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Author Topic: Please don't invite extra people  (Read 7019 times)

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Semperviren

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #30 on: October 06, 2017, 11:43:50 AM »
If this has been ongoing - Aunt might ask - oh when is Thanksgiving Dinner.  She has probably assumed that she is invited. 

I think you have to take a break or host on a different day to break the cycle.  I also think it would be a kindness to call Aunt and dis invite her. I would to have assumed that I was included and show up and be treated with surprise.

My MIL did that to my parents and it was very uncomfortable.

A different situation, my parents were coming for XMAS.   MIL usually had a family command performance at XMAS but isn't a welcoming type person to other guests. 
DH talked to her and said POF's parents ( who live 12 hours away ) are visiting at XMAS.
I know you prefer only family on XMAS, so we will be staying home on XMAS day. We will see you and everyone else in the New Year.  MIL said - why can't you come by yourselves ? DH replied that isn't nice and not going to happen.  So she called back and said please come and bring your parents.  When we arrived - she asked surprised and said there wasn't enough seating and made a big stink.

Oof. That's terrible.

Chez Miriam

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #31 on: October 06, 2017, 11:44:51 AM »
BIL's ears must have been burning because he just texted me to ask what is happening for Thanksgiving this year. I suggested we have the function at a restaurant. That is what is happening. In these situations he has the habit of announcing to table that he and my DH will split the bill and pay for everyone. (Without discussing it with DH ahead of time) This time I mentioned that we need to find a place that suits everyone's budget since we will only be paying for our own meals. I think the main problem with my BIL and SIL is that since they never host they don't understand the concept of more people coming equals more food and more cooking. It's not that I would want them to host so that has led up to this situation.

That sounds like a great solution; I hope it goes well for you.  Should give you a great break from cooking, and may work out cheaper [well for you and your husband, at least!].
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

gramma dishes

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #32 on: October 06, 2017, 11:47:58 AM »
BIL's ears must have been burning because he just texted me to ask what is happening for Thanksgiving this year. I suggested we have the function at a restaurant. That is what is happening. In these situations he has the habit of announcing to table that he and my DH will split the bill and pay for everyone. (Without discussing it with DH ahead of time) This time I mentioned that we need to find a place that suits everyone's budget since we will only be paying for our own meals. I think the main problem with my BIL and SIL is that since they never host they don't understand the concept of more people coming equals more food and more cooking. It's not that I would want them to host so that has led up to this situation.

It sounds like he's amenable to the new concept of Thanksgiving at a restaurant and that's good.  I'm glad you had the foresight to mention that everyone will be responsible for paying their own way.

QueenfaninCA

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #33 on: October 06, 2017, 12:46:35 PM »
My BIL and BIL's wife and SIL and SIL's husband are not able to host any family functions. BIL lives in a small apartment, SIL is a hoarder with a rat infestation. As a result, all family celebrations are hosted by myself and DH. For sanitary reasons they can't even be potluck. Three times over the past couple of years, we have been in the middle of hosting a family celebration when DH's aunt, cousin and cousin's three children have arrived expectantly. Of course it is difficult to host 5 unexpected guests that come empty handed with hearty appetites. It is apparent that either DH's sister or brother have been extending the invitation to these family members without asking or notifying us. I didn't feel comfortable turning them away at the door because they had to drive 2 hours to get to our home and they seemed unaware that they weren't expected. Honestly I don't want to host such a large group. Other than these get togethers the aunt and cousin don't have anything to do with us. As we approach the Thanksgiving and Christmas season is there a way that I can tell BIL and SIL them not to invite an extra people without sounding snarky? I don't have any idea which one of them did the inviting so I don't want to sound accusatory.

I bolded 2 items that are contradictory. You say you are fully hosting these events, so I assume that neither BIL or SIL are bringing anything. But then you criticize the other people for showing up empty handed. Either you are fully hosting, or you expect everyone to bring something. Expecting that some people get a free ride but others have to pay is not good.

I disagree. It's bad etiquette to show up to a meal empty-handed. If it is not a potluck, you bring a box of chocolates, flowers, a bottle of wine or some other type of hostess gift. Especially if you show up with 5 people.

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #34 on: October 06, 2017, 02:41:28 PM »
My BIL and BIL's wife and SIL and SIL's husband are not able to host any family functions. BIL lives in a small apartment, SIL is a hoarder with a rat infestation. As a result, all family celebrations are hosted by myself and DH. For sanitary reasons they can't even be potluck. Three times over the past couple of years, we have been in the middle of hosting a family celebration when DH's aunt, cousin and cousin's three children have arrived expectantly. Of course it is difficult to host 5 unexpected guests that come empty handed with hearty appetites. It is apparent that either DH's sister or brother have been extending the invitation to these family members without asking or notifying us. I didn't feel comfortable turning them away at the door because they had to drive 2 hours to get to our home and they seemed unaware that they weren't expected. Honestly I don't want to host such a large group. Other than these get togethers the aunt and cousin don't have anything to do with us. As we approach the Thanksgiving and Christmas season is there a way that I can tell BIL and SIL them not to invite an extra people without sounding snarky? I don't have any idea which one of them did the inviting so I don't want to sound accusatory.

