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  • November 21, 2017, 02:35:49 AM

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Author Topic: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.  (Read 5525 times)

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Kaypeep

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #15 on: November 09, 2017, 09:44:05 AM »
Sounds to me like the issue is Kathy is asking for more food for Tgiving fro DD's (in an annoying way by saying 'think outside the box') and you're a bit bent because you're doing a lot of work for the next day, too, and DD is already doing work for the day after party?

I'd just ignore her PA/awkward "think outside the box" comment.  She probably thought she was being clever but it fell flat.
If she needs an app for Tgiving, bring something.  There are so many platters at the markets now just pick something and don't think twice.  Sounds like there's always a ton of food and no one will leave hungry so why stress about bringing the perfect app?

Also, can I just make an observation that it sounds like all the women do all the work for these meals and now that work is being passed down to the daughters.  I wonder, are there any of-age sons who are also being tasked to contribute to these meals?  I know every family is different, but I'm very sensitive to this since being with my SO and seeing the women kill themselves while the men sit around watching TV and do nothing, including HS/college aged men.  It makes me very angry.  There's a learned helplessness set up here.  Maybe this email is a chance to "think outside the box" by delegating the apps to the men for a change?

lmyrs

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #16 on: November 09, 2017, 10:09:07 AM »
I know in my family, it's expected that every household is expected to contribute something to our holiday meals. So, if a "kid" is living on their own, they step up and bring something. I don't think we have any 20 year olds that are still living at home, but the ones that are in university out of province and just come home for the holiday, usually bring something easy like buns or a veggie platter. That includes the men. My cousin's 21 year old son who lives in a dorm still managed to bring a bag of buns last Christmas.

You know, salad and rolls can be much easier than appetizers. Maybe you could split that among your two daughters and then bring an appetizer yourself if you're worried about it being a burden on them? Or send them to Costco to buy a pack of meatballs and throw them in the slow cooker with some BBQ sauce.

siamesecat2965

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #17 on: November 09, 2017, 11:18:59 AM »
Just forward the email you got to your DDs (with a copy to SIL) and ask them to respond directly to SIL.  You could say something like: SIL - I'm copying this to DDs so they can respond to you directly.  Next year just include them in the eblast so they're in the loop..... DDs - please respond directly to SIL.  Looking forward to our annual family Thanksgiving gatherings!"

And I'd bring the rolls, unless someone else will take over doing that.

This. They're adults so let them decide whether or not they want to/are able to bring something. They may want to, or may just grab something and bring it. Or politely decline.

And i agree; just because you aren't able to eat the rolls doesn't mean no one can. That's a bit special snowflakey to me.

Easter Hat

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2017, 12:11:11 PM »
I agree, especially, with Bah12 and GardenGal.

In my family my aunts take turns hosting.  They communicate the holiday plans with their siblings and it is expected that each sibling will pass the info on to their own children.  Except my parents don't.  They dislike fuss and have their own established beliefs on their siblings and they expect that their children (me & my siblings) to feel the same way. 

Well, I enjoy my extended family.  I enjoy contributing and would love an encouraging "outside the box" request.  I'm in my mid 40's and I personally get annoyed when my mom doesn't pass on important info.  One year a host decided that everyone should bring their own drinks.  My parents decided it was "silly" for all of us to bring our own coolers so they decided to bring the drinks for me, my husband, my brother and his entire family of 5.  Because we didn't know the change of plans we had no choice but to drink what my parents choose for us.  I'll repeat it - we're in our 40's.

Would your daughters be pleased that you opted them out of a food contribution and they show up to find out they are the only ones not contributing?

Yours is an opportunity for your children to begin to share responsibility for a family event that will hopefully continue after "the grown ups" are unable to do it anymore.  If your children are indeed adults then you are sending a message that you consider them to be children and should be treated as such.

While I do think Kathy should have just contacted your kids directly, it's not your place to withhold that info when it's very easy to forward the email.

miranova

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2017, 06:13:24 PM »
I have a slightly different take than that other responders so far.  Kathy normally does the whole works for Thanksgiving, and this year she said she's doing the turkey.  THAT'S IT.  That is all she committed to. Now don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with pot luck Thanksgiving if that is what your family does.  But the tone of her request is all off.

There is a big difference between "This meal has gotten to be too much so I'm asking for some help this year." and "I thought it would be fun for you to bring more food and by the way, think outside the box" (which reads to me like you'd better not cop out with chips and dip or something).

