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Author Topic: Family day trip...to a funeral  (Read 3307 times)

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kareng57

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #30 on: August 31, 2015, 11:40:17 PM »
I've attended funerals for people I've never met.  I went to support their family members (who I did know), so I can understand wanting to attend a funeral with a friend even if one doesn't actually know the deceased.

In my experience, unless there was some bad blood involved, it's extremely hostile to tell someone they cannot attend a funeral.

ETA: I've also never heard of issuing invitations for a funeral.  Funerals are held at church, and church services are open to the public. (Again, speaking only from my own experience).

Well, in this case, the friend wasn't really mourning the deceased either - she barely knew him.  And the invitation wasn't so much for the funeral, but for the hospitality offered by the family afterwards, which sounds fairly substantial (not just cookies and coffee).


I understand that, but my experience has been the same as the PP.  I've never heard of "invitations" to a funeral or any sort of post-service gathering where the numbers are important.  If the obituary is published (in a newspaper or online) then anyone who would like to attend is welcome, whether or not they knew the deceased personally.

I agree. In my community, it's a "come one, come all" sort of thing. Not that it wouldn't be annoying to have to host the "it's all about *me*" sort of person.


Yes, obviously in many situations there are cultural/regional issues.

But IME post-funeral/memorials are pretty short.  Usually there are sandwiches/squares and coffee and tea served for about 45 minutes after the service.  There are no invitations/caterer number involved.  So maybe the potential attendees might have thought that they could just pay their respects and leave a short time later?

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #31 on: September 03, 2015, 03:03:37 PM »
The fact that this is a catered meal makes what Ruby tried to do rude.  This isn't the sandwiches and squares reception in the church hall that are 'come one, come all', from which there are usually lots of leftovers to give to the family to get them through the next couple of days.

I'm used to the church hall reception but would never presume to horn in on a private invite only thing.

But as I say that, my Dad and I did, once, innocently.  One of the sons of the deceased invited us, without his mother's knowledge.  We realized very quickly that we were not intended to be invited - it was all the deceased's work colleagues - and we made our excuses and left.
After cleaning out my Dad's house, I have this advice:  If you haven't used it in a year, throw it out!!!!.
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tabitha

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #32 on: September 03, 2015, 04:12:21 PM »
I am sorry for your loss.

Rude Riled-up Ruby has no place at the invitation only wake.  The mother did a wonderful job making that clear.

I know my next suggestion is just a wild guess but I suspect Rude Ruby brings her side-kicks to every event in the off chance that she will find herself with a few moments when no one is paying attention to her.

As for our cultural wakes, I never know who the heck anyone is. I suspect half the local pub followed my father back to ours after my mother died. But every single woman brings a heavy plate of food or a casserole so even if we have a house full of strangers there is food left for the week.  And there just always seems to be plenty of booze. My sisters and I started calling the wakes "the after party", when we talk about them.  And there are always stories.  In fact, I think wakes get the biggest turn outs in terms of events in my family. I suspect it's the alcoholism, when someone dies the lushy sentimentality causes some of the men to end up inviting pubs, bowling teams and work buddies.  That wouldn't do for weddings or birthdays. Next time I'll be sure to send Ruby a shout out.

Thipu1

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #33 on: Yesterday at 09:56:15 AM »
First of all, sincere condolences to weaslefrance on the loss of Dad. These things are never easy.   

Given the way the obsequies are arranged, I agree that Ruby is very rude to Include Linda and Tony in everything.

It's interesting how different funeral customs are among different groups of people.

My tradition is Catholic, Irish and German in southern NY state.  Here, wakes are what others call visitations and take place before the funeral and burial.  The wake is held at a funeral home and anyone may attend. Because of state laws, food and drink may not be served to people attending the wake. That eliminates a lot of moochers. 

Because Catholic and mainstream Protestant churches are usually open during the day for private prayer, anyone may attend the actual funeral. They just sit in the back of the church.    They may also attend the burial if they so choose. After all, the cemetery is a public space.

