Underacheiving son... letter to the teachers (LONG)

[fklwmn]

Okay, I need your etiquette expertise regarding a letter I just composed to email to my son's teachers en masse.

A little background:

My son is extremely gifted. But he is also lazy. Basically he figured out in elementary school that he could get straight A's and not have to do any work. in 5th grade they finally moved him into our gifted program and there he realized he could get B's and C's without doing any work. Not as good as A's, but I guess he was happy with it since they were easy.

Enter Middle School. Not just Middle School, but Gifted Middle School. Andthe kid who hasn't done any work at school for 3 or 4 years. In this program he can't do that. The classes are on his level, which means he actually has to do the work to learn anything, and if he doesn't do the work, he can't pass the tests and therefore falls behind. And fails. Then he feels awfule for failing and is afraidt o try b/c he feels like he should be able to ace it all without trying like he always has *sigh*

In November I had a meeting with all of his teachers. He was failing pretty much all of his classes b/c of this. I hadn't seen his interim b/c he forged my signature and turned it back in so I was shocked to find out he was failing pretty much everything. By this time he was already too far behind in Math to catch up so they moved him back a level (he started out in 8th grade math, got moved back to 7th grade math). At that time we came up with a bunch of strategies (that are named in my letter so I won't mention them here.)

Basically, I am upset about a few things. The first thing is that my son essentially did NO work for almost 3 months before they contacted me. they let him get so far behind that he was unable to catch up in at least one class before letting me know. IMO, if he wasn't turning in his work, they should have let me know at the latest 3 weeks into the school year so that I could nip it in the bud and get him on track while there was still time. but I don't mention that in my letter b/c it is water under the bridge.

But since our meeting, I have not seen ANY effort from the teachers to keep up thier end of our plans. This really bothers me. Please don't develop a plan with me and then not hold up your end of the bargain! I feel like I have been working my tail off to do what I need to do and that I'm doing it all alone. And it's not doing any good b/c there is only SO much that I can doAT HOME to improve his performance AT SCHOOL. I understand that you have 130 students, but you knew that when you told me you would do these things and you still committed to them.

So... in frustration, I sat down this morning and penned this to email to his teachers (I had to hunt down their email addresses). Please take a look at it and give me your opinions. thank you thank you thank you!!


Good Morning,

I am concerned that there has not been adequate communication regarding DS1’s progress since our meeting in November. In that meeting we came up with several strategies in order to help DS1 succeed in this program. We determined that he should have his planner signed each day by his teachers so that I can make sure he is completing all of his homework. Mrs. E stated that any class work that was not completed would be given to DS1 to complete during ASE (equivalent to study hall). Finally, we determined that each of you would email me prior to interims being released to update me on DS1’s progress so that we could alter the plan if necessary.

I have not heard from any of you since that meeting, so imagine my surprise when DS1’s interim had 4 failing grades.  In addition to that, there was at least one comment on the interim about DS1 not completing and turning in his class work. I’m not sure why that is still an issue since he is supposed to be spending his time in ASE completing any work he did not finish in class. If this is not possible, then please make sure he writes the incomplete class work in his assignment planner so that I can make sure it gets done as homework.

I am working to keep up my end of the bargain, but without regular communication from DS1’s teachers I am out of the loop. I know that we all want to see DS1 succeed in this program, so I’m not sure why I have not been kept up to date with his progress. When I did not receive the email prior to interims I assumed he must have gotten himself back on track. I can’t imagine why, after the meeting we had, I would not have been notified that he was still failing 4 classes and what needs to be done to raise his grades.

Please advise if DS1 has managed to raise his grades since interim time. I would like to know if he has been turning in both homework and class work since interims and if there is some other problem that is keeping his grades down. I would like to know if it is a realistic goal for him to raise his grades between now and the end of the 9 weeks, and what he needs to do in order to accomplish this.


I am sending a copy of this email to Senorita Santiago via her school notes page because I do not have her email address. I look forward to your replies. Thank you for your dedication to J’s success.

Best Regards,
DS1's Mom

[ginlyn32]

Sounds like par for the course for public schools. Teachers and school admin. basicly expect parents to be mind readers. I told my sons teachers to email me his homework assignments and they NEVER DID!