I thought it would be fun?  That is not how you ask for something.  Just ask, nicely.

« Last Edit: November 09, 2017, 06:17:39 PM by miranova »

TootsNYC

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #20 on: November 09, 2017, 07:34:28 PM »
Just forward the email you got to your DDs (with a copy to SIL) and ask them to respond directly to SIL.  You could say something like: SIL - I'm copying this to DDs so they can respond to you directly.  Next year just include them in the eblast so they're in the loop..... DDs - please respond directly to SIL.  Looking forward to our annual family Thanksgiving gatherings!"

And I'd bring the rolls, unless someone else will take over doing that.

This. They're adults so let them decide whether or not they want to/are able to bring something. They may want to, or may just grab something and bring it. Or politely decline.

And i agree; just because you aren't able to eat the rolls doesn't mean no one can. That's a bit special snowflakey to me.


I agree with this.

Well, maybe not snowflake-y.

However, if you don't want to make rolls this year, just tell her without comments about health, etc., and say, "I won't be able to do rolls this year--I wanted to let you know so you could recruit someone else to handle bread."

But I agree completely with the idea of showing Kathy that she needs to communicate directly with your daughters about all family matters. She needs to invite them directly, and she needs to ask them directly if they will help her with food. No "telling you, and you tell them."

So I might add something like, "I'm looping in DD1 and DD2; I'll let you ask them directly for any help you want from them, and they can speak for themselves."

NFPwife

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #21 on: November 09, 2017, 08:49:24 PM »
I agree, especially, with Bah12 and GardenGal.

In my family my aunts take turns hosting.  They communicate the holiday plans with their siblings and it is expected that each sibling will pass the info on to their own children.  Except my parents don't.  They dislike fuss and have their own established beliefs on their siblings and they expect that their children (me & my siblings) to feel the same way. 

Well, I enjoy my extended family.  I enjoy contributing and would love an encouraging "outside the box" request. I'm in my mid 40's and I personally get annoyed when my mom doesn't pass on important info.  One year a host decided that everyone should bring their own drinks.  My parents decided it was "silly" for all of us to bring our own coolers so they decided to bring the drinks for me, my husband, my brother and his entire family of 5.  Because we didn't know the change of plans we had no choice but to drink what my parents choose for us.  I'll repeat it - we're in our 40's.

Would your daughters be pleased that you opted them out of a food contribution and they show up to find out they are the only ones not contributing?

Yours is an opportunity for your children to begin to share responsibility for a family event that will hopefully continue after "the grown ups" are unable to do it anymore.  If your children are indeed adults then you are sending a message that you consider them to be children and should be treated as such.

While I do think Kathy should have just contacted your kids directly, it's not your place to withhold that info when it's very easy to forward the email.

I think we're related. My aunt had a milestone bday party, I was on the phone with my mom and she said, in passing, that the party was about a week away. We'd been included on their invitation. I'm also in my mid-40s!! We had a church event scheduled for months that day and made it for the second hour. (It was a short event.) My mom gave me all the info in dribs and drabs too. At one point I said, "take a pic of the invitation and text it to me." She said, "I've told you everything now." Sigh....

To the OP, I agree that you should take the rolls, or have a really good plan for who will bring them.

The "think outside the box" falls a little flat for me, too. I'd be tempted to bring blue corn tortilla chips and some mango salsa. :D It's not regular chips and salsa, right?? Oppositional tendencies aside, I think the daughters can pick up or make something simple.

rose red

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2017, 08:23:37 AM »
^ Next time, go straight to the source. Call up your aunt or the church after you hear the first whisper of an event.

Drives me crazy when others think I'm not my own person and still go though mom. Force the issue and tell them they just may miss your presence since you don't have the full details and you don't know what's going on. Don't let them get away with saying "Oh, just get the info from your mom." No No No. Give us the respect we deserve.

Easter Hat

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #23 on: November 10, 2017, 10:31:17 AM »
^ Next time, go straight to the source. Call up your aunt or the church after you hear the first whisper of an event.  Drives me crazy when others think I'm not my own person and still go though mom. Force the issue and tell them they just may miss your presence since you don't have the full details and you don't know what's going on. Don't let them get away with saying "Oh, just get the info from your mom." No No No. Give us the respect we deserve.

