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Author Topic: Announcing your exit  (Read 5732 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2018, 10:18:43 AM »
In general, if the person is waiting for you, or would be inconvenienced by not knowing you're leaving, you should announce it.

So, if we're watching a show together, and I decide I'm done for the evening or need a break, I should say so. If we're sitting in the same room, reading our books, I don't need to say something if I get up to get a drink, or because I've decided I'd rather check my email.

If someone is doing you a favor, as in the van example, you should absolutely let them know when it's done. Preferably with "thanks for the ride, see you later" but at least "OK, that's everything."

This. It's perfectly simple to say, "This is my last load, thanks, honey," or "I think I'm burned out on TV for the night, but don't quit because of me."
If wisdoms ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

bah12

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2018, 10:34:45 AM »
To answer the general etiquette question: Yes, when someone is doing something with or for you, and you are leaving, you should announce your exit.  In the first scenario, letting you know he's finished would allow you to know that you don't have to wait for him anymore.  In the second, it let's you know not to expect him back since it's time you are spending together.

For your specific situation, it may be a case of your husband not valuing your time or it could be simple absent-mindedness (I don't know your story).
I once had someone in my life that would hang up the phone when he was done talking, but not say "good-bye" to let me know the conversation was over.  It was solved simply by me bringing it up.  He did not realize he was doing it nor how confused it left me.

You can try letting your husband know that you would appreciate him telling you when he is on his last trip so that you know to leave (or, can you help him unload his tools so that you both save time?).  For the second, you can ask him to let you know if he's not interested in watching the show or expects you to wait for his return to continue...(my guess here would be that you could watch the show without him, since he's not asking you to only watch with him and not telling you he's leaving so you can turn it off).   If his reaction is to make an effort to change, it's a good thing and if instead he gets angry/defensive or tells you that you are over-reacting, then you have more information on how he values you and your time.

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #17 on: April 04, 2018, 10:36:16 AM »
I wasnt trying to make this post specific to my situation. In general, should one announce their exit. Im guessing that most think like I do, and yes, you should.

Fair enough. Let me amend my previous opinion, then: treating anyone as if your time is more important or valuable than theirs is rude. So "leaving someone hanging" is very rude, and one should not do that.
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Roe

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2018, 01:10:55 PM »
In both scenarios, he is absolutely rude.  It doesn't matter if he's doing it to a spouse, friend, family, child, etc.  It's rude. 

bopper

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2018, 01:46:14 PM »
If you drive him again..."When you are done, can you come back and let me know or just let me know when you are taking the last trip so I can say goodbye?"

"If you leave to read, can you just let me know you are going to bed?"

Luci

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #20 on: April 04, 2018, 03:33:41 PM »
If you drive him again..."When you are done, can you come back and let me know or just let me know when you are taking the last trip so I can say goodbye?"

"If you leave to read, can you just let me know you are going to bed?"

This would be my nonconfrontive way to handle it.

This idea of your driving away immediately after you think his final load is done is too rude and abrupt to not cause waves. If he doesnt start responding right away, then Id stand by the van and ask "is this your last load?" for every trip.

For leaving the room, I simply ask "are you coming back?" When my DH gets something on his mind to do, he does forget to tell me. After all these years, thats just not something he has mastered.

DavidH

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #21 on: April 05, 2018, 02:40:17 PM »
Yes, its rude.  This should be easily solved by asking/reminding/telling him to tell you when its the last trip or when hes leaving the room.  Before Id passively aggressively drive off, Id make sure Id alerted him to the issue and given him time to correct it.

Oh Joy

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #22 on: April 05, 2018, 02:47:39 PM »
I was really surprised early in my marriage that I had to tell my DH that it's important to me that we say or kiss good morning/goodnight and hello/goodbye every day.  I thought it was a given, but it just wasn't part of his awareness that it would be expected by a spouse.

I think if I'd framed it as a demand or a judgment of him being wrong, it would have backfired.   But somehow just telling him that it has a lot of meaning to me as a love thing, well, it just worked.  (And, trust me, most of my other requests did not.)

Just another perspective.  Best wishes!

rose red

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #23 on: April 05, 2018, 04:15:32 PM »
Yes it's rude to let somebody hang (family, strangers, coworkers, etc)

In my family, we're not formal at all but at least we say a short "I'm done" or "I'm going to sleep," etc.

TootsNYC

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #24 on: April 05, 2018, 05:02:55 PM »
I wasnt trying to make this post specific to my situation. In general, should one announce their exit. Im guessing that most think like I do, and yes, you should.

