Unplanned pregnancy etiquette?

[LifeOnPluto]

Yesterday I bumped into an acquaintance. She is in her 30s and heavily pregnant. Her husband is a little older, in his 40s. He has a son from his first marriage who is in his early 20s.  Together, they also have a little boy who is about 6 years old.

When I saw her, she said "As you may have noticed I'm pregnant."
I smiled and replied "Yes, congratulations!"
She then said "This wasn't planned."
I had no clue what to say. So I said something like "Oh, right".

She then went onto say how their house was only a 2-bedroom house, and how she and her husband would have to upgrade, and how she hadn't anticipated this (the pregnancy). I didn't know what to say, so just kept it neutral: "Oh, right", or "Oh, I see."

In the course of our conversation, I also mentioned I was going to the Big Day Out in a few weeks. (For non-Aussies and Kiwis, the Big Day Out is an annual rock music festival that tours the major cities iin Australia and New Zealand. It attracts some really good bands. This year's line up includes The Violent Femmes and The Killers).

She said "Oooh, I've always wanted to go to a Big Day Out!" She looked wistfully down at her stomach and said "I guess I won't be doing anything like that for a long time."

Through-out the converation I got the distinct impression that she was well - less than thrilled with being pregnant. Was there any better way I could have handled this? I didn't want to say anything cheerfully trite ("Oh well, I'm sure once the baby comes, everything will be great!") or negative ("Yeah, it must be a hassle being pregnant again").

Is there any etiquette for how to handle things, when someone tells you their pregnancy was unplanned?

[Chocolate Cake]

It is really crass of her to say such things.  If she has "issues", she needs to see a therapist.   This is the kind of thing that their baby will end up hearing along about second grade or so from idiot relatives or friends who talk about it within ear shot.

If you wanted to subtly make a point about how inappropriate her statements are, you could respond, "I'm very sorry to hear that; my hope is that all babies would be wanted."   Unless she's a total clod, that ought to help her keep her trap shut.

[Gileswench]

I don't think there was much else you could do under the circumstances. She might have been in a blue mood that she'll regret later...or she may really have issues with being pregnant. Either way, it is not your place to tell her how to feel, and it would take a closer friend to earn the right to give advice about how to change those feelings.

In the meantime, she got to express how she was feeling without being chastised for it. She may have needed that more than you know.

[sammycat]

I think you handled it fine.  I probably wouldn't have been able to think of anything else to say beyond what you did either. 

If she (or anyone in her situation) says that to someone who desperately wants a baby and can't have one then she may find herself on the end of some less polite remarks.

[LissaR1]

I think you handled it just right.

The idea that a woman feels nothing but joy at a pregnancy is a vast oversimplification, I think.  I imagine some do, but many feel fear and doubt as well. 

Unless you have a reason to think she'd hurt the child, I'd just chalk it up as someone having a bad day who really needed an adult to talk to, and you were a convenient and willing enough pair of ears.  I don't think it was all that crass of her- her issues (financial worries and resenting the loss of her freedom) were common enough and real enough.  Really just too much information more than anything.

Your noncommital approach probably allowed her to vent without fear of retribution, and hopefully made her feel better! 

[IndianInlaw]

She was at fault for TMI (unplanned).

You did the best you could, under the circumstances.

[ehartsay]

I have had this more than once!

It is REALLY awkaward when someone tells you that they are pregnant and it is CLEAR that is unexpected.

A student in a clas I taught did that once, and I had no CLUE how to react. She was a  bit freaked about it so I actually wound up telling her that I would reserve giving her a reaction until she straightened out how SHe felt about it.
Congratulations is not always simply the best response....

[LifeOnPluto]

The idea that a woman feels nothing but joy at a pregnancy is a vast oversimplification, I think.  I imagine some do, but many feel fear and doubt as well. 

Unless you have a reason to think she'd hurt the child, I'd just chalk it up as someone having a bad day who really needed an adult to talk to, and you were a convenient and willing enough pair of ears. 

