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  • May 06, 2015, 10:30:54 AM

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Author Topic: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.  (Read 4794 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #15 on: April 06, 2015, 05:51:34 PM »
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Late in the day I was asked if my child would be available to help with the next event at the extracurricular activity mentioned above. This event takes place three hours from here on a weekend during which all but me and this particular child have prior commitments. My SIL says, "I got roped into serving a dinner for 40 and I could use all the help I can get." (Notice though, she asked to invite my child, not me. Apparently she forgot to add "....except for you, lkb") I said I would have to check our calendar to be sure.

You know what I noticed? She didn't ask if your kid would like to enjoy the activity.
She asked if your kid could work at this activity.

Don't lose sight of that. That's not an invitation. Your child wasn't invited.

Your child was recruited. (Well, OK, not successfully--but that's what that was. A recruitment attempt. Not an invitation.)

Danika

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #16 on: April 06, 2015, 06:56:06 PM »
There are some people who just don't care about others. And if they are around polite, kind people, they just steamroll over them and take advantage of them. Your ILs sound like this.

Good for you for using "I'm afraid that won't be possible." Just keep using it.

In your situation, because I've been practicing having a spine in recent years, I'd probably have said "Thanks for your invitation, but we're actually not interested in participating in YourActivity" and I'd repeat that every time so that they'd stop asking me. That way it'd be clearer that even if I had absolutely nothing going on, I still wouldn't want to participate.

lakey

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2015, 02:40:48 AM »
Even if you were on good terms with your SIL, her expecting your daughter to travel 6 hours in one day to help her put on a dinner is kind of ridiculous. If she needs help she should get it from people in that area.

Twik

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2015, 01:23:52 PM »
What sort of backlash do you fear? That they won't like you? It appears that, whether they do or don't right now, it doesn't benefit you.

If they won't be good to your husband unless they can use his family as indentured servants, that's your husband's problem, and truly, he's better off without them.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

lkb

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2015, 01:52:33 PM »
Good point Twik: I guess I'm just a people pleaser at heart and I hate conflict. Except for my one sibling these are my only family left, so that's part of it. I also hate the thought of things being difficult for my husband, my kids, and his family on my account. Sigh.

LEMon

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2015, 04:23:13 PM »
Good point Twik: I guess I'm just a people pleaser at heart and I hate conflict. Except for my one sibling these are my only family left, so that's part of it. I also hate the thought of things being difficult for my husband, my kids, and his family on my account. Sigh.
But it isn't on your account, it is theirs. Don't own what isn't yours. Don't put the guilt on yourself. They aren't upset about who you are. They are upset they didn't get what they wanted. It's all about them, not you.

My husband is a people pleaser too and we talk regularly about how you can't please some people so he should stop trying. How he should focus on pleasing the people who love him, not the ones who cannot be pleased.

Take the fancy cake for example. You wanted to please them, but gold-leaf diamond encrusted wouldn't have made a difference. Save the effort for those who will be please.

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2015, 04:39:17 PM »
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I also hate the thought of things being difficult for my husband, my kids, and his family on my account.

I get that you love your DH and want to be part of making his life good. And your kids.

But his family? Don't worry about them. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

lkb

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2015, 08:17:01 AM »
I'm finally able to see the hilarity of the whole situation. (First, let me mention that the event in question is to take place on the campus of a state university which was attended by some of my in-laws. For whatever reason, the school does have intense loyalty from its alumni, but as far as I can see, it is no different from the millions of other state-run universities across the U.S. It's not even a particularly "pretty" campus nor is it in a particularly scenic part of state. Also, let me also mention the child in question is 14 and is nowhere near close to thinking about colleges, majors etc. Child has also visited the campus when older sibling was visiting colleges before electing to go elsewhere.)

Taking the kind invitation to the extreme:

"(Child) would have a chance to visit State University! And help cook and serve dinner for 40 people involved in a program in which the child has no interest! All for a six-hour round trip drive! Wow! Where do we sign up?"

Cynical me also says (inside where no one else can hear): "While I realize that State U is the best, indeed only, school in the universe and that YourActivity is a life-changer, we find that we really like our lives just fine the way they are, thanks."

Now I'm just in giggles over the whole thing.

Thanks for the support.

Danika

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #23 on: April 08, 2015, 10:14:17 AM »
And I'm glad your child will have a fun day with you. That is wayyyy more important than spending time with rude, user extended family.

