Bad Classmates...Tell Your Story (or Stories)

[aloe]

I don't think it's done much anymore, but when I was a kid, the gym teacher would choose two of the most popular girls to be team captains.  Each captain would pick girls for their teams until the last (most unpopular kids) were picked.
Guess who was last?   
Because of situations like this, I grew to hate sports.  It was only until I was 30 that I picked up tennis, and have subsequently turned into an excellent athlete at a game I love.
I was one those awkward kids too--I wore glasses, had out-of-control hair and was terrified of bullies so much that I threw up my breakfast every day before Junior High.  My parents were kind and well-meaning, but didn't understand.
"Just ignore them," they'd say.
Later, I found out how phony those kids were. At 14, I got contacts and grew my hair long and developed a pretty figure.  My former tormenters approached me in a friendly manner and told me that I looked good.  I turned away and still avoided them.

[Brentwood]

I don't understand why kids don't tell.  I was never a mom who disbelieved my kids.  I always assumed they were telling me the truth. 

I didn't tell my parents out of a misguided sense of protecting them from the pain I was feeling. I knew that my hurt would become their hurt, and I didn't want that. I didn't want them to know what I was going through. I never feared disbelief - I knew they would believe me.

[StaciNadia]

Between 3rd and 4th grade, I don't know what happened, but I had less friends.  I guess they didn't want to bother with me.  In gym one day in 4th grade, we were sitting in the bleachers, when all a sudden, one girl came up behind me and started strangling me.  I couldn't get her hands off, but I think one of the other girls got her off me.  Some of the others made sure I was okay.  I didn't tell the gym teacher, and I didn't tell my mom, either, even though I had marks on my neck.  I can't remember what I told her they were from.  She found out when another mother called her because her daughter told her what happened.

In the middle of sixth grade, I moved, and I didn't make any friends till the eighth grade.  The kids would make fun of my accent (I was from MA, so I said "Struck'-sha" for structure).  In seventh grade, a girl who I thought was my friend was talking about drugs and handed me a bag of white powder she said was cocaine.  I was pretty sure it was just sugar or something else, but not entirely, so I threw it out with lunch, and asked a nice teacher if I could stay in her classroom for lunch for the rest of the year...

[RoseRose]

I don't understand why kids don't tell.  I was never a mom who disbelieved my kids.  I always assumed they were telling me the truth. 

I didn't tell my parents out of a misguided sense of protecting them from the pain I was feeling. I knew that my hurt would become their hurt, and I didn't want that. I didn't want them to know what I was going through. I never feared disbelief - I knew they would believe me.

I was the same... and I also knew all the advice I would have gotten would have been bad (once my mom died).  I didn't want to upset my parents.  Kids want to protect their parents.  I know I have since I was 5.

In the 1970s and 1980s, apparently, all it took was the ability to say in a falsely sympathetic tone, "You know you're just egging them on by reacting.  If you ignore them and walk away, they'll stop."  Repeat that over and over and over again, do absolutely nothing else (except deny there was a problem), and presto!  You're a school guidance counselor.

Ummm... my counselor in Jr. High in 2000 said the same thing.  EVERYONE told me that in Jr. High...

[Kirasabu]

And they wonder why some of us choose to be Childfree! All I'll say is, I'm glad I never had to live my young life again through someone else - especially my innocent child!

[sammycat]

I find this thread very therapeutic! It seems as though alot of people had a hard time in school, it wasn't just me! As a previous poster mentioned, I can empathize with the school shooters - nothing makes what they did right, but I can see how a person might snap and open fire on their tormentors.

Thank you for saying what I was thinking but wasn't game enough to say.


In the 1970s and 1980s, apparently, all it took was the ability to say in a falsely sympathetic tone, "You know you're just egging them on by reacting.  If you ignore them and walk away, they'll stop."  Repeat that over and over and over again, do absolutely nothing else (except deny there was a problem), and presto!  You're a school guidance counselor

Yes, it was all the victim's fault.   I just hope and pray my children are never bullied at school, and God help them if they become bullies.  To be honest, I worry more about them being the victims of bullies than I do about drugs.

Half way through my first year of high school (1983) one of the girls in my group suddenly turned against me.  I had had such a good start to the year with very good grades, had made lots of friends and was liked by my teachers.   At the mid way point I had to go into hospital for a week and when I returned to school I had a cast on my leg, which garnered more attention for me.  It turned out she was incredibly jealous of her younger sister, and when she saw the attention I was getting for my leg, combined with everything else, she went ballistic.  She started spreading rumours about me and hooked up with one girl who was a complete and utter nutcase.  Together they conspired to make my life hell.  It was never physical, just verbal.  I'm so glad that MSN and texting weren't around then as I'm sure they would loved to have those tools at their disposal. Thankfully I managed to retain some friends but from then on in I dreaded school.  My mother complained to the school but was given the old "just ignore them/blame the victim" routine.

