Funeral: How Not To Deliver Bad News !!!!!!!!!!!

[Chipmunky]

DH has a terrible habit of leaving his phone on silent after work. April 2014, his Dad was trying to reach him couldn't get through.

FIL calls my phone, immediately says "I need to speak to my son." No hello, no preamble. I hand the phone over, hear FIL ask DH if he is seated, and then tells DH "BIL's dead."  DH doesn't remember hearing anything beyond that point, but I heard FIL talking about travelling to BIL's city that night, and where to meet them (we took two vehicles). BIL was only 27. There's really no good way for a parent to tell their child that a sibling is gone, or vice versa.

On a somewhat lighter note, my paternal grandmother (PG) lived with us starting when I was 2. She was in her late 80s, had very advanced alzheimers, and she was very mean, especially to me (she had no idea who I was). She died a few months after I turned 6. My mom walked in to check on her that morning, discovered she'd passed during the night, and quietly got me ready for school and on the bus before calling Dad (who was out of town) and the non emergency lines to report the death. She did not want me overwhelmed and upset by a bunch of strange people in the house to remove the body, and at that time it was only her at the house to handle everything (no funeral, direct cremation, and a jerk of an assistant Medical Examiner trying to imply she had done something wrong).  She did come to pick me up early from school, explained to the principal and guidance counselor what was going on (they in turn told my teacher) just as an alert in case I seemed off or whatever the next few days.

When I got in the car and was informed of PG's death, to my mom's surprise/relief, my reaction was to pump my fist and say "Yes!" (Remember, my sole impression of this woman was 4 years of a mean lady who tried to pinch and hit me, and whom I had to call Grandma).  I apparently made the guidance counselor nervous over the next few weeks due to my lack of negative emotional response to PG's death.

[Minmom3]

My husband died last January.  We knew it was coming in the next day or two, but when DD#1 (not young, she's 30) got to the hospital to go up to his room, security had her check in, and told her he wasn't in his room, that she should check at home, maybe he'd gone there.  Poor girl started crying then and there, knowing he'd died overnight, and security had a nurse come and talk to her and ask if she wanted to see him in the morgue.  DD said she'd wait until the rest of us got there, and started phoning every one. 

I really, REALLY want to talk to an ombudsman at the hospital and ask them how they plan to improve that, because that was a wretched way to find out for my poor girl.

[------]

My husband died last January.  We knew it was coming in the next day or two, but when DD#1 (not young, she's 30) got to the hospital to go up to his room, security had her check in, and told her he wasn't in his room, that she should check at home, maybe he'd gone there.  Poor girl started crying then and there, knowing he'd died overnight, and security had a nurse come and talk to her and ask if she wanted to see him in the morgue.  DD said she'd wait until the rest of us got there, and started phoning every one. 

I really, REALLY want to talk to an ombudsman at the hospital and ask them how they plan to improve that, because that was a wretched way to find out for my poor girl.

 ((((((Minmom3)))))) 

[nuit93]

My husband died last January.  We knew it was coming in the next day or two, but when DD#1 (not young, she's 30) got to the hospital to go up to his room, security had her check in, and told her he wasn't in his room, that she should check at home, maybe he'd gone there.  Poor girl started crying then and there, knowing he'd died overnight, and security had a nurse come and talk to her and ask if she wanted to see him in the morgue.  DD said she'd wait until the rest of us got there, and started phoning every one. 

I really, REALLY want to talk to an ombudsman at the hospital and ask them how they plan to improve that, because that was a wretched way to find out for my poor girl.

Big hugs! I'm so sorry that happened.

[jedikaiti]

I think you absolutely should! That is horrible!

[Kariachi]

DH has a terrible habit of leaving his phone on silent after work. April 2014, his Dad was trying to reach him couldn't get through.

