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  • November 21, 2017, 02:36:29 AM

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Author Topic: Talk about overstepping the mark!  (Read 8617 times)

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gellchom

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #15 on: August 07, 2017, 03:01:55 PM »
There is a big difference between trying to talk someone out of doing what you feel is too much and actually cancelling plans on someone else. Unless there is a history of her crossing that (major) boundary I think assuming she will cancel someone else's hotel reservation is over the top.
...   I don't think we should leap to such an unkind assumption about the OP's relative.  ...



She is not a relative of either OP or OP's husband.   She's a friend of OP's mother in law.

Thanks for clarifying that for me.  It does make her involvement more surprising and feel more intrusive.  But I still think she was just trying to be helpful, although I do agree that she went too far -- her motives were not malicious. 

A lot would depend on who it was -- a godparent or close, practically-an-aunt family friend is different from the neighborhood busybody who just happened to hear you're having company.  I could see one of our good friends trying to help out our visiting adult children sort of like this, if not quite to the point of going to look at other places!  Someone who has been involved with adult kids in major ways in the past such as giving bridal showers, loaning a car, housing wedding guests for several days, and such might more legitimately feel like they aren't overstepping by giving unsolicited advice.

And there's still no need to assume that she would do something like canceling the reservations at XYZ Inn.

cass2591

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #16 on: August 07, 2017, 03:22:50 PM »
There is a big difference between trying to talk someone out of doing what you feel is too much and actually cancelling plans on someone else. Unless there is a history of her crossing that (major) boundary I think assuming she will cancel someone else's hotel reservation is over the top.

I completely agree. I do not understand the tendency to "awfulize" on this forum. Or maybe those that do it here do so IRL, so there is that.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

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gramma dishes

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #17 on: August 07, 2017, 03:49:43 PM »

I completely agree. I do not understand the tendency to "awfulize" on this forum. Or maybe those that do it here do so IRL, so there is that.

This time, I'm the one guilty of "awfulizing" the potential situation.  I did so because many decades ago when we were newlyweds someone tried doing exactly this to us.  She meant no harm, in fact she was trying to be helpful.

Well intended though it may have been, her action was not helpful.

VorFemme

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #18 on: August 07, 2017, 04:08:29 PM »
There's always the comment about "non-refundable deposits" to explain why someone is not changing their current reservations for "cheaper ones".  Because with a non-refundable deposit, there is no recovery of that part of the up front costs.

I do know a couple of families that will push you to change plans to "save" money - but will quit if told about a non-refundable deposit or exchange fee.  We own a time share that we can use to cover most if not all of the cost of going to a different location in the same company - but there is a "booking fee" or "administrative fee" that can only be refunded under limited circumstances and within certain dates...the closer to the event, the less money can be recovered. 

This family seems to like making last minute plans when they can get a "special low price" and wants everyone else to join them...for some reason, we don't end up joining them...

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

LadyL

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #19 on: August 07, 2017, 05:17:59 PM »

I think Emily was trying to be helpful.  It was too much, sure, but it wasn't malicious; she was trying to be nice.  If I understand correctly, she is a close relative (to the OP's husband if not to the OP herself) and she lives in the area where everyone is convening, so she might feel some responsibility to try to be helpful.

There is a version of pushy that is somewhere in between totally clueless about social norms and maliciously disregarding those norms, and that's where this falls for me. The OP is happy with their accommodations and Emily only suggested alternate arrangements because she made an uninformed judgement of OP's financial choices. Not only that, but she is triangulating between OP's MIL and OP. She's approaching it quite differently than casually mentioning a coupon like in one of your examples.

gellchom

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #20 on: August 07, 2017, 06:06:39 PM »

I think Emily was trying to be helpful.  It was too much, sure, but it wasn't malicious; she was trying to be nice.  If I understand correctly, she is a close relative (to the OP's husband if not to the OP herself) and she lives in the area where everyone is convening, so she might feel some responsibility to try to be helpful.

There is a version of pushy that is somewhere in between totally clueless about social norms and maliciously disregarding those norms, and that's where this falls for me. The OP is happy with their accommodations and Emily only suggested alternate arrangements because she made an uninformed judgement of OP's financial choices. Not only that, but she is triangulating between OP's MIL and OP. She's approaching it quite differently than casually mentioning a coupon like in one of your examples.

