Underacheiving son... letter to the teachers (LONG)

[ShadesOfGrey]

fklwmn,
Based upon your letter, it seems that you assumed that "No news is good news."  Well, you have now discovered that that is clearly not the case with your son! I was writing a long response, but most people have already said the things that I mentioned (plus lots of extra advice!), so it is only superflouous to repeat them.  Below is one suggestion that I really want to emphasize, because it seems like it could really work for you. 

1) Right or wrong, teachers can have fragile egos and don't like to be told how to run their classrooms.  Heck, HUMANS frequently don't like to be told how to do their jobs!    If I were you, I'd take out anything in the letter than sounds accusatory and restate it as "Huh, don't know why this isn't working, but it isn't.  Together, let's identify barriers and see what we can do to solve those problems."  Stress working together instead of "I'm pulling my weight, but you're not."  Other posters hit the nail on the head when they said that teachers have A LOT of students to worry about and may not be able to keep up with individual plans for each student.

2) I agree with the other poster who suggested that you get someone in administration involved, whether it's a principal, a school counselor, or a school psychologist.  The counselors/psychologists have been trained to deal with things like this and can be a big help.

3) The most important thing I learned in my Behavior Management class is that it's more effective to focus on good behavior than bad, i.e., focus on reinforcement instead of punishment.  This would help alleviate the perception of mom's house being a House of Pain and dad's a House of Fun, especially since his dad isn't on board with anything that puts him (dad) in the Bad Guy role.

Make everything a privilege to be earned -- watching TV, playing video games, spending time with friends, and anything else your son enjoys (besides feeding, clothing, and housing him).  With each chore completed, each assignment done, he earns some privilege, e.g., 2 hours of TV time, 1 hour of video games, etc.  Think of things that your son finds motivating and be creative!  Extra time with dad (if dad's available for that), NOT having to do chores (e.g., if you do dishes 5 days in a row, you get 2 days off.  If not, you have to do all 7), etc.  So it's not a matter of suffering through punishments until he can escape to dad's, but that through his responsible behavior, he gets to do the things he wants to do.

To start, make things easy and have tasks be in small chunks.  You don't want to say something like, "If you do EVERY assignment EVERY day for a month, you get XYZ reinforcer."  What happens if he screws up on Day 3?  No motivation to stick it out for the rest of the month -- he's already blown it.  So each DAY of all assignments done earns XYZ reinforcer.  Make sense?  Set reasonable expectations/goals that build in him a sense of confidence and competence.

Good luck!

fklwmn, you have tried all sorts of punishments. What Courtney mentions above could be the behavior modification model that works for your son.  Make EVERYTHING a reward for doing his schoolwork.  This will quickly teach him to filter things through a different set of priorities (not to mention communicat just how important you think his schoolwork is!). 


I wasnt gifted to the extent that your son is in school, but I was definitely book-smart enough to warrant lots of extra work, sometimes work that was several grades above my level.  My best words to you would be to NOT confuse intelligence, smartness and maturity.  Your son is extremely smart, but he is clearly not mature enough to recognize that school is a very important institution that needs to be respected (that's not a reprimand of your son.  No one would expect him to be that mature at this age - gifted or not).  It's up to you to teach him how to treat his very real responsibilities at this stage in life, no matter how important they may or may not be later on in life. 

You seem to want to be involved, so I say get very involved.  Call the school weekly for progress reports on your son's performance.  A 20 minute conversation with one or two of his teachers weekly will go a LONG way to avoiding his failure over the long run.  Do homework with your son, and talk to him about what he is going over in school - NOT what the teacher is teaching, but HIS THOUGHTS on what is being taught.  I remember being very frustrated with the structure of classes that only allowed me to go as far as the teacher wanted to teach, and not explore deeper meanings on interesting subjects, or look ahead to the next math chapter because this one was easy, etc.  This type of conversation will help him to actually make his lessons relevant to his life, and he can share his frustrations about it too, in a safe environment that isn't so structured.  No matter what he says, just LISTEN, dont lecture him on the importance of the subject.  Talk to him as if he were another adult, telling you about something in his life.  I know this really would have helped me through my school years. 

I say this not to tell you how to relate to your son, but as someone at her wit's end looking for advice, I hope that my experiences can perhaps give you another angle of how to approach your son. 

