Living with your parents as an adult

[kingsrings]

My mom is moving back to this area this year and I am helping her look for a place to live. When I mention this to my friends, I am amazed at the number of times I've been told that my mom and I should just buy/rent a place together! When that happens, I look them straight in the eye and say, "Would you want to live with your mother?". Now, my mom and I are very close and have a great relationship. However, the last thing I would want to do is live with her or any other family member (maybe a cousin would be okay) as roommates. Our independences and the whole child/adult thing would clash! The only time I can think of where this would be acceptable is if it were an emergency situation-such as caretaker duties or someone is in a bad financial or emotional bind and needs a place to crash until they can get back on their own feet. But I know in other cultures this is a perfectly acceptable thing for families to live together indefinitely, even though it seems completely alien to other cultures.

[Lisbeth]

Even if I wanted to live with my parents (and we lived in the same city), they wouldn't let me.

Right after I turned 25, my parents told me that they expected me to be out of their home and on my own by the end of the year.  I'd been saving up to do that anyway, and right after they told me that, I rented my first apartment.

[kingsrings]

Even if I wanted to live with my parents (and we lived in the same city), they wouldn't let me.

Right after I turned 25, my parents told me that they expected me to be out of their home and on my own by the end of the year.  I'd been saving up to do that anyway, and right after they told me that, I rented my first apartment.

That was good of your parents to give that gentle nudge, and allow you time enough to save up for it. Some kids get the boot as soon as they turn 18! I know situations vary, but most kids at that age don't have the finances yet to move out on their own, or the emotional maturity to handle it. I moved out when I was 23, and still remember how great it felt to finally be out of my own and completely in charge of myself. Made the fact that I lived in a slum apartment complex a little more bearable, heh.

[Gileswench]

I think it depends entirely on the people involved. Some can do it comfortably, others can't. It might be practical on a purely financial level but completely toxic on an emotional one, or vice versa. I say if you know yourself and know your mother and know it's better not to move in together, then don't do it.

If someone else can do it, more power to them! But that's their decision.

[Buffy2424]

I'd totally be "roommates" with my mother if we were both single.  We get along so well.

[thebadchemist]

My mother would LOVE it if I moved back home. She has even maintained my room so that it will be available when I return. My father spent a few months furiously campaigning for me to apply to CalTech for a PhD so that I could live at home. Nevermind that I probably couldn't get into CalTech even if I wanted to.

As much as it would make them happy, it would drive me INSANE. I love them a ton. I really do. However, I've always been very independent, even as a kid, and my parents treat me as if time stopped when I was 12. I'm 25 and my mother still calls when it's cold to remind me to put on a jacket. I deliberately picked a lower-ranked university further away, even though I had been accepted to a higher-ranked (I use "ranked" because I don't think it means that it was "better") one closer to home. It turned out to be the better choice for me, anyway, so it all worked out. By 18, I needed some space to grow and I doubt my parents would disagree that it has worked out beautifully for all of us. If I didn't move away, I think they would have never loosened up. When I was away at school, my mother would call and ask if I've eaten (I've entertained many parents during freshman orientation with stories about my mother... she was their cautionary tale... when your kids are hungry, they will eat. It may not be good food, but they will eat, so don't ask! ). She brings groceries when they visit because she still doesn't think that I'm eating properly. She doesn't trust my cooking skills, despite the fact that her love of the culinary arts is clearly hereditary.

So yes, it's all very sweet, but if I had to live with it day in and day out, I would cry.

[Clara Bow]

I would rather drive a nail in my eye.
I love my mother, but there are so many reasons why she and I cannot live together. I get nervous after having her in my house for too long. She is messy and disorganized and takes over when she's here. I love her so much, but we could not live together ever again.

[Sandi Papaya]

I had to move in with my mom after a particularly bad period of misfortunes in 2002-2003 - up until then I'd been in and out of various living situations and jobs, and a short (and rent-free) stint with my grandparents. Living with my grandparents drove me crazy, sweet as they are. Living with my mom is like living with a roommate. We get along fine, we don't get overinvolved in each other's lives (much) and sometimes we have a lot of fun together. There are times when we don't get along, but those are few and far between. I am moving out of this house again eventually - it's taken me a long time to get back on my feet and back into a stable job again, get my finances sorted out, etc.

