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  • November 23, 2017, 11:25:51 AM

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Author Topic: no kids - except for.....  (Read 7581 times)

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goldilocks

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no kids - except for.....
« on: August 28, 2017, 09:57:39 AM »
Not sure I've seen this before.   Friend came to me complaining of wedding drama with upcoming wedding.   Bride has stated no children at the wedding or reception.    However, there will be children there - junior bridesmaids, flower girl, ring bearer, etc.

Obviously family members that can't bring their children are upset.   

What do you think?   Can you exclude children but still include the wedding party?   

lmyrs

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2017, 10:30:21 AM »
Yes. I think that this is more common than people realize.

If your kids aren't invited, that's just the way life is sometimes. If it means you won't attend, that's unfortunate. I know a person getting married this fall who is inviting all cousins, aunts, uncles, etc of the couple, but only some of the cousins' children are invited. It's a space consideration. They both have enormous families and they have booked the only hall in their town. They have 500 people invited to the supper and that's entirely family. In other words, none of their university friends made the cut. Any cousin that decides it's unfair that their kid isn't invited, will have to think about why they are more worthy than any of the others that aren't in attendance.

I would never question a couple's guest list. Sure, there are always "consequences" to these decisions. But, they are tough decisions. And, if you're going to make it harder for the bride and groom, then I think you're an easy cut from the list.

TurtleDove

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2017, 10:31:17 AM »
Not sure I've seen this before.   Friend came to me complaining of wedding drama with upcoming wedding.   Bride has stated no children at the wedding or reception.    However, there will be children there - junior bridesmaids, flower girl, ring bearer, etc.

Obviously family members that can't bring their children are upset.   

What do you think?   Can you exclude children but still include the wedding party?

I think you can do whatever you want, but you cannot please all people all the time so the couple getting married should please themselves. In my experience, it is pretty typical for some children to be included while others are not, depending on all sorts of issues ranging from relationship to the couple to age to participation in the wedding. My husband and I are invited to a coworkers wedding, and will happily attend. My DD age 8 is not invited. The bride and grooms nieces and nephews and other young family members and probably kids of close friends are invited to the wedding and reception. In my opinion, it would be obnoxious for me to raise a stink about my DD not being invited. With family members it is different, but I still would accept whatever the couple has requested. It is not my wedding.

TurtleDove

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2017, 10:32:05 AM »

I would never question a couple's guest list. Sure, there are always "consequences" to these decisions. But, they are tough decisions. And, if you're going to make it harder for the bride and groom, then I think you're an easy cut from the list.

Very well stated. I agree.

ClaireC79

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2017, 10:45:47 AM »
You can invite who you want, it does seem strange to me though to say that the rule is no kids and then have some kids there (the rule of only invited guests and only 3 of those guests being under a cut off is not - even though the outcome is the same)

I could see being a little upset if it was the children in the wedding party were at the same level as my children (ie they have invited the nieces to be bridesmaids and to the wedding but the nephews aren't invited) - however if it was friend/cousin etc getting married and they didn't invite my kids but invited those who they are related to or have a close relationship with, that wouldn't upset me at all.

goldilocks

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2017, 11:03:35 AM »
To clarify, the kids in the wedding are family, and so are the ones not invited.   I could perfectly understand that my child is not invited if I am just a friend, but not if we are family and other family (of the same relationship), is invited.

gramma dishes

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2017, 11:05:05 AM »
To clarify, the kids in the wedding are family, and so are the ones not invited.   I could perfectly understand that my child is not invited if I am just a friend, but not if we are family and other family (of the same relationship), is invited.

Are there big age differences?

HannahGrace

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2017, 11:13:25 AM »
To clarify, the kids in the wedding are family, and so are the ones not invited.   I could perfectly understand that my child is not invited if I am just a friend, but not if we are family and other family (of the same relationship), is invited.

By same rel'ship do you mean same level of kinship (cousin, niece, etc) or same level of closeness?  These are all adults, but we invited my two cousins to our wedding and none of my husband's. We are close to my cousins and my husband hasn't seen his in over a decade, and I've never met them. They are not equivalent to my cousins just because they all hold the title of cousin.

To me it also depends how many of each group were included / excluded. If two children are in the wedding party and a number of other children are not invited, that doesn't feel like a slight. If the wedding party has 10 kids and only one family kid isn't invited, that feels wrong. Is it a small wedding or a 300+ person event? Like so many things, I think this is fact- and situation-specific and it is hard to have a bright line rule.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2017, 11:48:14 AM »
To clarify, the kids in the wedding are family, and so are the ones not invited.   I could perfectly understand that my child is not invited if I am just a friend, but not if we are family and other family (of the same relationship), is invited.

By same rel'ship do you mean same level of kinship (cousin, niece, etc) or same level of closeness?  These are all adults, but we invited my two cousins to our wedding and none of my husband's. We are close to my cousins and my husband hasn't seen his in over a decade, and I've never met them. They are not equivalent to my cousins just because they all hold the title of cousin.