This is something that all 3 groups (you mostly, your son second mostly, and then the school) need to be involved in solving, but you alone are the person with the responsibility to proactively manage your son's gifts. 

May this situation work out in your son's favor. 

[platys]

To start, make things easy and have tasks be in small chunks.  You don't want to say something like, "If you do EVERY assignment EVERY day for a month, you get XYZ reinforcer."  What happens if he screws up on Day 3?  No motivation to stick it out for the rest of the month -- he's already blown it.  So each DAY of all assignments done earns XYZ reinforcer.  Make sense?  Set reasonable expectations/goals that build in him a sense of confidence and competence.

I completely agree with this.  As a former "gifted" child, I always felt like I could do nothing right with my mother, because she'd tell me, as an 8 or 10 year old to clean the kitchen.  Completely.   And if I missed anything, the entire effort meant nothing to her.  And having her double check my work was just humiliating, because no matter how hard I tried, I always, always did something wrong.  Maybe I'd wash all the dishes, tryign to do my best, but I'd lose focus on the 12th plate, and the other 11 just didn't count at all.  If I missed a tiny section of counter, it was as if I had done nothing.    I felt stressed all the time, which made matters even worse.   I sitll don't like going to visit my mother, because she'll tell me that leaving my purse on the couch counts as the entire house being a mess.

[fklwmn]

I'm working on a PhD in School Psychology, so this thread is very interesting to me since it's probably something I'll have to deal with in my future professional life.

1) Right or wrong, teachers can have fragile egos and don't like to be told how to run their classrooms.  Heck, HUMANS frequently don't like to be told how to do their jobs!    If I were you, I'd take out anything in the letter than sounds accusatory and restate it as "Huh, don't know why this isn't working, but it isn't.  Together, let's identify barriers and see what we can do to solve those problems."  Stress working together instead of "I'm pulling my weight, but you're not."  Other posters hit the nail on the head when they said that teachers have A LOT of students to worry about and may not be able to keep up with individual plans for each student.

2) I agree with the other poster who suggested that you get someone in administration involved, whether it's a principal, a school counselor, or a school psychologist.  The counselors/psychologists have been trained to deal with things like this and can be a big help.

Perhaps, if his dad would reinforce my efforts while my son was there it would not be necessary to use this as an incentive. Or maybe it would just mean that Dad's house isn't so fun that it can be used as both a punishment and a reward. Either way, this is the ONE thing that has motivated him to follow through with anything. And he keeps track of it and gets excited when he has almost earned an extra day with Dad. I think that's great. Whatever it takes to get him on the right track. This isn't some kind of evil game I am playing or trying to keep him away from his Dad. It's me trying to create an environment in which he is motivated to succeed.

3) The most important thing I learned in my Behavior Management class is that it's more effective to focus on good behavior than bad, i.e., focus on reinforcement instead of punishment.  This would help alleviate the perception of mom's house being a House of Pain and dad's a House of Fun, especially since his dad isn't on board with anything that puts him (dad) in the Bad Guy role.

Make everything a privilege to be earned -- watching TV, playing video games, spending time with friends, and anything else your son enjoys (besides feeding, clothing, and housing him).  With each chore completed, each assignment done, he earns some privilege, e.g., 2 hours of TV time, 1 hour of video games, etc.  Think of things that your son finds motivating and be creative!  Extra time with dad (if dad's available for that), NOT having to do chores (e.g., if you do dishes 5 days in a row, you get 2 days off.  If not, you have to do all 7), etc.  So it's not a matter of suffering through punishments until he can escape to dad's, but that through his responsible behavior, he gets to do the things he wants to do.

To start, make things easy and have tasks be in small chunks.  You don't want to say something like, "If you do EVERY assignment EVERY day for a month, you get XYZ reinforcer."  What happens if he screws up on Day 3?  No motivation to stick it out for the rest of the month -- he's already blown it.  So each DAY of all assignments done earns XYZ reinforcer.  Make sense?  Set reasonable expectations/goals that build in him a sense of confidence and competence.

And, if I may, I highly recommend that you watch the ABC show Supernanny.  I got hooked when my professor showed us clips in Behavior Management -- Jo (Supernanny) demonstrates a lot of what I'm talking about -- focusing on the positive, reinforcing/rewarding good behavior with rewards that are motivating to the children, etc.

