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  • November 23, 2017, 11:26:17 AM

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Author Topic: Honeymoon registry bait and switch  (Read 2718 times)

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Fawkes

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2017, 10:10:24 AM »

I've come across these before. My response tends to be to get them a Honeymoon Journal - something like this. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Honeymoon-Keepsake-Journal-Julie-Glantz/dp/0811825205/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1505211708&sr=8-4&keywords=honeymoon+journal

Thank you so much for this suggestion. That is exactly what I am going to get them. Really great idea

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #16 on: September 12, 2017, 10:39:21 AM »
I am picturing the HC writing TY notes when they get home. "Dear friend, thank you so much for the round of drinks on our honeymoon. I had a Sex on the Beach and Fred had a shot of Chivas Regal. We remembered you fondly as we drank them. Sincerely, HC"

You think there will be thank you notes?  I think someone this clueless and rude won't be writing them - but I have been shocked by lesser things before. 

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2017, 10:44:16 AM »
I am picturing the HC writing TY notes when they get home. "Dear friend, thank you so much for the round of drinks on our honeymoon. I had a Sex on the Beach and Fred had a shot of Chivas Regal. We remembered you fondly as we drank them. Sincerely, HC"

You think there will be thank you notes?  I think someone this clueless and rude won't be writing them - but I have been shocked by lesser things before.

I have received a similar thank you note, and sent such thank you notes also. I never had a "honeymoon registry" but my husband and I were gifted money and gift cards to be used toward experiences. Since I was 39 and he was 47 when we got married, and we both had established households, we neither needed more wanted tangible items. I find it rather judgmental to assume those who prefer experiences are not likely to send thank you notes.

lmyrs

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2017, 11:28:11 AM »
I am picturing the HC writing TY notes when they get home. "Dear friend, thank you so much for the round of drinks on our honeymoon. I had a Sex on the Beach and Fred had a shot of Chivas Regal. We remembered you fondly as we drank them. Sincerely, HC"

You think there will be thank you notes?  I think someone this clueless and rude won't be writing them - but I have been shocked by lesser things before.

I have received a similar thank you note, and sent such thank you notes also. I never had a "honeymoon registry" but my husband and I were gifted money and gift cards to be used toward experiences. Since I was 39 and he was 47 when we got married, and we both had established households, we neither needed more wanted tangible items. I find it rather judgmental to assume those who prefer experiences are not likely to send thank you notes.

No kidding. I think that this assumption is petty and rude. Just because you have no use for a cast iron pan doesn't make you a bad or rude person. The holier than thou judgments in this thread are unbecoming of everyone involved.


Mandible

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #19 on: September 12, 2017, 11:41:41 AM »
I am picturing the HC writing TY notes when they get home. "Dear friend, thank you so much for the round of drinks on our honeymoon. I had a Sex on the Beach and Fred had a shot of Chivas Regal. We remembered you fondly as we drank them. Sincerely, HC"

You think there will be thank you notes?  I think someone this clueless and rude won't be writing them - but I have been shocked by lesser things before.

I don't think that is very nice, nor is it fair. My fiance and I are getting married later this month, and at much urging by our friends and family set up a registry. We used one where you could register for "things" or "experiences" and we registered for a bit of both. Honestly, the idea of people giving me/us presents has always made me uncomfortable, so we didn't register for a lot either way.

For my bridal shower, my notes were in the mail a week after the fact, and for my bachelorette party, same thing. I don't think it's fair to cast aspersions on someone just because you don't like what they've registered for. I've seen registries that ask for cat food/dog food, or camping gear, or workout clothes. How is one things registered for any better than another?

rose red

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #20 on: September 12, 2017, 11:42:19 AM »
Gifts and registries evolve, for better or for worse. Otherwise, we'd still be bringing gifts of homemade canned goods for the bride to set up house. Technically, registries themselves are rude, but we don't even blink at them anymore. I've also seen some doozies on them; way more eyebrow raising than a honeymoon trip.

Just because honeymoon registries are too new to be common doesn't mean the HC are rude people who won't send TY letters. I've seen people who don't send TY notes for any gifts, no matter how "traditional" the gifts are.
« Last Edit: September 12, 2017, 11:45:54 AM by rose red »

lmyrs

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #21 on: September 12, 2017, 01:52:36 PM »
It's also a lot easier to write a note that says, "Thank you so much for gifting us the dragon tour. We took it while in Mordor and the views were amazing. We've enclosed some photos from the experience."

rather than one that says, "Thank you for the cast iron pan that you insisted I needed even though I am 29 years old and have been on my own since I was 17 and already own my own complete set of cookware. It is in a box downstairs where it will remain until my next garage sale 8 years from now."

