Unplanned pregnancy etiquette?

[ehartsay]

- On the one hand, I think that the feeligns of someoen who is not happy with being pregnant are just as valid as those of a person who is happy wiht the pregnancy or wants to be pregnant,
- On the other, I think th epossiblity for awkwardness is so extreme that this is the sort of thing that should be saved for a close friend, not an aqcuaintance.
- Yes, I would be in the same boat if I became pregnant (putting aside the fact that it would not be possible) - not wanting it, not being redy in personality, finances or life - but I sure would not discuss that wiht a mere acquaintance, I would get it taken care of without making a big public song and dance. This is not the sort of thing that everyone needs to know.

[Sharnita]

When my mom found out she was preganant with my baby sis, she locked herself in the bathroom and cried. A big part of this is the fact that she'd had my third sibling just a year or so before the surprise pregnancy and that sib weighed close to 11 pounds.

We laugh about it now because baby sis is and has been the favored child, the best student, best athlete, hardest working, best natured, most obedient of her 4 kids. All of us dote on sis, nobody more than mom

[JoyinVirginia]

I'd just chalk it up as someone having a bad day who really needed an adult to talk to, and you were a convenient and willing enough pair of ears. 

I agree with you and the other posters who have said she may merely have been in a blue mood. She seemed quite exhausted, plus yesterday was so hot (Australian summers, gotta love 'em) that it can't have been very comfortable being heavily pregnant.
But I guess I found it a little strange that she told me the baby was unplanned, and everything...

Your responses were perfect. She probably appreciated the opportunity to vent more than you know! I remember being 9 months pregnant during the hottest August in years in humid, hot central VA. I would tell any acquaintance who stood still long enough how incredibly miserable I was. I am sure I shared TMI.  I felt SOOO much better when I finally had DD!
Joy in Virginia

[Suze]

Being one of the "unplanned" ones, I sort of put my folks life in a twirl.  My only sib is 14 years older than I am. 

I remember one day at school some of the kids were teasing some of us for being an "opps" and "your folks really didn't want you" sort of things. (our class had quite a few tail end babies in it)  When I went home Mom told me I was very much not an "opps" but an "are you SURE?"  Because they always wanted more kids but they just didn't "happen"

I agree with some of the others that she just might have been having a down day, and had to "unload" on somebody RIGHT THEN and you just got caught in the crossfire. 

[alohomora]

I think you said the right thing.  The fact that she was so primed to unload, does make me wonder how her husband has reacted to the pregnancy, though.  That maybe he's not being completely supportive, so she wasn't able to vent about her feelings at home. 

[Lisbeth]

I can't think of a better way to handle situations of TMI better than the way you did it.

I remember reading in Miss Manners that the number one thing a pregnant woman should not say is that she doesn't want her baby, but then again, yes, pregnancy and having children are hugely stressful in and of themselves, and if the baby wasn't planned for, the parents can feel very frustrated.  But I also feel that if you're the listener and you're not a professional counselor, about all you can do is be non-committal.

[Twik]

While I agree in principle that unhappy feelings about pregnancy are as "valid" as "Gee, this is terrific!", I also agree with the principle that casual conversations should not delve deeply into your personal emotional distress. Casual conversations are why weather was invented.

If the woman is truly unhappy about the pregnancy, or even just ambivalent, one hopes she has friends who she can discuss her feelings in a good long heart-to-heart without having them dismiss them as "Oh, after the baby arrives, things will be great." However, when you're just chatting it's rather unfair for them to dump heaping portions of angst on your plate, when you just know that if you repeated it to someone else, she'd be all over you for "gossiping about things that don't concern you in the least!"

[kareng57]

While I agree in principle that unhappy feelings about pregnancy are as "valid" as "Gee, this is terrific!", I also agree with the principle that casual conversations should not delve deeply into your personal emotional distress. Casual conversations are why weather was invented.

If the woman is truly unhappy about the pregnancy, or even just ambivalent, one hopes she has friends who she can discuss her feelings in a good long heart-to-heart without having them dismiss them as "Oh, after the baby arrives, things will be great." However, when you're just chatting it's rather unfair for them to dump heaping portions of angst on your plate, when you just know that if you repeated it to someone else, she'd be all over you for "gossiping about things that don't concern you in the least!"

True enough, but the mom is human after all.
I'd tend to think that a comment such as 'I hope it all work out for you' might be the best bet.

[cranberry]

I think you responded nicely, under the circumstances.  You were put on the spot, and she put you in a difficult situation. 

I'm in Australia too - it's been terribly hot.  I personally love it, but everyone else around me is complaining constantly.  It was 38C at 8am the other morning (I think we got to 42).