I have seen her with her little boy and she is a fantastic mother. I have no reason to believe she'd harm her new baby, either physically or psychologically. I just think she was totally unprepared for this second child.

I agree with you and the other posters who have said she may merely have been in a blue mood. She seemed quite exhausted, plus yesterday was so hot (Australian summers, gotta love 'em) that it can't have been very comfortable being heavily pregnant.

But I guess I found it a little strange that she told me the baby was unplanned, and everything...

[MineralDiva]

Evidently God had other plans, eh?  But I can totally understand how she may have felt.  Particularly if there are financial and other issues that will have to be completely re-vamped now. (I've been there too.  It can seem overwhelming.)

Hopefully it was just a blue mood being expressed to a friend, by someone she felt could be trusted with the venting of her concerns.  Otherwise...it was rather crass of her to insist on pointing out the negatives of her situation. 

You handled it well, under the circumstances.

When I found myself unexpectedly pregnant (5 years after my daughter was born), my best girlfriend listened to my concerns too and said lovingly, "Well honey, that's why God gives us 9 months to get used to the idea!"

I lost that pregnancy at 6 weeks, and wondered secretly for a long time, if somehow my initial reaction to finding myself in that condition again so unexpectedly, contributed to the unfortunate outcome.  (I know it didn't, of course.  But I was in a different "hormone Hell" then.     Unlike the one I'm experiencing now.  lol)

[WestAussieGirl]

I've been the friend in this scenario a few times.  If it isn't absolutely clear that mum-to-be is thrilled, my answer is "how do you feel about that?".  Then I just listen and give neutral verbal nods while they vent. 

I think you did very well under the circumstances.  Sometimes it is easier for someone to vent to an acquaintance than to a really close friend or family.  She probably just needed someone to listen to her.  You did her a big favour.

[Cz. Burrito]

That's why my answer to a pregnancy announcement is "Oh, wow.  That's big news!"  It is a completely neutral statement that acknowledges the situation.   Of course, it sounds like this woman would have unloaded herself on you even if you hadn't said anything at all.  I don't know that there is a good way to handle such an awkward spouting of TMI.

[Tabris]

A response of "Wow! You must be feeling a million different things!" is good for an initial announcement of a pregnancy.

But one assumes this woman is at least seven months along if she's "heavily pregnant." That means she should have had time by now to process the changes and get used to them. As MineralDiva wrote, you have nine months to get used to things.

If I were to become pregnant NOW because I accidentally typed the wrong key on my keyboard, I wouldn't be ready to have a baby by dinnertime. But I don't have to be ready for a baby by dinnertime--I'd have to be ready for a baby by October.

The OP's neutral responses were probably for the best. She can't respond with "You shouldn't feel that way" or "Yeah, how dare that baby show up and mess up your life!"  But that's a very awkward situation, and unless it was a really close personal friend, I would never put anyone into it.

[Clara Bow]

Ummmm okaaaaayyyy....
I think that you did fine. What else could you say?? I can't imagine telling someone something like that!! I mean, a pregnancy right now would be a disaster for me (let's hear it for BIRTH CONTROL) with me being in school, but if it happened I don't think I'd go around telling people that I wasn't happy.
As far as the Big Day Out thing, ummmmm...I can see her sentiment (I had to miss a free Michael Moore lecture because I had no sitter and my son comes first...waaaahhhh!!!) but I don't know if I would have said it quite that way...
I love Violent Femmes..can I come???

[Sharnita]

Wow. I have typed and deleted a couple of responses becasue I just can't imagine what I might say. It doesn't sound like she wants encouragement or reassurance.

[Bob Ducca]

You coped with the situation quite well.  I'm with the crowd that is keeping fingers crossed that she was just a little blue that day and will get over it.  If that is the case, good for you for being the ears she needed.

Side note- my DH was an "accidental" caboose baby, a fact of which his mother repeatedly reminded him ("I didn't even want you," etc.) but he is now the one of her children who takes care of her.  You never know...