FIL calls my phone, immediately says "I need to speak to my son." No hello, no preamble. I hand the phone over, hear FIL ask DH if he is seated, and then tells DH "BIL's dead."  DH doesn't remember hearing anything beyond that point, but I heard FIL talking about travelling to BIL's city that night, and where to meet them (we took two vehicles). BIL was only 27. There's really no good way for a parent to tell their child that a sibling is gone, or vice versa.

On a somewhat lighter note, my paternal grandmother (PG) lived with us starting when I was 2. She was in her late 80s, had very advanced alzheimers, and she was very mean, especially to me (she had no idea who I was). She died a few months after I turned 6. My mom walked in to check on her that morning, discovered she'd passed during the night, and quietly got me ready for school and on the bus before calling Dad (who was out of town) and the non emergency lines to report the death. She did not want me overwhelmed and upset by a bunch of strange people in the house to remove the body, and at that time it was only her at the house to handle everything (no funeral, direct cremation, and a jerk of an assistant Medical Examiner trying to imply she had done something wrong).  She did come to pick me up early from school, explained to the principal and guidance counselor what was going on (they in turn told my teacher) just as an alert in case I seemed off or whatever the next few days.

When I got in the car and was informed of PG's death, to my mom's surprise/relief, my reaction was to pump my fist and say "Yes!" (Remember, my sole impression of this woman was 4 years of a mean lady who tried to pinch and hit me, and whom I had to call Grandma).  I apparently made the guidance counselor nervous over the next few weeks due to my lack of negative emotional response to PG's death.

I had the same positive reaction when my step-grandfather died.

The man had been horrible from the moment he met my Grandmother (for one thing, who leaves his wife, who's on the dead end of cancer, can't work, etc, to handle house and kids alone so he can move in with the minister's wife while the man is in a coma?), abusive towards the kids from the start, and it sure didn't stop when grandkids came into the picture. We're talking "I don't like your table manners so you eat out of a dog bowl on the floor now" sorta deal. So we avoided visiting, for years, because my dad was not having that man around his kids. Pretty sure he would have preferred the man not be around his family at all, but he settled for just us.

Well a few years back guess who got cancer. And guess who didn't get treatment because the Lord would do right by him. Karma bit him hard. 

So he dies on a Sunday and we don't say anything to the family but we are happy. On Monday, I had my Psych 101 class. So I go through my normal routine, but I'm happy so I go and buy myself some nice chocolates because I never have to worry about this guy hurting my family again.

Psych teacher asked what the occasion was, I said my step-grandfather had died and apologized for not bringing enough for everyone to celebrate but I didn't have that kind of money.

She didn't seem all that surprised a few months later when I asked how to tell when you need mental help.

(Please note that I don't normally condone evil laughter at someone's illness, but it was just so thematically perfect and he was so awful)

[z_squared82]

My father left me a voicemail my senior year of college. “Hey, check the obits on OurCity.com. It looks like (kid I went to grade school with) was killed. Love you, bye.”

Although I hadn’t talked to this classmate in *years*, he and I had the same birthday. The only two in the class who could say that who weren’t twins. It hit me hard, being reminded of my own mortality.

I told my mother to talk to her husband about how inappropriate that was and didn’t talk to Dad for a few weeks.

[gepetto]

My late husband had lung cancer and actually passed rather suddenly away at home.  The ambulance got here and the first question I was asked was, "does your husband have a do not resuscitate order?"

I live in a small town, so one of the EMTs drove me in my car to the hospital. When the receptionist asked me what was wrong with my husband, I didn't know what to say.  Before I could whisper, "I think he's dead, hon" the EMT told her it was a "total code."  He even stayed with me when I was ushered into the little room to wait for the doctor. 

[Miss Understood]

About a month after my mother died, while I was still reeling from the loss, my father called me at my then-boyfriend's house (now my DH) and announced with no preamble that my brother (only sibling) had been in a terrible car accident.  I almost collapsed to the floor thinking that he must be dead - actually it turned out he was badly injured but his injuries were not life-threatening.  I know my Dad was still a little out of his head too because of my Mom (more than I was even) but I still wished he could have started off with "he's going to be ok, but..."

