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  • November 21, 2017, 02:35:33 AM

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Author Topic: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)  (Read 1709 times)

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Redneck Gravy

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Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« on: July 05, 2017, 04:13:53 PM »
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/07/dear_prudence_my_nice_neighbors_think_halloween_is_devil_worshipping.html?wpsrc=prudence_newsletter&sid=57976b391e56036a2a8b4899

2nd letter- wanting to limit the guest list by not inviting all the co workers in a small hair salon to their wedding. 

If it's that small, then it's fifteen plus spouses and I think they need to rethink their guest list.  In a hair salon that small, they need to invite everyone there.  Just ouch, that is going to be hurtful to someone.   Maybe invite all the coworkers and do not make it a plus one to save money?  I don't know this just gives me a bad vibe.

I understand keeping the guest list to your comfort and affordable level, but really if the bride/groom have been at this hair salon for any length of time they just need to figure out a way to invite all their coworkers and so's/spouses. 

I think Prudence may have blown it.  It isn't the 4th grade, it is the people you share one third of your life with almost every day. 

mime

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2017, 05:25:58 PM »
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/07/dear_prudence_my_nice_neighbors_think_halloween_is_devil_worshipping.html?wpsrc=prudence_newsletter&sid=57976b391e56036a2a8b4899

2nd letter- wanting to limit the guest list by not inviting all the co workers in a small hair salon to their wedding. 

If it's that small, then it's fifteen plus spouses and I think they need to rethink their guest list.  In a hair salon that small, they need to invite everyone there.  Just ouch, that is going to be hurtful to someone.   Maybe invite all the coworkers and do not make it a plus one to save money?  I don't know this just gives me a bad vibe.

I understand keeping the guest list to your comfort and affordable level, but really if the bride/groom have been at this hair salon for any length of time they just need to figure out a way to invite all their coworkers and so's/spouses. 

I think Prudence may have blown it.  It isn't the 4th grade, it is the people you share one third of your life with almost every day.

My wedding had just under 100 people, including myself and DH. Adding just 15 people to the guest list would have been huge!

I don't work at a small company by any means, but my department has been anywhere from 10-20 people and very close-knit, and it is very common for a coworker to just invite the 1 or 2 people that he/she is close to for the wedding. Nobody gives it a second thought because we all know how the guest list can grow out of control if you feel like you need to invite everyone from one category.

I'm in favor of seeing if there's a natural line to draw, like seeing if there are 2 or 3 coworkers that they actually socialize with outside of work. If it is hard to narrow down (or if their natural solution ends up excluding only one or two people), then consider not inviting the whole category. I took that route with a few groups of people to keep the size where we were comfortable.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2017, 05:46:09 PM »
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2017/07/dear_prudence_my_nice_neighbors_think_halloween_is_devil_worshipping.html?wpsrc=prudence_newsletter&sid=57976b391e56036a2a8b4899

2nd letter- wanting to limit the guest list by not inviting all the co workers in a small hair salon to their wedding. 

If it's that small, then it's fifteen plus spouses and I think they need to rethink their guest list.  In a hair salon that small, they need to invite everyone there.  Just ouch, that is going to be hurtful to someone.   Maybe invite all the coworkers and do not make it a plus one to save money?  I don't know this just gives me a bad vibe.

I understand keeping the guest list to your comfort and affordable level, but really if the bride/groom have been at this hair salon for any length of time they just need to figure out a way to invite all their coworkers and so's/spouses. 

I think Prudence may have blown it.  It isn't the 4th grade, it is the people you share one third of your life with almost every day.

My wedding had just under 100 people, including myself and DH. Adding just 15 people to the guest list would have been huge!

I don't work at a small company by any means, but my department has been anywhere from 10-20 people and very close-knit, and it is very common for a coworker to just invite the 1 or 2 people that he/she is close to for the wedding. Nobody gives it a second thought because we all know how the guest list can grow out of control if you feel like you need to invite everyone from one category.

I'm in favor of seeing if there's a natural line to draw, like seeing if there are 2 or 3 coworkers that they actually socialize with outside of work. If it is hard to narrow down (or if their natural solution ends up excluding only one or two people), then consider not inviting the whole category. I took that route with a few groups of people to keep the size where we were comfortable.

Yes, I agree with mime. If I don't socialize with a co-worker outside of work, then I would not expect an invite to their wedding. I'd still happily participate in an "office" shower because I think it's nice to acknowledge these life events of co-workers. But I probably wouldn't feel excited about giving up a weekend evening and attending the wedding of someone I know only professionally.

I think the rule is you just shouldn't invite 18 of the 20 co-workers and exclude 2. I would think a "small" salon would have less than 30 employees, so it sounds like she wouldn't be inviting more than half of her co-workers.


Dazi

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2017, 06:08:33 PM »
I happen to agree with Prudie. This isn't grade school where you have to invite the whole class, this is work. I didn't invite all of my coworkers to my wedding, I only invited those I was friends with outside of work. If memory serves, my entire guest list was 65 or so, 55 showed. Adding 15 additional couples would have put me WAY over budget.
Meditate. Live purely. Quiet the mind. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine. ---Gautama Buddah





Cali.in.UK

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2017, 06:13:50 PM »
I actually wrote a thread about a similar problem for my own wedding, because there were like 2-3 coworkers I wanted to invite but I didn't want to deal with the fallout of other people being offended for not being invited and we could not accommodate 30 extra people so in the end I decided against inviting anyone.