Ginger

[fklwmn]

Yes. this kid should have been in gifted since 3rd grade (which I think would have pre-empted a lot of his laziness issues) and his teachers knew it. The principal told me in 2nd grade (when they should have tested him for 3rd grade admittance) they don't test kids that young for gifted b/c the test is too hard. I didn't find out until he finally got into the program in 5th grade that there are 6 classes county-wide of gifted third graders!!

In 3rd grade when they tested him he had a fever of 102 and an abscessed tooth. He missed th cut off by like 6 points in one subject (he qualified in the rest, but had to qualify across the board for placement)!!!! His principal pulled me aside and said they KNOW he should have gotten placed and that he only missed it b/c of his fever so they would test him again in 4th grade (which they did and that is when he FINALLY got placed). What she DIDN'T tell me was that we could have re-tested him for 4th grade placement!!! I found that out the next year talking to one of his classmate's mom's who had to be re-tested to get in.

Talk about mad!

[Sharnita]

Wow.
Your son is lazy and he lied to you and his teachers by forging your signature, correct? There are honestly a lot of questions I'd ask you before I know if your letter/feelings are reasonable.

You say that they didn't notify you for three months, does that mean the grades he intercepted were sent out three months after the school year began?

Did your son apologize for what was basically fraud?

Is son bringing his planner to the teachers to have it signed or are you, and he, expecting them to ask him to get it out and/or track him down? I'd happily sign the planner if the kid brought it to me. By 7th or 8th grade it would be his responsibility to come to me, though. Especially if he's gifted.

Did you and/or he get a description of parental and student expectations for this program? What do they involve?

What happens next year when he is still lazy? Three years from now?

Why should he get more time to do work he chose not to do in the time originally provided?

[Bob Ducca]

fklwmn, I sympathize with the situation- I know it is frustrating when any child underachieves, let alone a gifted one.  I was reading on a 10th grade level and almost failed 5th grade reading because it was so boring, and it drove my parents nuts.

That being said, I have to agree with Sharnita's post that, from a teacher's viewpoint, there is a lot of information we don't have.  I think I understand that you and the teachers came up with strategies for you to follow and the teachers to follow, but what about him?  It sounds like the breakdown of communication could be happening because your son isn't following through on his responsibilities.  I would suggest that you find out if he is participating in the plan by taking the planner to the teachers, correctly noting assignments, etc. and your e-mail could include a request that the teachers let you know if he is doing what he is supposed to do.  Perhaps a conference with his teachers and an administrator would help- sometimes teachers who are used to gifted children are unaccustomed to taking extra time on kids who are failing, so an administrator may be able to supervise them.  If you are reluctant to do that, then at least cc a copy of your e-mail to the principal.

ginlyn: Although many people disparage public school teachers, in reality most of us work very hard and try to help each student become successful; however, learning is an active process and even the best teacher can't teach a student who refuses to learn. 

Another problem is that the majority of junior high schools have teachers that specialize in one subject, meaning their student load is as much as 10 times more than that of an elementary school teacher.  While it perhaps could be reasonable to ask that an elementary classroom teacher e-mail parents homework assignments and the like, asking a secondary level teacher to do that is really going above and beyond, considering that students that age should be able to keep track of their own homework assignments.  All of the secondary schools where I have taught issue each student a free homework planner to make sure the kids can do this.  As a secondary level music teacher, I taught between 180-200 students every day.  I worked very hard to make sure each one had the opportunity to succeed.  But students have a responsibility as well...blaming the teacher isn't always the way to go.  I know there are bad, lazy teachers out there, just as there are bad, lazy parents.  Please don't generalize that we are all bad.

[fklwmn]

Wow.
Your son is lazy and he lied to you and his teachers by forging your signature, correct? There are honestly a lot of questions I'd ask you before I know if your letter/feelings are reasonable.

You say that they didn't notify you for three months, does that mean the grades he intercepted were sent out three months after the school year began?

Did your son apologize for what was basically fraud?

Is son bringing his planner to the teachers to have it signed or are you, and he, expecting them to ask him to get it out and/or track him down? I'd happily sign the planner if the kid brought it to me. By 7th or 8th grade it would be his responsibility to come to me, though. Especially if he's gifted.

Did you and/or he get a description of parental and student expectations for this program? What do they involve?

What happens next year when he is still lazy? Three years from now?

Why should he get more time to do work he chose not to do in the time originally provided?

