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  • November 24, 2017, 04:46:03 PM

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Author Topic: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?  (Read 5003 times)

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oogyda

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #30 on: November 10, 2017, 07:25:32 PM »
I can see why you might be hurt/annoyed by this.  I agree with others, though, that they didn't do anything rude and did try to not talk about it with those who hadn't been included. 

But, why are you focusing on those four?  Don't the 10 others who originally voiced their interest in going matter?   Is this a group that can't do anything without these "leaders"  or organizers?  I think by giving their absence so much leverage, you are minimizing the value of everyone else. 

I don't understand why this would make you not want to attend the upcoming holiday event.  What would that accomplish for you?  I know you referred to old insecurities, but it's only 4 out of 15.  Now, if 15 original people had gotten together and excluded 4 and I was one of those 4, I'd definitely be getting a hint of some kind.  Go.  Have fun with the 10 people who went to the movie with you. 
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Kiwipinball

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #31 on: November 10, 2017, 08:53:20 PM »
In looking at things just now, this movie has been out for a little more than a week.  So I suspect that it wasn't really a private screening, even though the person said it was.  I think that was an excuse she used ("I have tickets to a private screening that another friend arranged") to make it look better that they didn't even consider going with the original group, rather than saying "oh, sorry, just the four of us already made plans to go.  Sorry!".  I think the "private screening" is a red herring. 

I guess the gist is "you can't help your feelings".  They may not have done anything wrong, per se, just were inconsiderate of the group that went last year and was planning to the new one.  Always sucks to know that you're not one of the cool kids.

I don’t think they were inconsiderate of the group - I wouldn’t consider an offhand comment months before a binding plan.

Yes, I could see them having forgotten about this comment entirely.

Or remembered but not believed it was going to happen. Trying to organize 15 people and find a date that works for everyone sounds like a nightmare. I like to plan things in advance and I have frequently decided to do my own thing (sometimes completely alone, sometimes with a few others) if it's something I really wanted to do and the bigger group was taking too long. Not sure on the timing of everything, but I could see if a few people wanted to make sure they'd get to see it, just making plans.

TootsNYC

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #32 on: November 10, 2017, 09:39:49 PM »
As for the bit about "not talking about it"--that's actually polite.

You don't talk about a social gathering in front of people who weren't invited to it.

People aren't required to stay in the same social group all the time; and they're not required to never, ever hurt other people's feelings by choosing not to spend time with them, either for one specific event, or a type of event, or maybe even ever.

They ARE required to refrain from being mean about it, or rubbing people's noses in it.

So yes, sometimes you will realize that you're not "one of the cool kids." And it will be disappointing, and it might hurt. But that doesn't mean other people were in any way inconsiderate.

You get to have your own feelings, but you are supposed to manage them yourself. (which it sounds like you're doing)
« Last Edit: November 10, 2017, 09:44:24 PM by TootsNYC »

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #33 on: November 11, 2017, 12:14:06 AM »
I'm a bit confused whether this was a private screening (ie a situation where Organizer could only get limited tickets for her and her friends) or whether Organizer and the three others just decided among themselves to see the movie at a regular public session when it first came out?

If it was the former, I'd say not rude, but if it was the latter, I think that is rather hurtful when they were aware of the expectation (and precedent set) that the larger group would be seeing it together.

I also think the foursome erred in being so secretive about their outing. I get the principle of "don't talk about a social gathering in front of others who might have liked to be invited", but that's a separate issue from failing to respond at all to a conflicting invitation (which is what most of the foursome did). I think that they could have simply said "Thanks, but I already have other plans to see Movie. Have fun though." without mentioning exactly what those other plans were.

Raintree

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #34 on: November 11, 2017, 12:24:41 AM »
I probably wouldn't be hurt at all, though only the OP really knows the dynamics of the group. I wouldn't think going to Movie I together meant that we all had to see MovieII: the Sequel together. Nor would I think a vague, "Oh, we have to go see Movie II: The Sequel" would be set in stone plans.

I'd just go see it with the remaining people of the 15.

blarg314

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #35 on: November 11, 2017, 10:42:45 PM »

I don't think the four did anything rude. The closest they came was mentioning  the other plans, but if all four of them had simply said they weren't interested in the group event but didn't say why, there would probably have still been hurt feelings, or people pestering them for reasons why.

