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  • November 25, 2017, 12:02:11 AM

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Author Topic: Potluck ...mostly  (Read 2292 times)

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rainbowkitty

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Potluck ...mostly
« on: July 09, 2017, 10:12:36 AM »
Just received a wedding invitation to a family members wedding.  According to family (was told by an immediate family member), family all received an invitation stating a potluck wedding reception.  Friends just received an invitation to the reception (no mention of potluck) :o. Basically family is catering the wedding for the friends!  This is really rubbing me the wrong way.  Am I wrong to feel that if they want a potluck reception then everyone should be bringing something not just the family being forced to cater -- and what amount of food would be required.  Certainly wouldn't be your typical dish.  On top of that the family member thinks that dishes will be assigned by the bride!!  We HAVE to attend ..it is not an option to decline.  Just really find this off putting.

TeamBhakta

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2017, 10:38:01 AM »
That sounds very sneaky. I would decline to attend. But since declining is not an option, I would show up without bringing a potluck dish or a wedding gift. The caterers have gone on strike, oops  >:D

rose red

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2017, 11:02:01 AM »
Make your dish the wedding gift. Don't worry about the amount. Bring whatever you usually bring to a potluck, even if it's just a bag of chips or cookies made from a box. Or make the infamous jello mold with carrots >:D

If they're using family is doing the free catering (and doing so sneakily too!), they don't get to control the food. If the bride assigns the dishes, say the good old "Sorry, I'm afraid that won't be possible."

And while I used a joking tone with the suggestions above, I love all those foods (yes, even the jello) so it's not sabotage. Bring foods *you* like and usually bring even if it's not fancy schmancy. And again, that's your gift.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2017, 12:08:14 PM »
Honestly, if a wedding reception was going to be potluck, I would much prefer it be "catered" by family only and not drag friends into it. Sort of not airing the dirty laundry outside the family.

Since you believe declining is not an option (but in reality it is. You just have to be willing to deal with the consequences of your decision such as upset parent) then what you can do is control what you contribute since this is really rubbing you the wrong way. If someone tries to assign you a dish you are uncomfortable contributing, you can state "I'm sorry but that's not possible for me. How about I bring a tray of brownies (or contribute $20 toward the cost of ice or what ever you are comfortable with)". If you don't want to bring a potluck or contribute, then state that you aren't in the position to assist with the potluck and understand if they'd rather you not attend the reception.


sidi-ji

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2017, 12:11:31 PM »
Yes you are wrong.

   I am not okay with the "invitation" to you and your family members. To be clear I am not against a family catering a wedding. If all contributors are marching in step, great!

  This, though,  is you and others  simply being told to assume a portion of responsibility for the success of the wedding  reception, while having no input, and probably no thanks. (I have a foreboding that you guys are also in charge of setup and cleanup. I've become somewhat cynical, methinks.)

So it is clearly painful to you, a close family member. How much more burdensome for the friends?

  Call  the principals. The may have encountered financial difficulties.. In which case they should have submitted this plan to all who would reasonably be expected to  help cater the reception.  Those eager to help would be well aware before the invitations were printed. Such a  directive should never have appeared in the formal invitation.

  Again as to the notion of shifting the catering burden  on to non-family  guests,  to make it more fair--no!! That does not address the fundamental problem of anyone being voluntold.

Voluntelling makes even the most  fun occasion odious.
 

Mustard

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #5 on: July 09, 2017, 12:41:22 PM »
It would annoy me too.  So is the bride going to call and say that you are to bring your famous coleslaw (or whatever) and, oh, please make enough for 120 people? 

Oh Joy

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #6 on: July 09, 2017, 08:35:39 PM »
That's...interesting.  How is the potluck request worded on your invitation?

gellchom

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #7 on: July 09, 2017, 09:43:44 PM »
I agree that the real problem isn't that only family but not friends were asked -- oops, I mean, told -- to bring food.  In that situation, I probably wouldn't care about that; I might dislike that it's a potluck, but I wouldn't really care if I were part of the potluck team but others weren't. 

And I don't have a problem with family cooking the food for a wedding, especially if the HC/hosts are strapped. 

The problem is their being ordered to do so, not asked.  After all, if it's an appropriate situation for "family catering," then there should be no difficulty asking relatives to help (of course graciously accepting a no from those who don't want to do so).  If they do find it awkward to ask, then that's a sign it is not a good situation for it. 

I'd like to give these people the benefit of the doubt that they thought this was somehow nicer -- just to think of it as a potluck, but to keep it manageable by only having some, not all guests, bringing things -- than that they were trying to sneak it on anyone.

But it still seems like a poor idea to me.  I don't think a potluck is appropriate for a wedding, if only because it just is too hard to control.   Better to solve the problem some other way: e.g., assemble a group of willing people to cook, have something inexpensive like pizzas, or just not have the wedding at a mealtime.