Oh, I'm happy to answer these questions for you! as I said, I have been doing everything that *I* can do.

1. the grades my son intercepted were send out in early November. I met with his teachers at the end of November, after the end of the first 9 weeks and only 2 weeks before the end of the next interim grading period. (but about 3 weeks before interims would be sent home)

2. Yes, my son apologized. He was also grounded from EVERYTHING for 3 weeks, was given extra chores, and got his butt spanked. I do not take lying and forgery lightly.

3. My son is responsible for writing down his assigments and bringing them to the teachers to get signed. I have a very strict punishment/reward policy in effect to make sure that this gets done. and it is HIS responsibility. And he is in 6th grade.

4. we got student/parental responsibilities. They consist of staying organized (something I have to stay on top of him about, which is very hard for me), turning in assignments on time, and studying. Parents are expected to remain involved and communicate with the teachers to help their children succeed.

5. Thisi s one reason why I am so frustrated. I feel like right now is the CRITICAL time to break him of these habits and show him that he is sUPPOSED to have to try in school. But He won't still be diogn this in 3 years, or even next year. The probation period in the Gifted program will essentially allow him to fail the entire year before he is kicked out, but I'm not that generous. I have let him know that if he has even one F on his next report card I will pull him out of this program and put him BACK in Regular Ed. For him this would mean an entirely new school b/c the gifted program is not in our home district, and the school in our home district is so terrible that I wouldn't send a dog there. He doesn't want to leave his school, but I don't know how much motivation this is for him. FWIW, I told him that *I* am not going to be the onlyone working my behind off for him to succeed, and if he doesn't get his act together he can fail in regular ed.

6. I actually DON'T think he should get more time to finish his class work. IMO, class work should be finished in class. But apprently it is SOP for the kids to take their class work home to finish if they didn't finish it in class. That is the teacher's policy, not mine.

[fklwmn]

fklwmn, I sympathize with the situation- I know it is frustrating when any child underachieves, let alone a gifted one.

That being said, I have to agree with Sharnita's post that, from a teacher's viewpoint, there is a lot of information we don't have.  I think I understand that you and the teachers came up with strategies for you to follow and the teachers to follow, but what about him?  It sounds like the breakdown of communication is happening because your son isn't following through on his responsibilities.  I would suggest that you find out if he is participating in the plan by taking the planner to the teachers, correctly noting assignments, etc.

Actually, he is taking his planner to the teachers to have it signed daily. Basically, if he misses one day of having it signed (in a 2 week period) then he misses one of his days with his dad (it might seem awful, but it's the only punishment that works). If he misses 3 days then he misses the whole weekend with his dad. But if he can get it signed every day for a month, he gets to spend an EXTRA day with his dad.

He only had to miss one day at his dad's before he started making sure it was signed every single day. As far as whether or not he is noting it correctly.... that is the point of having the teachers sign it. I expect them not to sign it unless he has written it correctly. Otherwise, what is the point?

[RoseRose]

fklwmn, I sympathize with the situation- I know it is frustrating when any child underachieves, let alone a gifted one.

That being said, I have to agree with Sharnita's post that, from a teacher's viewpoint, there is a lot of information we don't have.  I think I understand that you and the teachers came up with strategies for you to follow and the teachers to follow, but what about him?  It sounds like the breakdown of communication is happening because your son isn't following through on his responsibilities.  I would suggest that you find out if he is participating in the plan by taking the planner to the teachers, correctly noting assignments, etc.

Actually, he is taking his planner to the teachers to have it signed daily. Basically, if he misses one day of having it signed (in a 2 week period) then he misses one of his days with his dad (it might seem awful, but it's the only punishment that works). If he misses 3 days then he misses the whole weekend with his dad. But if he can get it signed every day for a month, he gets to spend an EXTRA day with his dad.

He only had to miss one day at his dad's before he started making sure it was signed every single day. As far as whether or not he is noting it correctly.... that is the point of having the teachers sign it. I expect them not to sign it unless he has written it correctly. Otherwise, what is the point?

