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  • October 20, 2017, 11:39:54 AM

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Author Topic: Stop saying mean things about my friend-Boring update Pg2  (Read 8077 times)

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maksi

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #15 on: July 11, 2017, 11:08:15 AM »
"Do you remember when I told you that I will not get involved in anyone's love life, especially friends'? Because this is exactly why. Stop berating him to me." And if she continues: "I've already told you that I don't want to listen to this. Please stop." Aaaaand beandip.

She like an extremely exhausting person, especially by blaming you for not warning her like you were somehow responsible for their relationship.

Chez Miriam

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2017, 11:32:56 AM »
"When you asked me to set you up with Matt, I told you I wouldn't get involved; I didn't.  Stop pretending I did!"

Or to paraphrase what EllenS said: "If I should have warned anyone, it would be Matt who's owed the apology!"? ;) >:D  Has no-one mentioned to her that she's behaving like a bunny-boiler?  And that some people can find that off-putting? <end understatement>

She's lucky he didn't string her along for a while; he sounds a great guy and is well rid of Jane, TBH.  Does she honestly believe she's 'grown up' enough to be a parent?  That behaviour would seem to contradict her notions.

LadyL put it nicer than I can manage at the moment. :-[

"Jane, if Matt is such a horrible awful person who did such terrible things, why did you ever want (push )him to marry you in the first place?"

^ This too.

Seriously, I think walking away might be the only thing to do [I'd be muttering as I walked (but quietly)].

Good luck with your BBQ, and please let us know how it went (so that we can compliment you on your nice, shiny, spine).
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2017, 12:14:42 PM »
Or to paraphrase what EllenS said: "If I should have warned anyone, it would be Matt who's owed the apology!"? ;) >:D  Has no-one mentioned to her that she's behaving like a bunny-boiler?  And that some people can find that off-putting? <end understatement>

*snort*

I agree with those that say to tell remind her that you refused to set her up with anyone because you didn't want to get involved and this is exactly why.  And then a firm 'Drop it!'  And walk away, if she doesn't.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
Ontario

Twik

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #18 on: July 11, 2017, 12:29:35 PM »
Has no one in the family suggested to Jane that she needs therapy? She sounds likely to have a major emotional crash on her 30th birthday at this rate.

If you're not in the position to guide Jane to figuring out a healthier life approach, I think the best thing is just to reiterate, "Jane, I don't want to talk about Matt. I told you that before." and ignore attempts to drag you into the mess.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Semperviren

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #19 on: July 11, 2017, 12:49:19 PM »
"I specifically said at the outset that I don't get involved in friend's love lives. You pursued him on your own. It's unreasonable to try to put me in the middle now. I'm sorry it didn't work out but I want to be left out of it."

I think you may have to be a bit direct and firm on this. It sounds like she's "trying it on" to see if she can get you to feel guilty/ get other people to agree with her that it's somehow your fault.

Easter Hat

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #20 on: July 11, 2017, 01:58:44 PM »
It sounds like Matt was honest with her, gave it a second shot after the argument and then broke up with her honorably.

How about something like this,

Her "Matt is awful, just awful.  Such a player!"

You "Actually Matt is a really good friend of mine.  I know he liked you a lot and just wasn't ready to settle down.  He didn't want to hold you back so he let you go INSTEAD of stringing you along and using you."

Then walk away and when you find a moment without an audience tell her,

"I'm sorry that you are hurting.  But I've seen you go through relationship after relationship because you want too much, too soon.  This is the first ex-boyfriend of yours that I happen to personally know.  I love you but I also know that Matt is a GREAT guy.  I gotta tell you - you're making a big mistake by issuing ultimatums so early in a relationship.  Think of how many relationships have ended because of your tactic."

Then walk away.  And continue to walk away every time she talks trash about Matt. 

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #21 on: July 11, 2017, 03:17:01 PM »
I would be so tempted to say, "I'm just sorry I didn't warn Matt about you and your unreasonable expectations."

But I wouldn't. There's good language above, or something more direct like,

"I refused to set you up with my friend exactly because I didn't want to be in the middle. You're a grown woman and in charge of who you date. I'll be happy to talk about family news or something pleasant, but I don't want to hear any more about your breakup or your opinions of Matt. It's nothing to do with me."

She won't like it, but if she keeps cornering you with this nonsense it's worth saying once. (Only once.)

You would not be creating conflict or hurting the relationship - just marking her obnoxious package of conflict "return to sender."

This, in front of others or in private or both.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

You don't want to ruin the rel@tionsh!p but you aren't the one doing the damage. 

Mikayla

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #22 on: July 13, 2017, 11:18:07 AM »

"I'm sorry that you are hurting.  But I've seen you go through relationship after relationship because you want too much, too soon.  This is the first ex-boyfriend of yours that I happen to personally know.  I love you but I also know that Matt is a GREAT guy.  I gotta tell you - you're making a big mistake by issuing ultimatums so early in a relationship.  Think of how many relationships have ended because of your tactic."