Yes, I know that the 2nd note is terrible and would never, ever, ever send it. But, I'm rather tired of the attitude that everyone who doesn't want a bunch of random junk filling up their homes is an ungrateful wretch. Teenagers aren't the ones getting married anymore. Sorry to say it, but the average married couple has been on their own long enough that they really don't need serving platters, cookware or garden tools. The gracious ones accept those things with heartfelt thanks anyway. But, I can tell you 10 years later that I 100% remember specifically who gave me the hot air balloon ride but have no idea who gave me the extra set of pans that literally did sit in my basement for 7 years. Or the plates and glasses that were regifted to my newly graduated cousins.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #22 on: September 12, 2017, 02:26:37 PM »
I am picturing the HC writing TY notes when they get home. "Dear friend, thank you so much for the round of drinks on our honeymoon. I had a Sex on the Beach and Fred had a shot of Chivas Regal. We remembered you fondly as we drank them. Sincerely, HC"

You think there will be thank you notes?  I think someone this clueless and rude won't be writing them - but I have been shocked by lesser things before.

I think this is very harsh. Honeymoon registries have been around for at least 20 years. The first I was aware of pretty simple. An account was set up with the couple's travel agent and you deposited money into the account. Some people liked it, others hated it.

The first time I encountered buying an "experience" for a honeymoon was set up through the resort they were staying at for their honeymoon. You could buy a bottle of champagne for the room, or a snorkeling tour, or dinner for you, or wine service with dinner. Just like here, some like the idea of buying a specific experience while others would prefer to give cash and others want to provide a gift they select.

I personally have never been a fan of the honeymoon fund. But given the choice, I'd rather get a thank you note saying:
 "It was so lovely of you to contribute to our honeymoon. We had a wonderful time on the snorkeling tour. The reefs we visited were teaming with various species. It made a memorable afternoon for us."
than
"Thank you so much for the generous gift. We put it to good use on your honeymoon."

gellchom

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #23 on: September 12, 2017, 03:05:07 PM »
I agree, don't assume that people with honeymoon registries wouldn't write perfectly nice thank you notes.  By the same token, though, although of course not every gift hits the mark, I also think it's rather unkind to refer to the tangible gifts people selected for you as "random junk" -- just as it would be to refer to experience gifts as "a silly waste of our time."  I'd like to think that anything received as a gift has a value other than its intrinsic worth.

Almost everyone getting married these days in the US has been living on their own for awhile and has household items; it's not unusual or an exception to anything.   

And I don't think it changes anything about how people feel about being asked directly, or almost directly, in the case of a honeymoon registry, for cash.  I am unimpressed by the wedding sites I've seen where the HC declares (often in an almost self-congratulating way) that they have only a honeymoon registry because they "have all the possessions they need."  To me, it feels like there is an unspoken message of "But we are just as entitled to your generosity as couples who do need things!  So we think that you should give the same amount to us, and we intend to spend it all of it right away on as luxurious and expensive a vacation as possible -- we'll just keep making it more and more expensive depending on how much we get."  I'll still send them a check, but I admit it doesn't give me as much pleasure as it does to give something they will use throughout their married life, or even cash that they are saving up for their life together or for experiences over the years.

Sure, of course we all want to get people gifts they will enjoy and appreciate.  But that doesn't mean that all gifts feel as comfortable for the giver.  No matter how much the person enjoys Nazi or Jim Crow memorabilia, sorry, I'm not going to buy them that.  That's obviously an intentionally very extreme example -- but the point is that the recipients' desires and preferences are the main concern, when choosing gifts, they are not the only concerns -- the givers' feelings matter, too.  Otherwise, it feels to many people that they are just answering an invoice or filling a shopping list.  As TootsNYC has wisely pointed out in previous discussions, gifts are not just the transfer of goods or money, they are a message of love and a way of establishing and strengthening connections between people.

In any case, though, the questions of how guests feel about things like honeymoon registries and what is gracious for HCs to do are two different questions!  I don't "punish" HCs who put registry info or even a request for cash right on the invitation; I'll send a check.  But that doesn't mean that I think that it looks especially nice.  It's like so many discussions we have on ehell: "Well, it wouldn't bother me if someone did X" and "But HCs wanting to do X doesn't make them greedy" don't answer the question whether it is polite or gracious or even just "correct" per etiquette to do X.  I willingly comply with many requests -- from cash requests to little stuff like addressing my own thank you note envelope -- that, if someone asked me for advice about, I would advise not to do.

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #24 on: September 12, 2017, 04:12:11 PM »
As TootsNYC has wisely pointed out in previous discussions, gifts are not just the transfer of goods or money, they are a message of love and a way of establishing and strengthening connections between people.

Yes, but quite a few posters seem to be focused not on a message of love but rather one of judgment. I don't see how giving a cast iron pan/embroidered throw pillow/crystal candleabra that the couple does not want or need establishes or strengthens a connection between the couple and the giver. I would think it would strengthen the connection to grasp that the HC actually really enjoys certain experiences, and to learn more about the HC as they relate their adventures to the giver of such experiences.

In addition, so many comments just make me wonder, "If you think so poorly of the HC to be making such assumptions about them, why would you ever consider attending their wedding or giving them anything?"

lakey

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #25 on: September 12, 2017, 04:23:42 PM »
First, I agree that it is unfair to assume that anyone won't write thank you notes.

