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  • November 20, 2017, 03:25:06 PM

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Author Topic: "Our guests will grill their dinners"  (Read 4845 times)

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TeamBhakta

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #15 on: June 15, 2017, 11:49:18 PM »
Quote

Honestly, I doubt many (if any) venues would allow this for many reasons, not the least of them being liability and insurance - which means that it would have to be on someone's private property (think, backyard wedding), or you book park space (which for every bookable park I've seen in the US, means a couple or maybe 4 little bitty heavily-used grills that someone will have to clean off before the guests start cooking.

Per the wedding site, it's going to be a backyard wedding. Also, I misread how many grills the bride wants to provide; apparently it's supposed to be just one long grill instead of multiple grills.

MariaE

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2017, 01:23:45 AM »
I really don't see how this could be considered rude. Not thought through properly perhaps, but there's nothing inherently rude about inviting people to a backyard BBQ.

... but perhaps that's just my kiwi roots showing.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

sammycat

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2017, 01:28:14 AM »
I really don't see how this could be considered rude. Not thought through properly perhaps, but there's nothing inherently rude about inviting people to a backyard BBQ.

... but perhaps that's just my kiwi roots showing.

I have kiwi roots too, and I love going to (backyard) BBQs.  But not under these circumstances.

I love BBQs - so long as I'm not the one doing the actual cooking.  I prefer to leave the spitting BBQ to DH or DS.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2017, 01:29:46 AM by sammycat »

sammycat

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #18 on: June 16, 2017, 01:31:24 AM »
I saw this topic on a wedding site. Tell me what you guys think: the bride in question doesn't want her guests to simply eat, sit with their usual friends & then leave. She was asking if it would be a good idea to provide meat, grills a long grill & thermometers so the guests could all grill their food. Her hope was that people would mingle around the grilling area & socialize because they were all cooking. Other foods + games are to be provided as well. Is it rude to expect wedding guests to cook their own reception dinners ? Is it rude for a guest to quietly decide "I did not come here to cook. I'm leaving early" ?

*edited to correct the amount of grills

If I knew about it in advance I would decline the invitation, even if it meant rescinding a previous 'yes' RSVP.  I've never used a food thermometer in my life, and I wouldn't want to have to start at an event like this.  I don't know what sort of games you'd play at a wedding, but I wouldn't be taking part.

What would really end up happening is that a handful of people would end up cooking for everyone and they'd miss out on the bulk of the eating time (and possibly other food) and socialising,  whilst the remainder would socialise in their own normal groups

What's wrong with sitting/socialising with just your usual friends?  Just because a whole bunch of people are thrown together for a few hours it doesn't mean we all have to socialise with each other and/or become BFFs.  The best weddings I've been to are the ones where I was able to sit with friends and/or relatives I knew.  The worst were the ones when we didn't know anyone and had to try and mingle with strangers who already had their own usual friend/relative groups.

EllenS

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #19 on: June 16, 2017, 04:05:39 AM »
A backyard bbq wedding can be really nice, and having lawn games available could be fun, too.

But I can't think of a wedding I've ever been to where every single adult guest had complete mobility and full sight/hearing, whether due to age or a disability. So it's not just that the guests are cooking for themselves, but somebody's got to make sure Grandma and Cousin Jim get fed. There are quite a lot of people who can navigate life independently and don't need a caretaker, but would not be able to cook on a grill, especially in a crowd. If you don't normally need your family to be responsible for feeding you, that's not a nice situation to be put in.

Perhaps the bride isn't inviting anyone with any impairments, but it's something a host should generally consider when planning a big family event. Rude? No. But possibly inconsiderate or exclusionary, depending on the guest list. And I don't think it would be rude at all for a guest to show up, greet people, and quietly leave early because they wanted to eat food that was reasonably safe and accessible.

It's good that she was brainstorming. I wonder what she decided to do? I think something like a dessert bar with build your own toppings, or just a variety of low-key outdoor games like beanbag toss or lawn chess could encourage mingling without having to deal with crowd + fire + raw meat, etc.

Things don't have to be outright rude to be a bad idea.