The meal after the burial is a very different thing.  It's usually a fairly small gathering of no more than 10 or 15 people.  There are no formal invitations.  It's more a case of, 'Jane and Jim, we'll be going out to Dad's favorite cafe for lunch after the ceremonies.  Would  you like to join us? Everyone will be paying their own way'.   



 

The meal after the burial is something very different.  No formal invitations

Calypso

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #34 on: Yesterday at 11:50:58 AM »
Condolences on your loss, weasalfrance. And hugs and kudos to your awesome Mom.
As for this:

We had a few interesting situations surrounding one of my uncle's funerals. This particular uncle was a local celebrity. My mother and I were trying to find a balance between a private family/close friend affair and allowing his fans their time as well. In the end we had several events. Thursday night there was o parade in his honor where people could cross dress, wear feather boas and tiaras, and be as crazy as they'd like. The city police closed the downtown streets and provided escort.....Sunday there was a public memorial service where once again the cross dressing, thongs, boas and tiaras were not only welcome, but encouraged. We caught a lot of flack, and while my mother was not always ehell approved, she did keep her spine nice and shiny.

One of the things that we caught flack for was the presence of one of my good friends at the private events. My friend lived a couple of hours from my uncle's city and knew of him, but had never met him. She drove down that day to be there for me. Her whole purpose was to support my emotional needs. When word got out that this unknown woman was there, quite a bit of grumbling ensued, but I really didn't care. This was my favorite uncle, and to this day the only family member whose funeral I have attended. I needed her there.

The OP's situation does not sound like it's one of these moments. I think it's perfectly reasonable to exclude the extras from the catered events.

I cannot, cannot get my mind around the concept of people who are free spirited enough to wear thongs and feather boas out in public being mean spirited enough to criticize and grumble about your "unknown" friend attending to offer you comfort!  My mind, it is blown!  :o

PastryGoddess

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #35 on: Yesterday at 12:29:07 PM »
Condolences on your loss, weasalfrance. And hugs and kudos to your awesome Mom.
As for this:

We had a few interesting situations surrounding one of my uncle's funerals. This particular uncle was a local celebrity. My mother and I were trying to find a balance between a private family/close friend affair and allowing his fans their time as well. In the end we had several events. Thursday night there was o parade in his honor where people could cross dress, wear feather boas and tiaras, and be as crazy as they'd like. The city police closed the downtown streets and provided escort.....Sunday there was a public memorial service where once again the cross dressing, thongs, boas and tiaras were not only welcome, but encouraged. We caught a lot of flack, and while my mother was not always ehell approved, she did keep her spine nice and shiny.

One of the things that we caught flack for was the presence of one of my good friends at the private events. My friend lived a couple of hours from my uncle's city and knew of him, but had never met him. She drove down that day to be there for me. Her whole purpose was to support my emotional needs. When word got out that this unknown woman was there, quite a bit of grumbling ensued, but I really didn't care. This was my favorite uncle, and to this day the only family member whose funeral I have attended. I needed her there.

The OP's situation does not sound like it's one of these moments. I think it's perfectly reasonable to exclude the extras from the catered events.

I cannot, cannot get my mind around the concept of people who are free spirited enough to wear thongs and feather boas out in public being mean spirited enough to criticize and grumble about your "unknown" friend attending to offer you comfort!  My mind, it is blown!  :o

I think the flack was from the people who don't approve of wearing feather boas and thongs towards those who were and OP's friend. 
Maryland

mmswm

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #36 on: Yesterday at 06:27:14 PM »
Condolences on your loss, weasalfrance. And hugs and kudos to your awesome Mom.
As for this:

We had a few interesting situations surrounding one of my uncle's funerals. This particular uncle was a local celebrity. My mother and I were trying to find a balance between a private family/close friend affair and allowing his fans their time as well. In the end we had several events. Thursday night there was o parade in his honor where people could cross dress, wear feather boas and tiaras, and be as crazy as they'd like. The city police closed the downtown streets and provided escort.....Sunday there was a public memorial service where once again the cross dressing, thongs, boas and tiaras were not only welcome, but encouraged. We caught a lot of flack, and while my mother was not always ehell approved, she did keep her spine nice and shiny.