Quote
But, I'm rather tired of the attitude that everyone who doesn't want a bunch of random junk filling up their homes is an ungrateful wretch. Teenagers aren't the ones getting married anymore. Sorry to say it, but the average married couple has been on their own long enough that they really don't need serving platters, cookware or garden tools. The gracious ones accept those things with heartfelt thanks anyway. But, I can tell you 10 years later that I 100% remember specifically who gave me the hot air balloon ride but have no idea who gave me the extra set of pans that literally did sit in my basement for 7 years. Or the plates and glasses that were regifted to my newly graduated cousins.

Please don't refer to gifts that well-intentioned people have given you as "random junk filling up your home".
In any case, I think the solution to a lot of this is to limit the guest list to people who know you well enough to understand that as  30 year olds who have lived on their own for years, you won't need household stuff, or people who know you well enough to know what your hobbies and lifestyle is and can come up with good gift ideas.
I'm saying this as someone who  always gives a check as a wedding gifts because the people whose wedding I'm invited to are almost always as you described them.

Fawkes

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #26 on: September 13, 2017, 06:34:26 AM »
Wow, this got lively!

To me, the reason this sort of website registry is so awful is because they come across asÖ.flashy and kind-of show off-y. As Iíve said previously in this thread, itís not actually the preference for cash thatís so off-putting. If they wanted to ask for cash I would have had far lesser issue to one simple line at end of the invitation saying ĎWe have a honeymoon fund, if you would like to contribute to it as your gift to us that would be wonderfulí. The website registry is just so completely unnecessary, and rather gauche in my opinion.

I am going to be completely honest and say that my assessment of this particular situation is probably affected by the fact that the couple in question are part of my immediate close peer group, and, though I know we arenít supposed to allow things like this to be a factor, they are very well off. Additionally, the particular holiday that they are suggesting their wedding guests help to fund is exceptionally extravagant. When you know the financial status of people, you canít help but have feelings about situations like this, and honestly, from a social etiquette perspective isnít that one of the reasons you arenít supposed to do stuff like this in the first place?

Letís face it, money is probably the most useful to many couples who have been living together already for years! Itís the unnecessarily brazen website in itself that Iím struggling with. It just comes across as in very poor taste. Does any of this makes sense? Iím not sure I am fully explaining myself properly. Itís just the moment that I realised what it was my internal squick-o-meter went Ďnopeí. I'm sure the couple just thought it was cute and perhaps didn't put too much thought into how it might come across. I really have never seen anything like it before and didn't realise it was common at all.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2017, 06:36:01 AM by Fawkes »

rose red

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #27 on: September 13, 2017, 07:00:37 AM »
To me, it sounds like "Well, we can't ask for cash. That's tacky!" So they thought if people want to give gifts, it can be an experience gift. It's like how people think gift cards look better than just handing over a wad of cash even though it's the same thing.

edited for spelling.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2017, 08:24:53 AM by rose red »

TurtleDove

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #28 on: September 13, 2017, 07:44:12 AM »

I am going to be completely honest and say that my assessment of this particular situation is probably affected by the fact that the couple in question are part of my immediate close peer group, and, though I know we arenít supposed to allow things like this to be a factor, they are very well off. Additionally, the particular holiday that they are suggesting their wedding guests help to fund is exceptionally extravagant. When you know the financial status of people, you canít help but have feelings about situations like this, and honestly, from a social etiquette perspective isnít that one of the reasons you arenít supposed to do stuff like this in the first place?


I don't see what the "financial status" of the couple has to do with anything. A wedding is not a charity occasion where one decides whom to celebrate based on perceived need. If (general) you begrudge a couple their perceived wealth, and it upsets you to see them having or doing things you feel to be too extravagant, then that's your choice and you certainly don't have to give anyone anything. But to proclaim those who you perceive to be financially well off as somehow violating social etiquette  because of that perceived wealth comes across as jealous to me.

Zizi-K

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Re: Honeymoon registry bait and switch
« Reply #29 on: September 13, 2017, 08:14:55 AM »
To me, it sounds like "Well, we can ask for cash. That's tacky!" So they thought if people want to give gifts, it can be an experience gift. It's like how people think gift cards look better than jut handing over a wad of cash even though it's the same thing.

I think this is exactly right. This couple doesn't need "stuff", but they also believe they shouldn't just ask for cash. Many people have probably asked them for their registry, so they probably settled on the honeymoon fund as something that would give people a direction for their gift-giving.

All of this would have been circumvented had the couple simply omitted this information from their invitation. Gift preference information does not go on an invitation! It would have been entirely different had they just sent a regular invitation. If the OP or someone else got curious and asked them about their registry, it would have an entirely different tone for them to reply, "well, we do have a honeymoon registry (or, we are hoping to get contributions towards the honeymoon), but otherwise we don't have a preference."

I personally don't feel strongly about honeymoon registries, other than its a waste of money to give a cut to the middle man. I give physical objects at showers and cash at weddings. However they want to spend that money is up to them!