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  • December 14, 2017, 09:49:25 AM

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Author Topic: Going to a wedding sick?  (Read 1176 times)

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elodea

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Going to a wedding sick?
« on: October 05, 2017, 10:38:52 PM »
I have a terrible cold, like can't breath out my nose, hacking up gunk every few minutes, don't want to leave my bed kind of cold. My BF and I are invited to a friend's wedding this Saturday, about an hour and a half away. I can totally rally and go to this wedding because I feel like it's rude not to after you RSVP. Plus I love weddings in general!! But I'm worried it's more rude to go to the wedding sick, hacking up a lung, especially when there will probably be older relatives as guests. I'm hopeful I'll just be totally better by Saturday, but usually when I get sick I'm down for the count for a week or more, and I doubt I'll be much different from now in a few days. Any advice for the right move here?

NFPwife

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2017, 11:01:04 PM »
I'll label that I'm a bit of a germophobe so you should take my perspective with that grain of salt.

Currently, my FIL isn't in the best of health and DH and I are the only people who do day to day things for him and we really try to avoid catching anything because we then "quarantine" ourselves from him and it makes life rather difficult. Prior to that, my late MIL's health was failing, and prior to that our eldest nephew had an immuno-compromised situation. All that to say, someone we care for has been in a delicate immuno state for, literally, years.

It's maddening when someone shows up to a social event ill. If you're contagious and "coughing up a lung," please stay home. Even if DH and I weren't worried about others catching something from us, we still don't like being unwell.

kudeebee

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2017, 01:07:39 AM »
Stay home. 

You aren't skipping the wedding because you had something better come up.

The reason you aren't attending the wedding is because you are sick and don't need to be around other people. You really won't be able to rally and be ready to ride 1 1/2 hours feeling like you do.   "Hacking up gunk" every few minutes is not very appealing for others to see, hear, be around.  Please don't go and do that at the wedding.  You will be miserable.  Others will not want to be around you and will wonder why you are there and not home.  Please be considerate of the other guests.

cicero

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2017, 07:19:07 AM »
I agree, please don't go. It's not just the elderly guests who can be at risk: it en be young children, people with compromised immune system, etc. Obviously, their health is not your responsibility, and people can get sick anywhere from anyone, but to knowingly go with a bad cold to an event is rude and irresponsible, imho.

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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2017, 07:58:42 AM »
Another vote for stay home.

Your hacking may also disrupt the ceremony, along with exposing everyone to your virus.

Your BF should go without you, however, if he is not sick.
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rose red

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2017, 08:35:08 AM »
Please don't go. This doesn't just sound like sneezing and sniffing, this sounds bad! They'll understand. Send a card (with money/gift if you were going to anyway).

From my experience, the HC may not even remember which friends were there or not years later since it's such a busy hectic day, but they sure will remember a guest disrupting/ruining the ceremony with their hacking every few minutes and if they (and the rest of the guest) get sick!

Luci

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2017, 09:08:04 AM »
Another vote for stay home.

Your hacking may also disrupt the ceremony, along with exposing everyone to your virus.

Your BF should go without you, however, if he is not sick.

And, can you imagine pulling out the videos and hearing all that in the background?

NFPwife

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2017, 09:28:08 AM »
Please don't go. This doesn't just sound like sneezing and sniffing, this sounds bad! They'll understand. Send a card (with money/gift if you were going to anyway).

From my experience, the HC may not even remember which friends were there or not years later since it's such a busy hectic day, but they sure will remember a guest disrupting/ruining the ceremony with their hacking every few minutes and if they (and the rest of the guest) get sick!

Everyone's points about the disruption factor are spot on. As well as the point about "remembering" who got you sick. Even if you're not, technically, the carrier of the germ anyone who gets sick within a week of the wedding will pin it on the woman who was "hacking up a lung." I had a horrible bronchitis/ laryngitis and, rightly or wrongly, traced it back to someone who'd been hacking everywhere in a restaurant. I overheard her say that this was the first time she'd been able to get out and she just coughed and coughed. I asked to have our table changed, and, when I got sick three days later, I blamed that stranger.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2017, 09:31:07 AM »
Illness, injury, and death are the approved reasons to cancel on a social obligation. Etiquette wise, it is far worse to be spreading germs or making people uncomfortable by giving the impression you are spreading germs.


mime

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2017, 10:20:12 AM »
FTR: I'm not a germophobe.