Good luck!

You make some very good points. The problem is with DS1, he would rather be sitting in a corner with nothing to do ALL THE TIME, than to do things like chores or homework. I am not kidding. I have tried both punishing undesireable behavior and rewarding good behavior, and his reaction is the same either way. "that's okay, I just won't watch tv/play outside/take tennis lessons."

He is a spiteful child and would rather do something that makes him unhappy in the long run than to do something that he doesn't like so that he can do something he DOES like. I wish I could think of an example here b/c he does this stuff all the time. I am forever saying "You are cutting off your nose to spite your face!" to him b/c he would rather be MISERABLE and have NOTHING he wants, than to have things only partially his way. It'slike if things can't be exactly his way, he wants to martyr himself by creating a situation where he gets NOTHING that he wants so he can have himself a little pity party.

It's a difficult personality b/c there is no rewarding responsible behavior. He would rather forfeit the reward than exhibit responsible behavior.  Ditto for punishing poor behavior. He'd rather behave poorly and then be punished than to behave well to begin with and not be punished.

And I do watch supernanny but if I stuck my son in a naughty spot,he'd decide he was going sit there until bedtime

[fklwmn]

I would bullet point the strategies and questions you have so that they're not lost, remove references to "any of you" (because it seems kind of accusatory), firm up language like "I'm not sure why..." and "I can't imagine why...", and remove references to the plan as a "deal" or "bargain."

I'd also suggest that you state that you plan to contact the teachers weekly, and ask them which days or times are best, to talk about DS1's progress.  To keep them from getting defensive, you could phrase it as if you're willing to do the work of initiating the contact since they're busy or overwhelmed, as opposed to, "Well if you can't be bothered, then I'll just do it myself."

This is how I tweaked your letter - take what you like, throw away what you don't. 

I am concerned that there has not been adequate communication regarding DS1’s progress since our meeting in November. In that meeting we came up with several strategies in order to help DS1 succeed in this program:

- DS1 would have his planner signed each day by his teachers so that I can make sure he is completing all of his homework.
- Any class work that was not completed would be given to DS1 to complete during ASE. 
- Each teacher would email me prior to interims being released to update me on DS1’s progress so that we could alter the plan if necessary.

I had not heard from any teacher since that meeting, so I was surprised when DS1’s interim had 4 failing grades.  In addition to that, there was at least one comment on the interim about DS1 not completing and turning in his class work. I thought that he was supposed to be spending his time in ASE completing any work he did not finish in class.

I know that we all want to see DS1 succeed in this program, but without regular communication from DS1’s teachers I am out of the loop.  When I did not receive the email prior to interims I assumed he must have gotten himself back on track. I am disappointed that I was not notified that he was still failing 4 classes and what needed to be done to raise his grades.

Please let me know:

1. Whether DS1 has managed to raise his grades since interim time.
2. Whether DS1 has been turning in both homework and class work since interims, or if there is some other problem that is keeping his grades down.
3. Whether it is a realistic goal for him to raise his grades between now and the end of the 9 weeks, and what he needs to do in order to accomplish this. 
4. Whether DS1 can continue to use ASE time to complete his classwork.  If this is not possible, then please make sure he writes the incomplete class work in his assignment planner so that I can make sure it gets done as homework.

I am sending a copy of this email to Senorita Santiago via her school notes page because I do not have her email address. I look forward to your replies. Thank you for your dedication to J’s success.

Thank yuo so much for the rewrite!!! I do think you were able to communicat the issues much more effectively (and less judgmentally) than I did. Thanks so much!

[fklwmn]

fklwmn,
Based upon your letter, it seems that you assumed that "No news is good news."  Well, you have now discovered that that is clearly not the case with your son! I was writing a long response, but most people have already said the things that I mentioned (plus lots of extra advice!), so it is only superflouous to repeat them.  Below is one suggestion that I really want to emphasize, because it seems like it could really work for you. 

