Busman's Holiday

[Adah]

The thread about telling friends you are not going to be using them for professional services, such as as a mortgage broker, prompted me to start this thread.

How do you politely but firmly tell family/friends/neighbors that you are not interested in fixing their computer/cutting their hair/doing their taxes/etc. if you are a professional software engineer/hair dresser/accountant/etc.?

DH is always being called upon by family, friends and neighbors to fix their computers. As anyone knows, this can take hours -- many of them -- and the last thing DH wants to do on his weekends and evenings is his "day job" without pay. Family are the worst, frankly, and the least thankful. So, how do you put your foot down, particularly with family who are most likely to take advantage of your specialized knowledge? 

[Romes7329]

DH is always being called upon by family, friends and neighbors to fix their computers. As anyone knows, this can take hours -- many of them -- and the last thing DH wants to do on his weekends and evenings is his "day job" without pay. Family are the worst, frankly, and the least thankful. So, how do you put your foot down, particularly with family who are most likely to take advantage of your specialized knowledge? 

"I'm sorry, but that problem seems very complex, and I just don't have the time right now.  You should call the help number that came wit hthe computer"  Rinse, lather, repeat.

I'm a Computer Sicence major with a dad who is self taught in computers...I get this a lot.  He gets this a lot.  I know how frustrating this is.  But this is the only method that has worked.

[Clara Bow]

Tell them your hourly rate, and when you expect payment.
Seriously, I think I'd chuckle and tell them I was off duty.

[Rei-chan]

Auntie V, you read my mind again.....do you have ESP or is this ka?   

I am a self taught computer person, and I used to get this a lot from a certain ex-friend I have mentioned before, and her ex-girlfriend (when they were together).  The friend would understand if I was too busy, but the ex-GF (who was quite frequently drunk) would get all PA about it until one night.....

The call came at about 11 pm, and ex-GF wanted me to come setup her printer, as she wouldn't allow my ex-f to touch it.  When I informed ex-f that it was 11 pm and the instruction manual should suffice to answer any questions, the ex-gf started getting all snarky about it.  I then replied:

"OK, but if I am tech support, I want tech-support wages.  Are you prepared to write me a check for 60 bucks an hour?  If so, I'll be there in 10 minutes."

Ex-GF never asked me for help again, unless I was over there and asked how her PC was doing.   

[Slartibartfast]

Part of being family is receiving requests for verbal advice in your area of expertise - I love being able to call my dad (a doctor) at 10 PM and say "Dad, I'm turning green and have a rash all over my right arm.  What should I do?"  Likewise, DH answers a lot of computer questions from clueless family members ("How do I download the Interweb thingy again?"  "Click twice fast on the blue E.") 

BUT if anyone asks him to come spend lots of time cleaning up their computer, he says it's "not his thing" and suggests where they can find someone else who will do it (professionally).  This usually gets the point across that he's not everyone's personal computer janitor.  And if he gets a bunch of calls from the same person, he helps them sign up for a basic computer class at the library :-)

[IndianInlaw]

My stepfather worked for a time, putting down sod.  One of my mother's coworkers thought he was going to come to her house on the weekend and put in sod for her.

Now this was in South Florida..can you imagine how hot and dirty that job is?

Hmmm...sit in the screened porch with the dog and read the Sun Sentinel, or go to someone's house and toil in the sun?  Decisions, decisions....

He said he didn't have the equipment to do it.

Nor the inclination.

[Clara Bow]

Auntie V, you read my mind again.....do you have ESP or is this ka?   

I am a self taught computer person, and I used to get this a lot from a certain ex-friend I have mentioned before, and her ex-girlfriend (when they were together).  The friend would understand if I was too busy, but the ex-GF (who was quite frequently drunk) would get all PA about it until one night.....

The call came at about 11 pm, and ex-GF wanted me to come setup her printer, as she wouldn't allow my ex-f to touch it.  When I informed ex-f that it was 11 pm and the instruction manual should suffice to answer any questions, the ex-gf started getting all snarky about it.  I then replied:

"OK, but if I am tech support, I want tech-support wages.  Are you prepared to write me a check for 60 bucks an hour?  If so, I'll be there in 10 minutes."

Ex-GF never asked me for help again, unless I was over there and asked how her PC was doing.   

We are sisters beneath the skin....

[LifeOnPluto]

If it was a very close relative or friend (like one's mother), I would be inclined to just provide my services. However, for more distant relatives or casual friends, I'd inform them that I didn't have the time and/or resources to do whatever it was they wanted me too.

My parents owned a wedding car hire business for many years. My mother would take the bookings, and my father and his other drivers would drive the cars and be chauffeurs to the bride/groom/bridal party/etc on weekends. They were always getting requests from friends of theirs whose kids were getting married, asking if dad could drive these kids on their "big day" (free of charge of course). It meant not only did my dad have to provide his services for free, he also missed out on a paid job.

[supernova]

To quote the immortal Robert Heinlein, "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." 

When I was a poor, underemployed, single lass, I always at least offered friends a homecooked meal and a fun evening (watching movies, playing cards, etc.) if I had to ask them for help with my computer or whatever else.  Fortunately I'm a pretty decent cook (if I do say so myself) and it got to the point where I'd get calls like, "Hey, I just replaced my CD/rom drive with a faster one; want me to come over and install my old one in your machine?  And, um, could you make that alfredo thing again?"   