If I ever found out my children were being bullied at school I would raise holy hell and wouldn't back down till I was satisfied with the result. My mother did say she used to lie in bed awake at night thinking of ways she's like to kill the girl who was causing me all that pain.   We moved overseas at the end of grade 10 and it was strange going to school each day (grades 11 and 12) and actually enjoying it.

This situation caused me to have many trust issues, particularly when amongst groups of people.  Thankfully the kids' at my new school were very nice and when I had my first child in my mid 20s I formed a playgroup with a lovely bunch of women.  It did, though, take me a couple of years to stop wondering when the other shoe would drop - so far thankfully it hasn't, and knowing these ladies it never will.

[Lauren]

This is nowhere near as bad as everyone else's but at the time it devestated me.

I was in Year 11 History and for a joint presentation our teacher pulled names out of a hat. I was shy but got on well with everyone in my year. This guy was painfully shy, barely spoke to anyone and had no friends. We got paired together. We were supposed to work together but he just couldn't talk to me. (he had issues talking to girls. I think he had a lot of mental problems as he metnioned being on Zoltoft to one of the guys, which is pretty rare to put a teenager on in this country. He very, very rarely spoke to girls) We ended up agreeing that I would do a certain part and he would the the second, and seperatly. (It was on Goering. I was to do up until 1933 and he would do till 1946)

Now I was always in the top 3 in my class, so I never understood why he did this. I gave my part of the presentation and then he stood up and repeated EVERYTHING I just said and then went on and did his parts. From what classmates told me later I stood up there looking like a deer in the headlights. I barely kept it together in that class and went to my next one (which only had five people in it, four of us in the history class) and just lost it. Cried silently through most of the lesson. I knew the teacher would fail me because it was a group exercise which we clearly didn't do.

My teacher from the following class went to him and explained what happend (we'd been discussing this project in other class before she'd get there, so everyone else could verify what had happened), and he did fail me but gave my 49%. Other guy was given 25%.

I ended up not being allowed in 3 Unit History the following year (its simillar to AP) as I was three marks off the requirment. Which I would have easily got if I'd been paired with someone else. Devestation your name is Lauern.

My history teacher (who I felt sorry for, as he was a great teacher and a good guy, but he felt his hands were tied on my mark and 3 Unit) tried to do a group exercise the same way in Year 12, but the entire class flat out refused to work with this other guy as they felt it could adversly affect the marks for their final exams.

[Emmy]

I don't think it's done much anymore, but when I was a kid, the gym teacher would choose two of the most popular girls to be team captains.  Each captain would pick girls for their teams until the last (most unpopular kids) were picked.
Guess who was last?   

Aloe, when did you go to school?  I graduated high school in 1994 and the picking teams was pretty common in my middle school (the late 80's), thankfully it died down by high school and teams were usually assigned in other ways.  I remember my mom saying she hated that they did that when teams could be easily divided another way.  I was often one of the last people picked if not the last.  I wonder why gym teachers did that, it was nothing but a popularity contest and wasted class time.  Even the youth group leader at church did picking teams one time and of course I was the last one picked there as well.

Another sports related horror story.  In late elementary school we had a field day.  I arrived late for some reason and there were already 2 teams, one with the more unpopular kids and the other with popular kids.  The teacher said I could join which ever team I liked and the popular team started yelling for me to join the other team which I did.  The teacher said I didn't have to listen to them and could join whichever team I wanted, but why would I want to be on a team that was shouting for me to be on the other team.  Well, we had races in which everybody from the team (several students) would run individually to a certain point and back, then the next student and so on.  I was the last kid to run for my team and before I even had the chance to run, the other team had one.  I ran and when I get back my team yells at me for 'losing the race'.  Obviously they aren't brain surgeons because the race was already lost BEFORE I ran.  I'm ashamed to say misery begets misery and I tried to blame it on another poor unpopular kid for running slow.

I also disliked team sports for this reason.  I've played tennis and enjoy working out, but have never participated in team sports, especially anything competitive.  The only exception was volleyball which I was decent at and that was with friends who were in it for fun.  Although I am no longer awkward looking, I am still not the best athlete and wouldn't enjoy the pressure from team sports. 

[Lauren]

I swear, when it came to sports I was always the exception. I was extreemly shy, a huge bookworm and teased unmercifily in primary school but I was one of the best sports players in my year so I would always be picked first. The kids wanted to win more than be mean to me.

Even in high school, when I was more popular, I was still a nerd but would whip the boys butts when it came to sports. (especilly softball, as I represented my state when I was younger. No one in my year could hit a ball I pitched, which I was very proud of)

[Ko-Ko]

I don't know what it is about gym class, I always seem to meet all the freaks there. In middle school we had to do stations around the gym, such as pushup station, a ring toss station, and a bowling station. When we got to the bowling station, I mentioned that it was candlepin bowling. They promptly looked at me funny. I told them it was something I played in New England, where the bowling ball was small enough to fit in your hand like the one we were supposed to use. For some reason, they all burst out laughing! They would remind me of this everyday, and continue to laugh. The entire time, all I could think was, "What the hell?" It was the weirdest thing. And after they made fun of a random game I had played while on vacation, one said, "Now don't cry." I wasn't really. I was just confused. Fortunately, the scary gym teacher told them to knock it off.