1) Right or wrong, teachers can have fragile egos and don't like to be told how to run their classrooms.  Heck, HUMANS frequently don't like to be told how to do their jobs!    If I were you, I'd take out anything in the letter than sounds accusatory and restate it as "Huh, don't know why this isn't working, but it isn't.  Together, let's identify barriers and see what we can do to solve those problems."  Stress working together instead of "I'm pulling my weight, but you're not."  Other posters hit the nail on the head when they said that teachers have A LOT of students to worry about and may not be able to keep up with individual plans for each student.

2) I agree with the other poster who suggested that you get someone in administration involved, whether it's a principal, a school counselor, or a school psychologist.  The counselors/psychologists have been trained to deal with things like this and can be a big help.

3) The most important thing I learned in my Behavior Management class is that it's more effective to focus on good behavior than bad, i.e., focus on reinforcement instead of punishment.  This would help alleviate the perception of mom's house being a House of Pain and dad's a House of Fun, especially since his dad isn't on board with anything that puts him (dad) in the Bad Guy role.

Make everything a privilege to be earned -- watching TV, playing video games, spending time with friends, and anything else your son enjoys (besides feeding, clothing, and housing him).  With each chore completed, each assignment done, he earns some privilege, e.g., 2 hours of TV time, 1 hour of video games, etc.  Think of things that your son finds motivating and be creative!  Extra time with dad (if dad's available for that), NOT having to do chores (e.g., if you do dishes 5 days in a row, you get 2 days off.  If not, you have to do all 7), etc.  So it's not a matter of suffering through punishments until he can escape to dad's, but that through his responsible behavior, he gets to do the things he wants to do.

To start, make things easy and have tasks be in small chunks.  You don't want to say something like, "If you do EVERY assignment EVERY day for a month, you get XYZ reinforcer."  What happens if he screws up on Day 3?  No motivation to stick it out for the rest of the month -- he's already blown it.  So each DAY of all assignments done earns XYZ reinforcer.  Make sense?  Set reasonable expectations/goals that build in him a sense of confidence and competence.

Good luck!

fklwmn, you have tried all sorts of punishments. What Courtney mentions above could be the behavior modification model that works for your son.  Make EVERYTHING a reward for doing his schoolwork.  This will quickly teach him to filter things through a different set of priorities (not to mention communicat just how important you think his schoolwork is!). 


I wasnt gifted to the extent that your son is in school, but I was definitely book-smart enough to warrant lots of extra work, sometimes work that was several grades above my level.  My best words to you would be to NOT confuse intelligence, smartness and maturity.  Your son is extremely smart, but he is clearly not mature enough to recognize that school is a very important institution that needs to be respected (that's not a reprimand of your son.  No one would expect him to be that mature at this age - gifted or not).  It's up to you to teach him how to treat his very real responsibilities at this stage in life, no matter how important they may or may not be later on in life. 

You seem to want to be involved, so I say get very involved.  Call the school weekly for progress reports on your son's performance.  A 20 minute conversation with one or two of his teachers weekly will go a LONG way to avoiding his failure over the long run.  Do homework with your son, and talk to him about what he is going over in school - NOT what the teacher is teaching, but HIS THOUGHTS on what is being taught.  I remember being very frustrated with the structure of classes that only allowed me to go as far as the teacher wanted to teach, and not explore deeper meanings on interesting subjects, or look ahead to the next math chapter because this one was easy, etc.  This type of conversation will help him to actually make his lessons relevant to his life, and he can share his frustrations about it too, in a safe environment that isn't so structured.  No matter what he says, just LISTEN, dont lecture him on the importance of the subject.  Talk to him as if he were another adult, telling you about something in his life.  I know this really would have helped me through my school years. 

I say this not to tell you how to relate to your son, but as someone at her wit's end looking for advice, I hope that my experiences can perhaps give you another angle of how to approach your son. 

This is something that all 3 groups (you mostly, your son second mostly, and then the school) need to be involved in solving, but you alone are the person with the responsibility to proactively manage your son's gifts. 

May this situation work out in your son's favor. 

thanks for your thoughtful input. One thing I wanted to mention is that the gifted education program is structured COMPLETELY differently than regular education classes are. It is designedin a way to allow the kids to delve into the areas of each subject that they are the most interested in and to allow the teacher to move on quickly from one topic to the next  based on their comprehension level. I have said several times that they get much less homework than regular education classes do. that's b/c our Gifted Education department recognizes that these kids actually think differently than most kids, and so they just give enough homework to ensure that they have mastered the topic for use outside of the classroom. It's a great prgram and I just think he doesn't realize how lucky he is to be in it.