I see the two events as just that - two separate events. After first time, some people commented that this was fun, and they should do it again, but that's an idle comment and doesn't count as concrete plans or a commitment.  And the reasons don't really matter - whether it's special tickets, or some of the group deciding they wanted to do things differently this time.

It would have been rude to make concrete plans for a group showing, and then to back out, however.

Being a bit hurt is also fairly natural in a situation like this, particularly the feeling that you've been left out of the in group. But the fact that something hurts your feelings or makes you jealous doesn't mean it was necessarily rude. I do get a bit of a feeling that you're annoyed at the four for depriving the others of the 15 person group outing experience, but that's not something they owed the group in the first place.
 


Allyson

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #36 on: November 12, 2017, 01:45:19 AM »
I can see why you might be hurt/annoyed by this.  I agree with others, though, that they didn't do anything rude and did try to not talk about it with those who hadn't been included. 

But, why are you focusing on those four?  Don't the 10 others who originally voiced their interest in going matter?   Is this a group that can't do anything without these "leaders"  or organizers?  I think by giving their absence so much leverage, you are minimizing the value of everyone else. 

I don't understand why this would make you not want to attend the upcoming holiday event.  What would that accomplish for you?  I know you referred to old insecurities, but it's only 4 out of 15.  Now, if 15 original people had gotten together and excluded 4 and I was one of those 4, I'd definitely be getting a hint of some kind.  Go.  Have fun with the 10 people who went to the movie with you.

Yeah, this is what I'm thinking, too.  It seems like there's some backstory with some of these people, but that's its own thing, and really not related to this Huge group things are just different than smaller activities - for me, I will almost always prefer a 2-3 person group over a 10-15 person group, because the latter takes way more out of me even if I like everyone involved. Also in a group of 15, there's probably at least one or two people I don't care for that much and not letting on is again, just another level of effort.

I get the deceit thing being annoying but on the other hand would you really have felt better if they had been upfront and explained their reasons?

Also your mention of "not being one of the cool kids" makes me think there's a dynamic going on here that goes far beyond "big group of friends" - would you have felt differently if a different 4 people had done the same thing, or would you have felt that any combination of a smaller group of people doing this together would have been "cool kids" style exclusion? What makes something "cool group doing something exclusively" vs "smaller group of friends hanging out"? I'm not jumping on you at all here, this and similar issues have come up a ton in my friendships too - I see the Geek Social Fallacies quoted above which have been super relevant to me in the past!

I would use this as an opportunity to try to become closer with some of the other 10 people who did want to go and not worry so much about pecking order or the motives of the four who went.


Margo

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #37 on: November 12, 2017, 08:27:57 AM »
I probably wouldn't be hurt at all, though only the OP really knows the dynamics of the group. I wouldn't think going to Movie I together meant that we all had to see MovieII: the Sequel together. Nor would I think a vague, "Oh, we have to go see Movie II: The Sequel" would be set in stone plans.

I'd just go see it with the remaining people of the 15.

I agree. Also, I think with this size of group it would be quite surprising if the entire 15 wanted and ere  all available to see the sequel together - in fact given how long there normally is between a film release and the release of a sequel, I think it would be perfectly normal to expect that there would have been changes in the group, and how it works as a group. 

I would simply move on, invite the people you wanted to spend time with to go to the film together, and accept that not everyone will want to come, or that some people may have already seen the film, or made plans to see it, and may or may not chose to go a second time with your group. I don't think its really relevant whether the screening they went to was a private one or not - I think most likely they had not considered that there was any pre-existing plan or expectation.

But I don't think that they were rude or unreasonable. You can feel hurt or annoyed, they're your feelings,  but I don't think any of the 4 did anything wrong.

bah12

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #38 on: November 12, 2017, 09:29:02 AM »
Yes, I would feel hurt and snubbed.

But... they didn't do anything wrong.  Making a comment about seeing a sequel after the first movie was not an obligation to only see the movie with the larger group of 15.  The 4 that chose to see the movie alone are within their rights to do so.  Even if it does disappoint others not invited.

