Avoiding interrupting roommate?

[RuneGuardian]

I have a question dealing with my roommate. There's three of us who share a one-bedroom, and my other roommate chose the far end of the living room as her bedroom, and me and "Allison" share the bedroom. This was never a problem before and still isn't. Allison's boyfriend lives with us pretty much (hates his roommates, so he stays and sleeps here), so they have to try and cram into a twin-sized bed. They took to camping out on the living room floor a while back, probably due to the bed being so tiny for the two of them. Keep in mind that Allisons's BF is not my third roommate - in total, there's four of us in here.

That's the back story, and now here's the actual thing that's bugging me. I'm always worried about 'interrupting' these two. I've done so once before on accident, but I simply moved to where I was originally going as if I saw nothing and paid them no heed. There are times when I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or needing to get a drink and I always find myself going nuts with thirst or trying my best not to wet my pants because I worry I'll walk in on these two. Occasionally, they pass out in the bedroom early. My computer is in my bedroom and I usually surf the net until late at night, or I do homework. Many times I have done homework at the last minute because they were 'busy' and I didn't want to go and get my computer, or I was worried about interrupting them.

Please note they aren't...umm...occupying themselves constantly. I guess the worry is just there because I know it's embarrassing, among other things, to have someone interrupt you in that way. Any advice? I ended up sleeping on the couch a few nights ago because Allison and her BF were in the bedroom and I knew they weren't asleep...needless to say, the couch gave me a backache which still has not gone away. Any thoughts? Should I continue doing what I'm doing, or should I feel free to come and go into the bedroom as I choose considering it's my room too? I have no problem with Allison - she's a really cool girl, as is her BF...which is why I want to respect them and their [sort of] alone time.

[fklwmn]

I'm not clear on whether you are interrupting them in the bedroom or (as it actually sounds) in the livingroom?

My first instinct is to say that if they are *entertaining each other* in the living room floor then they are just ASKING to be interrupted. Plus, isn't your other roommate sleeping in the living room as well? *sheesh!* So my first instinct is to say, don't worry about it and let them be embarrassed until they figure out that this is not an appropriate place to be amorous...

But then again, you could come up with a simple solution such as knocking on your bedroom door before you exit, to let them know you are coming out and give them a chance to cover up or whatever else they need to do. If they are in the bedroom, you and your roommate should come up with some sort of a signal for when the room is 'occupied.' like a scarf around the doorknob or something :-)

[ShadesOfGrey]

respecting them is one thing, not being able to enter your room or essentially modifying your sheduled plans around their love schedule is another.  Perhaps you could work out a schedule with her - something like, weekends are ok, but weekdays are off limits?

for now, I would just say use the room as if nothing were going on (they are expecting you to accomodate them, but they are not accomodating you).  Go get your computer when you need it.  give a slight knock first (but dont wait for a "come in").  definitely talk to her, but remember its you and her that need to work things out, not you, her and him.  a simple "hey, I dont want to embarrass anyone, but there seems to be a lot of times when I need to do things/want to sleep/need my computer and you and bf are in there.  can we reach some sort of an understanding about this issue?" she may not even realize what's going on. 

bottom line is - they really shouldnt be doing that unless they are sure people are going to be gone-it's really rude (intentionally or not).

good luck!

[stanthedevil]

I would also take issue with her boyfriend basically living with you.  When you add a fourth roommate, the costs go up for utilities.  If he is living there or there more than half the time, he should be contributing a share of the rent and utilities.

Additionally, you should not have to dramatically adjust your schedule to accomodate their relationship.  I would talk to your roommate and see if arrangements can be made.  If you can't come to an agreement, walking in on them may be embarassing, but maybe after a couple of incidents, they'll realize that some kind of arrangement needs to be made.

