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  • November 25, 2017, 02:19:54 AM

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Author Topic: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"  (Read 2568 times)

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shhh its me

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2017, 07:08:03 PM »
-Is it inconsiderate to host a surprise wedding ?

No but you may have to be willing to spoil the surprise if you siblings wont take off work or reschedule GOT night AND it would be rude and mean to hold a grudge if people don't come
-Are guests obligated to produce a wedding gift or money after being told "surprise, you're at a wedding" ?
While gifts aren't required for weddings; I've always felt if you don't care enough for someone to at least want to give them a gift , don't attend their wedding.  I think a surprise wedding adds an additional caveat; if you would have accepted the invite knowing it was a wedding you  should send the same gift after the wedding you would have if you'd known it was a wedding when accepting/declining the invite.
-Two of the brides are receiving post-wedding parties from friends. One of them had felt "shortchanged and cheated" (of gifts & parties). If your friend had a surprise wedding, would you feel obligated to throw her a post-wedding bridal shower & bachelorette party ?
I wouldn't feel obligated to , but might want to
-The featured weddings had small appetizers, drinks & mini desserts. Is it rude of guests to stay for less than the length of a "normal" wedding ? You're obligated to the invitation you originally accepted, so it depends on what the ruse was

mime

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #16 on: August 01, 2017, 09:34:15 AM »
-Is it inconsiderate to host a surprise wedding ?

No but you may have to be willing to spoil the surprise if you siblings wont take off work or reschedule GOT night AND it would be rude and mean to hold a grudge if people don't come
-Are guests obligated to produce a wedding gift or money after being told "surprise, you're at a wedding" ?
While gifts aren't required for weddings; I've always felt if you don't care enough for someone to at least want to give them a gift , don't attend their wedding.  I think a surprise wedding adds an additional caveat; if you would have accepted the invite knowing it was a wedding you  should send the same gift after the wedding you would have if you'd known it was a wedding when accepting/declining the invite.
-Two of the brides are receiving post-wedding parties from friends. One of them had felt "shortchanged and cheated" (of gifts & parties). If your friend had a surprise wedding, would you feel obligated to throw her a post-wedding bridal shower & bachelorette party ?
I wouldn't feel obligated to , but might want to
-The featured weddings had small appetizers, drinks & mini desserts. Is it rude of guests to stay for less than the length of a "normal" wedding ? You're obligated to the invitation you originally accepted, so it depends on what the ruse was

I think all of this is spot-on.


Bert

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2017, 02:06:40 PM »
I would not be thrilled by it.

When you are led to expect something you have a kind of mental "appetite" for that. When a bait and switch is pulled on you, even when the switch is what others might consider equal or better, it can be disappointing or upsetting. The "gotcha" element would also be off-putting for me. I can't imagine I'm the only one.


This would be the thing that would bother me about this as well.  When I'm going to a wedding, I definitely have a "I'm attending a wedding today" mindset. 

The other thing that I don't like about this is that accepting an invitation to a wedding is basically saying that you support and encourage the marriage.  I don't think it's very polite to trick people into that show of support.  As in, you may be happy to attend your friend's BBQ, but think their partner is a jerk, or a cheater, or some other problem, and would want to think long and hard about supporting a marriage between them.   

gellchom

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #18 on: August 01, 2017, 02:31:41 PM »
The whole idea doesn't thrill me. If I were a guest, I'd be (internally) rolling my eyes because, why not let the guests know in advance? What is the goal here? In a way, it is inconsiderate simply because some people might miss it or might think it's fine to show up a little late, things which they wouldn't do if they'd only known.
....
I can tell you that if I declined attendance to such an event and then found out later that it had been a wedding I would feel pretty unhappy about it and feel that the couple just didn't greatly value my presence at their wedding to give me a heads up. Depending on my actual relationship with the couple, it could feel pretty hurtful.

This is how I feel.  I'd certainly make much more of an effort to attend a wedding of someone I care about than just a party -- even, for someone I'm pretty close to, up to bowing out of previously accepted invitations to less important events, scheduling my own calendar and vacation plans, traveling out of town, etc.  And I'll be on time and dressed nicely, which the HC might not care about, but their guests might (especially if there will be photos).   Don't HCs want people to care about being at their wedding more than at a regular party? 

It's not enough for the HC to decide they will be good sports about people who don't come because they didn't realize it was their wedding -- their feelings are the most important, but they aren't the only important feelings.  There will be people who are very disappointed to have missed it and even hurt that the "Surprise!" gimmick was more important to the HC than their presence.

