Funeral: How Not To Deliver Bad News !!!!!!!!!!!

[ClaireC79]

Not as bad because I was already sure of the result but when I got the results of the biopsy back for celiacs it was by way of 'tell your siblings and parents to be tested if they haven't already'
'so I take it the biopsy was positive?'
'yes, markedly so but we already knew it was going to be.'

Sadly I was aware already it was going to be positive due to the change in my health since cutting out gluten and the blood tests gave it away - if they are over 200 then you never get a negative biopsy, mine were 197 so pretty close

[Shiraz_Much?]

When I was 9, I got off the school bus on the corner of our street.  My brother, then 7, was riding his bike towards me.  He stopped in front of me and said "Guess who died today?"    I said "Um...I don't know" and then he proceeded to say the name of my grandmother who I was extremely close with.  I remember it like it was yesterday and I'm 38 now. 

I ran home and into the house to say to my parents "M told me something....is it true?" and they just nodded and I burst into tears.  It was years and years before I could even speak of her without crying, and I am not an overly emotional person. 

I do understand that he was young....but it hurt so much to find out that way.

[ArizonaGirl77]

My grandfather died in 2009 in a horrific car accident. He was as much my father as my biological father was and he and I were immensely close. His death absolutely, 100%, no doubt about it WRECKED ME.

So my - now EX - husband shows up at my friend's house where I was staying that weekend to "comfort"me. First thing he does upon walking in the house? Begins discussing this HORRIFIC car accident he passed on the way to said friend's house (it was NOT my grandfather's accident as that had been in CA and we were in TX). I just looked at him and said "REALLY?" and then walked out to him asking my friend "What is HER problem? I didn't say anything wrong!" 

Fast forward  a week and a half and I'm supposed to be packing for the trip to the funeral. However, I could not pack! I just couldn't! I knew if I packed and got on that plane that it meant Grandpa was really gone. So it's the night before the funeral and I'm out on the porch with EXH and he asks me when I'm going to pack. I fall apart and explain why I cant. He then takes that opportunity to go on an HOUR LONG DIATRIBE against me about my "over dramatization" of this event! It was just my GRANDFATHER why do I have to be such a DRAMA QUEEN all the time! I'm so immature! I need to grow up! It went on, and on, and on, and on, and on! It was horrible! And, YES, he DID know how close Grandpa and I were!

Then, while I'm out of town for the funeral, I talked to him like 3 times in the week I was gone and each time he'd make snide comments about how nice my vacation from the kids must be, how I must be enjoying my vacation, was I going to come home with a suntan? Etc. It was my friend that got me through it! She called me every night, texted me throughout the days, and helped me stay strong!

It is still a horrible memory for me to even think about!

[Donna]

I loved my mother very much, but she was dreadful at delivering bad news.  There was a family in our little town with kids the same age as all of us.  I was talking to my mother on the phone when I was about 23.  She said 'Weren't you friends with Neighbor Girl?"  I said yes.  She said "Well, she killed herself by <insert gruesome manner here>."  Then she went on to a different subject while I sat there in shock.

When my grandmother died she called and said "Do you have any plans tonight?" I said yes, and I described what I had planned.  She said "Well, Grandma died."  She gets something of a pass on that one; my grandmother was her mother, and it had been a terrible day for her, but my grandmother and I had been especially close and I just fell apart.  She called the next day and apologized, but I wasn't mad at all because I couldn't imagine what it was like to have your mother die.  When she died and I got to experience it first hand, I totally understood.  But still, when my Great-Aunt died, my mother had my sister call me.

[LeeLee88]

I loved my mother very much, but she was dreadful at delivering bad news.  There was a family in our little town with kids the same age as all of us.  I was talking to my mother on the phone when I was about 23.  She said 'Weren't you friends with Neighbor Girl?"  I said yes.  She said "Well, she killed herself by <insert gruesome manner here>."  Then she went on to a different subject while I sat there in shock.

When my grandmother died she called and said "Do you have any plans tonight?" I said yes, and I described what I had planned.  She said "Well, Grandma died."  She gets something of a pass on that one; my grandmother was her mother, and it had been a terrible day for her, but my grandmother and I had been especially close and I just fell apart.  She called the next day and apologized, but I wasn't mad at all because I couldn't imagine what it was like to have your mother die.  When she died and I got to experience it first hand, I totally understood.  But still, when my Great-Aunt died, my mother had my sister call me.

To the bolded: sounds a lot like what my mom did when a good friend of mine committed suicide.  My friend and I had mostly lost touch after we began college, but still sent a couple e-mails, things of that nature, and I knew she was going through a bit of a rough patch, but had no idea she was so bad off.  I was far away in another state with a boyfriend, and my mom called me to tell me what happened, and obviously, I got very emotional.  She told me that was unnecessary, and so I hung up on her.  Luckily, my boyfriend's mother was a grief counselor, and he took me right to her after calling her to say what had happened.  He even fielded a phone call from my mom the very next day asking if I was still upset, and when he confirmed that obviously I was, she goes, "Good grief, she's not over that yet?!".  He almost dislocated his jaw, it fell to the floor so hard.

[boxy]

I flew home after a visit with my folks - including a nice visit with my gramma.  The next morning I opened my emails (which were plentiful after being gone a week) and there was one from my mother saying, "gramma died last night." 

Unbelievable.