You give some great food for thought and I will defintiely be sure to stay in touch with his teachers on a weekly basis. I'm not sure how much help that will be, but at least I will know what his proggress is.

[fklwmn]

To start, make things easy and have tasks be in small chunks.  You don't want to say something like, "If you do EVERY assignment EVERY day for a month, you get XYZ reinforcer."  What happens if he screws up on Day 3?  No motivation to stick it out for the rest of the month -- he's already blown it.  So each DAY of all assignments done earns XYZ reinforcer.  Make sense?  Set reasonable expectations/goals that build in him a sense of confidence and competence.

I completely agree with this.  As a former "gifted" child, I always felt like I could do nothing right with my mother, because she'd tell me, as an 8 or 10 year old to clean the kitchen.  Completely.   And if I missed anything, the entire effort meant nothing to her.  And having her double check my work was just humiliating, because no matter how hard I tried, I always, always did something wrong.  Maybe I'd wash all the dishes, tryign to do my best, but I'd lose focus on the 12th plate, and the other 11 just didn't count at all.  If I missed a tiny section of counter, it was as if I had done nothing.    I felt stressed all the time, which made matters even worse.   I sitll don't like going to visit my mother, because she'll tell me that leaving my purse on the couch counts as the entire house being a mess.

Oh, how awful! I am hoping my son doesn't feel this way. I am by no means a neat freak, but I also can't stand knowing he is half-doing something just to be done with it. I'm a big fan of pointing out the positive "Wow, the counters and the table look great" and then the things that still need work "You need to sweep the floor before you are done."

[Bob Ducca]

Oh, how awful! I am hoping my son doesn't feel this way. I am by no means a neat freak, but I also can't stand knowing he is half-doing something just to be done with it. I'm a big fan of pointing out the positive "Wow, the counters and the table look great" and then the things that still need work "You need to sweep the floor before you are done."

That's what my mom did with me (a former GC) and it worked fine.  I'm not sure why giftedness is often accompanied by laziness, but that was the case with me!  Don't worry too much about that- it sounds like you are a great mom doing a great job with a challenging situation.

As far as his lack of motivation, I'm stumped, I must say.  Have you considered a counselor/child therapist?  It seems unusual that there is no activity or object he cares enough about to do what he is supposed to do.  The Dr. Phil way would be, "Well, if he'd rather sit in the quiet spot all night, let him!  Then let him do it the next night!  Eventually it will change!  You can't put a horse in a bucket unless the well is already dry!" [audience applause], but real life isn't always like Dr. Phil, right? 

I love Dr. Phil and his metaphors...

[ShadesOfGrey]

As far as his lack of motivation, I'm stumped, I must say.   Have you considered a counselor/child therapist?  It seems unusual that there is no activity or object he cares enough about to do what he is supposed to do. The Dr. Phil way would be, "Well, if he'd rather sit in the quiet spot all night, let him!   Then let him do it the next night!  Eventually it will change!  You can't put a horse in a bucket unless the well is already dry!" [audience applause], but real life isn't always like Dr. Phil, right? 

Deb, I think yo have hit on the crux of the issue here. Based on all the OP's responses, it sounds more like this is an issue with her son's motivation than anything she is or is not doing (or the teachers). 

fklwmn, it would suit you to address this issue with him. Perhaps directly might even work?

[JoyinVirginia]

I REALLY like the responses from Courtney and Verruca. I want to add my opinion that positive communication with teachers and the kids is very productive. Also, as the mom of a 19 yo college student (who was in gifted track) and 13 yo seventh grader, MOST elementary school and middle school students have issues with organization, keeping track of assignments, and turning in homework. The schools in my county have some terrific tools and procedures to help all of us - students, parents, and teachers. Maybe you could suggest some of these:
1) Homework Hotline - teachers record homework assignments every day, or for the week, parents can call in to check on assignments
2) Fridge magnets the school gave out with homework hotline and attendance line numbers
3) EVERY student gets a planner, and EVERY teacher checks EVERY student's planner to make sure their particular assignments are recorded correctly. teachers check things off with a stamp, or check mark in different inks, something like that.
4) The very first parent-teacher meeting is held within 2-3 weeks of school starting, and parents get to circulate to classes their kids go to. Each teacher explains their class and homework policies, curriculum, special projects, and best times to get in touch with them with questions or concerns.
5) More and more teachers have their own webpage that they post assignments on, that you can send email, etc. When younger DD has to miss school because of illness, she emails her teachers and they email her back. Amazing!