I would have stopped this after the first ONE. 

I love that you are moving to a restaurant this year, that has worked for us in years past also.  I come from a large family and it is not unusual for us to have 30 plus for TGiving dinner.  Potluck, fully hosted, whatever, it takes more food, room and extra chairs.  I like to move it around from host to host and/or restaurant, I don't know where some people get the idea that once you host successfully it's yours forever.  :o 

And in the future when extending invitations I would clearly state, "this invitation is for x, y & z, please do not add anyone to your invitation."    Wow.

 

GardenGal

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #35 on: October 06, 2017, 03:09:06 PM »
BIL's ears must have been burning because he just texted me to ask what is happening for Thanksgiving this year. I suggested we have the function at a restaurant. That is what is happening. In these situations he has the habit of announcing to table that he and my DH will split the bill and pay for everyone. (Without discussing it with DH ahead of time) This time I mentioned that we need to find a place that suits everyone's budget since we will only be paying for our own meals. I think the main problem with my BIL and SIL is that since they never host they don't understand the concept of more people coming equals more food and more cooking. It's not that I would want them to host so that has led up to this situation.

This is a great update!  Have you worked out who is going to make the reservation? I think it might also help get across the idea that people will pay for themselves if you can email everyone a link to the restaurant's website with a note that says "Here's the lovely place we'll all meet for Thanksgiving dinner.  BIL will make the reservation for (list of name of people you plan in having, not including aunt's family). To simplify things, we'll be getting one bill per couple; they take cash and credit cards (no checks). Looking forward blah, blah, blah."
"No matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Banzai

gramma dishes

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #36 on: October 06, 2017, 07:14:25 PM »
...  My MIL did that to my parents and it was very uncomfortable.

A different situation, my parents were coming for XMAS.   MIL usually had a family command performance at XMAS but isn't a welcoming type person to other guests. 
DH talked to her and said POF's parents ( who live 12 hours away ) are visiting at XMAS.
I know you prefer only family on XMAS, so we will be staying home on XMAS day. We will see you and everyone else in the New Year.  MIL said - why can't you come by yourselves ? DH replied that isn't nice and not going to happen.  So she called back and said please come and bring your parents.  When we arrived - she asked surprised and said there wasn't enough seating and made a big stink.

And you all stayed?   ???

gmatoy

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #37 on: October 06, 2017, 11:12:59 PM »
...  My MIL did that to my parents and it was very uncomfortable.

A different situation, my parents were coming for XMAS.   MIL usually had a family command performance at XMAS but isn't a welcoming type person to other guests. 
DH talked to her and said POF's parents ( who live 12 hours away ) are visiting at XMAS.
I know you prefer only family on XMAS, so we will be staying home on XMAS day. We will see you and everyone else in the New Year.  MIL said - why can't you come by yourselves ? DH replied that isn't nice and not going to happen.  So she called back and said please come and bring your parents.  When we arrived - she asked surprised and said there wasn't enough seating and made a big stink.

And you all stayed?   ???

Well, I know I wouldn't have!

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #38 on: October 07, 2017, 12:13:31 AM »

My MIL did that to my parents and it was very uncomfortable.

A different situation, my parents were coming for XMAS.   MIL usually had a family command performance at XMAS but isn't a welcoming type person to other guests. 
DH talked to her and said POF's parents ( who live 12 hours away ) are visiting at XMAS.
I know you prefer only family on XMAS, so we will be staying home on XMAS day. We will see you and everyone else in the New Year.  MIL said - why can't you come by yourselves ? DH replied that isn't nice and not going to happen.  So she called back and said please come and bring your parents.  When we arrived - she asked surprised and said there wasn't enough seating and made a big stink.

That strikes me as a bait and switch. A very rude and mean thing to do to your parents (and yourself).

bloo

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #39 on: October 07, 2017, 07:11:55 AM »

My MIL did that to my parents and it was very uncomfortable.

A different situation, my parents were coming for XMAS.   MIL usually had a family command performance at XMAS but isn't a welcoming type person to other guests. 
DH talked to her and said POF's parents ( who live 12 hours away ) are visiting at XMAS.
I know you prefer only family on XMAS, so we will be staying home on XMAS day. We will see you and everyone else in the New Year.  MIL said - why can't you come by yourselves ? DH replied that isn't nice and not going to happen.  So she called back and said please come and bring your parents.  When we arrived - she asked surprised and said there wasn't enough seating and made a big stink.

That strikes me as a bait and switch. A very rude and mean thing to do to your parents (and yourself).

If my parents pulled that on my family I'd have reddened (or at least a shade of pink) their ears and let them know they were in danger of future invitations being declined.

I did that to my dad. The story is too long but it worked.

POF

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #40 on: October 07, 2017, 08:00:48 AM »
...  My MIL did that to my parents and it was very uncomfortable.

