Etiquette School is in session! > "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

Flat-Out "No" Causing Estrangement

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asta:
Am 51 years old and previously never told my parents "no."  Did whatever they wanted until I was about 23.  They disowned me, saying I'd be "crawing back" to them (financially, I guess).  The never gave me a nickel, BTW.

Being independent for several years, married, expecting their first grandchild.  My parents (with whom I tried to mend fences), told me what to name my child, what religion baby should be brought up in, and much more, none of it positive or nice.  I had enough and told my parents, just "no."  They then gave me the "cold shoulder" as they did several times in the past. 

After I told them "no" I felt relieved and happy.  That "no" was one of the hardest words I'd ever uttered.   

rosiecat:

--- Quote from: asta on September 30, 2007, 07:30:32 PM ---Am 51 years old and previously never told my parents "no."  Did whatever they wanted until I was about 23.  They disowned me, saying I'd be "crawing back" to them (financially, I guess).  The never gave me a nickel, BTW.

Being independent for several years, married, expecting their first grandchild.  My parents (with whom I tried to mend fences), told me what to name my child, what religion baby should be brought up in, and much more, none of it positive or nice.  I had enough and told my parents, just "no."  They then gave me the "cold shoulder" as they did several times in the past. 

After I told them "no" I felt relieved and happy.  That "no" was one of the hardest words I'd ever uttered.   

--- End quote ---


I'm 52.  I never told my parents no.  But they never never never asked for anything.  Maybe a few more visits once we moved out of state, but nothing toxic.

Since you feel relieved and happy you said "no", you obviously did the right thing.

Too bad they're not going to get to know their grandchild.

Sorry you're going through this.

Venus193:
It takes a lot of spine to say "no" to control freaks.  You don't need people like this in your life.

Tanya:
My husband's mother is very controlling also.  We finally had to put our foot down and tell her, "No, I don't want to do that"  or "We don't do things that way".  It was really hard.  It made her extremely angry and she bad mouths us to the other members of his family, but I really don't care that much anymore.  It took a loooooong time to figure out that I am not responsible for her actions, only my own and if I keep doing the right thing I have nothing to be ashamed of.  You just have to do what's best for you and recognize that there's no reason to feel guilty.  I am a people pleaser and it just about killed me that no matter what I did, it was never the right thing.  So I just quit trying to make her happy (which is impossible) and did what made ME happy. 

LadyJaneinMD:
On a related note, my mother made my life miserable in many different ways, even after I moved out.  After a breakdown and in therapy, I learned how to stop it.

The next time she started harassing me, I said, 'You know? I don't live here. I don't have to put up with this anymore!' and Just. Left.  Walked out the door and drove home.  She yelled and screamed after me, but I ignored her.
It was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life, but after I did it a second time, she learned to control herself around me, and our visits because a lot more pleasant.  I was very glad about that because she died shortly after, and we had some very pleasant visits before she left.

Of course, it still left me with a very strong need to *never* be caught in a position where I couldn't just walk out of a bad situation.  I got *caught* like that once at my sister's place and it left me with actual scars (self-mutiliation) that remind me that I can't get into those kinds of situations.

Just leave.  It's the hardest thing in the world.

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