News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • June 24, 2017, 07:10:30 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Love you for one party, but not THE party!  (Read 1151 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3564
Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #15 on: June 14, 2017, 02:13:33 PM »
So now I'm thinking about the one of those three pre-wedding parties we are invited to where the wedding itself is not a tiny, private event or a distant celebration; it's a medium or big wedding in a city about 2 hours from here. 

As I said, I'm not sure whether we will also be invited to the wedding.  I'm guessing not; I think probably that's why they (the groom's parents) are giving this party -- it's not like the wedding would be prohibitively inconvenient for their friends here.

So I have to admit that this one does feel kind of like a B list party to me.  I don't mind that for us; we are friends but not close, first-inner-circle friends.  And I sure do know how it is when you have to draw the line someplace! IIRC, they weren't invited to our children's weddings, both of which were here in our city.  It was nice of them to include us at all now (and as I said, there is a small chance we will end up being invited to the wedding).

My question now is about a gift.  The polite assumption is that this is not intended as a gift-giving event.  So that means we aren't in a should-gift situation, if we don't end up invited to the wedding (I know gifts are always voluntary, but you know what I mean).

Now, I know that I should just do whatever we want to do: send the HC a gift if we choose to, even if we aren't invited to the wedding, because, as I wrote above, the gift is for the marriage, not the wedding, and certainly not as payment for the invitation.  That's probably what we will do.

But I do have to admit, here among the ehellions, that it really does feel different to me.  I feel like sending something smaller than I would have had we been invited to the wedding -- because it feels like a B list situation, even though I don't mind being a B lister for this.  I don't feel that way about the parties for the other HCs who are having truly private weddings far away to which none of their parents' friends can be invited. 

I think the difference is that in this case, it's clear that the party-only guests are not considered inner-circle.  Not that I expect to be!  You can't be everyone's best friend.  But it sort of feels like my response as a guest is commensurate with the message sent from the hosts, too, you know?

I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but I admit I kind of feel like this:

- Not invited to anything: just an expression of good wishes; maybe a charitable contribution
- Invited to wedding: Regular size -- "$X" --wedding gift
- Invited only to some other party where that is the only thing to which I could be invited: same as above, $X gift
- Invited only to some other party where I could have been invited to the wedding, too:  .... That's what I'm wrestling with!

I guess I can simply wait until the time when the wedding invitations would have gone to see whether we are definitely not invited before choosing a gift.  I'm sure that if we are not, I will end up sending the same size gift I would have if we were invited to the wedding.  I'm just saying that I recognize that it does feel different.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2017, 02:27:12 PM by gellchom »

gellchom

  • Member
  • Posts: 3564
Re: Love you for one party, but not THE party!
« Reply #16 on: June 14, 2017, 02:26:06 PM »
We had a string on pretty much this topic a while ago:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139717.0