"You need" vs "I want you to..."

[willow08]

To piggyback the "I want" vs "I need" thread, I've noticed lately that my teeth get set on edge when someone tells me I "need" to do something. (Obviously not in the professional setting, because I think my boss has every right to tell me what I "need" to do.) But consider the following.

I arrive 20 minutes early to get seats for a movie I know is going to be packed. I'm alone (blessed, blessed aloneness thanks to hubby taking the toddler for an afternoon) so finding a seat isn't really an issue. I sit, happily munching my popcorn until the previews start. This couple comes in and is having trouble finding two seats together in the crowded theater. There's an empty seat next to me. Man says, "You need to give us those seats and go find a single so we can sit together." I thought he was kidding at first. No please, no pleasantness. My first instinct in something like this is to accomodate, but I looked around the theatre and realized I would NEVER find a seat in the dark.

Thinking of you all, I shook my head and said I'd arrived 20 minutes early to get this seat and he was going to have to find another one. I finally came out with something to the effect of, "Lateness on your part doesn't constitute a 'need' on my part." People were shouting for the couple to sit down. Wife shouted that they would but this rude lady wouldn't give up her seat. Ushers were called. Couple told their version of things. The previews played on. Man insisted that the usher force me from my seat and let them sit there. Usher, who was all of 16,  looked at these people like they were crazy and I was told to keep my seat. He helped them find two seats together VEERRRRRRYY close to front.

So, no, I don't "need" to get out of your way. I don't "need" to give you something of mine so you can use it. I don't "need" to come do something for you (like make you a cake or fix your PC) because you just don't want to do it yourself. You "want" me to do those things.

Am I the only person who has a problem with this?

[Bob Ducca]

Good for you!  Personally, if they had asked nicely, I might have considered giving up my seat, but being told to?  No way.

As far as "you need" vs. "I want you to," I never really thought about it before.  But now that you mention it, it is awfully presumptuous to tell someone "You need to..." in a non-professional or non-emergency situation.  When I need my husband to do something for me, I always say "I need you to do this," not "You need to do this."  It would offend me if someone came up to me and said, "You need to" in an everyday situation, but I've mostly escaped that.

[jibby]

AAARGH!  That is a major peeve of mine.    

Good for you for keeping your seat!  The couple "needed" to get to the theater on time, or they "needed" to learn manners.  

I don't mind if someone states that they need an item/favor, and then follows with a request: "I need to find someone to babysit on Saturday - would you happen to be interested?", *not* "I need you to watch Kelly on Saturday at 4:00."    

If someone makes a demand of me, I immediately go into defense mode.  Learn how to ask politely, darn it!  I don't mind doing a (reasonable) favor for someone, but I will not be ordered around.  

Sorry for the rant, Willow...the short answer is no, you are not the only one who has a problem with this, lol.  

[willow08]

Jibby, It's not so much the "I need" requests that bother me, (I need a sitter, etc.) It's the implication that I "need" to do something for someone as if that person knows what's best for me (which ironically, will ultimately benefit them.)

[ZipTheWonder]

Sort of like those signs that say "For your convenience, please move all undesired merchandise from the fitting room."

Hey, I don't mind taking the clothes out with me after I've tried them on, but it's not a matter of convenience for me.

I hate it when people try to manipulate you into thinking their needs are automatically your needs.

[shadowfox79]

I have always found that telling someone they need or have to do something is a bad idea if it's not an actual need.

Take an episode of Fear Factor I saw about a month ago, involving a challenge where each couple had to have a ridiculous haircut. The girl in the first couple had been drawn to get a "taco" - basically two lines of hair on each side of the head, and the rest shaved bald. For obvious reasons she was less than keen on the idea, so her boyfriend was trying to talk her into it.

"Come on, you have to!"

Ooooooohh dear. Bad move. Her immediate response was "I don't have to do squat!" (or words to that effect) and she refused to do it.

And I can't say I blame her. Tell me I need to do something when I don't, and it'll get you nowhere. Ask me nicely, and you might have a chance.

[jibby]

Jibby, It's not so much the "I need" requests that bother me, (I need a sitter, etc.) It's the implication that I "need" to do something for someone as if that person knows what's best for me (which ironically, will ultimately benefit them.)

Oh, I see, sorry. :-)  See?  I'm too worked up about it to explain myself properly!  Time for tea for me...

[Pixie]

Oh  I HATE, HATE, HATE   "You need to"  or "You HAVE to"      It just shuts me down and I will not do whatever it is, even if I were planning to do it in the first place.  I can't tell you how many times I have said, "I am not a waitress, nor am I in the military, I DO NOT take orders.  Requests will be considered, and I will let you know my decision."

I will not play when someone, who is not paying me, gives me orders...especially if its a CHILD.

[ptcruzinkim]

To piggyback the "I want" vs "I need" thread, I've noticed lately that my teeth get set on edge when someone tells me I "need" to do something. (Obviously not in the professional setting, because I think my boss has every right to tell me what I "need" to do.) But consider the following.

I arrive 20 minutes early to get seats for a movie I know is going to be packed. I'm alone (blessed, blessed aloneness thanks to hubby taking the toddler for an afternoon) so finding a seat isn't really an issue. I sit, happily munching my popcorn until the previews start. This couple comes in and is having trouble finding two seats together in the crowded theater. There's an empty seat next to me. Man says, "You need to give us those seats and go find a single so we can sit together." I thought he was kidding at first. No please, no pleasantness. My first instinct in something like this is to accomodate, but I looked around the theatre and realized I would NEVER find a seat in the dark.