You keep saying you're trying to stay on good terms with your ILs for the sake of your DH and your child. I don't see that your DH is returning the favor of having your back. And it's not good for your child to witness you being ignored and disrespected (ignoring you at functions is disrespectful). It is healthy, however, for your child to see that you didn't offer him up to the users and that you plan to spend time with him instead. You are making healthy changes.

MurPl1

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #24 on: April 16, 2015, 04:28:58 PM »
Good point Twik: I guess I'm just a people pleaser at heart and I hate conflict. Except for my one sibling these are my only family left, so that's part of it. I also hate the thought of things being difficult for my husband, my kids, and his family on my account. Sigh.

Family isn't just blood, it's heart.  Please don't feel like you have to suck things up just because they're related to you.

My mom's family isn't close.  I have uncles I barely know.  But she's got a circle with 4 other ladies that have been friends for 50 years.  I grew up with them and their families.  They are like my aunts, uncles and cousins.  They are the ones who look out for my mom, and who were there to support me when my brother died.  And it just occurred to me that one of my longest IRL friends on FB is one of these "cousins"  Heck one of my IRL friends period.

Firecat

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #25 on: April 17, 2015, 02:03:50 PM »
Quote
Late in the day I was asked if my child would be available to help with the next event at the extracurricular activity mentioned above. This event takes place three hours from here on a weekend during which all but me and this particular child have prior commitments. My SIL says, "I got roped into serving a dinner for 40 and I could use all the help I can get." (Notice though, she asked to invite my child, not me. Apparently she forgot to add "....except for you, lkb") I said I would have to check our calendar to be sure.

You know what I noticed? She didn't ask if your kid would like to enjoy the activity.
She asked if your kid could work at this activity.

Don't lose sight of that. That's not an invitation. Your child wasn't invited.

Your child was recruited. (Well, OK, not successfully--but that's what that was. A recruitment attempt. Not an invitation.)

This. So much this.

This situation reminds me of a memorable telephone conversation in which I was involved when I was about 13 or so, and beginning to go through the confirmation classes and such at the church my family attended. That was also the age at which you were invited to join the youth group at the church.

So, I was at home one day, minding my own business, when the phone rang. Mom answered the phone, and then said it was for me. So I said "hello," only to hear in response (no "hello," no "this is X,") "You have to come and help at the Youth Group soup and sandwich lunch on Sunday."

I reflexively replied "No, I don't." (Seriously, there was almost no conscious thought involved...it was out before I knew I was going to say it.)

"Well, why not?"

"Because I'm not in Youth Group. Bye now." ::click::

They never tried to voluntell me for anything, ever again. I also didn't go to the Youth Group events. Considering that most of those involved in Youth Group had bullied me pretty mercilessly most of the way through elementary school, I didn't consider it much of a loss. Mom was a little upset with me for not being more polite about it, but she did understand.

(Basically, we lived in the country, more or less between two towns. I went to school in one, but we went to church in the other. So most of the kids who went to that church went to school in that town, so I was very much the outsider, and very much treated as such.)

Good for you for not making your child do this for the sake of "family." Much better for him to have a fun, memorable day with you.

Raintree

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #26 on: April 27, 2015, 02:00:40 AM »
Seriously, she ignored you, excluded you from the conversation all night, didn't say a word about the dessert you brought as she ate it (mmm, this is good, thanks for bringing it), didn't help with the cleanup or acknowledge that you were doing it all, and then has the gall to say, "Oh, we need help with this activity"? Yeah, no. Just no. I wouldn't blame you one bit if you said, "I'm afraid we're just not interested."

Roodabega

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #27 on: May 01, 2015, 10:58:51 AM »
Is there any update to this?  Did you experience any backlash?   How have things been going since then?

LadyJaneinMD

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Re: I'm finally using this and waiting for the backlash.
« Reply #28 on: May 01, 2015, 11:32:26 AM »
Seriously, she ignored you, excluded you from the conversation all night, didn't say a word about the dessert you brought as she ate it (mmm, this is good, thanks for bringing it), didn't help with the cleanup or acknowledge that you were doing it all, and then has the gall to say, "Oh, we need help with this activity"? Yeah, no. Just no. I wouldn't blame you one bit if you said, "I'm afraid we're just not interested."

I can't POD this strongly enough.