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Author Topic: How to Uninvite?  (Read 2960 times)

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Redneck Gravy

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How to Uninvite?
« on: June 12, 2017, 11:18:11 AM »
I have seen threads and posts here where it is suggested that someone be uninvited - how exactly would you do that?

There is a thread right now about someone adding an uninvited guest to a wedding invitation, someone suggested the doofus be uninvited, but how would you do that?  Call them, send them an uninvitation?  Maybe a written note that says, upon further reflection we would prefer you not attend?


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Re: How to Uninvite?
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2017, 11:26:17 AM »
The first step, I think, is to recognize that it is unlikely to go over well.  Once you accept that, I think it is a phone or live conversation, not an email or text.  I'd say that due to recent events, you think it would be best if the person didn't attend such and such event.  Perhaps after everything has cooled down, you could reevaluate socializing together.


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Re: How to Uninvite?
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2017, 12:53:47 PM »
This came up on the Dear Prudence podcast recently too. I don't think there is a good or easy way to uninvited someone. I think I'd go for a conversation, in person if possible, about the issue that was making me think about disinviting them. I think then I would say, "given our differences and the timing, I feel it might be better if you didn't attend my wedding, and that we continue to try to improve our relationship. At this point, I'm afraid the heightened emotional landscape of a wedding would just be too painful."
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Re: How to Uninvite?
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2017, 02:21:46 PM »
If you have a nasty enough argument with someone, you may decide that you want to disinvite them. However, it will probably end the relationship. No matter how you word it, they probably will be upset. I would only do it over something serious. It would also be good to give a couple of days' thought to it before making the decision.


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Re: How to Uninvite?
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2017, 02:50:08 PM »
I agree that it would likely end the relationship.  I disagree with some others about the method. I think text or email is the way to go here, unless you know for a fact that the other person uses neither of those things.  I am not going to ask someone out to lunch who I never want to see again, to tell them that they are no longer welcome at my wedding.  How awkward for BOTH parties.  Text is much less awkward and allows the other person to react in private before they respond.


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Re: How to Uninvite?
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2017, 04:46:20 PM »
I have seen that situation handled by the event being cancelled with a note to everyone that it was being rescheduled due to something serious (hospitalization of one of the HC or a death in the family that impacted the HC - parents, sibling, or other very close family member).

The rescheduling was done for a much smaller wedding...immediate family only, as I recall.  The other people were sent announcements after the wedding, with a note that "due to the *really serious situation* the wedding was changed to immediate family only).  I don't remember if the smaller wedding was at a JOP's office or moved to a smaller church/chapel.

It was not my immediate family - so I had no heartburn with the situation, under the circumstances.  But I would understand if some of the "uninvited guests" took it *personally* - they'd be SS, but then, there are always people who take everything that happens in the entire world as personally directed against them. 
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Tea Drinker

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Re: How to Uninvite?
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2017, 05:23:37 PM »
In the example you're pointing to, I can't see it going well, but that's partly because the now-unwanted guest was acting so entitled in the first place. In that case, a person might try "since you're not happy with the hospitality you're offering, we think it would be best if you don't come." That is, make it clear that their own actions are responsible.

If you're not prepared to either say "hey, you did X inappropriate thing" or "look, this is awkward, but we don't want you there because Y," there's probably no way to avoid a rift. The only "this is awkward" I can see working would be something like "you'll always be family to me, because I like you and you're my nieces' father, but I don't think you and my sister should be at the same event right now" for a recent break-up. If someone did something inappropriate enough that you want nothing to do with them, but they aren't bowing out on their own, bluntness is probably necessary.

I'm thinking about things in a range from "you got drunk and insulted Grandma last Thanksgiving" to having been convicted of a serious crime but not yet imprisoned. Without getting into politics here, just about everyone can think of some crimes that would have them saying "yes, so-and-so is still family, but that doesn't mean we're prepared to spend time around them" or "we were friends for a long time, and I don't know what caused her to do that, but obviously I can't be her friend after that." If you're saying "I am cutting you out of my life" you should be prepared to send a letter/email/what-have-you telling them that they're no longer welcome at a wedding.)
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