I still have a healthy appreciation for containing diseases and not exposing people to them when you're sick. I've seen illnesses run through schools, workplaces, and households because keeping up with washing hands and not spreading germs is tough in shared spaces. It is your responsibility when you're sick to avoid needless opportunities to spread sickness.

If you consider being a no-show after RSVP'ing 'yes' to be rude, then you have to weigh one rudeness against the other. I think endangering all of the attendees is the greater rudeness.

I don't actually consider a last-minute change of plans because of illness to be rude, though. I believe it is the only considerate option.


ETA: I do hope you're feeling better soon, OP!

Mustard

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2017, 10:32:53 AM »
Another vote for 'please stay at home'.  Not rude, providing your BF still attends.  Of course my judgement may be clouded by the fact I didn't attend a family Christening because I wasn't well, but my husband still went.

pattycake

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2017, 11:04:13 AM »
Being ill is not rude. It's an unavoidable circumstance. Rude (or inconsiderate) happens when you carry that illness to others, be they tiny tots, elderly folk, or just plain ordinary grownups who have no desire to get sick either. Unless you (general) are the actual bride or groom, you should stay home and send your regrets!

gellchom

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2017, 03:18:08 PM »
Please do let the hosts know, though, if you aren't coming.  I would even give them a heads-up of the possibility if you still aren't sure. 

It's only one day away at this point, but if you (general) are in a situation where you really may feel better and well enough to come, and you will be beyond the contagious stage of your illness (I can't tell how long you've had this cold), you could let them know that you are day-to-daying it.  They might respond either "Oh, please, just stay home and get well!" or they might respond "Oh, I do hope you'll be able to make it!" which will give you a clue at least to what their preference would be, which is a factor in your decision.

Whether the harking and snorking will be an issue depends on so much -- you could be past that stage and on to laryngitis or something.  I know that when I get a cold, each new day is a surprise!  And if you can sit at the end of a bench in the back at an outdoor ceremony as opposed to a tight pew in a tiny formal chapel -- that's different, too.  You can also leave right after the ceremony, sit alone, and refrain from mingling if it's someone you are very close to and it's important to both of you that you be there.  The point is that depending on so many things, it may not be an all-or-nothing situation.

So I would give the OP a little leeway.  She certainly isn't rude if she doesn't go due to illness!  But whether it would be rude to go depends on a lot of different factors.  She will know what to do based upon all the facts at the time.  I think that her concern was about whether it would be rude not to go after accepting the invitation, and she is right: a wedding invitation isn't something to renege on lightly or for as minimal a reason as a less important event (i.e., I might skip an open house for a mild to moderate headache but not a wedding, although I might leave earlier).  But of course the answer is no, because it would be due to illness.

elodea

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2017, 06:26:10 PM »
Oh wow! Thank you so much for all of the advice. Originally I just asked my mom who said no one would remember that I was sick at the wedding, but that they'd definitely remember if I didn't show up which had me worried. Getting a little perspective from all of you was super helpful--listening to me cough on the wedding video would be memorable in a terrible way!! I LOVE weddings and really want to be there, though my guy can rep the household even if I couldn't make it out.

I'm actually, REALLY surprisingly feeling a bit better today! I never get over colds this fast and I feel like the universe is doing me a solid here. I think if the almost all of the sneezing/nose blowing has passed by tomorrow I'll go, armed with hand sanitizer! I don't want to miss it over a few errant coughs. But if I'm still a disgusting snotmonster I'll spare everyone the torture of my company like you all suggest. Thanks guys!

Zizi-K

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Re: Going to a wedding sick?
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2017, 06:28:54 PM »
I do think there's a compromise that could work--you could rally and go to the ceremony, sitting in the back away from people, and then just beg off from the reception if you're feeling crummy. I might do that if it were important for me to rally for a friend.