Etiquette School is in session! > "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

Flat-Out "No" Causing Estrangement

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asta:
Am 51 years old and previously never told my parents "no."  Did whatever they wanted until I was about 23.  They disowned me, saying I'd be "crawing back" to them (financially, I guess).  The never gave me a nickel, BTW.

Being independent for several years, married, expecting their first grandchild.  My parents (with whom I tried to mend fences), told me what to name my child, what religion baby should be brought up in, and much more, none of it positive or nice.  I had enough and told my parents, just "no."  They then gave me the "cold shoulder" as they did several times in the past. 

After I told them "no" I felt relieved and happy.  That "no" was one of the hardest words I'd ever uttered.   

rosiecat:

--- Quote from: asta on September 30, 2007, 06:30:32 PM ---Am 51 years old and previously never told my parents "no."  Did whatever they wanted until I was about 23.  They disowned me, saying I'd be "crawing back" to them (financially, I guess).  The never gave me a nickel, BTW.

Being independent for several years, married, expecting their first grandchild.  My parents (with whom I tried to mend fences), told me what to name my child, what religion baby should be brought up in, and much more, none of it positive or nice.  I had enough and told my parents, just "no."  They then gave me the "cold shoulder" as they did several times in the past. 

After I told them "no" I felt relieved and happy.  That "no" was one of the hardest words I'd ever uttered.   

--- End quote ---


I'm 52.  I never told my parents no.  But they never never never asked for anything.  Maybe a few more visits once we moved out of state, but nothing toxic.

Since you feel relieved and happy you said "no", you obviously did the right thing.

Too bad they're not going to get to know their grandchild.

Sorry you're going through this.

Venus193:
It takes a lot of spine to say "no" to control freaks.  You don't need people like this in your life.

Tanya:
My husband's mother is very controlling also.  We finally had to put our foot down and tell her, "No, I don't want to do that"  or "We don't do things that way".  It was really hard.  It made her extremely angry and she bad mouths us to the other members of his family, but I really don't care that much anymore.  It took a loooooong time to figure out that I am not responsible for her actions, only my own and if I keep doing the right thing I have nothing to be ashamed of.  You just have to do what's best for you and recognize that there's no reason to feel guilty.  I am a people pleaser and it just about killed me that no matter what I did, it was never the right thing.  So I just quit trying to make her happy (which is impossible) and did what made ME happy. 

Lexophile:

--- Quote from: asta on September 30, 2007, 06:30:32 PM ---Am 51 years old and previously never told my parents "no."  Did whatever they wanted until I was about 23.  They disowned me, saying I'd be "crawing back" to them (financially, I guess).  The never gave me a nickel, BTW.

Being independent for several years, married, expecting their first grandchild.  My parents (with whom I tried to mend fences), told me what to name my child, what religion baby should be brought up in, and much more, none of it positive or nice.  I had enough and told my parents, just "no."  They then gave me the "cold shoulder" as they did several times in the past. 

After I told them "no" I felt relieved and happy.  That "no" was one of the hardest words I'd ever uttered.   

--- End quote ---

You obviously have a much better handle on this than I do.

I was having work done at my house while I was on vacation - extensive, messy work that was MUCH better left to be done while we were not there. Dad called me the NIGHT BEFORE I LEFT FOR VACATION to tell me not to have the work done because I would come home and all my stuff would be gone.

It was 8 p.m. I had just dropped off my dog, hadn't packed, hadn't done any of the furniture moving I had to do, and was stressed beyond belief because my flight left at 6 a.m. the following morning.

Cue Redleo rage. I not only said no to my dad for the first time in my life, I threw in a few other choice words that weren't very nice or polite.

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