Etiquette of telling friends you are NOT using them for professional service

[sweedetobee]

OK the title just sounds wrong but once you get past that...

I have two friends who do mortgages (at 2 separate companies). Mr. Sweede and I will be looking to buy a place soon. However, he feels very uncomfortable using either friend because he doesn't want anyone to know our financial business in that kind of detail.

Now, he loves both friends, trusts them and they are good at what they do.  They are both expecting our business - they send us house listings in certain neighborhoods and tell us about great rates they got for other clients, but not in an annoying way - just kind of in a "I can't wait to help you out" way. 

If it were my decision I would actually choose to use one of the friends. However, I do not want to fight about money with Mr. Sweede and  I also feel that we need to present the proverbial "united front" so it doesn't look like it is Mr. Sweede who is saying "no".  They will both be upset/disappointed that we are not using them. I already know this.

I want to deal with this proactively as I think they would be even more hurt if they found out later on that we were already using a different mortgage company so this is what I am thinking and I'd like to know your thoughts on if I am handling this correctly (separate email to each person):

Dear Friend,
As you know, Mr. Sweede and I will be looking to buy a house soon and we're really excited. We know that you work for X Company doing mortgages, and we are going to be getting a mortgage soon, but we really don't want to mix friendship and business.  We don't want you to think this is any reflection on our friendship - we value your friendship very, very much and know that you would do an excellent job of getting us a mortgage, but we have heard too many horror stories of friendships gone wrong due to business dealings, and we would never want that to happen to us. We just wanted to make sure that you understood our decision as we want to share the details of our house hunting with you and we don't want anything to be awkward.
Love, Mr. & Mrs. Sweede

[Clara Bow]

Sounds to me like you've got it surrounded very nicely. I think that they will understand perfectly.
Incidentally, Mr Sweede is right here in my opinion. There are a whole lot of things that can go horribly wring when friends try to work for one another.

[Slartibartfast]

I think sending out a formal email is a bit much - calling attention to it - but when you start looking, I would drop your decision in casual conversation with both of them.

"Oh, yeah, we're looking now.  We're going through XYZ company.  I know you're good at what you do, but we just didn't want to mix friends and business, you know?"

Then if you want them to be involved because they're friends, you can ask their opinions on things like countertop types or pros and cons of a blacktop driveway.  Just a few casual questions, like you might ask a plumber friend "should I be worried if X is happening?"

FWIW, I think keeping friends and business separate is a very smart idea.

[Gemini]

I can sympathize!! I've been caught with acquaintances who expect me to give them their business, and I've found it can get rather... delicate.

I don't know about an email. It wouldn't be my style, I would prefer to say it to them directly the next time they mention the subject. Something along the lines of gently letting them know I will be dealing with my realtor's contact, or with my banker's reference, etc. Or do you primarily "speak" with these people via email?

I do like your idea of letting them know you prefer to keep business separate from your friendship. I also agree it's not right to keep stringing them along if they're sending you listings and info on rates.

[sweedetobee]

OK, thanks!

So you like the idea of what I'm saying, but just not in an email... I thought that email might not be the best but one person I don't see as often, and quite frankly I'm nervous about any conversation like this in person. I don't know why since they're both my friends!

I wanted to make sure that the sentiment was right.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!

[Brentwood]

I agree with those who say the email may be a bit much and a casual conversation would be better.

My sister deals in annuities, but she does mortgage loans on the side. If we were to refi, I'd want to give her the business and the commission, but on the other hand, we do like to keep our finances private. I'm not sure what we'd do.

[kiero]

Use the company that you want.  If your friends ask you about it - just say the truth.  You don't want to mix freidns and business. 

[MsEva]

You can also use the fact that since you have more than one friend in the business you really wouldn't feel right choosing one over the other.

[Ane]

I think the email is a good idea.  If you tell them in person you may feel embarrassed and awkward and trip over your words.  At the same time the friend, if s/he is nice, will be rushing to cut off your explanations and assure you that it’s all right and not to worry about it.  If, instead, you send your beautifully worded email, you get to say all reassuring things that you would like to and each friend gets a few moments alone to deal with the disappointment without having to worry about reassuring you. 

I do think it has to be brought up.  It’s simple courtesy to tell someone that the services they’ve offered won’t be required.  Aren’t there Etiquette Hell posts about friends offering to bake or sew for a wedding and only finding out their services aren’t required after they’ve spent months calling the bride and pricing fabric/ingredients?

[CreteGirl]

FWIW, I think keeping friends and business separate is a very smart idea.

I agree completely, I learned this the hard way.  The OP has received some great advice, and I think she is correct in not wanting to mix business and friendship.