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  • November 23, 2017, 08:30:51 PM

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Author Topic: Talk about overstepping the mark!  (Read 8713 times)

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Minmom3

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #30 on: August 10, 2017, 06:41:19 PM »
I think 'awfulized' needs to enter my lexicon of faux but functional words!
Double MIL now; not yet a Grandma.  Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!

Mouse Isa

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #31 on: August 10, 2017, 06:41:34 PM »
I get the sentiment she was trying to help you save a few bucks, but it's very presumptuous to assume you need the help at all.  Not to mention it comes across as overbearing and a little controlling.
Ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah

weaselfrance

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #32 on: August 10, 2017, 09:20:58 PM »
What I think I find particularly irritating about this is the fact that she and Jack are two of the most financially irresponsible people I've ever met. Whenever they've got any money, they spend it. Emily has told me herself they have no savings and a big mortgage. They are in their early 60's, a bit younger than my in laws. I've heard them say that they think they've 'failed' if they haven't spent all their income by payday.  We, on the other hand, have very little debt, are very carful to save, only have one car, eat out very rarely and will happily get stuff for us in charity shops (thrift shops).

I have a friend who is renowned for her thriftiness. This kind of behaviour from her would stil be totally unacceptable, but I don't think would annoy me as much.

In laws are coming to stay soon, I'll update if there's any more boundary stepping!

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #33 on: August 11, 2017, 03:46:23 PM »
If you spoke to Emily directly at all, I might advise a gushy, "Oh, thank you for the information!"  No promise to follow through, and then later, "Well, we decided to stay to Hotel after all, but thanks for trying to help."

Perhaps your MIL could say, "I passed the info on to them."  It's not like MIL can force you to do anything or stay in a specific place.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy

TurtleDove

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #34 on: August 11, 2017, 03:52:40 PM »
What I think I find particularly irritating about this is the fact that she and Jack are two of the most financially irresponsible people I've ever met. Whenever they've got any money, they spend it. Emily has told me herself they have no savings and a big mortgage. They are in their early 60's, a bit younger than my in laws. I've heard them say that they think they've 'failed' if they haven't spent all their income by payday. 

This additional information makes it seem almost like they resent that you can afford this indulgence! It is so much none of their business, but I have definitely known of people who begrudge others who either make more money than they do or handle their money better than they do. This type of person thinks it is unfair somehow that another person has either worked harder than they have, or made certain sacrifices that they have not, and begrudge the payoff for the hard work and sacrifice. I have known people who spent $30+ per day on food when they made minimum wage, and then bemoaned that they couldn't afford a car payment or a nice apartment.

gellchom

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #35 on: August 11, 2017, 07:32:01 PM »
If you spoke to Emily directly at all, I might advise a gushy, "Oh, thank you for the information!"  No promise to follow through, and then later, "Well, we decided to stay to Hotel after all, but thanks for trying to help."

Perhaps your MIL could say, "I passed the info on to them."  It's not like MIL can force you to do anything or stay in a specific place.

That's perfect. 

I can see why this felt annoying, but I really don't understand why this is so very awful.  How was the OP harmed?  Emily wasted her own time doing research and made a suggestion that the OP didn't need or want -- she didn't cancel reservations; she didn't make new reservations; and IIRC she didn't even talk to, let alone nag, the OP about it.  I don't see a reason to assume they resent anyone else's money.

Suppose you were in the OP's position (but with cancelable reservations, which presumably Emily assumed they had) and actually preferred what Emily found?  Should you refuse to stay there anyway on principle?

Yes, I can understand how this felt intrusive.  And yes, it was not Emily's business.  Then again, most favors aren't. 

Bales

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #36 on: August 11, 2017, 08:36:06 PM »
This isn't a favor.  This is a person being nosy and presumptive.  Emily took it upon herself to look up the room rate and assumes that the rate she saw is what the OP is paying.  She further assumes that the OP can't afford it.  If OP's mother had advised that OP was upset about the cost to visit, but didn't know of any other options and Emily took it upon herself to do research and provide advice, then that is a favor.  This is just her butting in and being annoying about it to boot.


gellchom

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #37 on: August 11, 2017, 10:57:55 PM »
This isn't a favor.  This is a person being nosy and presumptive.  Emily took it upon herself to look up the room rate and assumes that the rate she saw is what the OP is paying.  She further assumes that the OP can't afford it.  If OP's mother had advised that OP was upset about the cost to visit, but didn't know of any other options and Emily took it upon herself to do research and provide advice, then that is a favor.  This is just her butting in and being annoying about it to boot.

