"You need" vs "I want you to..."

[fklwmn]

am I the only one here who actually says "would you please?" Instead of "you need to" or "I want you to" or "I need you to"??

my exceptions... when I tell my kids to do homework or chores. then it is "you need to..." but that is the only time I ever say that!!

[fklwmn]

Sort of like those signs that say "For your convenience, please move all undesired merchandise from the fitting room."

Hey, I don't mind taking the clothes out with me after I've tried them on, but it's not a matter of convenience for me.

I hate it when people try to manipulate you into thinking their needs are automatically your needs.

are you kidding me? have you ever tried to try on clothes in a fitting room full of clothes from previous customers?!?!?! I would defintiely agree withthe wording of the sign b/c I'd read the "your" as a general your referring to customers as a whole.

[Gigi]

I once had a boss who'd say "I'm going to let you handle that".  Yeah, I was going to be allowed to handle anything onerous just like it was a privelege.  That bugged me more than the "need to" thing.

[HogwartsAlum]

KeenReader said:
Even worse for me is when someone says "You have to" in a non-emergency.  I feel like replying, "Excuse me, the only thing I *have* to do is pay taxes and bills.  Other than that, I don't *have* to do anything I d--n well don't feel like doing!"

Oh I so agree! (pod!)  One time I was at the rink practicing my sit spin and one of the girls I skate with, who is about eleven, was watching me.  She had just learned it herself, and was kind of hung up on technique, so she said, "Is that the way you do that? You HAVE TO put your leg this way..." and I said (cheerfully), "I don't HAVE to do anything except pay taxes and die!"  She stared at me for a second and then burst out laughing.  Now sometimes she asks me to "say that again!"

(Of course, this is the same kid that when asked why she was wearing a tank top, and wasn't she cold, said, "No, I'm a HOT-BLOODED WOMAN!!!"  I'm still laughing over that one!)

[Gileswench]

am I the only one here who actually says "would you please?" Instead of "you need to" or "I want you to" or "I need you to"??

No, fklwmn, you are not alone.

If anything, I find 'I need you to' even more insulting than 'you need to'. No, you don't need me to do anything at all; you would like me to do something and you're far more likely to get me to do whatever it is you'd like if you ask politely than if you announce your desire as any form of command.

By the same token, I always phrase requests as requests rather than as demands...and almost invariably remember to add 'please' to the request. 'Would you please' and 'pardon me, would you mind terribly if I asked you' delivered with a smile have gotten me my own way a lot more than 'you have to' or 'I need you to' would have.

[CreteGirl]

Good for you, Willow, for standing (or in this case sitting) up for yourself!  Even in the face of their insistence, you held firm.  I can't believe they would make such a scene in the theatre when the movie was just about to start. 

You did good!

[Pixie]

I had this conversation with my son a few years ago, I think he was around 10 at the time. I had noticed a lot of our friends just "ordering" their kids, and mine to some extent,  rather than making requests.   So I told my son I wasn't comfortable ordering him, because I feel its rude. He was becoming his own person at  the time, getting older, and I told him I was going to start treating him in a more adult way.  He thanked me, and we agreed that if I slipped up, he could remind me, and we would work on it together.

A few weeks later, I noticed some of the other parents in our group of friends doing the same thing with their kids.   The babies aren't babies anymore, and I thought it was time to change the way I communicated with them.   And while I never said anything to the kids, I did notice their manners (especially with each other) improved right along with mine!

[Alida]

Good for you for keeping your seat!  How dare they tell you what you "need" to do to fix their problem?  Maybe next time they'll get their butts out of the house in time to find seats together.

[CreteGirl]

So I told my son I wasn't comfortable ordering him, because I feel its rude. He was becoming his own person at  the time, getting older, and I told him I was going to start treating him in a more adult way. 

Oh, double pod on that!  How can people expect their children to learn to treat others with kindness and respect, if they themselves are not treated that way. 

"What is done to children, they will do to society".  I love that quote.

[Slartibartfast]

I think I go for a passive-voiced "need", probably more often than I should.  I tell DH "The kichen needs to be cleaned" or "The dog needs a bath" and he says "okay."  Unfortunately, I interpret this as him agreeing to do it (or at least try), and he interprets this as acknowledging my opinion, and then is shocked when I get upset he sat around at home all day and didn't do anything 

[hobish]

I think I go for a passive-voiced "need", probably more often than I should.  I tell DH "The kichen needs to be cleaned" or "The dog needs a bath" and he says "okay."  Unfortunately, I interpret this as him agreeing to do it (or at least try), and he interprets this as acknowledging my opinion, and then is shocked when I get upset he sat around at home all day and didn't do anything 

mmmm...i can easily see that mentally translated into "I (speaker) need to clean the kitchen" or "I need to bathe the dog."

[Virg]

Slartibartfast wrote:

"Unfortunately, I interpret this as him agreeing to do it (or at least try), and he interprets this as acknowledging my opinion, and then is shocked when I get upset he sat around at home all day and didn't do anything."

There was a thread up a while back about a woman whose in-laws (and husband) would treat her like a housekeeper when she visited them, and advice was given to acknowledge passively to keep them from dumping jobs on her.  The example there was the FIL (I think) saying that his lasagna was cold, and her responding simply by saying that she realized it and wouldn't eat it that way either.

The long and short of this is that you might want to add the request to the comment.  I'd try, ""The kichen needs to be cleaned.  Can you do that please?"  That leaves no doubt that you want him to do it, and no excuse if he doesn't (unless he refuses on the spot).  Plus, you get the points for asking nicely, so it's win-win.  Of course, I clean the kitchen (she cooks, I clean, although I'm not sure how that ended up including the floor...) so I'd do it, but if he doesn't help out when he's asked directly, I suspect there's more to worry about than etiquette.

Virg

[*Lulu*]

Ohhh, I feel the same way. I have a friend who drives me batty constantly telling me that I HAVE to read certain books she likes. I automatically boycott those titles, and when she buys them for me, I either donate them or return them to the store. It's also the reason I've never seen Pirates of the Caribbean.


We have this ongoing problem with my father. When I was a child, he used to say, "Will you come help me rake leaves?" when he really meant, "Get your butt off the couch and help me rake leaves." He'd get very upset when I'd say, "No, I'm busy." My mom finally spoke to him about saying what he really means, and that when you speak to your kids, it's okay to say things like "I need you to come out help me with the raking," if it's not optional for me to work on it. Fast forward 10 years later. I'm now in my mid-twenties, and he still tells me things with the "You need to," or "I need you to" all the time.

[Suze]

around our house we refered to those as "WE PROJECTS"  as in "We need to paint the trim on the house"  Dad was a master of the We Projects.

What's with this "WE" Kimo Sabe?

I have been "WE"ed into roofing the house (found out I can't climb a roof) I got to bring all the shingles up the ladder then, also putting the siding on.  Cutting down Trees. (found out that I am stronger than I think) and a lot of other stuff that I reaallllly didn't have time to do, but I did them.