News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • November 24, 2017, 06:35:25 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.  (Read 5821 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

NFPwife

  • Member
  • Posts: 1926
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #60 on: November 14, 2017, 03:54:01 PM »
She is telling (not asking) them to commit the same level of creativity and effort for her that they would normally do FOR YOU.

Not really, that's just how you are interpreting her words based on your past experiences. I take it to mean something other than chips and dip.

Yes, I agree - and that is kind of an unpleasant spin to put on a standard request.

Agree also.  And - who has the time to put that much thought into a simple request?  Either do it or don't, but really, if someone asks me to do something, I can't imagine putting such a complicated spin on their motives for doing so.

I'm not sure if it's the situation here, but I know exactly what TootsNYC is talking about - I've had similar happen to me. A friend said to her friend, "Oh, NFPWife is an expert in X she'll do that for you," and then asked me to do the favor to increase her social capital / standing. Um. No. It's really not "complicated spin" it's something that happens and as someone else said upthread we all read threads through the lens of our personal experience, if TootsNYC has had that happen to her, more than once, it's not an unkind or uncharitable conclusion, it's something she could she happening based on her experience and culture.

mime

  • Member
  • Posts: 1824
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #61 on: November 14, 2017, 04:24:14 PM »
She is telling (not asking) them to commit the same level of creativity and effort for her that they would normally do FOR YOU.

Not really, that's just how you are interpreting her words based on your past experiences. I take it to mean something other than chips and dip.

Yes, I agree - and that is kind of an unpleasant spin to put on a standard request.

Agree also.  And - who has the time to put that much thought into a simple request?  Either do it or don't, but really, if someone asks me to do something, I can't imagine putting such a complicated spin on their motives for doing so.

I'm not sure if it's the situation here, but I know exactly what TootsNYC is talking about - I've had similar happen to me. A friend said to her friend, "Oh, NFPWife is an expert in X she'll do that for you," and then asked me to do the favor to increase her social capital / standing. Um. No. It's really not "complicated spin" it's something that happens and as someone else said upthread we all read threads through the lens of our personal experience, if TootsNYC has had that happen to her, more than once, it's not an unkind or uncharitable conclusion, it's something she could she happening based on her experience and culture.

Yeah, I get that, too-- and I've seen that kind of thing where a host kind of secondhand-brags about the great things that guests A and B brought to the party. Or one almost turns her nose up at a contribution that is too commonplace. I was at a gathering where there was some pouting over one guest's contribution of no-bake cookies because they weren't 'elevated' enough.


lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 968
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #62 on: November 14, 2017, 05:17:16 PM »
Quote
I think it's not that Kathy would pass off the contributions as her own. But I think there would be a bit of "Look, I got them to do something really creative for me!"

But they wouldn't be doing it for Kathy, they would be doing it for the entire extended family including themselves. Everyone benefits from the Thanksgiving dinner. I know that OP says that Kathy has insisted on doing the whole Thanksgiving dinner herself every year, but it may be becoming a burden. And Kathy's doing this every year is pretty generous. If I understand this correctly, she's been doing this for 20 years.

She should have emailed OP's daughters directly, but "outside the box" is still broad enough that DD's can do pretty much what they want for apps.

crella

  • Member
  • Posts: 1265
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #63 on: November 14, 2017, 05:30:58 PM »
I'm not sure if it's the situation here, but I know exactly what TootsNYC is talking about - I've had similar happen to me. A friend said to her friend, "Oh, NFPWife is an expert in X she'll do that for you," and then asked me to do the favor to increase her social capital / standing. Um. No.

Was that followed by "But I already told them you would!" ? MIL did this all the time...volunteered me to teach people how to bake, to translate letters,

bah12

  • Member
  • Posts: 6866
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #64 on: November 14, 2017, 05:40:18 PM »
I think it's not that Kathy would pass off the contributions as her own. But I think there would be a bit of "Look, I got them to do something really creative for me!"