[Lauren]

My dad got his biopsy news really bad. The receptionist called up and said 'You have to come in so we can discuss your cancer treatment' This was just after being in hospital for two weeks suffering from sceptecemia from it.

My parents being in complete shock, went out for lunch and turned their phones off. A family friend told me and by the time they got home I was hysterical as they just weren't answering their phones.

[amylouky]

Sounds about like how I got my biopsy results.. I got a voicemail from my doc's assistant, telling me that my appointment with the oncologist was set for X date/time.. only problem was that no one had bothered to tell me that I had cancer yet.   

[Twik]

My mother has an unfortunate tendency to start with, "I have bad news about so and so..."

And then tell the story from the start. The "start" being something like, "Well, there was this Big Bang, and the Universe started to form...."

I've been reduced to begging, "But what about so-and-so!" long before she reaches, say, the discovery of fire and flint tools.

[girlysprite]

Luckily I have no experience with people who delivered bad news in bad ways. I have been the messager myself, and I did a good job though it wasn't easy in one particular case.
I was in the hospital after a call from my BIL that something had happened to my sister. I went over there and got the big bad news from a police officer. I called my mother to say that I'd be over at her house for something important, so I could tell it face ot face. I figured I would let brother come over too, for the same reason.
I call him and tell him he should come over, there is something about my sister. Now, my sister has been in the hospital before because of an overdose (no, not an accident). My brother thinks its something like that, that she is on the stomach pump again and gets angry at her and me, and even starts shouting. Luckily, I managed to stop him in his stacks before he manages to say anything bad, and tell him to just get over there. Which he luckily did. He had heard from my mom already in the meantime, and was a sobbing mess when he tried to apologize to me.

Maybe my brother sounds like a bad guy here, but he had already raced to the hospital twice before in three years before that, because of voluntary overdose from my sister. He is quite hot tempered and jumped to the wrong conclusions - but then again, who would expect a death call on any given day? he apologized and meant it, and I wasn't even upset with that in the first place (had other things to be upset about) so it was fine.

And yeah, close relatives who have to relay the big bad news should be given a lot of leeway. It's not something you're trained in, and with a head full of grief it's easy to blurt it out all wrong.

[One Fish, Two Fish]

When I was 16, I was riding on a motorcycle with my boyfriend Phil, when we were hit by another car. I don't remember the accident, but I know phil gave me his helmet. When I woke up in the hospital, with a broken arm and leg, I asked if I could see Phil.

The nurse said "when you get up walking, we'll take you to the morgue."

Almost 30 years later, I still occasionally dream about it.   

That broke my heart.

[NutMeg]

I found out a close friend had died via a phone call in the middle of the night that woke me from a dead sleep. I checked afterward, the call was less than a minute long. It consisted of mutual friend screaming hysterically "X is dead, X is dead! She *insert gruesome method of killing oneself*. I have to go, the police are here." *click*

I swear, I almost went back to sleep because the phone call was so short and so bizarre that I hadn't really processed it at all. And then I suddenly realized what the words meant, and I was awake.

[jedikaiti]

Then, they planned the funeral for Saturday, the day before my birthday. I think it's pretty safe to say that birthday was the worst birthday I've ever had. Everyone tried to be happy and give me a nice birthday dinner, but I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out.

My BF's family scheduled his grandfather's funeral for the same day as his b-day. "Are you SURE you want to do it on Tuesday?" he asked. "Of course, why not?" they replied.

It was DURING the funeral that they remembered it was his b-day, and came up with the bright idea of having a "party" with the leftover food from the funeral. His very good friend, who had come with him to the funeral, put her foot down and dragged him off for a decent dinner and a few drinks.

I know, I'm late to the thread. I'm new to the board and catching up.

[Mental Magpie]

Then, they planned the funeral for Saturday, the day before my birthday. I think it's pretty safe to say that birthday was the worst birthday I've ever had. Everyone tried to be happy and give me a nice birthday dinner, but I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out.

My BF's family scheduled his grandfather's funeral for the same day as his b-day. "Are you SURE you want to do it on Tuesday?" he asked. "Of course, why not?" they replied.

It was DURING the funeral that they remembered it was his b-day, and came up with the bright idea of having a "party" with the leftover food from the funeral. His very good friend, who had come with him to the funeral, put her foot down and dragged him off for a decent dinner and a few drinks.

I know, I'm late to the thread. I'm new to the board and catching up.

Don't worry about it; old threads get revived all of the time.

Your friend should have spoken up about it being his birthday that day, too.  When there is so much else going on, especially with death (I told my mom, who didn't believe me about something, to go ask my dad about it...three days after he had just died  ), people tend not to realize things.  I can't really fault his family for not remembering it was his birthday (though really, you would think someone would have remembered and I would be upset if I were him, too), but they definitely ruined everything by then trying to use the leftover funeral food for a party.  That's what would have ticked off me.

[Lady Macbeth]

My grandma died when I was 18. I was on my way to work (still lived with the parents) when my mom's car passed me as I was stopped at the light by the house. She leaned out the window and told me to come home instead of going to work. Grandma had been sick a while so I knew what she was going to say when I got home.

Mom had called my boss to tell her I wouldn't be able to work that evening and why (I was really close to Grandma). My boss responded with, "Why can't she work? She doesn't have to go to the funeral tonight!"

Grandma died two days before my senior prom. She knew she was on her way out and had ordered that the visitation/funeral not be held until after prom. I am still touched by her thoughtfulness, but it was a pretty bittersweet prom.