Thinking of you all, I shook my head and said I'd arrived 20 minutes early to get this seat and he was going to have to find another one. I finally came out with something to the effect of, "Lateness on your part doesn't constitute a 'need' on my part." People were shouting for the couple to sit down. Wife shouted that they would but this rude lady wouldn't give up her seat. Ushers were called. Couple told their version of things. The previews played on. Man insisted that the usher force me from my seat and let them sit there. Usher, who was all of 16,  looked at these people like they were crazy and I was told to keep my seat. He helped them find two seats together VEERRRRRRYY close to front.

So, no, I don't "need" to get out of your way. I don't "need" to give you something of mine so you can use it. I don't "need" to come do something for you (like make you a cake or fix your PC) because you just don't want to do it yourself. You "want" me to do those things.

Am I the only person who has a problem with this?

No absolutely not. Whenever someone begins a sentence with "you need to..." I stop listening at that point. I don't take kindly to being ordered around by anyone and that sounds like an order. I applaud your standing your ground. Sounds like that couple has the Entitlement mentality.

I am also not especially good with the "I want you to...". The ONLY plance this is allowed by me is from my boss at work. That's it. It's a different story if someone says "Could you...? Would you mind....?"

I'd rather be asked than ordered to do something. I had an ex-friend give me that "you need to..." nonsense all the time til I finally said "You need to stop bossing me around. I'll do as I like, Get over it."

[crazyone]

You are quite right.  A similar 'pet peeve' I have is when someone is trying to get you to do something that they claim is for YOUR good when, in actuality, they are the one who will benefit are are trying to make it look to be in your best interest when in fact, it is not. 

[Lisbeth]

To piggyback the "I want" vs "I need" thread, I've noticed lately that my teeth get set on edge when someone tells me I "need" to do something. (Obviously not in the professional setting, because I think my boss has every right to tell me what I "need" to do.) But consider the following.

I arrive 20 minutes early to get seats for a movie I know is going to be packed. I'm alone (blessed, blessed aloneness thanks to hubby taking the toddler for an afternoon) so finding a seat isn't really an issue. I sit, happily munching my popcorn until the previews start. This couple comes in and is having trouble finding two seats together in the crowded theater. There's an empty seat next to me. Man says, "You need to give us those seats and go find a single so we can sit together." I thought he was kidding at first. No please, no pleasantness. My first instinct in something like this is to accomodate, but I looked around the theatre and realized I would NEVER find a seat in the dark.

Thinking of you all, I shook my head and said I'd arrived 20 minutes early to get this seat and he was going to have to find another one. I finally came out with something to the effect of, "Lateness on your part doesn't constitute a 'need' on my part." People were shouting for the couple to sit down. Wife shouted that they would but this rude lady wouldn't give up her seat. Ushers were called. Couple told their version of things. The previews played on. Man insisted that the usher force me from my seat and let them sit there. Usher, who was all of 16,  looked at these people like they were crazy and I was told to keep my seat. He helped them find two seats together VEERRRRRRYY close to front.

So, no, I don't "need" to get out of your way. I don't "need" to give you something of mine so you can use it. I don't "need" to come do something for you (like make you a cake or fix your PC) because you just don't want to do it yourself. You "want" me to do those things.

Am I the only person who has a problem with this?

Not at all.  I feel exactly the same way.

Even worse for me is when someone says "You have to" in a non-emergency.  I feel like replying, "Excuse me, the only thing I *have* to do is pay taxes and bills.  Other than that, I don't *have* to do anything I d--n well don't feel like doing!"

[Clara Bow]

Oh when I worked in the pharmacy that would make me insane...people who would tell me I needed to call their doctor to get their refills. Ummm no, all my med have refills and I don't use your doctor. Why do I NEED to call him?? Now if they said "I need you to" or "Would you please" that was fine, but "You need" Used to urine me off I'll just tell you....

[minnaloushe]

Am I the only person who has a problem with this?

No, no you are not.

Unless it's your boss, and even then, why not be polite? Or you're in an emergency situation and you do actually NEED to do something for someone.  As in, "You need to hold his head steady for me while I perform rescue breathing", or "I want you to go and call 911, tell them what's happening and where we are and return to me, do you understand?"

But yeah, the 10 or 11 year old who told me the other day that I needed to give him my candy and then PUSHED me when I ignored him got into lots of trouble when I escorted him into the office where his parents were having a meeting with our VP and told him he NEEDED to sit in there if he couldn't behave, and I don't tolerate being abused by anyone, no matter how old or entitled they think they are. Thank you very much!  Twenty minutes later a very much chastened young man came out of the meeting and slunk out of the building with his parents.

[hobish]

Woohoo! Good for you Willow, for standing ... errr, sitting? ...your ground. Things like that drive me crazy, too.

I used to work in a small diner where the daughter of the owners also worked. She was all of maybe a year or two older than me, but would always talk to me & my sister both like we were little children.
"You have to have to have to make sure the trash is changed every day." ...and with each "have to" there would be a little clap. It was so extremely condescending. She was an entitlement princess, though, and i don't think she even realized it. Sis & i both quit before too long.

[bopper]

For sure those people would have gotten some action from you had they said "I was wondering if it were possible if you could sit in that single seat over there so we might sit together?"