As a former lazy student, one tactic is the writing it in pencil, then erasing.  I'd make sure he's writing the assignments in PEN (and that the teachers know to check for that too, as well).  It's a way to avoid having to do the work, without getting in trouble, especially since he has a history of laziness and forgery.  (I actually didn't do this one, but my little brother did.  I did lie about my homework a lot in Jr. High).  Also, you're right about nipping it in the bud NOW.  My dad tried, but didn't manage to, and I'm struggling to change the laziness issues now that I'm in college, and actually care myself.  (There were other issues that didn't help while I was in jr. high and high school...)  I'd also check to find out if there's more reasons than just laziness that he isn't doing his work, because there was that for me.  It could be just laziness... but don't assume that (not saying you did... just basically taking everything out of my own experience of why I didn't do my homework and turning it into advice).

I guess that's all the advice I have from the student's perspective.  As for the teachers... that e-mail sounds pretty effective.

[housewife2k]

Personally, I would bring up to the teachers your distress at them not notifying you sooner that DS was failing. I would be incredibally upset if this had happened to me, and they need to know not to do this in the future. Many kids who are not put into gifted programs until later hae issues with doing homework, it is not uncommon, and yes, even though it is your and your son's responsibility to stay on top of it, it is their responsibility to let you know whn it isn't happenning.

Was your agreement put into writing? You might have some recourse if it was.

Sharnita-I don't think she is asking for her son to have extra time to do the work, per se, just that it is done during study hall. Many kids do thei homework/days school work in study hall, either to catch up or get ahead. If the teachers are not making sure he has the work, or if the study hall teacher is letting him sit there and twiddle his thumbs, something needs to be done.

[Sharnita]

Good to know. This helps.  

I'd ask for a meeting to rewrite the plan.

I'd definitely get rid of the extra time, even if it is SOP. As a former "smart but lazy" kid, knowing I'll be given a chance to do it later undercut any motivation I had to kick it into high gear.

I guess I still don't get the planner thing. Does son bring it to the teachers and they refuse to sign a "yea" or "nay" on getting his work done? That would just be bizarre!

Ask if you can get their e-mail at school so you can drop a line to at least see what they've done every few days.

A three month time period before any sort of grades or progress report seems like it is too long. Six weeks seems more reasonable.

[Bob Ducca]

Trina, I just read your response, and I really applaud all you are doing for your son's education.

Bring in someone from administration.  If he is presenting his planner to the teachers and they are still not signing it, then they need to be reminded of their responsibilities.

Good luck!

[NOVA Lady]

My opinion isn't going to be popular (and I haven't read the other responses but..)

-Your son doesn't do his work
-Your son lied to you
-Your son forged your signature

and you're angry at the teachers?

While I am aware that the job of teachers is to educate kids...but shouldn't a parent notice that in 3 months her child isn't doing his work. When I was in middle/high school my parents would ask to see my assignments and see that I had completed them. If I didn't complete something they knew about it, and if they didn't know about it they would be mad at me not my teachers for not telling them.


Although I agree with you, if the teachers agreed to a certain thing and then didn't follow through that needs to be addressed. But really, they aren't 100% responsible for you not knowing your son was failing their classes. It seems that he needs to be worked with on honesty, work ethic, etc.

I am not knocking you and please don't take it as such. I just think the reaction towards the teachers is quite strong and there are other places where responsibility lies as well.

I just wonder how you be working with him from home and making sure he  completes his assignments and him still failing....is he hiding stuff from you and lying?

Again, I know this isn't going to be popular, but theres only so much teachers can do. But they should not agree or propose to do something they don't intend to follow through on.

[fklwmn]

Good to know. This helps.  

I'd ask for a meeting to rewrite the plan.

I'd definitely get rid of the extra time, even if it is SOP. As a former "smart but lazy" kid, knowing I'll be given a chance to do it later undercut any motivation I had to kick it into high gear.

I guess I still don't get the planner thing. Does son bring it to the teachers and they refuse to sign a "yea" or "nay" on getting his work done? That would just be bizarre!

Ask if you can get their e-mail at school so you can drop a line to at least see what they've done every few days.

A three month time period before any sort of grades or progress report seems like it is too long. Six weeks seems more reasonable.

The planner thing is him writing down his homework assignments. The teachers review what he has written to make sure he is wrtinig down his assignments properly. thenk *I* review the assignments in theplanner and make sure that they are finished. This is the one thing that is happening, but it's also the one thing that I can control with minimal teacher input. I make son responsible (via punishment/rewards) for getting it signed. Then I make sure the work is done. but if there are other issues that are contributing to his grades, I don't know what they are b/c no one is telling me. The teachers know that DS1 does not give me written communications so they all made sure they had my email address. There is no reason that he should still be failing without my knowing it and what the issues are.

