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  • November 24, 2017, 04:48:23 PM

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Author Topic: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid  (Read 4389 times)

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Semperviren

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #15 on: October 02, 2017, 01:55:10 PM »
I just found out they'll be doing a city hall thing and having another reception when we come back. But they're family. So, you bite your tongue, right?


Just to clarify- they are having a "ceremony" at the destination which is not official in any way, then getting officially getting married at a city hall/ reception thing when they return? Or it will be a city hall marriage at the destination (I know some countries require a "civil" marriage ceremony to make it "legal")?

Either way, all this sounds terribly greedy, but I think I'd feel extra pissed to be on the receiving end of family pressure to spend a fortune to be at a destination wedding that was purely "for show" to begin with.

I'm not against destination weddings, but I think it's on the HC to be very, very understanding when people cannot be there; obviously it can be expensive, arduous and time consuming. It seems like a pretty dirty trick get people to travel all that way for a phaux ceremony.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2017, 03:04:08 PM »

 But they're family. So, you bite your tongue, right?


No.  You shine your spine and say, "sorry I/we are unable to attend"

If DH has committed to be in the wedding I think he has to attend.  If you choose not to attend then don't go.  But also be prepared for blowback from family (possibly including DH). 

I also detest destination weddings but I have the spine to just say no.  Feelings have been hurt and unkind things whispered.  My family's finances are my business and I have no problem saying no to someone else spending my hard earned money, period.

   



 




MeowMixer

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2017, 05:14:03 PM »
Thank you all, very, very much for the clarity.

I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.


So to answer the questions - yes, we knew it was a destination wedding before hubby was asked to be best man. We talked it over and said we'll make that our overdue vacation, it will be fun, it's more than just the wedding. And yes, we *can* afford it. Cut back in places to put money off to the side so thankfully it is all paid for. Then came the invitation for the bachelorette party (was not in country at the time so I could rsvp 'no') then came talk of making it legal at city hall when they come back and the discussion that they're going to have another reception in home city after that. Then there was the topic of which weekend they should have their Jack and Jill. The bridal shower insert was that thing that sparked the keg in me.

I'm also not at all saying they're having a destination wedding makes them horribly selfish, I have zero qualms about that, what gets me is the amount of other things we're expected to chip in to.

Hubby's family is a giving family in that, the more they give you the more they expect accolades. We never ask for favours, we never go into that debt, it's not worth the headache. The more someone buys for you, the more you are loved (Xmas FSIL gets jewelry, I get socks). Future sister in law is marrying the golden child adored by both parents so whenever either of these two do anything magical rainbows appear and they bend over backwards for them. While I acknowledge this has gone on forever, I let it roll off my back just like my hubby does, we truly don't care, but that insert just triggered something so ugly in me I really thought I'd lose it.

With that said I have decided I am going to drop off a small present at the inlaws when I'm back in the city and give my regrets that I will not be able to attend. And Zizi-K, thank you, garlic press it is!


mime

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #18 on: October 02, 2017, 07:33:19 PM »
I think you have a good plan-- giving a small gift may be the price you have to pay for the satisfaction of knowing that you didn't completely ignore the celebration, but didn't give in to an expensive gift-grab.

I can totally see how you were thinking "OK, we're due for a vacation and Jamaica (or wherever) would be really awesome, so let's do it!" Then the scope of this whole circus keeps expanding and nobody but you seems interested in reigning it in. So you're left wondering how much more you'll be expected to give of your time and your money for a couple who (like many HCs, it seems) don't seem to understand that this is The Event of the Year for *them,* not for *everyone*. It especially stings when you are clearly the unfavored-ones in the family!

As the plans go on, figure out your limit of time and money you're going to spend on the whole wedding and related festivities, and don't cross that line. I'm guessing you'll never possibly be able to give enough to satisfy them.

And if I understand correctly that your stepsister's is getting pressure from her parents to go on this trip while she is on public assistance for basic necessities, they should be ashamed of themselves.

VorFemme

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #19 on: October 02, 2017, 07:35:55 PM »
If the garlic press looks tiny by itself - add a small spice rack to it - a kitchen needs a spice rack, even if nobody cooks:  garlic for toast with dinner, cinnamon for toast with breakfast, salt & pepper, and a few of the more common spices - just to have them if a dish needs a touch of extra flavor.  But nobody says that it has to be the huge gourmet spice rack with fenugreek, whole cloves, whole nutmeg, vanilla beans, and saffron included.  (These are the ones that I can name off the top of my head that are either not commonly seen or are more expensive.)

