does sound like an error.

Any chance the invite was lost?

This. I think it's generally rude to invite someone to a pre-wedding event, but not the wedding itself.

katycoo

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2017, 12:58:01 AM »
I think its rude but it seems to be becoming more of a thing nowadays.

gellchom

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2017, 12:39:02 PM »
In just the last few days, we have been invited to two pre-wedding brunches and one dinner for couples whose weddings we will not (maybe one) be invited to.  None of them is a shower.  I don't think that any of the invitations said "engagement party" or any other name, just something like "brunch in honor of" or "pre-nuptial celebration."

Ordinarily, being invited to a pre-wedding event (except for things like office showers) when I'm not to be invited to the wedding puts me off, too.  But this time it feels right.

All three of these parties are given by friends of ours whose sons are getting married out of town.  The two I am sure about are out of state and will be small, family-only weddings.  The third will be 2 1/2 hours away; I believe large-ish; we may be invited to that one, but we had to decide about this invitation before we will know.

I think all these parents know the rule, and I know that at least one feels uneasy about it.  But I can easily understand how they feel.  They want to celebrate their son's marriage with their friends, and they know that their friends want that, too.  But the hosts of the weddings, whether the HC themselves or the other family, isn't letting them invite their friends to the wedding.  So what else can they do?

As a guest, in all three cases, I think it makes sense to do this, notwithstanding the rule.  I am glad to have a chance to celebrate with them even though I am not to be invited to the wedding (if anything, I'm glad to be relieved of having to travel for any of these weddings, none of which would be convenient).  I cannot imagine that anyone invited is going to think of it as a gift grab.  So to me it feels like an incorrect-but-not-rude situation.

Sometimes, parents and sometimes even HCs are placed in pretty much the same position when the location of the wedding and their relatives' and friends' resources make it impossible or burdensome for them to attend.  In that case, though, what usually happens is that they give a party in their city, their local friends are invited to both the party and the wedding, but they just attend the local party.

I do think that all these parents were wise to make it just a party, not a shower (even if hosted by someone else).  I'll give all the couples a gift, which after all is for the marriage, not the wedding, just the same as if I were invited to the wedding. 

Come to think of it, this is the flip side of the complaint we sometimes have when we are included in too many events for the same wedding, especially those that require multiple gifts or expensive arrangements (like a bachelorette trip).

gramma dishes

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2017, 12:49:10 PM »
^^^   You make many good points.

Cali.in.UK

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2017, 01:13:01 PM »
I think its weird in most cases unless if the bride and groom were having a courthouse wedding or something equally small that wouldn't allow them to invite all their friends, but they still wanted to celebrate with friends.

miranova

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2017, 03:35:29 PM »


They want to celebrate their son's marriage with their friends, and they know that their friends want that, too.  But the hosts of the weddings, whether the HC themselves or the other family, isn't letting them invite their friends to the wedding.  So what else can they do?



Accept the fact that they don't always get what they want?  I know that sounds snarky and I don't mean it to be, I just couldn't think of another way to say it.  It's not like they have no choice.  They could just choose to respect the couple's decision not to invite their parents's friends.


Tea Drinker

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2017, 06:01:20 PM »

I think all these parents know the rule, and I know that at least one feels uneasy about it.  But I can easily understand how they feel.  They want to celebrate their son's marriage with their friends, and they know that their friends want that, too.  But the hosts of the weddings, whether the HC themselves or the other family, isn't letting them invite their friends to the wedding.  So what else can they do?

The traditional thing would be to host a reception in honor of the newlyweds after the wedding. If I had to guess at why that's considered more appropriate, beyond tradition, it's that with this timing, the wedding has already happened, so the guests aren't going to think that being invited to this party means they'll also be invited to the wedding.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2017, 07:38:56 PM »

I think all these parents know the rule, and I know that at least one feels uneasy about it.  But I can easily understand how they feel.  They want to celebrate their son's marriage with their friends, and they know that their friends want that, too.  But the hosts of the weddings, whether the HC themselves or the other family, isn't letting them invite their friends to the wedding.  So what else can they do?

The traditional thing would be to host a reception in honor of the newlyweds after the wedding. If I had to guess at why that's considered more appropriate, beyond tradition, it's that with this timing, the wedding has already happened, so the guests aren't going to think that being invited to this party means they'll also be invited to the wedding.

I agree that it's traditional to host an event in honor of the couple after the wedding. Though I've never thought about why, I do agree that your reasoning sounds right. However, I wouldn't be bothered by being invited to a pre-wedding event in these circumstances. But after just feels normal to me.

JacklynHyde

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2017, 09:06:10 PM »
We are still friends.  The only thing I can think of is that I was a last-minute invite to the party because I knew most of the other ladies and they talked about it in my presence.  I got a "Team Bride" pin and everything the night of the festivities, even rescued the party when one stop was ruined by a bar fight (seriously), and so was rather surprised when I found out I wasn't getting an invitation to the wedding itself.

gellchom

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2017, 12:01:35 AM »


They want to celebrate their son's marriage with their friends, and they know that their friends want that, too.  But the hosts of the weddings, whether the HC themselves or the other family, isn't letting them invite their friends to the wedding.  So what else can they do?



Accept the fact that they don't always get what they want?  I know that sounds snarky and I don't mean it to be, I just couldn't think of another way to say it.  It's not like they have no choice.  They could just choose to respect the couple's decision not to invite their parents's friends.

In many cases, I'd agree. But it's not always an accurate assumption that giving a party is thwarting the HC''s wishes.  They may be fine with it or even delighted.  It might even be their idea. 

In the case of the parties to which I'm invited, knowing the families, I'm pretty sure that in each case they all decided together, possibly at the same time they decided how to do the weddings.

lowspark

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2017, 10:19:54 AM »
It was a faux pas, but I'm guessing that she didn't realize what she had done. Maybe she thought, Well, I can't invite JacklynHyde to the wedding (for whatever reason, space? money? whatever) but maybe I can include her in the bachelorette party so she can still help me celebrate.

I was once invited to a bridal shower and then not to the wedding. I had become friends with the bride and got invited to the shower and I went and I gave a gift. Then no invitation... oh well. The bride was not from the US and I don't think she had a grasp of the etiquette, plus they got married in another state so I am fairly certain I would not have gone so no big deal. I'm sure her heart was in the right place.
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Winterlight

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Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #14 on: June 14, 2017, 01:08:36 PM »
If you're inviting people to a wedding based occasion where they're going to spend money on you, then I feel they should be invited to the wedding. I would exempt work showers, but otherwise, you are telling people that you want their presents but not their presence.

In just the last few days, we have been invited to two pre-wedding brunches and one dinner for couples whose weddings we will not (maybe one) be invited to.  None of them is a shower.  I don't think that any of the invitations said "engagement party" or any other name, just something like "brunch in honor of" or "pre-nuptial celebration."

Ordinarily, being invited to a pre-wedding event (except for things like office showers) when I'm not to be invited to the wedding puts me off, too.  But this time it feels right.

See, this would be fine by me because it's basically the equivalent of hosting a reception after the wedding for people who couldn't attend. You aren't being asked to bring a gift, either, though you might choose to or to send one later.
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