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  • March 26, 2015, 08:03:59 PM

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Author Topic: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.  (Read 3363 times)

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EllenS

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2015, 10:40:36 AM »
- I'm sorry, but I've talked it over with DH and this is not going to work.

Your wording worked, I thought, but I'd avoid this one about your DH. I know that when people are in that kind of headspace, they can latch on to one piece. This one might be misinterpreted as "I would, but DH won't let me." I'm sure that's not the message you want to send.

Lots of good suggestions. I especially like being the emergency contact - that could give her peace of mind.

Good luck!

Thanks, that's a good point, I'll leave that off.

And thanks everyone for the insight. I will certainly offer to be the emergency contact and feel better about not accidentally feeding her internal troll.

JeanFromBNA

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2015, 04:23:28 PM »
Is she re-directable?  What about:

"I'm sorry; that wouldn't work for us. You know what would be a great idea?  That program that we used to have DD in.  Why don't we make an appointment to go there . . . (extol virtues of program).  We can be an emergency backup for DGD; they know us there . . ."


TabathasGran

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #17 on: March 01, 2015, 04:04:30 PM »
Because it's how I speak I would say "oh sweetie I just cant. It won't work for my schedule but let's brainstorm and come up with some ideas."

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it by trying to cushion my words any more than than.

EllenS

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Good UPDATE p18
« Reply #18 on: March 01, 2015, 04:51:33 PM »
Thanks everybody, I spoke to Friend today and it went fine. I appreciate the input!

ETA: modify post title

Elfmama

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #19 on: March 01, 2015, 05:29:40 PM »
In my state, providing daycare for a non-family child requires one to have specific training and be licensed.   Does yours?  Make the State be the bad guy.  'I'm sorry, Sally, but I've looked into licensing as a daycare and it just doesn't work."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's true. Money can't buy happiness.  You have to turn it
into books first.
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EllenS

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #20 on: March 01, 2015, 09:28:15 PM »
Actually, Elfmama, as long as it is less than a certain # of hours per day, home babysitting does not qualify as "daycare" with attendant regulations in our state. But its' OK, the convo went just fine.
Thanks!

LadyBatman

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #21 on: March 16, 2015, 02:37:16 PM »
Don't forget not to jade. When you offer someone a list of excuses or reasons why the answer is no, people often see that as a challenge to list all the reasons that it *would* work, and how it's possible. I know that since she's a close friend, you want to offer more than "I'm afraid that won't be possible". You don't however, want her to counter your decline with promises that she can't keep (ie I can be home by 430 so it's only an hour or dd won't be much trouble and I'll pack snacks for her!)

TootsNYC

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #22 on: March 16, 2015, 02:42:59 PM »
When I read this:
Quote
One of the things that happens when she is entering a fragile period is that she becomes very worried about their finances and starts talking about going back to work.

I thought you were going to ask for help saying something like, "Dear friend, I'm worried that you're entering a fragile period, because I've noticed that when you start obsessing about getting a job, it's very quickly followed by a mental health crisis.  So I am concerned about you--are you taking care of yourself? Do you notice your anxiety rising? Can you discuss this with someone?"


EllenS

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2015, 06:47:29 PM »
When I read this:
Quote
One of the things that happens when she is entering a fragile period is that she becomes very worried about their finances and starts talking about going back to work.

I thought you were going to ask for help saying something like, "Dear friend, I'm worried that you're entering a fragile period, because I've noticed that when you start obsessing about getting a job, it's very quickly followed by a mental health crisis.  So I am concerned about you--are you taking care of yourself? Do you notice your anxiety rising? Can you discuss this with someone?"

You know, that's a good point, and I might bring that up if her worries seem to be mounting.
However, when I had the actual conversation she was talking more about being bored at home than about money, so I may have misread the situation in the first place. She hasn't really brought it up since. I do/will keep an eye out, but she seems to be doing OK lately.

bopper

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2015, 02:05:31 PM »
I have a friend like that....right now she is planning to back to school to get a particular certificate.  She will talk and plan and talk and plan.  Sometimes she is able to do her plan,sometimes not.  I will talk about it with her, give her ideas and such...if something seems like a really bad idea I will let her know but generally, theoretically, they are ok ideas.  She is self-aware about her issues so we can talk about how those will impact.  Also you can say what you CAN do which is what you already are doing...having play dates and provide emergency care.

LEMon

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Re: The Gentlest Possible Way to do this? Wording help.
« Reply #25 on: Yesterday at 12:12:53 AM »
I think it is wonderful that you think of her so deeply.

I had a slightly different thought: I have a health challenge and sometimes when it gets bad for a bit, I find myself talking about things I would like to do as if I will do them. It is part of my cooping with the 'not what I want' in my life. I suspect friends may know I will never do these things, but I have really appreciated those who let me talk and don't burst my hopes and dreams.