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  • June 24, 2017, 07:07:54 AM

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Author Topic: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?  (Read 845 times)

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goldilocks

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What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« on: June 12, 2017, 12:43:03 PM »
DH's niece is getting married in a few weeks, very fancy event.   My SIL is desperate to get an accurate count because the cost per plate is very expensive.  Not that this matters - people should RSVP no matter what.   I'm just adding that to give some context.

Anyway - she calls me about my stepdaughter who hasn't responded.   I texted stepDD (only way to get hold of her!) and she replied that she didn't know, it depended on her work schedule, etc etc. 

I told my SIL that and she was not happy.   Should SIL just remove her from the guest list?   What do you do with this situation?

All the more annoying because StepDD just got married herself and knows how important RSVPs are.


rose red

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2017, 12:54:15 PM »
I assume there's a due date on the RSVP. If it's not answered on the due date, count it as a no. Weddings are stressful enough without playing these games. Actions (or non-action in this case) have consequences.

lmyrs

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2017, 01:10:03 PM »
When is the event? When is the RSVP due?

If the date has not passed, then your Step Daughter is in the clear.

If the date has passed, text your step daughter and say, "You know they need a count. I'm going to tell SIL to put you down as a no."


Zizi-K

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2017, 01:12:44 PM »
When is the event? When is the RSVP due?

If the date has not passed, then your Step Daughter is in the clear.

If the date has passed, text your step daughter and say, "You know they need a count. I'm going to tell SIL to put you down as a no."

I don't think that's for the OP to do. Why can't the bride say the same thing? I'm not sure why the OP has to insert herself.

lmyrs

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2017, 01:18:14 PM »
Well the OP is already in the middle of it. If she didn't want to be, she could have given SIL, the cell number and told her to text step daughter. She can still do that if she wants. But, it's disingenuous to claim that she hasn't already inserted herself.

miranova

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2017, 02:41:47 PM »
You helped by sending the text,and I would probably have done the same, but beyond that, I would be out.  It's not your responsibility to police your adult stepdaughter, even if SIL is annoyed.  SIL has every right to be annoyed, but that's between her and your SD, and whatever she does about it is now her choice.  This just isn't your problem to solve.  If you are asking what the bride should do, in her place with the info she now has, I would text SD directly and say something like "we need to get a number to the caterer by X date.  I hope you can attend, but if I don't hear from you by then, I will need to put you down as a no". 

GreenBird

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2017, 03:40:40 PM »
Really the next step is for them to talk directly to each other, and for you to be out of it.  I'd tell stepdaughter that she needs to contact the bride directly and tell her the status of her RSVP.  And I'd tell the bride that text is the only way to reliably get hold of stepdaughter.  If they don't have each others' phone numbers, I would probably go ahead and give stepdaughter's number to the bride if that's the only way to reach her.  (Normally I wouldn't give out someone else's number, but these people need to talk directly to each other and without the number, they apparently can't.)

Mustard

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2017, 04:04:48 PM »
If your stepdaughter is old enough to be working, she's old enough to take care of her own social obligations.  If she hasn't responded to the invitation by the date required that's her decision.  If the date for the RSVP hasn't yet been reached, your SIL should sit on her hands and wait. In other words, not your problem!

Susiqzer

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2017, 11:25:46 AM »
This happened to us while we were planning our wedding. One of DH's friends just Would. Not. Respond.

I finally left a voicemail for him and said that I was sorry he wasn't able to make it, and we'd catch him the next time he was in town. That spurred him to action, as apparently he'd already booked flights to attend!


Hmmmmm

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2017, 11:40:28 AM »
DH's niece is getting married in a few weeks, very fancy event.   My SIL is desperate to get an accurate count because the cost per plate is very expensive.  Not that this matters - people should RSVP no matter what.   I'm just adding that to give some context.

Anyway - she calls me about my stepdaughter who hasn't responded.   I texted stepDD (only way to get hold of her!) and she replied that she didn't know, it depended on her work schedule, etc etc. 

I told my SIL that and she was not happy.   Should SIL just remove her from the guest list?   What do you do with this situation?

All the more annoying because StepDD just got married herself and knows how important RSVPs are.

In this situation I would remind StepDD of the RSVP required date, inform her that if by that date she can't get commitment from her  that she will have the time off, then she should send her regrets.

I understand that some people work in places where getting commitment for specific days off is difficult. But they should not hold others hostage to their companies poor practices.

Zizi-K

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2017, 12:01:40 PM »
DH's niece is getting married in a few weeks, very fancy event.   My SIL is desperate to get an accurate count because the cost per plate is very expensive.  Not that this matters - people should RSVP no matter what.   I'm just adding that to give some context.

Anyway - she calls me about my stepdaughter who hasn't responded.   I texted stepDD (only way to get hold of her!) and she replied that she didn't know, it depended on her work schedule, etc etc. 

I told my SIL that and she was not happy.   Should SIL just remove her from the guest list?   What do you do with this situation?

All the more annoying because StepDD just got married herself and knows how important RSVPs are.

In this situation I would remind StepDD of the RSVP required date, inform her that if by that date she can't get commitment from her  that she will have the time off, then she should send her regrets.

I understand that some people work in places where getting commitment for specific days off is difficult. But they should not hold others hostage to their companies poor practices.


At the very least, people in these situations can be proactive and apologetically explain that situation to the couple/bride. If it's a buffet (for example) and the couple can accommodate the person last minute, great, they can offer that. Or, if its plated and numbers need to be well in advance, the couple can say, "that's too bad, let's get together after the wedding."

What doesn't work is to simply not respond and then show up on the day-of expecting there to be a place for you! Who does that?

Kaypeep

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2017, 12:09:02 PM »
This happened to us while we were planning our wedding. One of DH's friends just Would. Not. Respond.

I finally left a voicemail for him and said that I was sorry he wasn't able to make it, and we'd catch him the next time he was in town. That spurred him to action, as apparently he'd already booked flights to attend!

I'd go this route and tell the Bride (or bride's mom) to leave a message like this if DD is beyond the RSVP date.   If she hasn't replied YES at this point it's too late.   If she can't get an answer re: work then she has to take a pass.  It's rude to hold up the hosts like this. 

rose red

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2017, 12:49:54 PM »
Another thing to worry about: is she the type to say yes if pressured to give an answer (hoping to work it out later), and then not show up if her schedule won't work out after all?

Sophia

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2017, 12:54:05 PM »
I would text stepdaughter that Maybes are a No, and that you will RSVP No for her.   Then I would contact the host and say that stepdaughter is flaky, to put her down as a No.   

Outdoor Girl

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Re: What if someone just won't RSVP - either way?
« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2017, 01:01:42 PM »
This happened to us while we were planning our wedding. One of DH's friends just Would. Not. Respond.

I finally left a voicemail for him and said that I was sorry he wasn't able to make it, and we'd catch him the next time he was in town. That spurred him to action, as apparently he'd already booked flights to attend!

I am filing this away for future reference...

In the OP's case, I would put SIL directly in touch with SDD and let them work it out.

If SDD won't know what her schedule is going to be until after the RSVP date, the correct thing to do is to communicate that to SIL and ask if it is possible to respond as soon as SDD knows.  And if not, give her regrets.
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