I may not have had the money to pay friends for their professional services, but I wouldn't dream of leaving them uncompensated.  An evening of babysitting, an offer to cater their next party, a couple homemade frozen lasagnas for those busy evenings, lovely home-baked goodies for their next office potluck...  I always offered, even if they refused, because both my pride and their free time were on the line. 

My old dentist even asked me if I could "pay" him in cheesecakes a few times, but that's another story... 

     - saphie

[fluffy]

I work in the IT business, so I get requests for help all of the time. I tend to be a bit of a softy when it comes to people, but I usually at least request that people barter with me. My BF and I are getting a free vacation rental next summer because of all the work that I've done for one family!

I don't tolerate people calling when I'm at work, late at night, or early on the weekends.

[MsEva]

DH's brothers are all quite handy. DH is not. His brothers wouldn't ever offer to help with anything. We pay them if we use them. I think that is sad especially since DH spent lots of time and money with all of their children as they were growing up. The kids wanted to go to sporting events that were sold out and DH would pay broker prices to get them tickets - things like that. These events were not for special occasions like birthdays or Christmas. DH did it to make the kids happy. Free, however, never flows back this way. We have paid for shoddy work that had to be redone, but DH wouldn't make his bro redo it because he didn't want to upset them.

My dad was always doing for others when I was growing up. He got used by lots of people that could well afford to pay union wages for the jobs. It never bothered me when he helped his brothers and sisters, or even some of the neighbors and friends because many of these people would reciprocate on some level and they really appreciated it. It only bothered me when he would do free work for people that really didn't care about him at all unless they needed something done.

I do think that immediate family should help each other out if they get along and are able to help.

[Chartreuse]

My big question is when does helping out family cross the line of normal expectations?  My father-in-law, husband, and brother-in-law all work in computer fields, and all are exceptionally proficient when it comes to tech issues.  This proficiency does not extend to some of the older members of the family.  Not a month goes by where at least one set of my husband's grandparents end up doing something to destroy their computers.  Now, everyone's fine with helping solve problems, but it seems to be a never-ending (no-win) battle.  It seems like every family get-together ends up with somebody having to fix somebody else's computer instead of spending time with family.  And even if the computer problems are saved for non-get-togethers, it is a massive amount of time that ends up going into fixing a computer that will be broken again in a month or two?  There've been all sorts of attempts to teach them what not to do, taking away the administrative privileges for the computer owners/destroyers, etc.  So far, nothing has worked.  What's normal "help" and going beyond the call of duty on this?

[sparksals]

I am able to fix computer problems and have done so for friends and family at no charge.  It is not my profession, but I have learned over the years how to fix glitches. 

I have this one friend who asked me to come over to fix his computer and install his new printer.  I happily did so.  Boy, what a mistake that was!  After that, he was constantly calling asking questions about the computer or telling me he had another problem.  I went over three or four times before I said ENOUGH!

The last time, his DVD player wasn't working.  I tried everything imaginable, even an online chat with the comp manufacturer to fix the problem.  Still couldn't get it going.  I told him the problem was beyond my scope and he'd either have to take it in or replace that part on the computer.

At that time, my computer just up and died.  I found a great guy to build a new computer and he also had alot more expertise than me in computer problems.  I told friend about this guy and he had the audacity to say he wasn't going to PAY for any computer help!  That right there told me he expected it for free. 

I honestly tried to help the guy, but it became more of an expectation after the first time I went over to help him out.  It drove me crazy that he would sit and watch over my shoulder every single thing I did. 

He was also the type to fool around with the computer which resulted in the problems he called me about.  Then, he would blame me for the problem.  The computer was always in working order when I left.   I finally just ignored his calls to come fix the computer and I haven't gone over since to help him out. 

It's one thing to help someone out, but when they start taking that for granted, I have to put my foot down. 

[AndreaBeth105]

I'm going to agree with Slartibartfast on this one.  Requests for verbal information in your area of expertise (provided that they don't take up too much time) should be acceptable.  However, I'd like to add that the door swings in both directions; if a friend is willing to ask for advice, he should be willing to reciprocate with advice in another area of expertise when needed.

I'm a tax accountant and, while I don't want to do anyone's taxes for them (and I'm not really allowed to!) I don't mind the occasional questions from friends.  Even questions just outside my area of expertise are acceptable.  Ie. A friend recently was starting up her 401K and asked me a few questions about how that sort of thing worked.  I didn't mind at all taking 15 minutes to explain a few things to her when I know that it will help her to be better prepared for her future.  I just don't want to pick a mutual fund for her!

As another example, when my car starts making funny noises, the first thing that I still do is to call my dad.  Normally I'm asking for advice as to what might be the matter, how serious an issue it is, and for a reccomendation of where to get it fixed.  I'm not asking him to spend his Saturday afternoon fixing my car; but I see nothing wrong with taking advantage of his knowledge to find out whether my car needs to see a mechanic ASAP, or whether it will be ok for a couple of more days.