Then walk away.  And continue to walk away every time she talks trash about Matt. 

The only thing I don't like about this is it's advice that should have been given *before* they started dating.   At this point, I'd be afraid she'd actually take the advice, call  Matt, and suck the poor bloke back in.  This puts OP right where she doesn't want to be - in the middle.

I would find a very direct way to make it clear this stops now or it will permanently damage the relationship.  Jane isn't coming across very well here on several levels.

TTasha

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #23 on: July 13, 2017, 05:30:58 PM »

"I'm sorry that you are hurting.  But I've seen you go through relationship after relationship because you want too much, too soon.  This is the first ex-boyfriend of yours that I happen to personally know.  I love you but I also know that Matt is a GREAT guy.  I gotta tell you - you're making a big mistake by issuing ultimatums so early in a relationship.  Think of how many relationships have ended because of your tactic."

Then walk away.  And continue to walk away every time she talks trash about Matt. 

The only thing I don't like about this is it's advice that should have been given *before* they started dating.   At this point, I'd be afraid she'd actually take the advice, call  Matt, and suck the poor bloke back in.  This puts OP right where she doesn't want to be - in the middle.

I would find a very direct way to make it clear this stops now or it will permanently damage the relationship.  Jane isn't coming across very well here on several levels.

It doesn't sound like Jane would have listened to this advice, even if OP had said something before they started dating. If she's that hellbent on being married and starting a family, she probably isn't being very rational. This probably stings more because Matt was a friend of her cousin (not so much a stranger).  OP should absolutely use Easter Hat's words and if they hurt, oh well. The truth often does...


Cali.in.UK

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #24 on: July 13, 2017, 05:54:26 PM »
Yikes, that is an awkward situation. I actually have a very close friend that is super similar to Jane (in the dating with a quick ultimatum way) but she draws the line at blaming me when things don't work out with guys she has met through me. The one time that MY Jane wanted to date someone we mutually knew, the guy reached out to me about her and I said directly, "Jane is really sweet, but she is looking for something very serious. She is not interested in casually dating at all. She wants to get married and have kids in the near future. You should know that before going out with her." I did this because I didn't want to get in a situation like the OPs and I didn't want either of them to waste their time, he was looking for something very casual while she was looking for a husband.

There is a lot of good advice from PPs in this thread. Since you and Jane are close I would recommend talking to her one-on-one and explaining how her behaviour is impacting you with using points from previous PPs 1) you don't want her to badmouth him just like you would not stand him badmouthing her 2) remind her that you in fact did not set them up, and then she asked him out 3) you don't want to discuss it anymore

And at least now you have the perfect reason to never set her up if she asks in the future.

PennyandPleased

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend
« Reply #25 on: July 17, 2017, 10:03:12 AM »
*****OP Here with a (boring) update!!

Sunday was the family BBQ. I arrived first. Jane came a bit late due to having an appointment earlier in the day. Everything was fine. A relative asked Jane how she had been since she had not seen her in a long time and said Relative asked how work was and if she was seeing anyone.

Jane just said that she WAS seeing someone "but it didn't work out. He was a good guy but we were not the right match."

There was also lots of 'opportunities' for her to say something bad about Matt or make a dig about me not "warning" her and she didn't take them and was totally normal towards me.

I don't know if someone talked to her or if she's over the whole Matt situation.

I actually kind of suspect she may be talking to a counselor about it all because when someone asked if she had been dating a lot Jane responded with a very calculated response along the lines of "I need to be happy as me before I can be happy as 'we'."  That was not the exact line but the line was very specific and I know Jane and this is a complete 180 so I suspect she may be talking with someone. Her Mom had actually mentioned she wanted Jane to talk with someone about her dating issue.

I hope that Jane gets some help and changes her way with men so that she can meet someone nice. Getting married and having kids is amazing but she was being much too aggressive about it all.

Sorry for the boring update!

PlainJane

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend-Boring update Pg2
« Reply #26 on: July 17, 2017, 10:11:13 AM »
The update may be boring, but I think it is wonderful!

gramma dishes

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend-Boring update Pg2
« Reply #27 on: July 17, 2017, 10:12:25 AM »
The update may be boring, but I think it is wonderful!

I don't even think it's boring.  I'm please that she seems to have realized that she's been determining her own fate all along.  I wish her well.

EllenS

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend-Boring update Pg2
« Reply #28 on: July 17, 2017, 10:41:02 AM »
Very good news!

Winterlight

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Re: Stop saying mean things about my friend-Boring update Pg2
« Reply #29 on: July 17, 2017, 11:12:11 AM »
This is a good update. Hopefully a counselor will help her sort things out.
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To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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