Kiwipinball

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2017, 06:15:44 PM »
I agree that how the numbers break down makes a big difference. Inviting 5 of 20 seems fine to me (now if some of the 15 are likely to be offended, you'd need to weigh how worth it that is, but I think you're fine). Inviting 5 of 6? Not cool IMO. Same with 18 or 20 or something like that.

lakey

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2017, 12:45:48 AM »
Quote
I agree that how the numbers break down makes a big difference. Inviting 5 of 20 seems fine to me (now if some of the 15 are likely to be offended, you'd need to weigh how worth it that is, but I think you're fine). Inviting 5 of 6? Not cool IMO. Same with 18 or 20 or something like that.

I agree with this. I worked at a small school. The full time staff would have been in the neighborhood of 15-20. You would have groups of 3 or 4 staff members who were pretty good friends. If a person had gotten married and invited the 3 other staff members that they were good friends with, but not the rest of the staff, no one would have thought anything of it. It was never expected that the entire staff would be invited, because that could be a considerable expense.

MariaE

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2017, 01:53:22 AM »
I agree that how the numbers break down makes a big difference. Inviting 5 of 20 seems fine to me (now if some of the 15 are likely to be offended, you'd need to weigh how worth it that is, but I think you're fine). Inviting 5 of 6? Not cool IMO. Same with 18 or 20 or something like that.

I agree with this. It's the difference between "inviting your closest friends" and "leaving  a select few out".

But assuming it's closer to the former than the latter, I completely agree with Prudie.
 
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Redneck Gravy

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2017, 08:49:42 AM »
This has been an eye opening thread to me...at the time my DH and I married we invited everyone in our department because we did not want any hurt feelings.  For our department at that time it was eight plus so's and spouses.  We had over 100 invited to our wedding and our reception was cake and punch, so for us, at worst case, an additional sixteen slices of cake and cups of punch.  I can see where it would be a huge difference for a meal.

But more to my interest in this was the "small salon" and it being a more intimate work environment in my mind.  In a department at a larger company I can see a few being invited because you socialize with them outside of work but for a hair salon it just seemed a different concept (culture) to me. KWIM?

My idea of a small hair salon was around five to eight too, so that may be coloring my view of things. I also thought about the mistake of inviting 12 of 15 as Kiwipinball said, it's how the numbers break down.   

Thanks everyone.     

gellchom

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2017, 09:56:42 AM »
I agree with the majority that the proportions are the most important thing. Inviting one or two out of a large group is fine – although everyone has to be very careful not to discuss it in front of any of the others; inviting even close to half out of a small group starts getting unkind and risky and frankly liable to give her more stress than it's worth.

 I also agree that the culture of a salon is very different from that of most other workplaces, and that could make a big difference, too.  I would look to see whether anyone else there has faced this issue in the past and what they did about it and how it worked out.

Sometimes this problem kind of solves itself. If you do invite everyone in a group, those who are not really close with you actually probably aren't that likely to be keen on giving up a chunk of the weekend and buying an expensive present and most will decline. If they do want to come, then it probably means that they actually are fond of you, and then you are more likely to be glad that you invited them.

Winterlight

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2017, 01:41:47 PM »
I'm voting with the majority. If you're inviting two or three people, fine, but if you're inviting twelve and there are fifteen people working there, I think you're setting yourself up for hard feelings from those left out.
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NFPwife

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #11 on: July 06, 2017, 01:55:20 PM »
I agree with the majority that the proportions are the most important thing. Inviting one or two out of a large group is fine – although everyone has to be very careful not to discuss it in front of any of the others; inviting even close to half out of a small group starts getting unkind and risky and frankly liable to give her more stress than it's worth.

 I also agree that the culture of a salon is very different from that of most other workplaces, and that could make a big difference, too.  I would look to see whether anyone else there has faced this issue in the past and what they did about it and how it worked out.

Sometimes this problem kind of solves itself. If you do invite everyone in a group, those who are not really close with you actually probably aren't that likely to be keen on giving up a chunk of the weekend and buying an expensive present and most will decline. If they do want to come, then it probably means that they actually are fond of you, and then you are more likely to be glad that you invited them.

In general, I agree with Prudie, but gellchom has a good point that the culture of the salon is important to consider. If the norm is that others have invited the full salon each time, it's going to be hard not to include everyone. Not that it can't be done, it's just that the bride has to go back to work there when she gets back from the honeymoon.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Limiting invites (Dear Prudence 07/05/17)
« Reply #12 on: July 06, 2017, 03:30:18 PM »
I agree with the majority that the proportions are the most important thing. Inviting one or two out of a large group is fine – although everyone has to be very careful not to discuss it in front of any of the others; inviting even close to half out of a small group starts getting unkind and risky and frankly liable to give her more stress than it's worth.

 I also agree that the culture of a salon is very different from that of most other workplaces, and that could make a big difference, too.  I would look to see whether anyone else there has faced this issue in the past and what they did about it and how it worked out.

Sometimes this problem kind of solves itself. If you do invite everyone in a group, those who are not really close with you actually probably aren't that likely to be keen on giving up a chunk of the weekend and buying an expensive present and most will decline. If they do want to come, then it probably means that they actually are fond of you, and then you are more likely to be glad that you invited them.

In general, I agree with Prudie, but gellchom has a good point that the culture of the salon is important to consider. If the norm is that others have invited the full salon each time, it's going to be hard not to include everyone. Not that it can't be done, it's just that the bride has to go back to work there when she gets back from the honeymoon.

But what most of us said was that you should invite those that you socialize with outside of work. So if the norm is everyone is invited than there already is outside socialization.