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  • November 21, 2017, 11:52:05 PM

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Author Topic: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid  (Read 4338 times)

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MeowMixer

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Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« on: October 01, 2017, 01:13:36 PM »
Hello E-Hell Community!

It has been a long time since I've posted, but I haven't been this irked by something in a long time, and I can't even.

Backstory - Brother in law and fiancÚ are having a destination wedding. It's a small fortune to go to this (like brand new low end vehicle purchase) and with my hubby being his brother/best man it's not like we had a choice in saying no (without causing a major family rift anyway). No joke we are spending more money attending this than we did our own wedding. It's not even a legally recognized wedding. I just found out they'll be doing a city hall thing and having another reception when we come back. But they're family. So, you bite your tongue, right?

Until I got the shower invitation 3 days ago. Shaking down all the friends and family spending thousands of dollars on this. What is in the card? *Mr and Ms are registered at <stupid expensive kitchen gadget place>. Still don't know what to get them? Mr and Ms would certainly appreciate cash as they plan to buy a house. *

Hosted by, MIL and Mom.

I don't want to go. I was asked by MIL yesterday if I received the invite. I said 'yes I did', and nothing more. I'm married to the grey(used to be black, the relationship has warmed in the last few years) sheep of the family, so most of the time we just ignore everything that comes from that side of the family, but I am just flabbergasted.

So, what do I do? I was only planning on giving a small cash wedding gift, but this bridal shower shake down has me twitching. Do I rsvp 'No' with no explanation. Do I just send a card? Do I assume a new identity and start a new life as a rail boxcar hobo? I'm leaning towards hobo...

please help. Or even if there is no advice please tell me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. Hubby doesn't understand, he just keeps saying this is a once in a life time experience so go with it.

Thank you

Zizi-K

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2017, 01:33:57 PM »
An invitation is not a summons! If you don't want to go, you don't have to. And neither are you obligated to give a reason.

"I regret that I will not be able to attend."

That's it!

(Despite the familial relationships, this was also true for the wedding. If you can't afford it and don't want to go--"I'm sorry, I wish we could attend, but that is not possible for us right now."

If you do get pressured into going to the shower, I would buy them a garlic press and be done with it. A sub-$15 gift.

Chez Miriam

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2017, 02:16:56 PM »
I'm with Zizi-K - a garlic press is a wonderful thing!

I would start the discussion with your husband about him attending the wedding on his own: if he feels honoured to be best man, and wants to go, he should - doesn't mean you need to attend.  And if the price is too steep, Zizi-K is absolutely right: don't bankrupt yourselves to fulfil other people's idea of a perfect day!

I'm married to the less-favoured child [he's not a black sheep, but we've been made plenty aware that he's second best], and I think that your family now is you and your husband.  His family-of-origin don't get to dictate how you spend your money.  If you want to go, great!  If you don't want to go, great [but polish up that spine]...  If you want to spend a fortune in the insanely-priced kitchen shop, great!  But I'm with the garlic press. ;) ;D  I wouldn't spend more on someone else's wedding than we did on our own [we had the small wedding we could afford, and did not solicit cash from anyone].  No way, no chance, nope.

Seriously, I don't have any advice to offer [other than stand firm on what you decide], but want to offer {{hugs}}, and best wishes for the least upset for you and your husband.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

gramma dishes

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2017, 02:40:40 PM »
Just out of curiosity, was your husband asked to be the best man before or after you all knew the wedding was going to be a super expensive location wedding?

I can't even begin to imagine spending more on someone else's wedding than I did on my own!   :o

doodlemor

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2017, 02:54:10 PM »
I'd be irritated too.  A registry is traditionally just suggestions, not mandatory.  If you go to the shower, feel free to get her whatever you want.

If they haven't lived together long enough to acquire some useful stuff, I dare you to get them some tools at the local hardware store like a hammer, some screwdrivers, and some all purpose nails.

"I'm married to the grey(used to be black, the relationship has warmed in the last few years) sheep of the family".....