[RuneGuardian]

fklwmn: It's mostly worrying about interrupting them in the living room, since that's where they stay most of the time. My other roommate wasn't home for quite a while, so they were not disturbing her out in the living room. I do usually knock - not loudly if it's very late because I worry I'll wake them, and then I'll open the door very slowly so, if they didn't hear my knock, they'll probably see or hear the door opening and I won't get the bird's eye view of whatever they were doing. Thanks for the input about the scarf or what-not over the doorknob - if this gets to be a huge problem, I'll ask them about it.

rdge: My schedule and Allison's schedule (in terms of classes) are sort of similar, so we're home pretty much at the same time. They save their playtime for late at night, which I had the displeasure of waking up to before they moved themselves out in the living room  . I know there's rare times when I'm not home, like when I go and hang out with my friend, go to school for reasons other than class, or elsewhere. I guess I feel weird asking her about any sort of schedule because I think their chances to do anything romantic are scant due to everyone being home, as well as roommates' friends coming over.

stanthedevil: Allison's BF living with us is not a problem financially. We live in school-sponsored apartments and we do not pay rent in the 'normal' fashion. Her BF lives in the same building as us, so he doesn't need to be signed in or anything, and his staying with us, as far as I know, does not impact the cost of utilities. As far as the situation I had been discussing, though, I think they chose early morning hours for themselves because they figure no one is going to be awake at that hour...or if they are awake, will not have a reason to use anything outside the bedroom. It's kind of hard to avoid them because the bathroom is right next to where they have their sleeping area set up, and to get to the kitchen I need to pretty much step over them.

Thank you all for your advice in the matter. I'm thinking I may just have to allow them to get embarrassed when I'm having a bathroom emergency.

[Sophia]

They have had sex with you in the room.  Sleeping, but you were in the room.  In that case, I think I would pretend they were the invisible people.  If they weren't already under a blanket, I would throw one over them.  I wonder if one or both of them likes the idea of someone being around?  I would also never, ever sleep on the couch again.  You have a bed that you paid for. 

[Slartibartfast]

Part of the tough thing about living with other people is not having as much "personal" time.  Your roommate and her boyfriend have NO RIGHT to make you uncomfortable in your own apartment - especially since he's not even supposed to be living there!

I think you need to have a very frank talk with your roommate:

"Allison, I realize your boyfriend's roommate situation stinks, but it makes me uncomfortable when the two of you are both here because I'm afraid I'm going to walk in on your private time together.  Even though I know you are both probably sound asleep on the living room floor, I don't feel comfortable walking out of the bedroom in the middle of the night because I'm afraid I'm going to walk in and embarass you, which would also embarass me.  Can we set some guidelines for your private time with your boyfriend so I'll know when I need to give you some space, and when I don't need to worry?"

Then lay out some rules.  Only when you're not home, or only in the bedroom with the door locked and a "do not enter" sign on the door, or only somewhere outside the apartment?  Can you specify what exactly makes you uncomfortable?  ("I'm okay with you kissing in public, but if either of you are partially unclothed, I don't want to see it?")  Does she need to give you advance warning that he's going to be over?  (Not that I'd expect them to be able to say "I plan to have sex on Friday!", just that if they didn't tell you they'd be there, they would behave themselves even if they thought you weren't looking.)

Trust me, this is a LOT easier to talk about now, when you're not really mad, than it is when you walk in on them in the middle of things.

[Buffy2424]

I think I get where you're coming from.  You're all in the same boat and it's best to try and deal. 

I don't know how exactly your living room fits in the layout, but since it's not a big unit... Would it be possible to get a tall accordian partition (or three) that would essentially make a mini-hallway from the bedroom to the bathroom and/or kitchen? 

Just ones from say, walmart, and you can even decorate them?  If you can't afford that, maybe make them out of thick cardboard or something?

You'd know they were there, and they'd know you were there, but I picture you passing by without actually seeing them.

[housewife2k]

I understand that your roommates BF has a bad living situation with his roommates, but isn't there any available time for them to have...well..."special" time at his place? It is very rude of them to A) use the common areas and B) kick you out of your room. I've had roommates, I've shared rooms. The accaptable agreement we came up with was 'let me know when you need some time together, and I'll go out for coffee for two hours, otherwise I will loudly color commentate everything you are doing" They didn't adhere, I blushed bright red and stood in the hallway loudly exclaiming on his technique. Not a nice thing, but it made the agreement stick from there on out.