It's sort of an oblique claiming of credit. I know that was part of it for my MIL; she would get the credit for having gotten me to do something really nice for someone else. I had an acquaintance try to do this w/ "being a mentor" for the daughter of a friend; my acquaintance actually said, "I thought if you did that, it would make me look good." It was a form of covetousness, actually.

As I said--I don't think that objecting to this is something that will make jpcher look good, but I do think it's an understandable reaction on her part.

And if Kathy asked me, I would be telling her not to add that part of her request. Especially not via someone else, and especially because apparently there -isn't- a particularly close relationship there. (I think that's why jpcher found herself including that "we weren't invited to other parties of theirs" background--the "think outside the box" request felt intrusive because it was outside the actual relationship.)

Why do you think the bolded?  To me, it sounds pretty reasonable that all adult guests would contribute to a family holiday meal.  Now that the OP's daughters have grown up and are living on their own, it makes sense that they would 'graduate' from being full guests to contributing members of the dinner.  Appetizers are a reasonable place to start. 

Why did she not send them an email directly?  Who knows...does she have their email addresses?  Was she trying not to single them out as the only adults who don't normally contribute but should?  Is she accustomed to everything regarding the DD's going through the OP for approval first? 

I personally think your reaction is based on your own experiences with your MIL and friends and I'm sorry that you've had those negative experiences with so many people in your life.  I don't think that is the default way that people behave.   If I received an email like that from a family member, I wouldn't think twice about the "out of the box" comment.  Sure, there is a better and clearer choice of words that could have been used, but I wouldn't focus so much on this because my default reaction isn't to think I'm always being taken advantage of.

Basically, you have a woman that pretty much provides everything for Thanksgiving year after year suggesting that the adult children start contributing something.  That's not an outlandish request. And Kathy has absolutely zero obligation to continue to do most of this herself...asking for help, as time goes on, is normal.   And it seems she's still giving the family leeway to provide what the want... the OP still only has to provide salad and rolls (I hope she provides the rolls).    I just can't wrap my head around being so upset that an adult child is asked to provide an appetizer for Thanksgiving dinner.  None of the other info matters...not the OP's diet, not what the DD's are or aren't volunteering to do the next day, and certainly not what they did for a different party at some other point in time.  And I do think it's a huge waste of mental energy to dig deeper into what Kathy might boast about.  If she's so terrible, then why not just politely decline to attend and make the entire Thanksgiving meal themselves, to share with themselves?  I think the fact that the family is more than happy to accept her hospitality when they aren't contributing something shows they never thought she was just waiting for the right moment to pounce on them and 'force' them into doing something completely normal and expected.

jpcher

  • Member
  • Posts: 10302
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #65 on: November 14, 2017, 05:49:46 PM »
Thank you all, once again, for your responses. I especially thank the posters that turned around the outrage vibe. "Nit-picky", "irked a bit", and "sorta rubbed me the wrong way" does not equal outrage in my book. Oh. Maybe using all those terms in one post? Okay, I get that, ;) but I was not outraged at all.

I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way so I decided to post here so you all could help me talk it through in my mind. You've done a great job, once again! ;D


I need to clarify something from my OP:

I guess this irks me a bit because I've We've hosted three large family/friends parties in the past year where my DDs and their BFs have gone above and beyond with "thinking outside the box" for apps, along with their awesome help in prep and service.

I owe my 'kids' an apology for saying "I've hosted" . . . I consider them co-hosts, not merely contributors. We send emails back and forth about what to serve for the main dish, how many apps, new recipes we'd like to try, settle on a menu and shopping list, etc. It's great fun planning and cooking together and I would never, ever throw a party like the ones we do if it were all on me again. (I used to do it all, when they were younger. But I'm old, now! And really appreciate the co-hosting abilities and willingness from them to throw an awesome party. I always tell guests to thank them instead of me.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ::) LOL! some of you mentioned that Kathy is older now and might not want to take on the entire meal any more by herself. Gee, where did I hear that before? (Oh yeah, previous paragraph.) I get it and appreciate your wake-up comments on this thought.