Ko-Ko

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

I don't understand why kids don't tell. 

I don't either, and I've been there. I was harrassed from the first day of high school (Standard 6 - 8th grade) to Matric (12th grade). I was depressed for the first two years, and I mean can't see any reason to go on, real physical symptoms, anything not to go to school (I must have missed a few months cumulatively). I did tell my mother, but to this day she just says, "I tried to warn you that high school would be different from primary school," as if I didn't listen to her and that's why I had to SUFFER for five YEARS.

My mother had white-blonde hair and was quiet, and she was constantly harrassed by her classmates in the late '30s/early '40s. But she says, "Well, I was so quiet, I brought it on myself." No matter what I say, she's convinced that she somehow deserved it, and maybe that's why she never got that I KNEW I didn't deserve that treatment, but also why she never thought to put me in a different school.

But she did go to the principal when I was in 8th grade - after I broke down crying that a boy in my class was harrassing me. And it wasn't too bad, just a nasty comment here and there, but after everything else, it was too much. But when I was called into the principal's office and told that my mother had visited him (we don't have guidance counsellors here), I just became angry and thought, "Why is she INTERFERING? Now everybody will know I can't hack it in high school!!" and I just mumbled some nonsense at the principal so I could get out of his office (I was only 13 at the time).

I think kids are reluctant to tell people because they're ashamed of the bullying, even if they know intellectually that it's not their fault.

I could have done a LOT more to fit in: cut my hair in a more contemporary style (my style was more like Louise Brooks, but I thought it suited me), taken my dress up (but I didn't like my school dress to be short as the skirt was pleated and if the wind blew, it would fly up around your waist), etc. But because they wanted me to, I just wouldn't. I could give stubborn lessons. OTOH, I've always marched to my own drummer, and even five years of torture couldn't make me change my tune. But you have to be a strong person to resist in the face of some of what goes on in a high school.

[MerryRaven]

When it got so bad with my kids that they couldn't hide it.  I took action.  Especially in 7th, 8th and 9th grade.

I told them they never had to ride the bus again after the horrible sexual harrassment I found out was happening and I threatened to sue the school.

I did interfer with my youngest daughter's problem with the one boy in Junior High.  In high school, if I found out about anything I would ask them if they wanted me to interfere and they never did. 

From the little my youngest has told me, she was afraid to tell me because the boy had threatened to rape and kill ME! if she told so this little 13 year old was protecting me.  And my girls father is a juvenile officer which probably didn't help. 

One insult both my daughter got was:  "You read!"  "You are nothing but a reader!"  which totally confused me.

[hollasa]

Going back to the bad advice of "You know you're just egging them on by reacting.  If you ignore them and walk away, they'll stop." - what is good advice?

My eldest daughter is in kindergarten this year, and it was in late kindergarten/grade 1 that my elementary school torment started. We're very similar, in many ways, although she has far more social skills than I did at that age. I'm a bit worried about how things might go - anyone have any good advice?

[aloe]

Emmy, I graduated in 1974 from a public high school in Long Island, New York.
It was in an area that was middle to upper class, and it was 99.9% Caucasian at that time.
So, my story took place in the '60's.
I dreaded gym class even though I was coordinated and had athletic ability.
I looked like a nerd (and was one too as I was a straight-A bookworm)
I was terrified of the 'mean girl cliques' and prayed every day that nothing bad would happen to me at school.  One time, I was supposed to do a trampoline routine in front of the gym class and I knew it would turn into a nightmare, so I just pretended I was sick that day and stayed home from school.  I looked forward to my menstrual periods because that meant exemption from gym class.

In junior high, one bully got so bad that I told the gym teacher about it.  I didn't expect any relief as this bully was one of the teacher's helpers in the class.  But, the teacher was kind and told me that she understood, and she had me transferred to another class.  I was very surprised and pleased with the teacher.

I've never had children (I was physically unable to get pregnant but also from what I saw when I was a child, I couldn't bear the thought of having kids who were like what I saw or who were the victims of them).  I told a friend who is a mother and a 'total kid person' my stories and she later homeschooled her kids. She told me that my stories influenced greatly her decision to homeschool.

[aloe]

I think that any child who has parents who listen and take action is very lucky.
Looking back, I had great parents but they were deficient in some areas.  I am talking about the '60's, a time when there was much less awareness and virtually no public discourse about bullying. (We've come a long way).

Back in '68 and '69, when men landed on the moon and the Tate murders took place, I was a miserable kid in sleepaway summer camp.  I would be there for two months straight.  I told my parents about the hell it was, the daily verbal abuse from the other girls.  I begged them to allow me to come home.  They just shrugged and said, "You need to learn how to make friends and get along with other kids."
They didn't understand what I was telling them.