Chez Miriam

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2017, 05:16:06 AM »
Make your dish the wedding gift. Don't worry about the amount. Bring whatever you usually bring to a potluck, even if it's just a bag of chips or cookies made from a box. Or make the infamous jello mold with carrots >:D

If they're using family is doing the free catering (and doing so sneakily too!), they don't get to control the food. If the bride assigns the dishes, say the good old "Sorry, I'm afraid that won't be possible."

And while I used a joking tone with the suggestions above, I love all those foods (yes, even the jello) so it's not sabotage. Bring foods *you* like and usually bring even if it's not fancy schmancy. And again, that's your gift.

Definitely this.

My husband has "given" the gift of his dinner suit (and all the rest) hire as a present when told what to wear to a birthday party  [he didn't say anything, just didn't bring a separate gift].  A person doesn't get to dictate someone else spends >50 on clothing and expect a physical gift too, in our book.

I'm another one who wonders how it is that you don't have the option of 'regrets'.

I totally agree with gellchom:

And I don't have a problem with family cooking the food for a wedding, especially if the HC/hosts are strapped. 

The problem is their being ordered to do so, not asked.  After all, if it's an appropriate situation for "family catering," then there should be no difficulty asking relatives to help (of course graciously accepting a no from those who don't want to do so).  If they do find it awkward to ask, then that's a sign it is not a good situation for it. 

Please do let us know the wording on the invite...  And the outcome!
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

iridaceae

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2017, 06:18:37 AM »
Woot! Sign up for desserts, buy 6 boxes of Lucky Charms cereal and you're golden!
Nothing to see here.

SamiHami

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2017, 12:11:22 PM »
Just received a wedding invitation to a family members wedding.  According to family (was told by an immediate family member), family all received an invitation stating a potluck wedding reception.  Friends just received an invitation to the reception (no mention of potluck) :o. Basically family is catering the wedding for the friends!  This is really rubbing me the wrong way.  Am I wrong to feel that if they want a potluck reception then everyone should be bringing something not just the family being forced to cater -- and what amount of food would be required.  Certainly wouldn't be your typical dish.  On top of that the family member thinks that dishes will be assigned by the bride!!  We HAVE to attend ..it is not an option to decline.  Just really find this off putting.

Why? What are they going to do if you don't attend? Declining is always an option. However, if you choose to go anyway, when you are contacted by the bride to tell you what your assignment is, I suggest saying something along the lines of, "Oh, I think you've made a mistake! I never agreed to cater your wedding for you and I won't be able to do so. But I look forward to it; I'm sure you will be a beautiful bride."

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

gellchom

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2017, 03:26:46 PM »
I don't like this, but I am not as horrified by it as others, I think.

Basically, what we have here is a potluck wedding reception. Not a good idea, in my opinion, but not unheard of or so outrageous or offensive that I would refuse to attend over it or make a critical or passive-aggressive response.   If I really didn't want to contribute any food, I would just say that I regret that I will be unable to bring a dish, but I look forward to attending. I would be very surprised if there would be a response telling me that if I did not bring food, I would not be welcome to attend (that would be outrageous!).  I might send a smaller gift, but on the other hand if I am inner circle enough to be part of the food committee, as it were, then it's probably somebody I want to get a gift for no matter how much I disliked this idea.

SamiHami

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2017, 11:04:37 AM »
I don't like this, but I am not as horrified by it as others, I think.

Basically, what we have here is a potluck wedding reception. Not a good idea, in my opinion, but not unheard of or so outrageous or offensive that I would refuse to attend over it or make a critical or passive-aggressive response.   If I really didn't want to contribute any food, I would just say that I regret that I will be unable to bring a dish, but I look forward to attending. I would be very surprised if there would be a response telling me that if I did not bring food, I would not be welcome to attend (that would be outrageous!).  I might send a smaller gift, but on the other hand if I am inner circle enough to be part of the food committee, as it were, then it's probably somebody I want to get a gift for no matter how much I disliked this idea.

I don't think the fact that it's a potluck that's the issue here. It's that family members are being told to bring food, not asked if they want to or are willing to. Also, that the bride apparently intends to assign dishes for people to make.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

goldilocks

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #13 on: July 12, 2017, 11:14:10 AM »
My niece had a very informal reception with pizza and sandwiches brought in.   It was very inexpensive (relatively speaking) and was also pretty darned good.

SamiHami

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Re: Potluck ...mostly
« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2017, 11:52:02 AM »
My niece had a very informal reception with pizza and sandwiches brought in.   It was very inexpensive (relatively speaking) and was also pretty darned good.

Yup, when I was young and poor, my DH and I have a mid afternoon reception (not over the lunch or dinner hour) and ordered a couple of food platters from Red Lobster (shrimp and crab claws...mmmm!), a couple of veggie trays and a couple of fruit trays to serve as heavy snacks for our guest. It wasn't nearly as expensive as hiring a catering and putting on a full meal. Everyone seemed happy enough, and we didn't break our budget.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!