Need a little help....Jehovah's Witness funeral

[rockingrandma]

My dd's boyfriend's grampa died and his memorial is this Saturday.  He was a JW, and although  boyfriend's mother was raised that way she turned away from it.  DD will be going to the memorial to give emotional support to boyfriend.  We had to go get her an appropriate outfit, her boyfriend may end up borrowing a suit from my dad because all he has is jeans, so "funeral" attire is done.  I still have two questions though if anyone can answer them.

Boyfriend's mother has taken the "do whatever the hell you want" stance.  I actually think she would allow a gang of bikers dressed in tutus and stoned out of their gourds to accompany them to the memorial.  I've never been to a JW's memorial so my first question is should dd treat this (and expect it to be) like any other ordinary funeral?  The grampa will be cremated and no visitation at the funeral home....only the memorial at the Kingdom Hall. 

Second question...she's still debating on whether or not she's going to take the baby with her.  The baby is 3 1/2 months old, is breastfed but will take a bottle if needed, and generally isn't fussy.  I know boyfriend would love to have the baby there with them but...his mother is the only child and family always sits up front and non family sits in back right?  The right way to do it is for DD to sit near the back, closest to a door so if the baby does get fussy she can make a quick exit with her.  But boyfriend is adamant she sits with him please please please.  I know my dd and the baby are comforting to him, but if she gets fussy and dd has to walk out of the room past a bunch of people it seems disrespectful to me.  Take the baby or not?

If it were me, there would be no questions about what I would do.  But since it's dd and I'm still apparently totally stupid and out of touch with reality according to her (teenagers!)  I figured I'd get someone else's opinions.  She seems to listen to other people  .

[Ulla dances in a silly way]

I don't know anything about JW memorials, but I would say don't take the baby. It seems like it would be far easier to leave the baby with a sitter. Without the baby, your daughter will be able to spare more attention to comfort her boyfriend.

-Ulla

[Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007]

Unfortunatley, a coworker had to go to a JW memorial a few weeks ago (unfortunate because a very dear man passed away).  She said it was a nice service, but really focused on people speaking about the gentleman and his life.

Not sure what to say about the baby, I would leave him/her at home if I was unable to sit somewhere to make a quick exit.  Perhaps someone more involved in the church or an elser from another church can give the curchaces stance on infants at memorials?

[kckgirl]

I would leave the baby at home. Why take the risk of having to leave if baby starts crying? Mother and Daddy can do what they need to do, and baby will be much happier, if baby stays with their favorite sitter.

[Evil Duckie]

I have not been to a JW memorial service so on that I can't help.

I can give you some advice about the baby. Please don't take the baby. The baby will get fussy and will need attention. This is really not a place for babies or young children if it can be helped. You could take the baby to the dinner (if they have one) afterwards.

We went round and round on this point with my family when my grandfather died. I am glad I didn't take my little ones to the funeral (DS#3 was 5mos at the time). We did take them to the dinner afterwards and this was fine because then they could get the attention they needed without disrupting others.

If DD had the option to sit at the back then maybe, but since BF wants her at the front with him and the family don't.

[jibby]

Please tell DD to not worry about getting anything too formal.  Most of the congregation will show up in their normal meeting attire (modest skirts/dresses for the women, and either a suit or shirt/sweater with slacks for the men).  I've seen people in jeans (and women in pants) at memorials.  It's not common, but people would probably just assume they weren't JW's.  No biggie.  

Regarding the baby, there is a room behind the main auditorium, sometimes referred to as the "crying room" (could be a regional term, but that's what we call it).  It's where moms go to nurse, or comfort a child.  It's also where you go when you're in trouble, but we won't talk about that.    Absent a crying room, there will be a library, a coat room, plenty of places for her to quiet the baby if she wants to take the baby.  Also, most Kingdom Halls will have chairs in the ladies' room.  

Honestly, no one's going to be offended by her walking to the back.  If it's anything like my old hall, she'll have plenty of company, lol.
 