One of the things that we caught flack for was the presence of one of my good friends at the private events. My friend lived a couple of hours from my uncle's city and knew of him, but had never met him. She drove down that day to be there for me. Her whole purpose was to support my emotional needs. When word got out that this unknown woman was there, quite a bit of grumbling ensued, but I really didn't care. This was my favorite uncle, and to this day the only family member whose funeral I have attended. I needed her there.

The OP's situation does not sound like it's one of these moments. I think it's perfectly reasonable to exclude the extras from the catered events.

I cannot, cannot get my mind around the concept of people who are free spirited enough to wear thongs and feather boas out in public being mean spirited enough to criticize and grumble about your "unknown" friend attending to offer you comfort!  My mind, it is blown!  :o

I think the flack was from the people who don't approve of wearing feather boas and thongs towards those who were and OP's friend.

No, the flack was because my uncle's fans were upset that part of the services were kept private and this unknown person was allowed to be there when the general public was not.  There was a lot of drama surrounding who was really close to my uncle and who was not, and we had to trust a small inner circle to know who among the non-relatives were really close, so there were people excluded that decided to stir up drama. So here was this person who wasn't family, but also wasn't a close friend of my uncle's who was allowed to be at the private events, and that upset some of the people who thought that they should have been invited to the private events but were not. I honestly didn't care.  She was one of my closest friends and I needed her there, so they could all go jump in a lake.

And, for the record, the thongs and feather boas were because that's what my uncle frequently wore out in public.  He was a strange man, but well loved in his city (and by me). 
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

PastryGoddess

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Re: Family day trip...to a funeral
« Reply #37 on: Yesterday at 06:34:05 PM »
Condolences on your loss, weasalfrance. And hugs and kudos to your awesome Mom.
As for this:

We had a few interesting situations surrounding one of my uncle's funerals. This particular uncle was a local celebrity. My mother and I were trying to find a balance between a private family/close friend affair and allowing his fans their time as well. In the end we had several events. Thursday night there was o parade in his honor where people could cross dress, wear feather boas and tiaras, and be as crazy as they'd like. The city police closed the downtown streets and provided escort.....Sunday there was a public memorial service where once again the cross dressing, thongs, boas and tiaras were not only welcome, but encouraged. We caught a lot of flack, and while my mother was not always ehell approved, she did keep her spine nice and shiny.

One of the things that we caught flack for was the presence of one of my good friends at the private events. My friend lived a couple of hours from my uncle's city and knew of him, but had never met him. She drove down that day to be there for me. Her whole purpose was to support my emotional needs. When word got out that this unknown woman was there, quite a bit of grumbling ensued, but I really didn't care. This was my favorite uncle, and to this day the only family member whose funeral I have attended. I needed her there.

The OP's situation does not sound like it's one of these moments. I think it's perfectly reasonable to exclude the extras from the catered events.

I cannot, cannot get my mind around the concept of people who are free spirited enough to wear thongs and feather boas out in public being mean spirited enough to criticize and grumble about your "unknown" friend attending to offer you comfort!  My mind, it is blown!  :o

I think the flack was from the people who don't approve of wearing feather boas and thongs towards those who were and OP's friend.

No, the flack was because my uncle's fans were upset that part of the services were kept private and this unknown person was allowed to be there when the general public was not.  There was a lot of drama surrounding who was really close to my uncle and who was not, and we had to trust a small inner circle to know who among the non-relatives were really close, so there were people excluded that decided to stir up drama. So here was this person who wasn't family, but also wasn't a close friend of my uncle's who was allowed to be at the private events, and that upset some of the people who thought that they should have been invited to the private events but were not. I honestly didn't care.  She was one of my closest friends and I needed her there, so they could all go jump in a lake.

And, for the record, the thongs and feather boas were because that's what my uncle frequently wore out in public.  He was a strange man, but well loved in his city (and by me). 

OOHHHH I see.  Then yes, I agree those people were out of line. 
Maryland