When your exit affects what other people do with their time, and their involvement with you--then yes, you should.

If two people are doing separate activities in the living room, I don't think someone needs to announce their departure. (My husband announces it all the time, and sometimes it's annoying--just go do whatever already.)

cinnamonroll

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #25 on: April 06, 2018, 08:32:14 AM »
In your first example, it's rude not to let you know that he (or whomever) is done unloading/whatever task.  In your second example, if you're doing a common activity, absolutely you should say "I'm going to go do xyz, go ahead and watch whatever/pause it for me to come back.".  Even if my husband and I aren't sharing the same activity, if he's going to head outside/to the store for a while, he'll tell me so if I need him in an hour, I don't have to play "Where did the husband go?".  I do the same for him.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #26 on: April 07, 2018, 12:52:16 AM »
Yes, its rude.  This should be easily solved by asking/reminding/telling him to tell you when its the last trip or when hes leaving the room.  Before Id passively aggressively drive off, Id make sure Id alerted him to the issue and given him time to correct it.

This. Your husband's behaviour is rude, but it strikes me that it could be solved relatively easily by saying to him "Honey, could you let me know when you make your last trip, so I'm not left waiting around?" and "Hey, can you let me know if you're heading to bed or doing something else?"

OP, have you tried saying those things? (If you have, and your husband thinks your request is silly or unreasonable, I'm afraid you've got bigger problems...)

BlendedFamily

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2018, 03:26:26 PM »
Yes, its rude.  This should be easily solved by asking/reminding/telling him to tell you when its the last trip or when hes leaving the room.  Before Id passively aggressively drive off, Id make sure Id alerted him to the issue and given him time to correct it.

This. Your husband's behaviour is rude, but it strikes me that it could be solved relatively easily by saying to him "Honey, could you let me know when you make your last trip, so I'm not left waiting around?" and "Hey, can you let me know if you're heading to bed or doing something else?"

OP, have you tried saying those things? (If you have, and your husband thinks your request is silly or unreasonable, I'm afraid you've got bigger problems...)

I have unsuccessfully tried some of the suggestions. Maybe an easier example would be that early on, he would abruptly get up from a shared activity to go soak in the bath for an hour (or sometimes hed wait until I went for a smoke). When I addressed that years ago I was met with defensiveness and being told that its weird or controlling behaviour. With more recent behaviours, my requests have been fluffed aside or met with but you should be happy to help me/wait for me etc. I am glad that in general this is considered rude behaviour. Im glad Im not the odd one out that I DO announce my exits lol. Thanks all!
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NFPwife

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2018, 08:18:54 PM »
Yes, its rude.  This should be easily solved by asking/reminding/telling him to tell you when its the last trip or when hes leaving the room.  Before Id passively aggressively drive off, Id make sure Id alerted him to the issue and given him time to correct it.

This. Your husband's behaviour is rude, but it strikes me that it could be solved relatively easily by saying to him "Honey, could you let me know when you make your last trip, so I'm not left waiting around?" and "Hey, can you let me know if you're heading to bed or doing something else?"

OP, have you tried saying those things? (If you have, and your husband thinks your request is silly or unreasonable, I'm afraid you've got bigger problems...)

I have unsuccessfully tried some of the suggestions. Maybe an easier example would be that early on, he would abruptly get up from a shared activity to go soak in the bath for an hour (or sometimes hed wait until I went for a smoke). When I addressed that years ago I was met with defensiveness and being told that its weird or controlling behaviour. With more recent behaviours, my requests have been fluffed aside or met with but you should be happy to help me/wait for me etc. I am glad that in general this is considered rude behaviour. Im glad Im not the odd one out that I DO announce my exits lol. Thanks all!

If your polite efforts were rebuffed or met with defensiveness, then I would carry on without him. Your request isn't controlling it's asking for common courtesy. When you've waited a reasonable time, drive off. Or decide how long you have to devote to the errand and leave when that time has elapsed.

With tv shows or movies, just keep watching if that's your preference. He can catch up, or not, on his own.

Hugs. It can't be easy living with somone who doesn't extend basic courtesy.

kudeebee

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Re: Announcing your exit
« Reply #29 on: April 09, 2018, 12:47:01 AM »
Yes, in both instances, he should let you know he is done/leaving.

He could come to your window and say "This is my last trip.  See you."
If he is leaving the room, "I'm tired.  Think I'll go read in bed for a bit."