To me it also depends how many of each group were included / excluded. If two children are in the wedding party and a number of other children are not invited, that doesn't feel like a slight. If the wedding party has 10 kids and only one family kid isn't invited, that feels wrong. Is it a small wedding or a 300+ person event? Like so many things, I think this is fact- and situation-specific and it is hard to have a bright line rule.

My thoughts too - situation specific.  There have been many threads about this through the years. 

If you become the difficult guest I think you get a reputation as well and future events might limit their guest list (you know, as in, you are off of it...)

A couple get one chance to have the perfect day, they don't want ill behaved children spoiling it.  Some parents think their children are perfectly behaved until the one time they aren't... I don't blame the HC.  But again, I don't know the limits and allowances being made to the children that are invited and those that aren't. 

 
 


rose red

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2017, 12:31:30 PM »
IMO, I can understand only inviting the JB, flower girl and ring bearer. They have a special job and not just attending to watch and party.

Sure, it might be strange not to invite children if there were only 2 other ones that age, but I can understand not inviting children if there were 10 or more in the extended family tree.

ClaireC79

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2017, 12:32:23 PM »
relationship and level of closeness being similar

Cousin to me is not immediate family in the way siblings and nieces and nephews are - and therefore invitations are based on relationship not blood line (but I'd probably treat each individual family group the same way, so if I invited cousin Jane's 6 year old daughter because I see them every month at grandmas house I would include her 8 year old stepbrother who I don't see that often because he's at his mother's often, but I may not invite Jane's brother (Jos) 7 year old who lives in a different country and I never see -probably wouldn't invite Jo either if I'm honest

camlan

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2017, 12:59:56 PM »
The general rule has always been to that if you invite most of a category of people, you invite them all, in order to avoid offence. I.e., you can't invite 15 of 16 first cousins. (Unless you have given that 16th first cousin the cut direct.)

Now, things have loosened up in these modern times, and as PPs have said, it's not unheard of to simply not invite cousins/aunts/uncles whom you haven't seen or communicated with in years.

In this case, the category is "children who are part of the wedding party." Not "children who are related to the bride and groom and many of their close family members."

Clearly, the two groups intersect--the young wedding party members are also related to the bride and groom.

But the Happy Couple really isn't picking some of their nieces and nephews over others in terms of the guest list. They did pick some over the others when it came to being in the wedding party.

But weddings are expensive. Every couple has to make tough decisions over who gets invited.  People shouldn't treat invitations as if they are owed invitations. Either accept the invitation as given, or not.

Creating a family feud over whether or not nine-year-old Brittany gets to go to the wedding of a cousin who is 25 years older than her is a bit much.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Redneck Gravy

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2017, 01:29:15 PM »
Camlan said: Creating a family feud over whether or not nine-year-old Brittany gets to go to the wedding of a cousin who is 25 years older than her is a bit much.

This, just so much this.  Don't start a family feud over this.  Is this Brittany's hill to die on or yours?  Weddings have enough stress without a family member adding to it. 

TootsNYC

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2017, 04:34:27 PM »
People who get mad about this sort of thing piss me off.

Children are not accessories to their parents. They are actual people, who might have actual relationships with the bride and groom.

And so they might be invited, or included, because of their relationships with the couple.

If you want your kids to be so important to the couple that they get invited, you need to invest some time in cultivating that relationship BEFORE the wedding.

My kids were included in a wedding because my son was the ring bearer (and his older sister was included because they didn't think they should omit only one of our children).

One of the aunts (my FIL's sister-in-law) was invited, and her children were, but not her grandchildren. When she saw that my FIL's grandchildren were included (my kids), she demanded of the MOG: "Why weren't MY children invited?"

The MOG said, "Your children barely know my son. My son sees Toots' kids at every holiday."

My MIL tried to sort of apologize/gossip about the fact that at the next wedding in that family, my kids weren't invited (my son actually once said something like, "which one is Danny?" and the MOG said, "well, that will make it easy deciding whether to invite you to his wedding!" I laughed.). Nor were most other people's children.

But the bride had included the boy she had babysat for something like 12 years of his life.
I shut my MIL down pretty quickly.

LadyL

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Re: no kids - except for.....
« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2017, 04:45:48 PM »
I think "kids in the wedding party only" is a very fair line to draw. Those children are close enough that the HC included them in their ceremony. It's understandable that only a small number of children fall under that level of close relationship.

We created a guest list cutoff by age  once we realized that if we invited all kids of family and friends, we'd have 10-20 children under age 5 at our evening wedding in a historic venue that is very not kid proof and full of breakable things. I like many of my nieces and nephews just fine but wanted an adult event that would involve dancing  till late in the night, past when most small kids would need to be put to bed. Only my 9 and 12 year old relatives were invited and they tore up the dance floor until the very last song just as we hoped :).

It was not at all meant as a slight against anyone's children but more a matter of logistics and the kind of wedding we wanted to have. We gave people many months to make arrangements with child care and as far as I know no one had to decline because of that issue. If someone was resentful that their 3 year old wasn't invited when there were a dozen other toddlers also not invited, I consider that their problem, not mine.