Speaking of DB, when I was in college I went to a tree-decorating party at his house and he randomly said "oh that is terrible about 'John Smith' isn't it?"  I had not heard that John, who had grown up down the street from us and was my classmate for 8 years of grammar school, had died in a drunk-driving accident the week before.  Kind of spoiled the festivity of tree-decorating.

[dawnfire]

I found out my maternal uncle had passed away from a group email from my cousin. The other people on the Email had already been told of his passing. My aunt (uncle's sister) was supposed to call me but didn't. I don't know whether she genuinely forgot or wanted us to look bad as she didn't (still doesn't) like my husband.

[diesel_darlin]

My Mom found out that her Uncle, my Grandpa's last surviving sibling, had died when my Grandma saw his obituary in the paper. 

[Otterpop]

My Mom found out that her Uncle, my Grandpa's last surviving sibling, had died when my Grandma saw his obituary in the paper. 

I found out my uncle died, two weeks after the funeral when my aunt sent out a memorial card.  My cousin was supposed to phone me but deemed me non-essential after all other family, co-workers, neighbors, mailpersons, bin emptiers, dog walkers, etc. were notified.

Yeah, after that and other "you don't matter unless I need something" incidents I have nothing to do with them.

[gmatoy]

Not quite the same thing, but I was having lunch with someone when the news came on and said that a missing child had been found, dead. I expressed my sorrow and then said that I was glad that the family knew and could give her a decent burial. The other person started to rail at me, I was cruel and insensitive, hearing that was never a good thing, and on and on. Finally, when I could get a word in edgewise, I asked if she had ever been in that situation.

She had not.

I had. My brother went missing and was later found. I remember that we were crushed that he was dead, but we felt blessed to know where he was.  I never spent any more time with the other person.  I felt like she wanted to think the worst, no taking the time to find out why I would say such a thing.

[Winterlight]

This one is not as serious. A friend told me this story about some of her relatives. Junior, the oldest child, had gone off to a university on the other side of the country. He developed acute appendicitis and had to have emergency surgery before it ruptured (he recovered perfectly). The university health service called his parents.

By all reports, the university person handled it well. That is, once the university person could tell the story. Dad answered the phone. Dad was not the kind of person who did well in a crisis.  The caller got as far as "Mr. Smith? I'm so-and-so from university health services. Your son, Junior, has been admitted to our hospital..." At which point, Dad toppled over in a dead faint. Mom took over and got everything sorted out.

For the rest of his life, Dad never again answered the phone.

When I gave out health information to people, for years I'd say, "Ask for my mom. If she's not there, dad is OK but trust me, talking to mom would be easier for everyone!"

My husband died last January.  We knew it was coming in the next day or two, but when DD#1 (not young, she's 30) got to the hospital to go up to his room, security had her check in, and told her he wasn't in his room, that she should check at home, maybe he'd gone there.  Poor girl started crying then and there, knowing he'd died overnight, and security had a nurse come and talk to her and ask if she wanted to see him in the morgue.  DD said she'd wait until the rest of us got there, and started phoning every one. 

I really, REALLY want to talk to an ombudsman at the hospital and ask them how they plan to improve that, because that was a wretched way to find out for my poor girl.

Wow. They really need an overhaul. I hope you do talk to them, because nobody needs to be treated like that.

[songbird]

My father met my mother's cousin E when both men were serving in the Army during WW II.  Interestingly, they share the same surname.  It's a fairly common name.

After the war, my father spent a lot of time with E and E's older brother M.   E and M introduced my father to my mother. 

A few years ago, my parents purchased cemetery plots from a burial society; my mother's cousin M is the president of the burial society.

My father passed away earlier this month at age 88.  When I spoke with the funeral director, I gave him he information about the cemetery plots.

I was so grateful when, a short time later, he called me back to tell me "the president of the society must sign off on some paperwork.  I noticed that the president is M [last name], and I'm wondering if M is a relative."

Thank goodness he did not cold call my mother's 90 year old cousin.