Why not organize a showing for the remaining group and have a great time without the 4?

TabathasGran

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #39 on: November 12, 2017, 10:04:59 AM »
Yes, I would feel hurt and snubbed.

But... they didn't do anything wrong.  Making a comment about seeing a sequel after the first movie was not an obligation to only see the movie with the larger group of 15.  The 4 that chose to see the movie alone are within their rights to do so.  Even if it does disappoint others not invited.

Why not organize a showing for the remaining group and have a great time without the 4?

I agree with this. I would probably feel something but it would also depend on the person and my previous experience with them. The motives matter to me.

I have a friend that does things like this and every conversation with her includes at least a few comments about who she spent time with when I wasn’t invited.  That wouldn’t bother me except that she got upset once when I was invited on a trip by mutual friends and she was not. She was not even available but still told me it bothered her because she was friends with them “first”.  So if she organizes something and leaves me out, then tells me about it later, I am suspicious.  If someone else in our group does this I do not feel bad at all.

I combat this by never mentioning activities that she did not attend, and making sure to invite her to anything g I arrange.  I noticed that she’s not as prone to this behavior when everything in her life is going well. 

I hope the rest of the group goes and has a great time.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2017, 04:57:30 PM by TabathasGran »

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #40 on: November 12, 2017, 11:51:30 AM »
I can see why you might be hurt/annoyed by this.  I agree with others, though, that they didn't do anything rude and did try to not talk about it with those who hadn't been included. 

But, why are you focusing on those four?  Don't the 10 others who originally voiced their interest in going matter?   Is this a group that can't do anything without these "leaders"  or organizers?  I think by giving their absence so much leverage, you are minimizing the value of everyone else. 

I don't understand why this would make you not want to attend the upcoming holiday event.  What would that accomplish for you?  I know you referred to old insecurities, but it's only 4 out of 15.  Now, if 15 original people had gotten together and excluded 4 and I was one of those 4, I'd definitely be getting a hint of some kind.  Go.  Have fun with the 10 people who went to the movie with you.

This post really struck a chord with me.  I understand feeling hurt, snubbed, annoyed.  But if I were one of the uninvited 10, and you expressed this to me, I would feel, "What am I? Chopped liver?"

If you don't particularly care for Organizer, I would chalk this up to yet another reason to step back from her, and focus on those in the group I do really want to spend time with.  But to be perfectly honest, I'm an introvert, and would highly prefer a group of 5 max over the group of 15.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #41 on: November 12, 2017, 01:06:04 PM »
In looking at things just now, this movie has been out for a little more than a week.  So I suspect that it wasn't really a private screening, even though the person said it was.  I think that was an excuse she used ("I have tickets to a private screening that another friend arranged") to make it look better that they didn't even consider going with the original group, rather than saying "oh, sorry, just the four of us already made plans to go.  Sorry!".  I think the "private screening" is a red herring. 

I guess the gist is "you can't help your feelings".  They may not have done anything wrong, per se, just were inconsiderate of the group that went last year and was planning to the new one.  Always sucks to know that you're not one of the cool kids.

I think you are taking their actions too personally. Who knows why the 4 of them decided to split off. It could be that the person you don't like was able to score tickets to a private screening. It could be that one of the 4 would prefer attending the movie with a smaller group and not 15 people and deal with the coordination and planning that would entail.

In my opinion, giving a general "Yeah, that was fun, let's do it again" isn't a firm commitment and people shouldn't be held to that. I don't see how their actions were inconsiderate of the others. They didn't cause the group to modify their plans. And thinking of the 4 as the "cool kids" is the high school mentality. Just because you wanted to go with 15 people and not 11 doesn't make them in the wrong in anyway.

JoieGirl7

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #42 on: November 12, 2017, 03:36:40 PM »
Speaking for myself, I would not feel comfortable with other people deciding for me how I was to see a movie.  I cannot see anything at all wrong with what these 4 people did.  And it seems to me, and I might be wrong, that the feelings of being left out are connected to jealousy over the cachet of this "private screening."

Someone you know through a group, getting a special treat, really has nothing to do with the group or anyone in the group.  As has been suggested, saying that seeing the sequel might be a nice thing to do in the future, isn't a promise or a guarantee of anything.
 