A different situation, my parents were coming for XMAS.   MIL usually had a family command performance at XMAS but isn't a welcoming type person to other guests. 
DH talked to her and said POF's parents ( who live 12 hours away ) are visiting at XMAS.
I know you prefer only family on XMAS, so we will be staying home on XMAS day. We will see you and everyone else in the New Year.  MIL said - why can't you come by yourselves ? DH replied that isn't nice and not going to happen.  So she called back and said please come and bring your parents.  When we arrived - she asked surprised and said there wasn't enough seating and made a big stink.

And you all stayed?   ???

I was different person then and did not have a shiny spine. Plus the boys were little and I just caved.  I had the next few holidays away from MIL



o_gal

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #41 on: October 09, 2017, 07:25:28 AM »
My BIL and BIL's wife and SIL and SIL's husband are not able to host any family functions. BIL lives in a small apartment, SIL is a hoarder with a rat infestation. As a result, all family celebrations are hosted by myself and DH. For sanitary reasons they can't even be potluck. Three times over the past couple of years, we have been in the middle of hosting a family celebration when DH's aunt, cousin and cousin's three children have arrived expectantly. Of course it is difficult to host 5 unexpected guests that come empty handed with hearty appetites. It is apparent that either DH's sister or brother have been extending the invitation to these family members without asking or notifying us. I didn't feel comfortable turning them away at the door because they had to drive 2 hours to get to our home and they seemed unaware that they weren't expected. Honestly I don't want to host such a large group. Other than these get togethers the aunt and cousin don't have anything to do with us. As we approach the Thanksgiving and Christmas season is there a way that I can tell BIL and SIL them not to invite an extra people without sounding snarky? I don't have any idea which one of them did the inviting so I don't want to sound accusatory.

I bolded 2 items that are contradictory. You say you are fully hosting these events, so I assume that neither BIL or SIL are bringing anything. But then you criticize the other people for showing up empty handed. Either you are fully hosting, or you expect everyone to bring something. Expecting that some people get a free ride but others have to pay is not good.

I disagree. It's bad etiquette to show up to a meal empty-handed. If it is not a potluck, you bring a box of chocolates, flowers, a bottle of wine or some other type of hostess gift. Especially if you show up with 5 people.

Then BIL and SIL should also be showing up with chocolates, flowers, a bottle of wine, or some other type of hostess gift.

Flibbertigibbet

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #42 on: October 10, 2017, 08:07:03 AM »
Just on the reference to showing up empty handed - I'm not the OP, but I took the reference to simply mean that when you are hosting an event that is not a pot luck, it is even more burdensome from the food perspective when extra people turn up. I.e. -  If the event was a pot luck and extra people came, the assumption is that the extra people also bring food, so its not so burdensome (on the food side at least - it doesn't help on the space side of course), because there should therefore be enough food. If the event is not a pot luck, and therefore no contributions expected, it might be considered to be worse for the host because they will not have catered for the extra people.

I didn't read the OP as saying they expected the extra people to bring food and the original invitees to not, but simply that because the event was fully hosted it put more pressure on the food side than it would otherwise.

Clearly it is rude to turn up uninvited in any case, but I think the OP was just trying to add emphasis to how this particular circumstance inconvenienced him/her.

wonderfullyanonymous

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #43 on: October 10, 2017, 12:36:58 PM »
BIL's ears must have been burning because he just texted me to ask what is happening for Thanksgiving this year. I suggested we have the function at a restaurant. That is what is happening. In these situations he has the habit of announcing to table that he and my DH will split the bill and pay for everyone. (Without discussing it with DH ahead of time) This time I mentioned that we need to find a place that suits everyone's budget since we will only be paying for our own meals. I think the main problem with my BIL and SIL is that since they never host they don't understand the concept of more people coming equals more food and more cooking. It's not that I would want them to host so that has led up to this situation.

This is a great update!  Have you worked out who is going to make the reservation? I think it might also help get across the idea that people will pay for themselves if you can email everyone a link to the restaurant's website with a note that says "Here's the lovely place we'll all meet for Thanksgiving dinner.  BIL will make the reservation for (list of name of people you plan in having, not including aunt's family). To simplify things, we'll be getting one bill per couple; they take cash and credit cards (no checks). Looking forward blah, blah, blah."


I would also, when you get there, let the server know that there will be separate checks for each couple/family there, before BIL announces his plan to split the bill.

doodlemor

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Re: Please don't invite extra people
« Reply #44 on: October 10, 2017, 02:03:48 PM »


I would also, when you get there, let the server know that there will be separate checks for each couple/family there, before BIL announces his plan to split the bill.

Some restaurants in our area won't do separate checks at busy times.  OP might want to check on this beforehand, or actually be the one to make the reservations so that she can check at that time.

It might also be a good idea to tell BIL very directly that there won't be a bill splitting with OP's husband.  He sounds like someone who may not pick up on the social clue that OP already gave him.