It sounds like your DH may have had a difficult upbringing.  If so, he would probably benefit from some sort of therapy.

Luci

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2017, 05:13:57 PM »
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.

If your husband feels he can't back out of the best man gig, let him go by himself. I really can't find the right words to express the selfishness and thoughtlessness of the couple.

Let's hear it for the garlic press!


Harriet Jones

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2017, 06:19:29 PM »
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.

If your husband feels he can't back out of the best man gig, let him go by himself. I really can't find the right words to express the selfishness and thoughtlessness of the couple.

Let's hear it for the garlic press!

I think OP's point is that the destination wedding is not legal.  I'm assuming the city hall wedding is.


Runningstar

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2017, 07:22:41 PM »
Just out of curiosity, was your husband asked to be the best man before or after you all knew the wedding was going to be a super expensive location wedding?

This is the question that I would consider to be very important!!  But also and in any case -having to spend too much money is a very valid reason to cancel on being in the wedding.  If it means so much to the couple, then dh could stand as best man at the civil ceremony if it is local. 






lakey

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2017, 10:26:34 PM »
Give them a nice set of matching potholders and kitchen towels.  Or a nice card with a twenty dollar bill in it, "toward their home purchase".
I'm only partly kidding. I can't think of anything more shallow and self-centered than expecting your guests to spend thousands of dollars to attend your wedding.
Then they top it off by asking for cash for the shower? Because it's your role to fund their buying a house? These people view you as a source of funds.

Seriously, I'd have a good discussion with your husband about how important it is to him to maintain this improving relationship with his greedy, shallow family. If he's genuinely okay with it, I'd RSVP "no" to the shower.

I think part of the reason for the increasing greediness and self-centeredness of marrying couples is that friends and relatives don't want to say "no" to unreasonable demands.

gellchom

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2017, 12:12:22 AM »
Destination weddings are often very expensive for guests.  It can amount to a luxury vacation for two people, and that can indeed cost as much as a car.  That's one reason I'm not a fan of them in most circumstances.  But at least here on ehell at least they are not considered rude per se.  I do sympathize with the large expense for the OP, although she didn't say they couldn't afford it (luckily), just that it costs more than her own wedding did.  I can see that rankling, but I wouldn't agree that no one should ever spend more to attend than they did on their own wedding -- what if you had a tiny City Hall wedding?  You'd never attend one that required an airfare.

I also think the shower invitation wording is appalling.  But the bare fact of being invited to a shower just because the wedding is expensive to attend?  Not really.  Wouldn't she be insulted if she weren't included in her future sister-in-law's shower?  I don't see it as a "shake down" any more than any other shower.  The "stupidity" of the store where they are registered and the crass cash request are meaningless -- just ignore them and get whatever you ordinarily would as a shower gift.  You don't have to buy something they registered.  Get a cookbook or an apron or a garlic press or whatever.  Boycotting would make a major negative statement you may well regret, if only for your husband's sake, given what you said about how he feels about all this.

While you're shopping, maybe consider getting a wedding gift instead of the small check.  Cash seems to me kind of impersonal from brother to brother.  I'd spend the same amount on something tangible.  Just my opinion.  Anyway, probably your husband should decide what's best for his own brother's wedding gift.  Maybe cash is customary in their family.

Also irrelevant: the civil ceremony one time and the BWW another time.  Many people disapprove of that, but as the OP correctly notes, it's really no skin off her nose.

This wedding seems to have traveled into a "sitch eating crackers" zone.  Do you dislike or resent the bride and/or groom for some other reason?

iridaceae

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #10 on: October 02, 2017, 06:29:33 AM »
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.


Somehow I don't think someone who's going to get married at city hall cares much if God recognises their marriage or not. Or if others think God won't find it valid.

In any case, it's a red herring; the OP meant that the wedding is taking place at city hall not in Fiji or wherever where it will be a vow exchange or whatever the term is.

OP, you're irritated enough before spending the money (I would be about this) that I'd simply decline. "Sorry, we've realized this just isn't going to be possible". Trying to be fiscally responsible is about good a reason as there is not to go.
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Tea Drinker

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #11 on: October 02, 2017, 07:58:55 AM »
No, you're not crazy.