It may be time to rewrite the plan, though I am not sure what else we could do. I am not sure about taking away the extra time to get the work done. I was a lazy student too. In fact, I WAS my son. So I completely understand him. It's basically about rebuilding his habits and also retraining his thught that just b/c it is HARD, he can't do it. School isn't supposed to be something you can sleep through, but for him it always was so he feels stupid when he can't just breeze through. *sigh*

I don't know what else I can do other than making sure he gets his homework done. If he is behind in a subject I can hire him a tutor, but that is not the issue. In fact, his science teacher told me she thinks he is not only in the top 5% of students in the county (which is who the gifted program is catered to) but that he is probably in the top 5% of the gifted students. Which just makes me madder. He is my mother's curse... just like me! But he has so many more opportunities than I did and honestly? The gifted classes have LESS homework and class work than regular ed!

When i was in school the work bored me, and I felt like it was busy work (If I can get 99 or 100 on the test without doing any of the work, why do I need to do the work? That was my attitude) so I didn't want to do it. But he isn't in the same situation b/c he is in a better program, but not for long if he doesn't get himself straightened up!

[fklwmn]

My opinion isn't going to be popular (and I haven't read the other responses but..)

-Your son doesn't do his work
-Your son lied to you
-Your son forged your signature

and you're angry at the teachers?

While I am aware that the job of teachers is to educate kids...but shouldn't a parent notice that in 3 months her child isn't doing his work. When I was in middle/high school my parents would ask to see my assignments and see that I had completed them. If I didn't complete something they knew about it, and if they didn't know about it they would be mad at me not my teachers for not telling them.


Although I agree with you, if the teachers agreed to a certain thing and then didn't follow through that needs to be addressed. But really, they aren't 100% responsible for you not knowing your son was failing their classes. It seems that he needs to be worked with on honesty, work ethic, etc.

I am not knocking you and please don't take it as such. I just think the reaction towards the teachers is quite strong and there are other places where responsibility lies as well.

I just wonder how you be working with him from home and making sure he  completes his assignments and him still failing....is he hiding stuff from you and lying?

Again, I know this isn't going to be popular, but theres only so much teachers can do. But they should not agree or propose to do something they don't intend to follow through on.

Oh, trust me.. I am PLENTY mad at my son. I have addressed some of that in subsequent posts so I am sure you can see some of the steps I have taken with him.  During the first few months of school he lost his planner. So he wasn't writing down his assignments. When I would ask for his homework he'd show me one thing and tell me that was all he had. CBG (center based gifted) kids do have a lot less homework than is normal for regular ed, so I didn't know if he was telling the truth or not. After my meeing witht he teachers I had to buy him another planner so he could get it signed daily. Plus I had to buy him a special binder so that he could keep his papers organized. He still struggles with that and I have to WATCH him organize his papers weekly or it doesn't get done.

As for work ethic - his is awful. I know this. It's not just school, he is just as bad at chores. It will take him 3 hours to do the dishes b/c he won't just DO them. he has to wine and cry about having to do his chores. And when he does themthey are half-@ssed so that I have to check all of the dishes in the cabinet to make sure they are clean and make him re-wash the ones that aren't. THIS is a constant struggle.

[Mikayla]

Hi fklwmn.  I, too, come from a family of teachers, so please take this in the spirit in which it is meant. 

But I see a bit of passive/aggressiveness in your story, and I noted it as early as the first paragraph, where you allowed your son to drift along getting C's.  When I was his age, something similar happened to me, and my parents refused to accept these C's. 

I agree that the school has been remiss in several areas, but is it possible that, because your child is gifted, you have been too hands off in his studies and now everyone - child, mom, teachers - is in overdrive?  As his parent, you are the one with primary responsibility to make sure his intelligence is also accompanied by progress in problem solving, setting goals and priorities, honesty, etc. 

But when you say the "critical" time is now, I would have to disagree.  The critical time started his first day of school.  I'm obviously glad his current teachers are willing to go an extra step to help him (and it does sound like this will have a positive outcome) but if it had been me, I might have been a bit more appreciative of the extra work these teachers have been doing on his behalf. 

Good luck with this!