MariaE

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #20 on: June 16, 2017, 05:18:47 AM »
I really don't see how this could be considered rude. Not thought through properly perhaps, but there's nothing inherently rude about inviting people to a backyard BBQ.

... but perhaps that's just my kiwi roots showing.

I have kiwi roots too, and I love going to (backyard) BBQs.  But not under these circumstances.

I love BBQs - so long as I'm not the one doing the actual cooking.  I prefer to leave the spitting BBQ to DH or DS.

Oh, I'm not saying I'd want to go to a wedding BBQ -- I'm just saying I don't think it's rude from an etiquette point of view.
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Zizi-K

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #21 on: June 16, 2017, 07:37:34 AM »
I think it's a terrible idea!

I went to a regular backyard BBQ some years back. It was a potluck that involved the host providing all the sides, while guests were instructed to bring their own meat to grill (and hence had to grill it ourselves). It wasn't relaxing at all, nor was it an opportunity for socializing. People were nervously crowded around a too-small grill, and with too few utensils so someone was always looking for a pair of tons or a spatula to flip their thing that was about to burn, etc.

I also really disliked that we were all eating different food. Some people brought sausages, others steak or fancy fish. I really feel that communal eating involves everyone eating the same thing (or eating from the same set of choices), absent deviations for dietary restrictions. (I realize for this wedding scenario this would not be the case.)

lowspark

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #22 on: June 16, 2017, 08:47:25 AM »
Let's throw out the wedding part and just consider a backyard BBQ party for no special occasion. Would I be thrilled to cook my own steak? The answer is no.

A friend used to have several pool parties over the summer where it was "Bring a side dish to share and BYO meat to grill if you want to". Out of an average of 30 people, about 5 would actually grill. Everyone else, including me, would feast on the side dishes (there was always plenty of food). This worked quite well because it was sort of grill-optional and as I said, lots of other food.

If the steak was the main dish, and there weren't other substantial sides provided, in other words, grill your steak or go hungry, it would be terrible.

For my friend's BBQ/pool party, they were inviting about 30 people and having it about every 2 weeks so it was totally cool for it to be a pot luck with the opportunity to grill if you want to. But for a wedding? I would really want it to be fully hosted, regardless of whether they are providing cake and punch or appetizers only or a full meal or whatever.

Asking your guests to do their own cooking, no matter how "fun" or "different" it might seem, is not fully hosting and is inappropriate for a wedding in my opinion.

So is it rude? I would call it rude because the way I see it, it's sort of on the same level as a potluck.
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nutraxfornerves

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #23 on: June 16, 2017, 09:00:12 AM »
Quote
Per the wedding site, it's going to be a backyard wedding. Also, I misread how many grills the bride wants to provide; apparently it's supposed to be just one long grill instead of multiple grills.

If the whole wedding is in the backyard, then it becomes even less attractive to me. If the grill is charcoal, it must be started well in advance, so people will be smelling it during the ceremony.

Whether it is charcoal or gas, someone has to start it, keep an eye on it to be sure it is working properly and safely, and replenish fuel as needed. Who will do this? If it is caterers, they might as well cook the food as well. If they cook the food to order, then guests could chat while waiting, but there are crowd control issues.

Are they expecting that all the guests will be cooking at the same time? What if my steak is done 10 minutes before my dining companions chicken? Do I start eating alone?

Nutrax
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mime

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #24 on: June 16, 2017, 09:10:29 AM »
I guess I wouldn't call it 'rude' as in impolite or poor-mannered. That's assuming the casual nature of the party is fully-disclosed beforehand, and assuming the HC intentions really are to get guests to mingle and have a good time (rather than not having to pay for the proper help).

It fails everywhere else, though. I hope that when they fully think it through that they see all the pitfalls. Unless it is a small wedding filled with only able-bodied adults who are at least somewhat competent at grilling and really on board with the community grill idea, there will be people bailing out early because it just doesn't work for them.