But if you know you can't do it, don't. My cousin made that mistake with her toxic mother - didn't let her move into her place (it's too small for 3 people, as it's a studio), but told her there was an empty apartment at her complex. She's lived to regret that one now, because her mother is driving her crazy. That woman would test the patience of a saint, though, so that's not saying much (she's my uncle's psycho ex-wife)!

[Maggie]

I know that in another post on here I was extremely upset with my son but for the most part he is a good kid.  He and I have lived together for about a year and a half.  It's nice to have someone here although I did enjoy the first couple of weeks alone when I first moved in.  He does help with the rent.  I don't really think that is a bad thing though.  He doesn't really spend his money on much else besides cd's and things like that. 

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

I'd totally be "roommates" with my mother if we were both single.  We get along so well.

My mother and I ARE roommates, although since our house is a split-level (I have the bottom bit; my mother has the main area) we don't have to hang out if we don't want to. When my father was still alive and people would be aghast at me "still living with my parents", my dad said, "Don't put it like that. Say WE live with YOU." My dad had a good sense of humour.

I contemplated moving out, but I could never get a flat or small house and still have money left over to, you know, EAT. At least here I don't have official rent; I pay my mother's medicine levy to the chemist each month instead (it can run to more than a thousand bucks - which is just below what they charge for rent here).

I'm actually glad I didn't move out, because now that my mother;s arthritis has gotten really bad, she can call me if she needs help opening jars or carrying things. And my mom likes Stargate Atantis, so what more reason do I need?

[itiswhatitisn't]

Never my parents, but I was shocked at how many people thought my brother and I should be roommates.  we live in the same city, but he was still in school.  My parents' friends would comment over and over about how we should live together.  Um, no.  He moved into my first apartment two back to back summers for a few weeks when we had extra rooms (grad housing) that we weren't paying for and when he was between summer and fall housing for school.  And while that worked out well it could never be for much longer.  We are independent people.

[kingsrings]

I would rather drive a nail in my eye.
I love my mother, but there are so many reasons why she and I cannot live together. I get nervous after having her in my house for too long.

That's what happens when my mom visits me! As close as we are, we start to get on each other's nerves towards the end of the visit. There is always some spat the day before or the day she leaves. I liken it to that old saying about family visiting: 'what do relatives and fish have in common? After a few days, they both start to stink.'
This is why we could never live together, no matter how close we are. 

[NEDESAPIO]

My mom, my brother (younger), and I all share the same house, and I personally like the arrangement very much.  We're rarely home together all at once, and when we are we get along very well.  I feel as though I have a good balance of independence and companionship.  Also, we live in an urban area (DC-Metropolitan) where there is lots to do, so I never feel as though I'm stuck at home or stuck out in the middle of nowhere.

This said, I realize that every person is different; one should live in the way that suits them (as long as they're not breaking the law, of course).

[Chartreuse]

Knowing what my relationship is like with my own parents, I find that anyone who can live with their parents as an adult to be a miracle worker.    I'm amazed you can do it.  If I tried it, somebody would probably end up dead within the first month.   

[Amitisoo]

My mother has lived with me off an on over the past couple of years.

I lived on my own from 16-19 (I'm now 22). We get along great and don't have a child/parent relationship. She treats me like an adult and if anyone is the parent it's me! We each have our privacy and split everything the same way roommates would. I like to joke that no other roomie would make me soup when I'm sick.

I do hide this fact from many, many people. They act like I am emotionally stunted freak. In public I tend to call her by her first name and we look nothing alike so many people are unsure of our relationship to each other. Of course by "in public" I mean out shopping and such, not in a friend's home.

My best friend loves my mother and wants my mom to move in with her! In the summer my mother does live with her staying a camping trailer. We share her.