Married couples: How do you LIKE to be addressed?

[Gigi]

I like getting mail.  I don't care how it's addressed, unless, of course, it's obscene. 

[Brentwood]

Whilst many years ago Mr & Mrs Hisfirst HisLast may have been the correct way, I understand that one of the underlying principles of etiquette is about making someone else comfortable so surely it is acceptable to address someone in they way they wish to be addressed.

I believe people's preferences and comfort levels should be respected.

However, traditional etiquette also held that Mrs. Herfirst name Marriedlastname indicated a divorcee. While married, she was Mrs. John Brown, and when she got divorced she was Mrs. Helen Brown. If she had been widowed, she'd have remained Mrs. John Brown.

I don't know how many people know/think about that in this day and age, so it might not occur to people of younger generations that "Mrs. Helen Brown" would indicate that the woman is divorced.

It is definitely sexist in the sense that the woman becomes absorbed into her husband as part of him; I am Mrs. David Flutterby, but no one ever refers to him as Mr. Cathy Flutterby. (If any of you have a copy of the 1950 Betty Crocker Picture Cookbook, you will often see recipes attributed thusly: "Created by Mrs. David Flutterby of Minneapolis, formerly Cathy Glockenspiel of our staff." I can understand why some women now feel as if they lose an essential part of themselves by being referred to as Mrs. Husband's Name. I didn't stop being Cathy Glockenspiel when I married David Flutterby. I accepted his last name, but I never stopped being me. A part of me wishes that I'd kept my birth name along with taking my married name, but I didn't want to drop my beloved middle name, and having all four names would have been a bit unwieldy.

I don't mind being addressed as Mr. and Mrs. David Flutterby on formal correspondence addressed to us both, but I admit it would annoy me to receive mail intended only for me addressed as Mrs. David Flutterby. In most cases, David and Cathy Flutterby, Cathy and David Flutterby or just Cathy Flutterby will do.

Being addressed in person, I do in some situations prefer Mrs. Flutterby. Most of the time, Cathy will do nicely.

[Bijou]

The best way to address things is one of the most frequent questions on here. Although the traditional form is "Mr and Mrs Hisname Lastname", a lot of people find this uncomfortable. I thought it would be interesting to find how how, regardless of what is traditional or technically correct, people would prefer that they were addressed.

It doesn't matter to me.  I prefer to be called by my first name.  Even by doctors who don't ask my permission to do so, and who would be insulted if I called them by their first names.

[MerryRaven]

We are John and Merry or Merry and John Raven. 

No Mr. and no Mrs. though I don't mind being Mrs. Raven in more formal situations. 

[hollasa]

My MIL sends things to Mr. and Mrs. A.B. Charles MILlastname DHlastname.

I have kept my last name, and it turns out that DH never was named MILlastname at all (according to his birth certificate).

Ah well, she also intermittently misspells our daughter's name, too.

[Rei-chan]

I am an only child, and their are no boys in the family that have my maiden name by my uncle, so I chose to hyphenate my last name when I married DH.  To this day I get phone calls, mail, etc to Mrs. Willow Middlename Hislastname instead of Mrs. Willow Middlename Maidenname-Hislastname.  This happens even when the call/mail I recieve are from businesses where I have specified my last name on paperwork.  Some of my friends even do it!

I admit it drives me up the wall. 

My Dad told me once, as a rather tasteless joke, that a hyphenated name was just another way of showing how "b****y" someone is.  After about a year of marriage, I reminded him of this and told him he was right......We are like that because no one ever gets our darn names right!!!!   

[audrey1962]

I chose not to change my name when I got married. My maiden name is consonant-heavy of Eastern Eurpoean origin and I married a man who's name is almost as simple as "Smith." When I am at work I am addressed as Ms. Audrey HardToPronounceLastName. Socially, I don't mind being addressed as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. I don't know why, it's just my preference.

When it comes to others, I will address them according to their preference.

[Virg]

Gigi wrote:

"I like getting mail.  I don't care how it's addressed, unless, of course, it's obscene."

Then I guess you want it addressed correctly?  Sorry, I had to.  Anyway, my preference has always been Me and wife lastname, or Mr. Me and Ms. Wife Lastname (she took my name when we married).  The thought of calling her Mrs. Me Lastname has always been quite alien to me, because she's not Me, I am.  Also, it seems mighty demeaning these days.

Virg

[Brentwood]

 Mr. John Brown and Ms. Helen Jones = couple in relationship other than married

But my sister and her husband are Mr. John Brown and Ms. Helen Jones - and they are definitely married.

"Ms." does not have to indicate a single or divorced woman. Many married women use Ms.

[kkl123]

If you want to drag titles into it, we could be Mr. Hisname and Dr. Hername HisLastName, which smacks of a whole lot less equality in the relationship than there is. And would probably make me retch, as the only time I use the Dr. is getting past officious functionaries.

I rather like the package my MIL addressed and mailed, after getting interrupted somehow and then finishing the address without looking at the first line...
HerFirstInitial & HisFirstInitial
street address
city, state, zip.

(she usually sends packages to HerFirstInitial & HisFirstInitial LastName) -- suits us fine.

[JoyinVirginia]

My preference is Joy and DH HisLastName. I am happy if LastName gets spelled correctly, since HisLastName is short but easily misspelled. Mr.and Mrs. DH HisLastName is also ok with me.
Joy in Virginia

[lolane]

I voted "other" even though technically I am not married yet (ony 35 days left.) After sending out wedding invites and trying my darndest to follow etiquette except in cases where I knew the wife would be offended (or of  course she didn't take his last name) I have decided that I really don't care. It's something that I am going to choose to not get offended about because I know most people(toxic mother-in-laws excluded  ) really try to do the right thing when addressing an invitation (or mailing) and I am not going to fault them for trying to do the right thing.

Sort of OT but not really. On my wedding invites I accidentally addressed an invite to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, it was my Dad's friend and he ok'd the list so I thought I was right, well, on the reply card where it says M____ they wrote "Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Smith." I thought it was a very tactful and nice way to correct me and I so appreciated the fact that she did not call and get upset about it even though it was the second time I'd addressed it wrong (the engagement party invite was the same way and I saw her in between the two invites and she never said anything about it nor did she act offended.) Anyway, my point is that I think she knew I wasn't trying to be offensive, and she chose to not be offended and it was a relief to me and made me think... I'm going to go that route when I'm married... choosing to not be offended.

[veryfluffy]

For those who prefer Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Lastname, do you also refer to yourself as Mrs. Hisfirstname Lastname? Technically, if you want to be "correct" that's what is should say on your cheque-books, correspondence, etc.

[Brentwood]

My preference is Joy and DH HisLastName. I am happy if LastName gets spelled correctly, since HisLastName is short but easily misspelled. Mr.and Mrs. DH HisLastName is also ok with me.
Joy in Virginia

Our last name is VERY short and very often misspelled (I, of course, use pseudonyms in all of my name examples. )

[Brentwood]

For those who prefer Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname Lastname, do you also refer to yourself as Mrs. Hisfirstname Lastname? Technically, if you want to be "correct" that's what is should say on your cheque-books, correspondence, etc.

If I wanted to be Mrs. David Flutterby on my checks, legally I could do so, but it's not a "formal" situation as would be, say, a wedding invitation. Casual correspondence and things like checking accounts and drivers' licenses do not generally include titles at all. For example, signing my posts here as Mrs. David Flutterby would be awfully silly, when there's nothing wrong in etiquette-speak with signing just my first name, Cathy.