[Gyro Widget]

"They save their playtime for late at night, which I had the displeasure of waking up to before they moved themselves out in the living room "

That is the ultimate sign of disrespect from a room mate.  I'll never understand why two people cannot control their urges long enough to wait for a more suitable time when nobody is around. 

Being a good, respectful, co-operative room mate does not mean being a pushover.  They are getting some kind of gratification from their "activities" while people are around (trust me, I've had aquaintances and room mates that have done the same thing) and you do not have to stand for it.  I can bet that if they lived on their own, they wouldnt be as active - they're doing it as a way to disrespect you and assert some kind of primitive authority. 

Please do not neglect your health by sleeping on the couch, nor your studies for the sake that these two  can cavort around the apartment, consumating in every room that they so desire, whenever they please.   You pay your rent (you pay more technically considering HER rent is being split between the two of them) so you have the right to a safe, comfortable place to live. 

I also second the "weekend only" rule for over night guests.  If she has a problem with it, she might be more comfortable just renting an apartment with her BF (really, I can't figure out why people like that just dont do that in the first place!) 

[Morty'sCleaningLady]

Hi Rune,

I've been there as well.  Of course my college years were over a decade ago, but there is nothing worse than trying to sleep while your roommate is 'entertaining'.  Please lay down some ground rules.  You are paying the same rent/housing allowance that she is and you are being severely inconvenienced.  If the boyfriend really dislikes his roommates so much, why don't they 'entertain' themselves there?  It's rude and inconsiderate and you haven't done anything to deserve that behavior.

Good luck!
A

[Lady Vavasour]

This doesn't sound like a good situation you're in at all. It's not fair on you for her boyfriend to be staying over so often, especially when you share a room! It's just not good flatmate etiquette to have your boyfriend or girlfriend staying over all the time.

You're the one paying rent, not him. You should say something to her. Hopefully she is mature enough to take it well, as it sounds like she is.

[Lady Vavasour]

f the boyfriend really dislikes his roommates so much, why don't they 'entertain' themselves there?  It's rude and inconsiderate and you haven't done anything to deserve that behavior.

Touché!

[blarg314]

It also sounds like your roommate is in a bind, as you say that you have pretty similar schedules and are generally in the apartment at the same time.  It's hard to be discreet when there really isn't any private place or alone time available, and asking your roommate to commit to celibacy or rent a hotel is a bit extreme.

I think what you need to do is *talk* about it with your roommates, preferably without the boyfriend around.   You need a warning system or some way to avoid inadvertently walking in on them or having to rearrange your schedule, and they need a safe time and place to get it on, without having to worry about someone walking in on them, but you need to come to some sort of agreement. I like the idea of a portable divider in the living room, to block off the sleeping area, so you can go to the bathroom at night

How do people who share a single dorm room manage?  I know I wouldn't be comfortable being in a room with someone having sex in the bed beside me, and would also resent being kicked out of my room for long periods, but the roommate has a life too, and not many other options.

[RuneGuardian]

At times, I don't think it's necessarily Allison's idea to entertain with other people in the room or within earshot. The couple times I have woke up to their escapades, her boyfriend seemed to be very...umm...controlling in what he was saying to her. I have a feeling it's him who wants action regardless of who can hear or see them because I can't envision Allison in that way. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he coerces her, but it's definitely not my place to ask her about it.

As for a warning of sorts, I sometimes get that because they make their activities very audible from the living room. If that's the case, I usually wait until things get quiet before I leave the bedroom if I need the kitchen or bathroom. This doesn't happen frequently enough for it to be a huge problem, but as I said before, I was just worried about embarrassing my roommate by interrupting her and her beau. MrsBart, I wish they would go be romantic in his apartment.