Even a kitchen where nobody cooks looks more like a real kitchen with a few spices in the cabinets or on a rack on the wall!
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gellchom

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #20 on: October 02, 2017, 09:53:17 PM »
I guess I am missing something. 

This is the OP's husband's brother, as close a relative as you can get.  He is the best man, so presumably they're reasonably close.

The OP says she and her husband can afford the trip for the wedding and are looking forward to it.

She didn't have to go to a bachelorette party as she was out of town.

And now she's invited to a shower.  It doesn't appear to require travel.  What's the big deal about that?  Of course they invited her to the shower.

She says the insert is what put her over the edge, and I certainly agree it's repellent. But it's nothing to be "livid" about and to boycott the shower over.  Just ignore it and buy a gift that your budget permits.  Don't skimp just to make a point, though.  You don't have to spend a lot, but choose with a generous spirit, as you would for a friend, not something intended to look small to prove how inferior their values are.

The "golden boy" theme keeps coming up, too.  I get the feeling that the OP has strong negative feelings about her husband's family -- and I'm not saying they aren't 100% justified!  But I just don't see anything so terrible about the wedding (unless you are just utterly opposed to destination weddings) or shower themselves.

Think very carefully before using your BIL's wedding to try to make a statement or criticism.  Weddings loom large in emotions and memories, and you are going to be family for a very long time. Your husband, not they, will pay for any needless negativity thrown on this wedding.  You will never regret being your best, kindest self.

cross_patch

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #21 on: October 03, 2017, 02:05:51 AM »
The marriage is legally recognized, not valid in the eyes of God to many.

If your husband feels he can't back out of the best man gig, let him go by himself. I really can't find the right words to express the selfishness and thoughtlessness of the couple.

Let's hear it for the garlic press!

What?

I guess I am missing something. 

This is the OP's husband's brother, as close a relative as you can get.  He is the best man, so presumably they're reasonably close.

The OP says she and her husband can afford the trip for the wedding and are looking forward to it.

She didn't have to go to a bachelorette party as she was out of town.

And now she's invited to a shower.  It doesn't appear to require travel.  What's the big deal about that?  Of course they invited her to the shower.

She says the insert is what put her over the edge, and I certainly agree it's repellent. But it's nothing to be "livid" about and to boycott the shower over.  Just ignore it and buy a gift that your budget permits.  Don't skimp just to make a point, though.  You don't have to spend a lot, but choose with a generous spirit, as you would for a friend, not something intended to look small to prove how inferior their values are.

The "golden boy" theme keeps coming up, too.  I get the feeling that the OP has strong negative feelings about her husband's family -- and I'm not saying they aren't 100% justified!  But I just don't see anything so terrible about the wedding (unless you are just utterly opposed to destination weddings) or shower themselves.

Think very carefully before using your BIL's wedding to try to make a statement or criticism.  Weddings loom large in emotions and memories, and you are going to be family for a very long time. Your husband, not they, will pay for any needless negativity thrown on this wedding.  You will never regret being your best, kindest self.

I completely agree with this - to be honest, I donít see (beyond the insert) what theyíve done thatís so appalling.

gramma dishes

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #22 on: October 03, 2017, 08:53:00 AM »


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I donít see (beyond the insert) what theyíve done thatís so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.




 



MagnesiumOxide

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #23 on: October 03, 2017, 09:05:04 AM »
They seem like materialistic greedy guts to me and I can understand the frustration, especially with the family stuff we don't even know about.

I like your garlic press idea, but if you can't find one, maybe just get her some socks.   ;D

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #24 on: October 03, 2017, 09:11:28 AM »
I get the vibe that the golden child is marrying the platinum princess and like other pp's have said - it is the wedding of the century - for THEM. 

It's very hard when you are not the golden child or even the silver child in a family where your participation is expected for everything the preferred child does; even if it is morally (or just plain common sense) objective to you.  YOU should be supportive after all this is faaaammmily; we all know the drill and the tone. 

I also understand your reaction to the continued demands of time and/or money.  Draw the line, shine your spine and do the minimum YOU feel required to participate in.  Someone's offended, well crud that's their reaction, not your problem.  Just as you are offended over the insert, acknowledge your anger/aggravation and move on.