Yeah, that's sort of my point -- there's a continuum here.  Just because she went farther than she should have done doesn't mean that she would go all the way to the extreme of cancelling their reservations.  Good motives don't excuse all, but they aren't meaningless, either.  She overstepped, but her intentions were kind, and no harm was done.  I don't see her as triangulating, necessarily; it sounds like she talked to MIL because that's who is her friend, not because she was trying to go behind the OP's back.  Certainly she can be ignored or asked nicely to stop, but she doesn't need to be demonized over it.

Love the term "awfulize," cass2591!

rose red

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #21 on: August 07, 2017, 07:50:49 PM »
Nobody is advising the OP to accuse Emily to her face that she fears Emily will cancel the hotel reservation. But if the OP wants to take that extra step as a "just in case" thing to set up a password, it a simple phone call. There's no harm in asking the hotel if they will do it, even if there's less than a 1% Emily will cancel for them (in a well-meaning way). Emily does not ever have to know about it.

eta: It's better to do something that you end up not needing than the other way around. There are many threads that advise the OP to "Cut them off/ignore them/confront them!" and I almost always think we shouldn't make up facts and the OP should calmly talk it out first before jumping to the nuclear action. But in *this* case, setting up a password is something nobody else need to know about.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2017, 08:14:31 PM by rose red »

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #22 on: August 08, 2017, 09:13:41 AM »

I completely agree. I do not understand the tendency to "awfulize" on this forum. Or maybe those that do it here do so IRL, so there is that.

This time, I'm the one guilty of "awfulizing" the potential situation.  I did so because many decades ago when we were newlyweds someone tried doing exactly this to us.  She meant no harm, in fact she was trying to be helpful.

Well intended though it may have been, her action was not helpful.

I see posters "awfulizing" scenarios here frequently.  My thinking is that they have seen that scenario in real life.  While some may think it is over the top thinking, my thought is probably because they have actually lived it. 

While I would never leap to that idea about Emily, I can see where someone would, because as gramma dishes posted - they have had it done to them. 

Luci

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #23 on: August 08, 2017, 09:46:13 AM »

I completely agree. I do not understand the tendency to "awfulize" on this forum. Or maybe those that do it here do so IRL, so there is that.

This time, I'm the one guilty of "awfulizing" the potential situation.  I did so because many decades ago when we were newlyweds someone tried doing exactly this to us.  She meant no harm, in fact she was trying to be helpful.

Well intended though it may have been, her action was not helpful.

I see posters "awfulizing" scenarios here frequently.  My thinking is that they have seen that scenario in real life.  While some may think it is over the top thinking, my thought is probably because they have actually lived it. 

While I would never leap to that idea about Emily, I can see where someone would, because as gramma dishes posted - they have had it done to them.

Twice we've had someone invite people to stay in our home. Not possible in a 900 sq ft home , one bathroom, with 2 busy kids and a dog and two working parents. Not only that, they were senior women who were not the types to throw a cushion on the floor just anywhere. They were told to cancel their reservations. Another time, I was recovering from a major illness, couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself, she told someomone i would be delighted to have guests stay on their way to another destination, not to help DH. She invited a group to use a neighbor's pool even though she hadn't been invited herself. It's only one more step to her actually doing something official.

LadyL

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #24 on: August 08, 2017, 12:52:10 PM »


I completely agree. I do not understand the tendency to "awfulize" on this forum. Or maybe those that do it here do so IRL, so there is that.

This time, I'm the one guilty of "awfulizing" the potential situation.  I did so because many decades ago when we were newlyweds someone tried doing exactly this to us.  She meant no harm, in fact she was trying to be helpful.

Well intended though it may have been, her action was not helpful.

I see posters "awfulizing" scenarios here frequently.  My thinking is that they have seen that scenario in real life.  While some may think it is over the top thinking, my thought is probably because they have actually lived it. 

While I would never leap to that idea about Emily, I can see where someone would, because as gramma dishes posted - they have had it done to them.


I've written about how my MIL is notorious for this kind of thing, so I know it happens - but to be fair, out of the dozens of people I'm related to, she is the only one who oversteps boundaries to such an extent. I interpret "awfulizing" as thinking that every person who oversteps a boundary is a "give an inch, they'll take a mile" type. In my experience that's just not true. It takes a pattern of pushy behavior for me to put up strict boundaries and set information diets and all that - it's a last resort, not a first step in resolving a conflict.

cass2591

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #25 on: August 08, 2017, 03:44:44 PM »
When I use the word "awfulizing" here, it's because I find a bunch of strangers leaping to the worst possible conclusion, without any previous knowledge of the parties involved, to be a bit odd. It happens frequently, but the one that stands out to me was the thread about the woman whose family (or maybe it was her late husband's family) insisted she move closer to them. That more than one or two posters actually warned the OP that the family would hold her hostage in the basement absolutely confounded me.

Does bad stuff happen, absolutely. But the fear mongering is ridiculous. Now, if people want to start a separate thread in an appropriate folder, feel free, but this thread has been derailed enough.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

weaselfrance

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #26 on: August 09, 2017, 03:19:16 AM »
Thank you for your comments folks. I have a nine week old baby, so that hopefully excuses any delay in my replies/updates.

My in laws have known Jack and Emily since they've moved to their current home, so IIRC, about ten years. We see them approximately four times a year, when we visit the in laws. We have no contact with them outside of these interactions. So not lifelong family friends that are considered part of the family.

Emily has yet to contact me about this and I doubt she will. She'll just go on about it to my MIL. I don't believe Emily is going to cancel our booking. She's a bit of a nuisance sometimes, but not as awful as that.

She's now trying to persuade my MIL to go and look at the rooms in the pub to get her to agree that Emily's right. MIL is flatly refusing to do this and increasingly annoyed with her.

I feel sorry to the staff at the pub who are wasting their time dealing with Emily's pointless requests.

We actually got a really good deal on the hotel room, because we booked it so early and paid for the booking in advance. Expensive enough to be a treat, but nowhere near enough to break our bank. This stay is also our Christmas present to each other, it's been a busy year with our first baby being born and we wanted a bit of a luxury. But, I really don't see why this is any of Emily's business since we are adults, if you know what I mean?

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #27 on: August 09, 2017, 08:57:29 AM »
Thank you for your comments folks. I have a nine week old baby, so that hopefully excuses any delay in my replies/updates.

My in laws have known Jack and Emily since they've moved to their current home, so IIRC, about ten years. We see them approximately four times a year, when we visit the in laws. We have no contact with them outside of these interactions. So not lifelong family friends that are considered part of the family.

Emily has yet to contact me about this and I doubt she will. She'll just go on about it to my MIL. I don't believe Emily is going to cancel our booking. She's a bit of a nuisance sometimes, but not as awful as that.

She's now trying to persuade my MIL to go and look at the rooms in the pub to get her to agree that Emily's right. MIL is flatly refusing to do this and increasingly annoyed with her.

I feel sorry to the staff at the pub who are wasting their time dealing with Emily's pointless requests.

We actually got a really good deal on the hotel room, because we booked it so early and paid for the booking in advance. Expensive enough to be a treat, but nowhere near enough to break our bank. This stay is also our Christmas present to each other, it's been a busy year with our first baby being born and we wanted a bit of a luxury. But, I really don't see why this is any of Emily's business since we are adults, if you know what I mean?
[/b]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. 

Easter Hat

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #28 on: August 09, 2017, 09:18:08 AM »
Quote
We actually got a really good deal on the hotel room, because we booked it so early and paid for the booking in advance. Expensive enough to be a treat, but nowhere near enough to break our bank. This stay is also our Christmas present to each other, it's been a busy year with our first baby being born and we wanted a bit of a luxury. But, I really don't see why this is any of Emily's business since we are adults, if you know what I mean?

These are perfect examples of why people need to mind their own business in situations that have nothing to do with them. 

I'm now reminded of a client who wanted to pay a great deal of money on something I offer in my business.  She was being quite extravagant.  Since she was earlier mentioning money woes and and other difficulties, I showed her some other options that "I" felt would be better suited to her budget.  She insisted on the costlier items and of course I reluctantly provided what she wanted.  I assumed she'd be charging her purchase and I privately thought she was being silly.  I even recall telling my husband that she was making a poor choice by being so extravagant when she could have purchased something much cheaper (yet still lovely).

When my client came to pick up her items she had her aunt with her, and she was very excited to show her the purchase. Her aunt happily paid the very large invoice.  They gushed and thanked me and left.  Their next stop was to pick up another order at another store and then they were doing lunch at a fancy restaurant.  Turns the aunt was very generous and they already had an agreement for the aunt to treat her to these nice things.

I learned a valuable lesson that while it's nice to suggest items of a more reasonable budget - it's NONE of my business how they manage THEIR money.  I wasted too much time judging this customer instead of offering my best service to her.  Lesson learned!

pattycake

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #29 on: August 09, 2017, 09:50:32 AM »
But, I really don't see why this is any of Emily's business since we are adults, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps you can help your m-i-l express this to Emily, since it is she who Emily is really bothering about it all. Maybe something like "I appreciate your desire to be helpful but really this isn't - they are adults and have made their decision, and that is final. Have I showed you my new beandip recipe?"