DD#1 and BFsam asked if maybe they send me a shopping list they could put something together Tgiving day morning at my home (they both started new classes and are swamped). DD#2 is working 12-hour days that week in order to get the day-after off and BFbob will not be attending Tgiving dinner (will spend it with his mom) but did offer to go to Sams Club and pick up an app tray or two (I told him, thank you so very much but it isn't necessary.)


In the end, I'm over it.  8)  Thank you for listening and responding to my angst and I'm looking forward to a wonderful 2-day feast with my family including no hard feelings.


 ;D



Three responses while I was typing . . . will come back later.

miranova

  • Member
  • Posts: 4053
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #66 on: November 15, 2017, 07:22:49 AM »
She is telling (not asking) them to commit the same level of creativity and effort for her that they would normally do FOR YOU.

Not really, that's just how you are interpreting her words based on your past experiences. I take it to mean something other than chips and dip.

I take it to mean the same, which is why I find it offputting.  If you want potluck, that's what you get, LUCK of the draw.  You don't get to tell the guests how fancy their dish must be and you don't get to tell them that they have to actually cook something.  Store bought is perfectly fine for a potluck.  If Kathy wants to assign dishes, I think that can be fine among family but then she needs to actually ask for a specific dish (nothing vague like "think out of the box") and be prepared for a no if she asks for something too complicated for the skill level of the guest.  I think it's rude to basically communicate "I want a certain quality of foods at my home but I don't want to cook them all.  So, you need to contribute but don't cheap out".  You can't have it both ways like that.  If you don't want people bringing chips and dip, then you fully host.  If you want potluck, you get what you get.

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 968
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #67 on: November 15, 2017, 12:08:32 PM »
There is a compromise between home-made and boxed, frozen, obviously store-bought appetizers.
My confession. We had monthly pot-luck lunches at work. One time I found myself too busy to make a salad. So I went to the grocery store deli and bought a big container of a salad. When I mentioned to the guy who waited on me that it was for a pot-luck, he told be that some people brought in their own containers so that it would look like it came from home. LOL.

The grocery stores and specialty stores in my area have all kinds of pre-made items that could easily be used as apps. As I said, "out of the box" is pretty general. OP, I think you are over-thinking this.

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 968
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #68 on: November 15, 2017, 12:12:21 PM »
Quote
The grocery stores and specialty stores in my area have all kinds of pre-made items that could easily be used as apps.

By this I mean, the deli areas of the stores are seriously expanding.

katiekat2009

  • Member
  • Posts: 73
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #69 on: November 15, 2017, 02:41:38 PM »
Bottom line is, if a two day Thanksgiving is too much trouble, you should consider just having one with your family, only. As your kids are grown, they should contribute to wherever they are invited, be it your house or a relatives.

Dragonflymom

  • Member
  • Posts: 2841
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #70 on: November 18, 2017, 10:56:57 AM »
I think everybody's said what's needed to about how to handle this, but while thinking about things to do for our family Thanksgiving, an idea for a super easy "outside the box" appetizer just popped into my head, and I thought I'd share in case it might work for your daughters :)

You know the traditional dip where you dump a jar of pepper jelly over a block of cream cheese - I was thinking a fun Thanksgiving variation would be using cranberry relish or cranberry jelly.  And it's kind of retro, and as they say everything old is new again :)
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

lakey

  • Member
  • Posts: 968
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #71 on: November 18, 2017, 04:29:30 PM »
Dragonflymom,
That sounds really good.

AustenFan

  • Member
  • Posts: 707
Re: Asked to bring something, but your hosting the next day.
« Reply #72 on: November 18, 2017, 07:04:13 PM »
I think everybody's said what's needed to about how to handle this, but while thinking about things to do for our family Thanksgiving, an idea for a super easy "outside the box" appetizer just popped into my head, and I thought I'd share in case it might work for your daughters :)

You know the traditional dip where you dump a jar of pepper jelly over a block of cream cheese - I was thinking a fun Thanksgiving variation would be using cranberry relish or cranberry jelly.  And it's kind of retro, and as they say everything old is new again :)

Ohhh a cranberry apple baked brie would be both easy and delicious. I think I may make that for my next event :)