Teachers do have a lot of students, and I have found the old proverb, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease" is true. When we have had problems in certain classes or with getting homework in, things like that, I call or email teachers weekly to let THEM know what DD is  doing and her progress, and then they let ME know how things are going on their end. I ALWAYS express my appreciation for their help. Teachers like positive reinforcement, too! And I try, tho it's very, very hard, to remember that my kids have responsibility and ownership of their grades - and if they choose to not work so hard, and then not get as good grades - that is their responsibility.

As a mom who deals with reminding my seventh grader to do homework, I can certainly emphathize. I take the positive reinforcement approach, and try to avoid micromanaging. That means telling my kid she can spend an hour when she gets home doing whatever she wants - TV, internet, talk with her friends - then it's time to do homework. If she gets homework done by a certain time, we can watch TV together. MONEY is also a motivator - she gets money for A's and B's, nothing for C's, and SHE has to pay US if she gets any lower grades.

Weekends are fun time, we don't worry about homework at all. We do spend some time on housework, but we ALL do housework at the same time, and make it a race, so it gets done quicker. Those neat battery-powered scrubbers are really fun and motivating for getting kids to do the dishes, too.

Best wishes, and remember that you are definitely NOT alone in the ongoing challenges of parenting preteens and teens!
Joy in Virginia  

[RoseRose]

To start, make things easy and have tasks be in small chunks.  You don't want to say something like, "If you do EVERY assignment EVERY day for a month, you get XYZ reinforcer."  What happens if he screws up on Day 3?  No motivation to stick it out for the rest of the month -- he's already blown it.  So each DAY of all assignments done earns XYZ reinforcer.  Make sense?  Set reasonable expectations/goals that build in him a sense of confidence and competence.

I completely agree with this.  As a former "gifted" child, I always felt like I could do nothing right with my mother, because she'd tell me, as an 8 or 10 year old to clean the kitchen.  Completely.   And if I missed anything, the entire effort meant nothing to her.  And having her double check my work was just humiliating, because no matter how hard I tried, I always, always did something wrong.  Maybe I'd wash all the dishes, tryign to do my best, but I'd lose focus on the 12th plate, and the other 11 just didn't count at all.  If I missed a tiny section of counter, it was as if I had done nothing.    I felt stressed all the time, which made matters even worse.   I sitll don't like going to visit my mother, because she'll tell me that leaving my purse on the couch counts as the entire house being a mess.

I agree... I didn't get praised the times I DID do my homework, I didn't earn ANY priveleges, ever... I only had them taken away when I didn't do my homework.  Nothing was ever good enough.  If my father helped me with homework, all he did was make me cry because I couldn't understand HOW he explained math, and he made me feel stupid for not understanding.  If I showed him completed homework, he made me rewrite it because "it wasn't neat enough."  So... I stopped showing him homework, which meant telling him I didn't have any.  He and I had other problems, but... he couldn't MOTIVATE me to work... there were only a couple teachers in high school who could motivate me to do the work for them... I didn't care enough about any of the others.

After my dad never seeing me as good enough... I still often feel as if I am not good enough.  Make sure he knows that even if you're disappointed in the homework, he's still your son, and he's always good enough for you.  I know you FEEL that way... but make sure he knows that.

[housewife2k]

I'm also going to toss my hat in the ring to look into therapy. I know from my sister's experience, my personal experience, and what we have been told to watch for with Oldestson, plus numerous friends, extremely Gifted people are easily depressed. The same things that make us think differently about how we tackle challenges also makes us think differently about ourselves. He might have started off as a lazy student, but having the grades drop might have affected him, having more or less friends, being like someone else, being different than someone else...I don't know, but if, at what...12 years of age, he is content to sit and do nothing, all night, everynight, you need to find out what's really up, and if you can't get anything out of him, or anywhere with him, find a therapists-it cannot hurt, and might help.