I also agree with many pp's about the gift.  There was a suggested list; buy off of it or don't but good gravy don't let this get in your head anymore.  A good garlic press is a lovely gift as is a spice rack or generic blanket, giving a useful gift is never wrong. 

Enjoy the trip and good luck.   Let the other carp go, let it go, let it go and enjoy your DH's companionship on the trip.   

lmyrs

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2017, 10:16:09 AM »


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I donít see (beyond the insert) what theyíve done thatís so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.



I think that's a great example of appalling behaviour by step-dad. Not by brother.

Two Ravens

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #26 on: October 03, 2017, 10:20:30 AM »


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I donít see (beyond the insert) what theyíve done thatís so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.



I think that's a great example of appalling behaviour by step-dad. Not by brother.

I don't think it speaks well of anyone, but I would be livid at the step sister if she's denying her child food in order to cave to family pressure.

gellchom

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #27 on: October 03, 2017, 10:34:26 AM »


I completely agree with this - to be honest, I donít see (beyond the insert) what theyíve done thatís so appalling.

How about this:


I wrote this after speaking with my hubby's step-sister (who was guilted heavily into going by her dad- hubby and bil's stepdad - into going even though she's on assistance and is basically going without groceries for her and her child but that's another story) and tried desperately not to divulge a whole list of grievances in my post. Believe me, I could write a book about these people.



I meant, and I believe crosspatch meant, what they've done specifically about this wedding that affects the OP.

As I acknowledged, they certainly may be awful or spoiled or selfish or inconsiderate or unfair people.  The OP says she could write a book. 

But that doesn't really change whether the wedding or shower is objectively rude.  It's human nature for our opinions of actions to be colored by our opinions of and history with the actors -- we all have our witches eating crackers. 

And the bottom line is still only that (1) they're having a destination wedding and (2) they put an obnoxious insert in an invitation.  I don't like those things, either, but I don't think it's rude or something to be "livid" about.  I don't think she can call them out on it (everyone already knows about both those things anyway) without it making her, not them, look bad.  I'd say to go to the shower and wedding, give decent (not lavish, but not pointedly minuscule) gifts, and keep your opinions to yourself -- you can remind yourself that everyone else probably shares your reaction anyway!

I think the OP will be very glad if she doesn't do anything deliberately to make trouble, criticize, or otherwise crank up the drama around her husband's brother's wedding.  And I'm pretty sure her husband will appreciate it.

bah12

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #28 on: October 03, 2017, 12:46:40 PM »
I get being irritated, but I think the livid-ness of the reaction has to be stemming from somewhere else.  If you knew that it was a destination wedding before agreeing to be a part of it, you can afford it, etc, then why so angry?  Even if I agree that registering at only a super expensive kitchen gadget store and stating that cash is acceptable is tacky, this isn't something that would get me over-the-top angry.  My guess is that there's stress, relationship issues with the IL's or something else that this wedding/shower is being blamed for.

You don't have to go to the shower if you don't want to go.  You don't have to give a reason.  You don't have to give a gift, but if you choose to do, there should be plenty of lower cost kitchen gadgets even in an expensive store.

I don't see what this couple did that is so wrong.  Destination weddings are not inherently rude and they don't replace the other traditional pre-wedding activities such as bachelor/bachelorette parties and showers.  It doesn't matter if their wedding/reception is a legally binding one or if they go to the courthouse before hand and sign paperwork there.  It's a celebration and you either are ok being there to celebrate or you aren't.   

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Need advice/someone to talk me down because I'm livid
« Reply #29 on: October 03, 2017, 12:58:52 PM »
A destination wedding in and of itself is not rude.  It is rude if the happy couple insists on certain people being there and/or getting upset when certain people can't make it due to financial considerations.  The legalities of it are neither here nor there; it is very typical for destination weddings to not be legal in the country of origin for the happy couple, who then have to do the city hall thing to make it legal.  Nor is it unusual to have a second reception for those people who couldn't make the destination.

The shower, while a little over the line etiquette wise, isn't essentially rude.

Personally, I'd bail on the wedding for myself, send my husband to keep the family piece and attend the shower with the lowest cost kitchen gadget I can find on their registry.  Or find some other people going to the shower and go in on a larger gift as a group.

If I have learned anything over the last couple of years, it is to let 'livid' go as much as possible.  And not express that livid to the person(s) at which it is directed.  I've written a lot of letters that will never be sent, just to get the crap out of my head.  And I'm probably going to print them off and have a ceremonial burning at some point.  Might be something to consider.
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