Re: the bolded -- I looked at all the OP's posts, and nowhere does she say that.  Maybe that's what Emily does think, but there's no reason to assume the worst.  The OP seemed more offended that she felt that Emily wasn't treating her like an adult (although I don't see anything to suggest that Emily wouldn't try to do exactly the same thing with people of any age!).

You're right, it didn't turn out to be a favor.  But that's what Emily evidently was trying to do.  That's why I gave the hypothetical in my last post, in response to the "mind your own business!" posts: what if  the OP actually would have preferred the room Emily found?  Would she have done them a favor then, albeit in a pushy way?  The point was that favors that turn out to be real favors and "favors" that don't are both usually none of the other person's business.  Sometimes we are glad when someone else "minds our business" by looking out for us.

I'm not saying that Emily's behavior was okay.  I'm sure was quite annoying to the OP's MIL, the repeated urging if not the initial suggestion.  I just don't see it as harming the OP in any way or otherwise horrible.  It sounds to me like Emily was sincerely trying to be helpful, but that she is persistent to the point of being obnoxious.  I assume she has other, more positive traits, as MIL is still friends with her; no one is perfect.  And I agree with pierrotlunaire0 that this is easily and pleasantly handled by MIL's simply saying something along the lines of "Thanks for trying to help, but they are all set with their plans."

Semperviren

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #38 on: August 12, 2017, 09:49:00 AM »
Emily may "mean well", but to me this is going far beyond "trying to help" and is edging into "trying to control you".

I think Emily needs a hobby.

GardenGal

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #39 on: August 12, 2017, 12:22:55 PM »
Emily may "mean well", but to me this is going far beyond "trying to help" and is edging into "trying to control you".

I think Emily needs a hobby.

Yep, you nailed it!
"No matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Banzai

rose red

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #40 on: August 12, 2017, 02:00:57 PM »
Yeah. It's one thing to suggest "Hey, have you checked out ABC Bed and Breakfast? It's inexpensive but really nice." But to actually research and visit the place is just being a busybody (for a lack of better word) and downright strange.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2017, 02:02:47 PM by rose red »

Semperviren

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #41 on: August 12, 2017, 02:15:39 PM »
Honestly, even the Nancy Drew-ing about what I'd be paying for lodging would irk me. I realize the info is readily available online for anyone to look at, but she really had no reason to do so.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2017, 02:17:35 PM by Semperviren »

weaselfrance

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark! Small update
« Reply #42 on: August 28, 2017, 02:35:24 AM »
My in-laws came to stay last week. MIL mentioned Emily's comments about the cost of the room and that MIL's response was:

'It's their money, their choice where they stay, it's none of your business.'

Emily's new argument is that the rooms in nice boutique hotel 'Aren't suitable to bring a baby to stay in' (Baby Weasel will be seven months old while we're staying there). We'd contacted the hotel to make sure our room was big enough for the shedloads of stuff our tiny little person needs before we'd booked anything, this is not a problem. She's not going to be moving under her own steam at that age, so baby proofing the room isn't really going to be an issue.

Genuinely baffled as to why this woman is so concerned about our hotel stay.  And why she feels we're unable to 'adult' sufficiently well to think of things like the safety of our baby (our number one concern) and budget for ourselves. I had no idea Emily had such a low opinion of my intelligence. Or whether she's simply being stubborn about not having her opinions listened to and acted on.

Jack and Emily have put their house on the market. In laws are counting down until they move and avoiding them as much as possible in the meantime.

Edit because I can spell, but haven't had any coffee this morning
« Last Edit: August 28, 2017, 02:40:33 AM by weaselfrance »

Maude

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark!
« Reply #43 on: August 28, 2017, 03:50:23 AM »
Please don't fret about Emily. Your MIL told you of her antics because she thought it would be entertaining.(It's certainly entertaining for us!) I think MIL needs a hug for putting up with her.

Have a joyous Xmas with your family!

gramma dishes

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Re: Talk about overstepping the mark! Small update
« Reply #44 on: August 28, 2017, 10:04:53 AM »
...   Emily's new argument is that the rooms in nice boutique hotel 'Aren't suitable to bring a baby to stay in' (Baby Weasel will be seven months old while we're staying there). ...    She's not going to be moving under her own steam at that age, so baby proofing the room isn't really going to be an issue.  ...

You may be surprised at how mobile a seven month old baby can be!   :)