This does remind of junior high but not in the behavior of the 4 people who went to see a private screening.  It reminds of junior high in the jealousy and the insecurity of someone who would puts restrictions on my behavior because of their own feelings.

Maybe I am overly sensitive to this, but I could never be a part of a clique when I was in school.  I would have loved to be part of the "cool kids" but I did always feel that the trade off for that was to give up my own will, my own desires for what I wanted to wear or do.

Someone tried to pull this kind of thing on me relatively recently (well, more recently than junior high school which was decades ago).  It was about 4 - 5 years ago.  I was part of a fan club and as an adult, I thought that's really all it was.  But, for some people it went way beyond that and still does.
 
I was called out for things that no one had any right to call me out for.  One, was for hugging the wife of a couple but not hugging the husband.  It wasn't deliberate.  I didn't even really remember it.  It was just a situation where I reached out for a hug to her and then things were moving on and I didn't grab her husband and hug him too.

And yes, it strikes me how ridiculous it is to even try to explain it.  There were more things.  But, essentially, because I was considered part of this group, I was expected to behave in very specific ways (according to this one person) that no other fan walking in off the street would have been expected to.

It was confining.  It intrusive.  And ultimately, it was very nasty and destructive.  And literally, one of the things I was called out for was not adjusting my behavior to be "one of the cool kids."
 
Yeah, thanks but no thanks.

If I was part of a group that saw a movie and had a good time, that's exactly what i would think about it--we all had a good time.  And great if we could do that again.  But, if an opportunity arises where I can go see a private screening, I'm gonna go and not think twice about it.

If plans had been made with the whole group, I would still not think twice about it.  It's not like there is only one movie released per year.  And I might even go see it again if the group does.  Or not, depending on my schedule.

But, if someone suggested to me that I should not have gone to the private screening because everyone in that particular group could not go, I would cut my ties with those people and go find a less constraining group to be involved with.

With the fan group I mentioned, I cut ties with a lot of people, deleted them from my Facebook, etc.  Because these oddities also continued on discussion groups, I quit them and started my own where I can participate drama free.

It's a big world out there.  And there is nothing inherently wrong with a group when it's well defined and communicated.  But, when folks start injecting other concerns into it, it can turn bad.

I wonder what the OP would have done if some other friend had invited her to a screening. Would she have declined because it would have affected the group?

And while I totally get that feelings are what they are.  I don't think it's always a good idea to give them so much weight in determining whether the behavior of others was ok or not, especially when those feelings are of jealousy or spring from our own insecurities.

It's not wrong to limit our connection to people who rigger us, but it doesn't make them rude.

kudeebee

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #43 on: November 13, 2017, 03:15:30 AM »
Private screening and advanced screening are often used interchangeably by some people.  Both indicate something for which the general public cannot buy tickets.

I would guess that the organizer was able to get four tickets and invited the three women that she is closest to and with whom she does other activities/spends time with.

This does not stop the rest of you from picking a date and going to the movie.

Dazi

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Re: Would you feel hurt/annoyed by this?
« Reply #44 on: November 13, 2017, 07:41:19 AM »
I liken this to a situation that happened recently in my circle. One of my old CWs had a milestone birthday and invited 4 of us from work to their party. 2 of of other CWs found out about it via some facebook tagged pics and were hurt/offended that they weren't invited/didn't know about it. We didn't discuss it in front of them, we weren't the person who set the invitation list, but somehow we were the ones being "mean and rude" for not inviting them out to someone else's party! Were we rude? Of course not. It wasn't our party. We did everything etiquette states to do, yet there were still hurt feelings.

You can be hurt and disappointed by someone's actions or lack thereof, but that doesn't mean they did anything wrong. Everyone in the group is not joined at the hip. A group of 15 is going to have some subgroups within it. Those people are allowed to do activities without including every single person if they want a more intimate experience or they don't want to try to coordinate 15 people's schedules. Going to the movies with 4 out of 15 if perfectly acceptable. Anything past the halfway mark, let's say 8 people, is where it gets fuzzy. Inviting 12,13, or 14 out of 15 is a definite no-no.
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