[platys]

I agree... I didn't get praised the times I DID do my homework, I didn't earn ANY priveleges, ever... I only had them taken away when I didn't do my homework.

Once, I went crying to my mom about how she never gave me any praise about my report card when I had As.  She said, and I still remember this "Why would I praise you for doing something you were supposed to do".

I know with things like chores at home, given that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't manage to do them to my mother's standards, it got so I wouldn't do anything.  Honestly, by the time I was 12, if the choice was "sit in a corner all night" or "wash dishes", I'd sit in a corner all right, because at least then I wasn't doing anything wrong to get into trouble for. 

But, I can't say the OP's scenario is necesarily the same - I don't know.

[Verruca]

[derail]

"You can't put a horse in a bucket unless the well is already dry!"

Hee!  I totally want to use this metaphor, even though I don't have any idea what it means!

[/derail]

[JudiAU]

I can tell you are frusterated and I think that you have good reason to be. However, I don't think your letter takes quite the right tone.

The core issue is that you son doesn't do the work he is assinged. He is lazy. He cheated at least once. And you know it. And these bad habits are something that he has been allowed to maintain for many years prior to this "crisis year."

And you need the help of his teachers to correct his bad habits. The teachers aren't responsible for his bad habits or for correcting them. But your letter doesn't focus on these issues-- it basically places the blame for the situation on them. I think any communication needs to acknowlege where the real weakness lies, with you son's behavior. You will get better help and communication if you discuss these issues before you condemn them for not making his poor habits their focus. It sounds like all of the teachers are aware of these issues from previous discussions, but I really think it would be helpful if all of the issues where raised in the letter.

[mathchick]

You make some very good points. The problem is with DS1, he would rather be sitting in a corner with nothing to do ALL THE TIME, than to do things like chores or homework. I am not kidding. I have tried both punishing undesirable behavior and rewarding good behavior, and his reaction is the same either way. "that's okay, I just won't watch TV/play outside/take tennis lessons."

He is a spiteful child and would rather do something that makes him unhappy in the long run than to do something that he doesn't like so that he can do something he DOES like. I wish I could think of an example here b/c he does this stuff all the time. I am forever saying "You are cutting off your nose to spite your face!" to him b/c he would rather be MISERABLE and have NOTHING he wants, than to have things only partially his way. It'slike if things can't be exactly his way, he wants to martyr himself by creating a situation where he gets NOTHING that he wants so he can have himself a little pity party.

It's a difficult personality b/c there is no rewarding responsible behavior. He would rather forfeit the reward than exhibit responsible behavior.  Ditto for punishing poor behavior. He'd rather behave poorly and then be punished than to behave well to begin with and not be punished.

And I do watch supernanny but if I stuck my son in a naughty spot,he'd decide he was going sit there until bedtime

I know a guy who was just like your son.  He wouldn't do anything he was told to do unless he felt like it.  If he didn't feel like it, he wouldn't do it.  You could take away TV, computer, video games, books, friends...  He didn't care what you took away.  He would either go do something else that you hadn't taken away yet, or he would just sit somewhere, like your son does.  His parents tried everything with him.  Negative reinforcement, positive reinforcement, earning points toward rewards (earning points over a long term (month) for a reward, and earning points over a short term (day or less) for a reward were both tried), seeing psychologists and trying their suggestions, making sure to praise him for what was done right while working with him on what needed to be done better/still needed to be done, as well as other methods.  They tried EVERYTHING on this guy, and they started trying earlier than you have started with your son.

None of it worked.  Today he's over 18, lives with his parents, has no job, does no chores, does not go to school (he quit school when they were going to fine his parents if he kept being tardy/absent), and pretty much does nothing but hang out with his friends and play computer or video games.

If nothing you do changes the way your son acts, you may just need to step back and let him run into life's natural consequences.  If that means that he ends up doing poorly in school and not getting into college, then that is the natural consequence of his actions.  I see this type of behavior as akin to addictions.  Sometimes nothing works other than to let the person hit bottom, whenever that happens.

I don't mean to be the voice of doom and gloom, and I hope that something works for you.  I wanted to let you know that you're not the only one with a child who did this sort of thing.