I also agree that it won't achieve the desired result-- I picture little clusters of 8-ish people hanging out in groups while two people from their group do all the grilling for them and bring it back to the table. Everyone will still socialize only with each other, and with the 'tasks' at hand, they will be less free to mingle.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a guest bowing out if they see that the party is not do-able for them. Parents with little kids, anyone with mobility problems, a vegan who can't find a veggie-only section of grill, will all have problems here and shouldn't have to stay if they don't want to. Hopefully, they know beforehand so they can RSVP "no" right away.

If this couples' intentions are really to make sure the guests have a great time while doing something really unique, I do hope they find something that works for everyone. It seems like there are ideas out there that could lead to a really memorable event... in a good way!






Harriet Jones

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #25 on: June 16, 2017, 09:18:06 AM »
I think they'd be better off having a few people in charge of the grill, rather than expecting everyone to cook their own.   Around the grill is not the best place to socialize.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #26 on: June 16, 2017, 09:19:59 AM »
I think they'd be better off having a few people in charge of the grill, rather than expecting everyone to cook their own.   Around the grill is not the best place to socialize.
  Agreed.

I have been to events where it is bring a side dish to share and your own meat, someone else did the grilling.  If I have to stand up there and grill my own steak, no thank you.

I wonder what the plan is for non meat eating attendees?  Not that they couldn't grill corn/asparagus/veggie packs, etc., but what non meat eating attendee is going to want to share the grill with other meats? 

I vote not rude if it's well known before the event.  I wouldn't do it but I am more of a straight, boring traditionalist. 

wolfie

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #27 on: June 16, 2017, 09:20:44 AM »
If it's a super casual sundress and shorts wedding, sure. If you expect formal wear (or business casual or whatever) then no. Guests should not be cooking in heels and a fancy dress.

Even if I'm in casual clothes, my fine, wavy, shoulder length hair would have been "done" for this event -- blown out and curled a bit. My makeup would be done with a bit more effort and I'd likely be wearing false lashes. I could see grilling wrecking my hair and me ending up with melted lashes or one sliding right off onto the grill.

I mean, some of that would be a problem at any outdoor event (as someone with very fine hair who just spent 4 days in 97+ degrees with humidity). If you knew in advance that it was a grilling party, I presume you would adjust the fake lashes accordingly.

I would. Which is why I said in my first response that I'd want to know in advance, I'd prep and dress accordingly. I still wouldn't like it, being prepared would make it a little better.

I read these ideas that brides have and think "For crying out loud, isn't there a matriarch in this family willing to say, 'This is a horrid idea?!' "

I don't know of anyone who actually considers anyone in their family a matriarch or a patriarch. But I do think someone should tell the couple why this is a bad idea. I don't think it is rude, but I don't think it will have the effect they are hoping for.

Hmmmmm

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #28 on: June 16, 2017, 09:29:31 AM »
I'm going to give the bride the benefit of the doubt and assume she would plan
-to have adequate grilling space for each guest to be accommodated
-that she wouldn't be offering proteins that take long periods of time to cook so no more than a few minutes needed at the grill
-and that she would have staff available to assist those wishing to grill or doing the grilling for people uninterested in grilling their own food.

But even with assuming all of that, I still think it's probably a bad idea because so many people do not like to participate in food preparation for multiple reasons. I'd be the odd one who would enjoy it as an interactive activity at a wedding but I would expect a good portion of people would be relying on the already cooked items or wanting the assistance from the staff or another friend/family member attending with them.


TurtleDove

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Re: "Our guests will grill their dinners"
« Reply #29 on: June 16, 2017, 09:39:40 AM »
I wouldn't say this is rude, but I think it is a horrible idea. If I were invited to such an event, and I cared about the HC, I would probably attend and just not cook or eat anything and stay far away from the barbeque. I have less than zero desire to barbeque anything ever, let alone when I am dressed up and wanting to socialize. I feel the same way about campfires. I cannot stand them! The smoke makes my eyes sting and causes me to become congested, I inevitably get covered in insect bites that create welts and scars and keep me up itching at night for weeks, and everything smells (including my hair) and has to be immediately washed or I feel sick. I almost always decline "campfire" events because it's not even that I don't *enjoy* them, it is that I actively *abhor* them.

Different people enjoy different things, so to have the reception the HC wants is not rude. They just need to accept that not everyone is going to enjoy what they enjoy.