Beyond that, the destination wedding might be a once in a lifetime experience (either in terms of his brother will only get married once, or that you've agreed to go to X resort, so dive in and enjoy it). The wedding shower is not. It's true that I don't think any of my friends even had a wedding shower (not even the three whose wedding parties I was in, so it's not that people didn't bother to invite me), but if rarity makes something a once-in-a-lifetime experience, then  being my husband's "responsible adult of his choosing" to take him home after dental surgery is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

"My brother is getting married once [because he hopes that the marriage will last] and wants me to be part of it" is a reason for him to go. It might be a reason for you to go along: though "MeowMixer would have liked to join me, but we're saving for a house payment and didn't have the money for two airfares" would be a plausible thing to say even if your brother-in-law wasn't saving up for a house himself. Ditto "I wish she could have joined us, but we have to pay the mortgage" or "she just can't take vacation in $month" or "is saving her vacation time to visit her grandmother." Just stick to "I wish she could be here, but it just wasn't possible" and a change of topic rather than "if they'd gotten married back in $hometown, she'd have been happy to attend," because that invites an argument about who's being selfish.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

gellchom

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #12 on: October 02, 2017, 10:23:10 AM »
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.


Somehow I don't think someone who's going to get married at city hall cares much if God recognises their marriage or not. Or if others think God won't find it valid.

I think that's an unfair assumption.  I have several friends who have had to do exactly that because of legal barriers to having their state-recognized marriage performed where they live. 

lmyrs

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #13 on: October 02, 2017, 11:50:57 AM »
I don't understand why the couple is horribly selfish for wanting a destination wedding, yet the DH is not horribly selfish for wanting to go. Shouldn't DH be more invested in his and OP's finances than his brother is? If DH wants it, why is brother the bad guy?

People can register wherever they want and you don't have to buy them something from there.


... It's true that I don't think any of my friends even had a wedding shower (not even the three whose wedding parties I was in, so it's not that people didn't bother to invite me), ...

Isn't it usually the job of the bridal party to at least help in planning a bridal shower? If you didn't plan one for your friend when you were in the wedding party, it's no wonder that she didn't have one.

Chez Miriam

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #14 on: October 02, 2017, 11:53:22 AM »
please help. Or even if there is no advice please tell me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. Hubby doesn't understand, he just keeps saying this is a once in a life time experience so go with it.

Thank you

You're not crazy, but you know that anyway, right?

If you are going to attend [and I was one of the posters suggesting you let your husband go by himself], can you 're-phrase' it in your mind as that once in a lifetime experience: you're going for 1 or 2 weeks to paradise [or its Earthly equivalent], and the wedding will take up half a day of that time.  It's like visiting an attraction to please your husband when "car-radiator-caps from 1903-1957" really isn't your thing.  If you can persuade your mind that it will be a lovely holiday, with one small chore thrown in for a half-day, it might make it better for you?

Of course, if they're one of those couples that demand much more obeisance than that [not saying they are/will be, but I've read some horror stories on the internet], this is the perfect opportunity to practise your "that will not be possible".  I can't think (of the top of my head) what more they could demand ask of you, but I definitely recall happy couples 'needing' much more time than a ceremony and reception requires.

My friend is having a (to me) destination wedding; were I able to magic* up the funds, I would totally spend three weeks in the Antipodes and visit every last person I know over there.  I suspect there are two massive differences about how I feel: the lovely M is a truly wonderful friend, who I am blessed to know, and she comes from a small soggy island [as do I], but it just happens to be half a planet away.  She's doing it so all her family and growing-up friends can be there, and was apologetic and gracious in equal measures when she (verbally) invited me, stating that she knows a lot of her UK friends won't be able to make it, and she will totally understand when we decline.

If I could, I would, but then she's never treated me/husband like any-coloured ovine!

* It's going to take magic to find the spare cash to fly to the other side of the world, but were I to manage that I would.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich