Living with your parents as an adult

[HogwartsAlum]

I would rather drive a nail in my eye.
I love my mother, but there are so many reasons why she and I cannot live together. I get nervous after having her in my house for too long. She is messy and disorganized and takes over when she's here. I love her so much, but we could not live together ever again.

My mom is just the opposite.  Her house is SPOTLESS.  And FREEZING.  Also, she goes to bed early and then I have to be really, really quiet.  I love having my house to myself and being able to leave dishes in the sink and eat cookies on the couch!!

Edited to add:  She likes to tease me by saying when she's 90 she'll come and live with me.  I don't think it's funny!

[Suze]

when does life turn around on you and it become OK again to live with your parents.

When you are little it is expected. When your parents become older and need help it seems that it is also expected.

As T'Mar said -

My mother and I ARE roommates, although since our house is a split-level (I have the bottom bit; my mother has the main area) we don't have to hang out if we don't want to. When my father was still alive and people would be aghast at me "still living with my parents", my dad said, "Don't put it like that. Say WE live with YOU." My dad had a good sense of humour.

I have much the same living arrangments with my Mom, and I have heard her telling people that she lives with me.

[ButterflieRJ]

Um, I'm living with my BF's parents right now (we both are).  It was the much better option to me living at my parents' and him living at his p's for "a few months" (which is now going on 7--we're moving by the middle of Feb).

It's driving me INSANE.  It has been from the beginning.

I love both our sets of parents, but after this, I don't think I'll EVER be able to live at home EVER EVER again.

[kiero]

I've lived with my sister and BIL  - both before and after I got married.  That was OK for about a year each time. 

I moved out of my parents house at 17.  And now at 23 being married and having a kid - our relationship has changed enough that I could see living with them again.  I wouldn't choose to do it.  But I think they see me as a adult and I see them just as people (rather than authority figures) and it would work if it had too. 

[NEDESAPIO]

I do hide this fact from many, many people. They act like I am emotionally stunted freak.

Don't let them make you feel like that.  Remember, you can decide how you will feel in any situation.  The people who would criticize you probably wish they had such a good relationship with their mothers.

[hobish]

My mom & i get along much much much better when we don't live together. I moved out at 18, went back 2x, and never again, i hope. I like my mom a lot, now that i am an adult. We even go on camping getaways together & have a really good time. Living together, though? NONONONO.

The same with my siblings, especially my sister. We know that even if we spend too many hours together we'll be at each other's throats, even though we really love each other a whole lot.

T'mar, i was thinking about you the other day at work. There was a home appraisal i was reviewing & it referred to the design as being "mother/daughter." It was a bi-level with space for one person on the ground level & another on the 2nd, with space shared, as well. The bottom level even had its own cute little kitchen. It was really nice & i could see people sharing the home while keeping their own areas private. As soon as i saw it, it reminded me of how you have described your living situation. I really liked the set-up (and i approved the appraisal).

[Evil Duckie]

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[T'Mar of Vulcan]

The people who would criticize you probably wish they had such a good relationship with their mothers.

I think that's really the crux of the matter: how good a relationship does a person have with their parents? If one's parents are overbearing and nosey about every aspect of a person's life, one would naturally want to get away from them.

My parents, even when I was a teen, simply said, "You can stay out all night, you can go anywhere you like, but just remember that we love you and worry about you, so if you're going to do that - at least phone so we know where you are." That seemed reasonable to me, and I never did stay out all night (and never have since; I have to be in my own room to be comfortable because I have OCD).

It's automatic now for me to say, "Mom, I'm going downstairs to my room," so that if my mother needs help (getting tea or opening something or whatever) then she knows to yell really loudly when she wants me. (The acoustics in our house are weird.) And when I go places and stay out for long hours, I always phone to make sure she's okay because she is 78 and *I* worry. And I don't think that makes me an emotional cripple or still tied to the apron strings; I think that makes me someone who cares about her mother.

[Suze]

[It's automatic now for me to say, "Mom, I'm going downstairs to my room," so that if my mother needs help (getting tea or opening something or whatever) then she knows to yell really loudly when she wants me. (The acoustics in our house are weird.)

You might want to do what I did for my Mom. 

I was wrapped up in the computer with the tv going and I DID NOT hear her yelling for me (nothing much, just a get me something, please)

So I went out and bought a wireless doorbell and put the chime part by my desk and scattered the outside part (I bought 4 buttons) around the house. 

So she can either carry them around or just leave one on the table by her chair, bed, bathroom, what have you.  Saved a lot of yelling and I feel better that she can get me if she wants me (Mom is 83)

Of course, we learned the hard way to leave them sitting on their sides.  One of the cats decided to walk across one at midnight -- scared me half to death 

Not as funny though as when cat sat on the alarm clock and turned on the radio with her butt.  Can we say PUFF and RUN

[Cyndi]

I'm still at home with my parents and part of my SSI check helps with the rent, so I AM paying part of my way to stay home. But I do sometimes envy the people who can move out on their own.

ETA: I still view my parents as authority figures and as protectors. The future where they are gone frightens me because I'll be looking at life in a group home. I just can't see the future beyond the end of their lives right now.

[Sandi Papaya]

In my culture there's nothing weird about living with your parents into adulthood. *shrugs* Or at least until marriage. It seems like it's really only American culture that views people as emotionally stunted if they don't fly the coop the second they turn 18.

I'm not emotionally or financially dependent on my mom; I half-own the house we share, pay my share of the mortgage, utilities, and the equity line from which I borrowed to take care of bills while I was out of work (which is actually the majority share, as my income is now significantly higher than hers). I buy my own groceries and do my own laundry. My mom and I maintain separate lives, much like roommates, although we do hang out and have mother/daughter time and do things together like have lunch and go shopping. We haven't done that in a while because my grandmother's illness has been a big preoccupation and has taken over some of her life, and a significant though not as large a portion of mine.

I live pretty quietly - I had my wild years in college where I partied and drank and did pretty much what I wanted to do because I was 400 miles away from home and on the loose, so I got that out of my system (and still managed to graduate on time and with a reasonably good GPA). My mom fully recognizes that I am an adult and doesn't place any ridiculous rules or restrictions on me. I am expected to help keep common areas neat and clean, which is a reasonable expectation, and pay my share of the bills, but she doesn't place any restrictions on me like where I can take my car (that I bought and paid for and pay insurance/maintenance on), where I can go and how long I can stay, who I can bring over, whether I can have someone of the opposite sex in my room with the door closed, etc.

The one thing she was rather inflexible on when both my brother and I were living at home was no overnight guests of the opposite sex, but she's softened her stance on that one now that I'm the only one home - mostly because she knows I'm sensible and I'm not going to bring home a different guy every night of the week or anything. I didn't violate that rule when it was in place, and now that it's not in place, I'm not taking advantage of it, so I think she realizes what she can expect from me.

I do have a (reasonable, I would think) expectation to my privacy and my mom respects that and gives me what privacy I need. Just because I live with her (or she lives with me ) doesn't mean I'm an overdependent baby who can't bear to be away from my mom. It's just a better deal for me financially to live here. I put money into this house rather than throwing it away on rent, my mom treats me like the adult I am, we get along fine (for the most part), and she understands that I don't need her watchful eye on me 24/7.

[NEDESAPIO]

It's just a better deal for me financially to live here. I put money into this house rather than throwing it away on rent, my mom treats me like the adult I am, we get along fine (for the most part), and she understands that I don't need her watchful eye on me 24/7.
  


This sums up my own situation. 

[cocacola35]

In my culture there's nothing weird about living with your parents into adulthood. *shrugs* Or at least until marriage. It seems like it's really only American culture that views people as emotionally stunted if they don't fly the coop the second they turn 18.

Huh, most my friends (including me) didn't move out of their parent's house until they were in their early 20's.  Most of the time it just wasn't financially possible.  We were all still going to college at 18- I lived on campus, but I still depended on my parents for financial support and went home on some weekends.  When I graduated, I lived at home for about six months until I had earned enough money from my current job to move into an apartment- I was 24.  Given that most people nowdays are graduating from college in about five years then try to find a job and earn money with said degree, unless you get married at an early age, I don't see how moving out at 18 in America is very feasible for anyone anymore.

I love my parents dearly, but I would not want to live with them again.  They are great, but it would still be THEIR house- I'd have to ask their permission whenever I wanted to invite people over, not be able to arrange things in the home MY way, be mindful of making too much noise whenever I stayed up later than them, etc.  I've enjoyed the freedom of having my own space for too long........     

[Sandi Papaya]

Given that most people nowdays are graduating from college in about five years then try to find a job and earn money with said degree, unless you get married at an early age, I don't see how moving out at 18 in America is very feasible for anyone anymore. 

It isn't, for most people - even those who marry at a reasonably early age. I had some financial setbacks which made it necessary for me to move back home, and since my mom and I live reasonably separate lives, it doesn't bother me to live here. The house I live in is half mine, legally and otherwise, and I was throwing away money on rent and either having to live with complete freaks, or struggle to live on my own. So when I was given the choice to move back home, free of the rules and restrictions I would have had when I was under 18 (except the one cited in my earlier post, which is no longer a big deal), why wouldn't I jump at the chance?

It's just my mom and me here, most of the time. We don't fight over space, we don't fight about having guests over - we rarely fight about anything at all, actually, and tend to get along quite well. I'm here on my own about 80% of time when I'm home, anyway.

I do want my own house someday soon (and there are some nice ones going up nearby), but in the meantime this is the most feasible solution for me. My mom doesn't treat me like a child, but the adult I am. We respect each other's boundaries and privacy, which is more than I can say for some of my former roommates, and as long as I have a mom and no place else to go, I will always have houseroom wherever she is. It comes with financial strings now that I'm older, but it's nice to know that I can go home again if needed.

[NEDESAPIO]

In my culture there's nothing weird about living with your parents into adulthood. *shrugs* Or at least until marriage. It seems like it's really only American culture that views people as emotionally stunted if they don't fly the coop the second they turn 18.

It was also not "weird" in past eras to live with your parents.  Jane Austen lived with her mother, and then with her beloved sister after her mother was gone.  Emily and Anne Bronte never moved out of their father's house, though they worked and boarded away from home.  Emily Dickinson seldom ever left her father's house.  In the past if a woman was unmarried, she usually stayed close to her parents and/or her siblings.  There was nothing "weird" about this then; I don't see why it should be viewed as "weird" today, either.