General Etiquette > Life...in general
"You need" vs "I want you to..."
willow08:
To piggyback the "I want" vs "I need" thread, I've noticed lately that my teeth get set on edge when someone tells me I "need" to do something. (Obviously not in the professional setting, because I think my boss has every right to tell me what I "need" to do.) But consider the following.
I arrive 20 minutes early to get seats for a movie I know is going to be packed. I'm alone (blessed, blessed aloneness thanks to hubby taking the toddler for an afternoon) so finding a seat isn't really an issue. I sit, happily munching my popcorn until the previews start. This couple comes in and is having trouble finding two seats together in the crowded theater. There's an empty seat next to me. Man says, "You need to give us those seats and go find a single so we can sit together." I thought he was kidding at first. No please, no pleasantness. My first instinct in something like this is to accomodate, but I looked around the theatre and realized I would NEVER find a seat in the dark.
Thinking of you all, I shook my head and said I'd arrived 20 minutes early to get this seat and he was going to have to find another one. I finally came out with something to the effect of, "Lateness on your part doesn't constitute a 'need' on my part." People were shouting for the couple to sit down. Wife shouted that they would but this rude lady wouldn't give up her seat. Ushers were called. Couple told their version of things. The previews played on. Man insisted that the usher force me from my seat and let them sit there. Usher, who was all of 16, looked at these people like they were crazy and I was told to keep my seat. He helped them find two seats together VEERRRRRRYY close to front. ;D
So, no, I don't "need" to get out of your way. I don't "need" to give you something of mine so you can use it. I don't "need" to come do something for you (like make you a cake or fix your PC) because you just don't want to do it yourself. You "want" me to do those things.
Am I the only person who has a problem with this?
Bob Ducca:
Good for you! Personally, if they had asked nicely, I might have considered giving up my seat, but being told to? No way.
As far as "you need" vs. "I want you to," I never really thought about it before. But now that you mention it, it is awfully presumptuous to tell someone "You need to..." in a non-professional or non-emergency situation. When I need my husband to do something for me, I always say "I need you to do this," not "You need to do this." It would offend me if someone came up to me and said, "You need to" in an everyday situation, but I've mostly escaped that.
jibby:
AAARGH! That is a major peeve of mine. >:(
Good for you for keeping your seat! The couple "needed" to get to the theater on time, or they "needed" to learn manners.
I don't mind if someone states that they need an item/favor, and then follows with a request: "I need to find someone to babysit on Saturday - would you happen to be interested?", *not* "I need you to watch Kelly on Saturday at 4:00."
If someone makes a demand of me, I immediately go into defense mode. Learn how to ask politely, darn it! I don't mind doing a (reasonable) favor for someone, but I will not be ordered around.
Sorry for the rant, Willow...the short answer is no, you are not the only one who has a problem with this, lol.
willow08:
Jibby, It's not so much the "I need" requests that bother me, (I need a sitter, etc.) It's the implication that I "need" to do something for someone as if that person knows what's best for me (which ironically, will ultimately benefit them.)
ZipTheWonder:
Sort of like those signs that say "For your convenience, please move all undesired merchandise from the fitting room."
Hey, I don't mind taking the clothes out with me after I've tried them on, but it's not a matter of convenience for me.
I hate it when people try to manipulate you into thinking their needs are automatically your needs.
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