I get what you are saying.  However in my extended family it works very nicely for the aunt and uncles to communicate with their children.  So I don't fault my aunts for not contacting me directly.  I've learned that when my mom say's "Auntie Em is having Thanksgiving at her house" then I need to personally contact Em to get the info.  Or I'll message my favorite aunt who is happy to fill me in.  It's just frustrating that my own parents can't do this even after we've spoken to them about it.

Kiwipinball

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #24 on: November 10, 2017, 09:40:50 PM »
I think it makes sense to not bring a food you can't eat to a party. Other people are obviously able to bring them (it's not hard to bring rolls), but the thing I love about pot lucks is I can make sure to bring something I'll actually eat. Doesn't sound like OP is anywhere near as picky as me, but it actually seems a little weird to bring something you can't eat.

I agree about letting the DDs decide whether to contribute.

maksi

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2017, 02:52:00 AM »
I think it makes sense to not bring a food you can't eat to a party. Other people are obviously able to bring them (it's not hard to bring rolls), but the thing I love about pot lucks is I can make sure to bring something I'll actually eat. Doesn't sound like OP is anywhere near as picky as me, but it actually seems a little weird to bring something you can't eat.


Agreed. Often the dish I bring is one of the few (or the only one) I can actually eat, because of my dietary restrictions.

jpcher

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2017, 12:50:46 PM »
Thanks everybody -- I know I said this was nit-picky and wasn't sure why it irked me, but reading through all of your responses I think I figured it out. What it was that bothered me.

All the "kids" are in their twenties.

Rhoda (married LDH's brother) has two daughters from a previous marriage and those girls haven't been to a Tgiving dinner for the past many years, they choose to feast with their father.

The other brother has two sons, and the last time they came for the Tgiving dinner (last year) stated that they won't be coming up here any more. It's a long drive, etc. So they are out this year.

Kathy has a married daughter, so I'm sure she ad her DH will be contributing something, whether it be apps or part of the meal.

That leaves it up to my DDs and their BFs to contribute apps "outside the box." Sigh.

Petty. Yes. I agree . . . and I'm ashamed to think that Kathy wants the apps for her party to be on par with what my DDs serve at our parties . . . Yes, I'm stupid for feeling this way.

But if you insist on hosting a holiday party, then please host it.




I forwarded the invite to my DDs and their BFs and told them if they don't have time or money to make an awesome app then we can just stop at grocery store and pick up something pre-made. I also said that they should respond to Kathy directly so that she knows what's up with the menu and has their email address (although I know she already does.)

cross_patch

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #27 on: November 11, 2017, 01:01:32 PM »
Thanks everybody -- I know I said this was nit-picky and wasn't sure why it irked me, but reading through all of your responses I think I figured it out. What it was that bothered me.

All the "kids" are in their twenties.

Rhoda (married LDH's brother) has two daughters from a previous marriage and those girls haven't been to a Tgiving dinner for the past many years, they choose to feast with their father.

The other brother has two sons, and the last time they came for the Tgiving dinner (last year) stated that they won't be coming up here any more. It's a long drive, etc. So they are out this year.

Kathy has a married daughter, so I'm sure she ad her DH will be contributing something, whether it be apps or part of the meal.

That leaves it up to my DDs and their BFs to contribute apps "outside the box." Sigh.

Petty. Yes. I agree . . . and I'm ashamed to think that Kathy wants the apps for her party to be on par with what my DDs serve at our parties . . . Yes, I'm stupid for feeling this way.

But if you insist on hosting a holiday party, then please host it.




I forwarded the invite to my DDs and their BFs and told them if they don't have time or money to make an awesome app then we can just stop at grocery store and pick up something pre-made. I also said that they should respond to Kathy directly so that she knows what's up with the menu and has their email address (although I know she already does.)

Most families I know have everyone contribute to big holiday meals.

Mary Lennox

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #28 on: November 11, 2017, 01:27:40 PM »
So, Kathy's asking the only 2 adults who aren't contributing anything to the meal (your daughters) to start contributing to the meals? I'm not seeing an issue with this request.

HannahGrace

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Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #29 on: November 11, 2017, 01:36:52 PM »
So, Kathy's asking the only 2 adults who aren't contributing anything to the meal (your daughters) to start contributing to the meals? I'm not seeing an issue with this request.

This. And it sounds like Kathy has been providing nearly everything for this party for many years. I donít know where the outrage is coming from, but if you donít like how she hosts, make other plans.