I have the same question as lowspark: Why not tell the guests?  What is gained by making it a surprise?  Surprise parties are generally a flattering surprise for the guest of honor; this is more like a trick played on the guests.

mime

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2017, 02:40:17 PM »
I would not be thrilled by it.

When you are led to expect something you have a kind of mental "appetite" for that. When a bait and switch is pulled on you, even when the switch is what others might consider equal or better, it can be disappointing or upsetting. The "gotcha" element would also be off-putting for me. I can't imagine I'm the only one.


This would be the thing that would bother me about this as well.  When I'm going to a wedding, I definitely have a "I'm attending a wedding today" mindset. 

The other thing that I don't like about this is that accepting an invitation to a wedding is basically saying that you support and encourage the marriage.  I don't think it's very polite to trick people into that show of support.  As in, you may be happy to attend your friend's BBQ, but think their partner is a jerk, or a cheater, or some other problem, and would want to think long and hard about supporting a marriage between them.   

That's a very interesting point. I know of a weddings I did not attend because I did not support it, and I would not have liked a surprise wedding thrown at me during a party for them. In the case of the OP it was an engagement party, so I'd hope the attendees were supportive of the relationship, but it's still a serious thing to consider!


Bert

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2017, 05:05:01 PM »
The whole idea doesn't thrill me. If I were a guest, I'd be (internally) rolling my eyes because, why not let the guests know in advance? What is the goal here? In a way, it is inconsiderate simply because some people might miss it or might think it's fine to show up a little late, things which they wouldn't do if they'd only known.
....
I can tell you that if I declined attendance to such an event and then found out later that it had been a wedding I would feel pretty unhappy about it and feel that the couple just didn't greatly value my presence at their wedding to give me a heads up. Depending on my actual relationship with the couple, it could feel pretty hurtful.

This is how I feel.  I'd certainly make much more of an effort to attend a wedding of someone I care about than just a party -- even, for someone I'm pretty close to, up to bowing out of previously accepted invitations to less important events, scheduling my own calendar and vacation plans, traveling out of town, etc.  And I'll be on time and dressed nicely, which the HC might not care about, but their guests might (especially if there will be photos).   Don't HCs want people to care about being at their wedding more than at a regular party? 

It's not enough for the HC to decide they will be good sports about people who don't come because they didn't realize it was their wedding -- their feelings are the most important, but they aren't the only important feelings.  There will be people who are very disappointed to have missed it and even hurt that the "Surprise!" gimmick was more important to the HC than their presence.

I have the same question as lowspark: Why not tell the guests?  What is gained by making it a surprise?  Surprise parties are generally a flattering surprise for the guest of honor; this is more like a trick played on the guests.

I agree with all this too, especially the bolded.  We're throwing a party in a few weeks, it's a casual thing on a Saturday.  Food, drinks, it will be fun, but if someone is working that Saturday, or can't get away, or have family obligations or whatever, I get it.  100% of the people we invite won't be there.  Even some of our very close friends. People can't always be available, but isn't the point of a wedding with guests that this is a one-time, special thing that is kind of a big deal? 

miranova

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #21 on: August 05, 2017, 07:13:01 AM »


When you are led to expect something you have a kind of mental "appetite" for that. When a bait and switch is pulled on you, even when the switch is what others might consider equal or better, it can be disappointing or upsetting.

You just totally described me.  I like parties, and I like weddings but in different ways.  I would be totally thrown off to think I was going to a party and the event changed to a wedding.  Not like I would say anything...I'm assuming these are people I care about so I'd go with the flow as much as possible but I don't think this is a spectacular idea. 

I also assume that one reason people do this is because they don't want their guests feeling obligated to give them a bunch of gifts and attend all the trappings surrounding traditional weddings.  So to be disappointed after the fact that you didn't "get" a shower or whatnot seems very obtuse.

Winterlight

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #22 on: August 05, 2017, 09:53:04 PM »
I'd be pretty disappointed if I missed someone's wedding because I thought it was an ordinary party and didn't take time off work or whatever for it.

Also, if you do this, I feel like you're saying you don't want traditional things, so asking for a shower retroactively would put me off.
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Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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mmswm

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Re: "Surprise! You're at a wedding!"
« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2017, 03:45:30 PM »
There were quite a few years when I intentionally avoided weddings. I'd had an emotionally difficult divorce and was quite soured.  Between 2002 and 2015 I attended exactly one wedding, and that was only because I was able to suck it up for my sister.  Everybody else got a card and a somewhat larger gift than I might have otherwise sent, to make up for the fact that not attending the wedding was my issue, not theirs.  I would have been extremely upset to show up at a BBQ only to find out it was really a wedding.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)