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  • November 24, 2017, 01:01:51 PM

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Author Topic: Acceptable reasons for no-show?  (Read 3063 times)

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Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
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Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
« Reply #30 on: October 11, 2017, 04:07:53 PM »
In the first case, the bride needs to get a grip. Medical crises and being ordered to appear in court aren't things you can schedule. Maybe if you were the bride or groom, the judge would be willing to extend a continuance or something, but not if you're a guest. And I'm pretty sure that nobody felt like rushing to the hospital due to possible liver rejection for funsies.

In the second case, I think Other Coworker should have leaped into the car and gotten there ASAP. That was definitely a no-show if he didn't.
If wisdomís ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

kareng57

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Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
« Reply #31 on: October 11, 2017, 05:57:33 PM »
For my wedding caterer, we would have been in the clear to change our numbers that far out, even (although with a more formal or expensive caterer that might not be the case, even if it seems all the more important).

While it's not perfect, it's not bad to have things come up or to let people know as soon as you know.


Around here, most caterers (especially if it's a buffet) are prepared to serve something like 5% over the "guaranteed" number that you have to supply to the venue about two weeks ahead of time.  So if you have, say, 100 "yes"s, you could give 98 as the guarantee, knowing that they'll still be able to serve up to about 102.  Naturally you'd want to check with the caterer before doing this, but it can save paying for uneaten food.

Legitimate emergencies/illnesses are pretty much a fact of life, and responsible hosts will do their best to plan around them without throwing a hissyfit.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
« Reply #32 on: October 12, 2017, 04:48:23 AM »
Cousin A and her father, Uncle A were to start the 13.5 hour drive on Wednesday, arriving before the rehearsal dinner on Thursday.  Both had planned extra time off to stay for several days after the wedding.

Cousin C and Cousin R were planning the same for their 10.5 hour drive and were planning on returning Sunday.

The bride was apparently voicing her displeasure to the MOG, since it was her cousins that didn't show and how rude and costly that was.  MOG said she and her DH would cover the costs, even though they had contributed substantially to the wedding.  They own a bakery and provided all the many, many desserts and the wedding cake.  There may have been other contributions, but I don't know.

I think the first two guests had perfectly valid reasons for not attending! They had a spouse's medical crisis and a work emergency, respectively.

The third cousin may have been slightly ruder, especially if there were other transport options available within his/her budget (coach? riding with another relative? hiring a car? etc)  but I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

So I definitely think the bride is being unreasonable. I hope the MOG doesn't cover the costs for those guests - she is in no way to blame for their not being able to attend.

I also wonder whether the groom knows about the bride's feelings? If so, I hope he tries to talk some sense into her.

miranova

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Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
« Reply #33 on: October 12, 2017, 09:50:22 AM »
I'll never really understand people acting like they are out extra money when someone doesn't show up.  It's a sunk cost, you have already paid for it.  I understand not liking waste (but that could be mitigated if you are able to keep the leftovers) and obviously it's rude to RSVP if you aren't going to make a reasonable effort to attend.  But I'm struggling to think of a single large event in my life where there wasn't at least someone who got sick or had another last minute emergency that prevented them from coming.  It happens.  It's so common that it should be simply expected.  You may not know who will fall ill but in any large group, someone is bound to be sick that day.  Just roll with it and move on with your life.  Disappointment at not seeing them?  Sure.  Complaining that you paid for their meal?  TACKY.

gellchom

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Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
« Reply #34 on: October 12, 2017, 11:10:52 AM »
I'll never really understand people acting like they are out extra money when someone doesn't show up.  It's a sunk cost, you have already paid for it.  I understand not liking waste (but that could be mitigated if you are able to keep the leftovers) and obviously it's rude to RSVP if you aren't going to make a reasonable effort to attend.  But I'm struggling to think of a single large event in my life where there wasn't at least someone who got sick or had another last minute emergency that prevented them from coming.  It happens.  It's so common that it should be simply expected.  You may not know who will fall ill but in any large group, someone is bound to be sick that day.  Just roll with it and move on with your life.  Disappointment at not seeing them?  Sure.  Complaining that you paid for their meal?  TACKY.

You're right, it's a sunk cost; it doesn't cost any more or less if someone eats it or not.  (And in my experience, too, for just this reason people give the caterers a slightly low count).

However, although it isn't "extra," it's still wasted -- like if they gave a couple a $200 restaurant gift certificate that got lost; you can't help but feel different about spending money on something than about spending it on what unfortunately becomes nothing.  Of course a host doesn't have cause to be angry about that, either, if someone can't come for a good reason. 

But the guest, in my opinion, should apologize -- not because they did anything wrong (they didn't), but because although it was unavoidable and blameless, it's still a last-minute complication for the hosts (rearranging seating, etc.) and a waste of their money -- sort of the corollary to saying thank you if they did eat it, KWIM?

But much more important than any apology is an expression of regret that you missed it.  That shows that you appreciate that this was a really important event, and you really wanted to be there and only weren't because it was unavoidable.

Depending on the relationship and circumstances, it's really nice to add touches like sending a note or even flowers to the hosts -- with a note of congratulations and regret you couldn't be there (not apology).  Completely not obligatory, but also completely unforgettable!  It also helps to say you'd love to see a video or photos (you don't have to mean it  :))

I bet the bride didn't stay upset.  I can understand someone in that situation being really disappointed and anxious and going a bit over the top and realizing it later when they calm down.

Twik

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Re: Acceptable reasons for no-show?
« Reply #35 on: October 13, 2017, 09:16:44 AM »
I'll never really understand people acting like they are out extra money when someone doesn't show up.  It's a sunk cost, you have already paid for it.  I understand not liking waste (but that could be mitigated if you are able to keep the leftovers) and obviously it's rude to RSVP if you aren't going to make a reasonable effort to attend.  But I'm struggling to think of a single large event in my life where there wasn't at least someone who got sick or had another last minute emergency that prevented them from coming.  It happens.  It's so common that it should be simply expected.  You may not know who will fall ill but in any large group, someone is bound to be sick that day.  Just roll with it and move on with your life.  Disappointment at not seeing them?  Sure.  Complaining that you paid for their meal?  TACKY.

This! Absolutely true.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."