Also, a JW service will mainly just talk about the deceased's life, and the JW's hope of resurrection.  I mention this because I've seen a few instances where family were very upset that no mention was made of the deceased's going to heaven.  

She'll be fine, no worries.  

[rockingrandma]

Thanks everyone.  I'm still in the leave the baby home camp, but it's probably because I've never even set foot in a Kingdom Hall, let alone went to a memorial service at one.  I know how the religion itself "works", but I also know that every church has different funeral or memorial rites.  I grew up southern Baptist, so I know at any family funeral we're going to get preached at for over an hour.    I've been to Catholic funerals, Penecostal funerals, and a really strange mix funeral where the deceased was Baptist but the minister they used was a Messianic Jew. 

And thanks, Jibby.  They'll know dd isn't one of them, she refused to get anything to wear other than slacks.  We argued and finally compromised on what I consider "interview attire".  Grey slacks, a cream colored sweater, and black dress shoes.  She also already knows sorta how it's going to go.  I don't think there'll be any surprises for her, other than it not being a hellfire and brimstone service. 

[jibby]

Grey slacks, a cream colored sweater, and black dress shoes.

I think that sounds pretty and very appropriate. 

[Amitisoo]

I've been to Catholic funerals, Penecostal funerals, and a really strange mix funeral where the deceased was Baptist but the minister they used was a Messianic Jew. 

But have you ever been to funeral with naked dancers? 

Ok I haven't either but I did hear all about it from half the town. I try not to gossip or ask rude questions so I never found out the exact details.

I think the clothing your dd chose is appropriate and while I think the baby should stay home, it's not the end of world. Most churches are equipped to handle babies.

[VorFemme]

But have you ever been to funeral with naked dancers? 

You know that we would have LOVED to hear about the funeral with naked dancers.........but if you couldn't bring yourself to ask questions about such a star-crossed funeral - we can understand...........

But the mental image has me giggling like a maniac............

[sammycat]

When my grandmother died 12 years ago she was buried as a JW.  (She joined late in life so it had no impact whatsoever on the rest of the family).  From what I can recall the service was pretty much like any other funeral I've been too.

My cousin was there with her 5 week old breastfed baby and no one batted an eyelid.  If he made a noise I certainly didn't notice it.  I've been to other funerals too where there have been babies present and it's never been an issue. 

The only time I've ever been annoyed, to put it mildly, by an inappropriate noise, was my great aunt's funeral, where some extremely rude man allowed his mobile phone to ring not once, but twice, during the service.  Give me a fussy baby at a funeral any day over a mobile phone.

[MineralDiva]

My suggestion would be to leave the baby with a sitter (or you).  It's already a foreign situation for your daughter, where she'll want to make sure she behaves appropriately in support of her boyfriend...and respectfully toward his family.

Logistically, it's really not as feasible to have to do all that, while trying to make sure a potentially fussy baby is comfortable too.  To me, given the age of the child, this should be one of those "adults only" moments in the "circle of life."

[scotcat]

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Quote from: Amitisoo on Yesterday at 06:11:10 PM
But have you ever been to funeral with naked dancers?


You know that we would have LOVED to hear about the funeral with naked dancers.........but if you couldn't bring yourself to ask questions about such a star-crossed funeral - we can understand...........

But the mental image has me giggling like a maniac............
 
 
Me too! If you ever do find out how it came anout don't' forget to tell us EVERYTHING!

[Amitisoo]

All I know is there a male and female dancer and they were indeed completely naked. There was much speculation as to if the Minister of the church knew about this beforehand and whether or not it was the wish of the deceased or his family.. I think it takes guts to dance naked in a church!

I know one the dancers casually and my mother knows of the other. I just can't think of a polite way of saying "hey remember that funeral where you danced naked......"

[Ulla dances in a silly way]

I totally want naked dancers at my funeral now.

That'd keep 'em wondering!

-Ulla the strange